Gossiping friend..

[gracifer]

Ok. So call me hypocritical or whatever but I do tell my friends about my bag/Crohn's whatever. I fully expect them to tell bf's/gf's/occasionally other friends. What I don't expect them to do is use it as gossip. I should have figured this girl - she lives in the same village as me in the middle of nowhere, and is 19 (I'm 23) so since being stuck at home I thought 'aha an ally!' PLUS she has her own chronic disease to worry about. My mother warned me about her that she was a gossip because they used to go riding together until this girl found other people her own age to ride with. So I should have known!

I have always found it a bit weird that she would contact me and say things like; 'Oh I just found out my friend's friend has Crohn's Disease and has a bag' Ok. Coincidence, surely right? I mean it might be her friend talking about it. However, today, and this is what angers me the most, she texted me saying; 'So I'm at a party - there's a woman here with a bag!' Well that's nice. Why would I care firstly? Secondly, I mean come on! How the hell would that come up in conversation?! I know for sure, if I was that lady with a bag it's not something you really talk about - least not at a party with strangers! Sadly it's not the first time; apprently she had a discussion with a man who told her about how the illeostomy helped solve his crohn's - she works in a shop - whilst he was in her shop. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN COME UP IN A CONVERSATION? I wouldn't walk into a shop and tell a shop girl about all my problems.
It just makes me so angry!!! How dare she?! I don't go round telling all and sundry about what she has!!

 

[Jennifer]

I'm sorry gracifer. There are a lot of immature people out there unfortunately. That's one of the reasons why I didn't tell my friends much when I was younger because I knew one of them would tell everyone at school (my supposed best friend at the time back in 5th and 6th grade).

Is there anyway you can talk to her in private and ask her to please not talk about it as you meant to only tell her but not so she could use it as a conversation piece? Let her know that you would never tell everyone what she has. If she tried to say that she only says, "a friend of mine" rather than giving your name you can still tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and that you don't appreciate it.

 

[nogutsnoglory]

People really need to get a life. Obviously this has nothing to do with you or your bag and more to do with her own insecurities. She is just using you as a pawn to gossip and temporarily somehow feel better about herself.

I agree with Jennifer if you can pull her aside and explain that it's not fair and wildly inappropriate and that you really want her to stop it. She might not and unfortunately there is no way to stop her but its good that you are open about the bag and that way it won't be able to hurt you as much since it wasn't a secret to begin with.

 

[gracifer]

Hey.. I'm meant to be going shopping with her tomorrow so I'll ask her then. It just makes my blood boil. nogutsnoglory I get what you're saying and I think that sadly you're right.
I know it may be hypocritical of me for getting so wound up about it because I tell friends etc about it, but surely it's my own business who knows, and who I want knowing. Like I said, I fully realise that friends will tell their partners or their families, but random strangers.. just no.
Thanks for the support guys. My parents just kept saying; 'but we told you so..' which is really unhelpful..

 

[Kev]

I wish I could offer some advice, suggestions, in dealing with this situation. But, I can't.

The only thing I can do... When I first got ill... I was so embarrassed, even ashamed of having this disease, like it was my fault.. my failing.. Took some time to get my head on straight. I'm no longer... 'reclusive'.. Hmmm, hard to put this into words. I don't climb to the rooftops and shout my condition to the world, but if it comes up, I freely will tell anyone.. stranger or friend.. about it, in brief. (and being brief for me is extremely hard).
I no longer feel ashamed, embarrassed.. mortified. How? Why? Well, first, realization I didn't do something wrong... I merely got ill. Second, in writing about it on the Forum, I realized I was not alone, the world is full of us Crohnies, or people with various/sundry ailments... some not so bad, others worse.. AND that eventually got me to realize that I wasn't a 'victim'... I was a 'survivor'. That change in attitude, approach, self image, has made a world of difference in my life. You see, I ... despite my advanced years, and vast experiences.. still have this.. inate.. inability.. to distinguish between those I can trust, and those I shouldn't. Still a complete babe in the woods in that respect. It's part of my nature... and I DO have a choice, I guess. I could adapt, and distrust every living soul I run into UNTIL proven otherwise... but I don't like the idea of becoming that person. I prefer to remain me, and pay the occasional price for trusting the wrong sort.
Thing is.. having 'ownership' of my disease, has freed me of worrying, caring, about what others might think of me, my disease, my scars, my bathroom issues, EVERYTHING.

Best thing that has happened to me ever. And, now my blindspot about what makes some people tick really isn't a problem for me anymore. Those who like me for who I am, regardless of everything else... hey, that's great. And those who don't.. well, they can kiss me where the sun don't shine.. and considering the Crohns, that tickles my sick sense of humour. But it does give me a healthy perspective on how to live my life. I don't know if others agree with my approach, but the beauty is.. I don't care. It works for me. And finding a way through life, the ups and downs, that works for you, that's all anyone can ask for... and no one has to justify to the world how they manage to do it.

So, your gossiping acquaintence, talking to her may work, may not. What she does is out of your control. How it affects you, how you react to it.. that is yours to control.

 

[UnXmas]

Are you sure this girl doesn't have some good intentions? Maybe I misinterpreted your post, but if she's letting you know she's met other people with an ostomy, could it be that she thinks you'd like to know you're not the only one?

You might be surprised how often something like this does come up in a conversation. I had major surgery during the summer holiday from university one year, and spent the entire holiday recovering. When I came back to the new term at uni, of course the first thing everyone (friends, coursemates, professors) asked was, "did you have a good summer?" I'd made the decision that I didn't need to keep my illness secret anymore, so I always answered by saying, actually I had surgery, which prompted more questions about my illness. So, that's just one example, but I think there are a lot of ways it could have come up in conversations your friend was having, even her conversations with strangers. Especially since she has her own illness, perhaps she often brings up illness as a topic?

But if you don't like her talking about it, then perhaps you need to tell her more clearly that you don't want her telling people. It is a sensitive issue and it's understandable you don't want too many people knowing. But since she's letting you know about the people she's told, it doesn't sound like she's gossiping behind your back, perhaps she just didn't think you'd care about her talking?

 

[gracifer]

Haha thanks noguts! That made me giggle - but you are totally right! You're also right in that she does have something that she wouldn't want to be discussed about and she doesn't like discussing her illness to other 'normal people' and say's I'm the only one she really discuses it with because I'm the only other person she knows with a chronic disease, and 'get's it.' So I do spend quite a fair amount of time supporting her when she's feeling low - though I've found when in the past I've tried and turned to her for support she doesn't really want to know - though that doesn't really bother me. However what I do know she is still quite immature..
I casually brought it up, and all she said was that she was 'very drunk' and then told me that one of the regular's of the shop she works in, told her that she too has one. So I just casually asked whether these conversations just popped up - and she hastily just said yes and then completely changed the subject. But what I will say, is that when I did get the bag done she told me she didn't know anyone else who had one... so maybe UnXmas you're right.
However, I did bring up another situation from ages ago about another friend, and told her how much I had hated it. Perhaps she'll have got the point, but I doubt it as she then went on to tell me about a friend of her's who knew everything about everyone.

 

[nogutsnoglory]

She sounds very immature but hopefully she got the point and just didn't want to dwell on it and feel guilty. If she continues doing it is question how much of a friend she is and whether you should support her with her condition when she can't reciprocate.