Help needed with overcoming embaressing

[merrywidow]

help needed with overcoming embaressing

hi, can anyone help me? i am a widow and am looking to get back into the love scene again, but when i have tried i find that men just dont take kindly to my ileostomy pouch, i have pre-warned them about it. it kinda stops the lovemaking in its track, any suggestions? i am only 38 and still have many years left in me. kind regards sharon x

 

[Kev]

Despite a lot of anecdotal evidence to the contrary, I can't believe all my fellow males are sooo shallow. Only advice I can offer is to keep looking... and to take more time.
One of the negative aspects of a positive male trait... those of us who are nurturing by nature... is that it may not be the pouch itself that is ending relationships, it may be the inner feeling within the male that this is something he couldn't protect you from... a failing that men have a hard time coping with, and the pouch is a constant reminder. I know that to a rationale person, this might not make any sense at all. But believe me, us men can be funny that way. Anyway it's just a thought. Don't give up hope.. dating is a nitemare whether you're ill or not. Eventually the right person comes along, the nitemare ends, dreams begin..

 

[Sojourn]

I don't know what to say except that I've experienced the same thing, with women, with the patch I currently have on my stomach covering my fistula. It's proved to be a real a turn off.

 

[Guest]

hi merrywidow

my advice would be to take more time with a new partner before heading into the "i've got something to tell you" conversation. i think if someone really values you for you, and wants a real relationship with you, the fact you have an ileostomy shouldnt make them run screaming for the hills.

people accept all kinds of differences in their partners, but dont mind them because the right feelings about that person are there. it always takes time with a new partner for you to suss them out properly, & decide whether they are worth confiding this to.

 

[spipe]

it isnt easy

Well i do not have a pouch yet and I hope it doesn't come to that. I do have a huge scar down my stomach and it is not a very nice site to the one you are with. I think the best advice is if they aren't accepting then they aren't the one. I feel true people accept a person for who they are and not what they want them to be.

My suggestion is some nice nighty to cover up the pouch. I cover my scar alot when I go swimming and stuff give it a try.

 

[mikeyarmo]

Welcome to the community!

I can not speak from first-hand experience, but I know that many people on this forum with a pouch have been able to find partners who were not bothered by this trait. Some people said that they always covered the bag up with a towel or something else, even if the partner was not concerned about it. Just do what makes you feel comfortable and do not feel you need to let someone know about this issue right away. You can wait until you get to know someone a bit better and establish some trust in the relationship before letting them know.

Good luck and let us know how things work out.

 

[hanaa al baydany]

hi, I think the problem isn't the chrons but it is whether is true love on earth or not.love with its value isn't existe. but never give up.one day u will find it. but dont feel frusrated and take ur time. u still have a whole life.

 

[soupdragon69]

Hi Merrywidow,

Have been thinking about your concerns and thought I would add my tuppence for what its worth..

I have recently found myself a partner and am very happy that things are going so well. I dont have any form of scars or stoma as havent had abdominal surgery. But I do suffer with multiple health probs including brittle asthma, crohn's and 5 different diagnosed skin conditions one of which results in multiple boils and abcesses that have meant surgical intervention. This meant I had real difficulty body image wise so understand why you feel as you do.

I agree with everyone here that if the man is genuine they honestly wont have a problem with your stoma. Perhaps even though you are ready to move on with your life you also are "nervous" from a body image perspective still and that projects, be it consciously or not? Am not saying you ARE but it may mean that undercurrent is still there for you - going by how I have felt recently.. and purely because you want things to go well but are worried about their reaction. Does that make sense? Sometimes I am not very good at putting into words what I mean..

Work on other aspects that make YOU feel good about YOU so your confidence is boosted, buy yourself some nice underwear and pamper yourself more - trust me it works! But do it over a period of time so you are more comfortable within yourself. Wait until you feel it is time to talk to this man and do it in stages. A little info at a time to allow them time to absorb things - remember back to when you had to learn about your Crohns and needed to clarify things perhaps. Let him see that your stoma is part of you BUT it is NOT you, just as the same applies to your Crohns etc.

I think what I am trying to say at the end of all the waffle is if you focus on putting it into perspective then the man concerned will accept it. As the others have said you can cover it up with different things but you at the end of the day have to feel it isnt a major thing before they will!

I hope you dont think my thoughts have been patronising they are well meant and as I said I do find it hard to put down in print what I mean.

Feel free to PM me any time if you want to chat more..

Thinking of you and really hope you find someone to cherish soon.

 

[merrywidow]

i am not nervous and have accepted my pouch, but the thing that is very off putting is the pouch crinkles at the wrong time, or the tail of the pouch falls down, i do tuck this up so it dont get in the way. any more suggestions? please help or i will turn into a nun.

 

[soupdragon69]

Unfortunately there are some things you cannot prevent happening like the pouch crinkling. Your idea of tucking the tail underneath is a good one too.

You will get there...

Sorry if I upset you or you were unhappy with my comments.

 

[merrywidow]

you havent upset me, i am just a normal lady wanting a normal relationship, but i am hoping someone can come up with some new ideas or suggestions, sharon x

 

[soupdragon69]

Glad you are looking at things so positively and are sure of your issues. Have you tried looking at a colostomy site for info Sharon? Some of the folks on here that do have stomas havent been around of late and am just trying to think of other options for you!

Jan

 

[Kev]

Thought that occurs to me is that there may be folks who are reluctant to discuss this in an open forum. Perhaps if it was posted in the Lounge, you might get more replies. Least there folks could discuss it more openly without fear that minors might see it. After all, since IBD hits folks of all ages, there are plenty here who are young.

 

[soupdragon69]

Fair comment Kev, apologies if my comments offended anyone...

 

[Kev]

Hey Soup.. no, I can't picture anyone taking offense. This is a genuine post, and all of the responses it garnered were genuine and legitimate. The forum is a place for sharing. I'm just going out on a limb and postulating that some might find talking on the topic something they'd feel more comfortable with in an area like the lounge. OK?

 

[merrywidow]

maybe chatting in the "lounge" is a good idea, but i am new and i dont know how to get to "the lounge". i did try going from the home page but it wouldnt allow me to, also what is pm? many thanks sharon x

 

[Kev]

Sharon... The Lounge area is off limits to the children who visit and use this site. For those of us who passed that stage, you can get the password required from either Mikeyarmo, the administrator here, or from one of the forum moderators via private message. That's what the PM abbreviation stands for. To private message someone, simply click on their name in one of the posts. It will be the middle option in the drop down list that appears.

 

[merrywidow]

i think i may have found some underwear just for my problem, its on a website called white rose collection. they keep the pouch tucked away but dont get in the way of other things many thanks for all your idaes though, well appricated.