Hey Laura... Boy, do I know what you mean. Its' fairly common to feel like others are judging you... friends, family, those closest to you. Think we all share feelings of guilt... like we did something to deserve this, or we should be able to just feel like our old selves whenever we want, or whenever our friends/family want us to.
Problem is, it just doesn't work that way. It's sooooo easy to just say that we shouldn't let these feelings take over. That we shouldn't let others judge us, or feel we are being judged. No one who doesn't have this disease can know what we are going thru. Friends and family who want some idea of what it is like should pop in here and read the posts of other members. Maybe then they will get some vague idea of what our life has become, thru no fault of our own.
I'm a stubborn old fellow, and that's mostly been a failing. however, since i've become ill, that negative trait has actually helped me some. There are times I have been sooo ill, I really didn't feel like doing anything, with anyone.. Didn't make a difference how much they meant to me, or whether I actually wanted to go out, do things.. Then I got mad at this disease, and I got mad at myself. I'd force myself out, even when I wasn't feeling the best... and I forced myself to have as good a time as possible. sometimes I'd only enjoy myself for 20 or 30 minutes... other times i'd end up having a couple of hours of fun, a really great reprieve from the otherwise horrible time i'd have, sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself, or trapped by my disease. Getting out allowed me to thumb my nose at it.. to show it that I might have IBD, (but as another member put it so well) IBD didn't have me. True, there were times I had to cut it short, make excuses to take an early departure... or to pop into the bathroom on the sly, so that no one knew why... or to slip outside for 'fresh air', when in reality it was because I knew I had gas (sorry for the gross ness of that - but it's a reality). I also had the habit of not letting my health become a fixed topic of conversation. even if my friends or family were concerned, I'd brush it off in short order. I would talk about it in private, but not in public to any lenght. The result? I learned to have fun again.. despite my disease. That fun is soooo necessary, so fundamental to fighting off this illness, something bankable to bring out on the really bad days.
This is so hard to implement at first (which is why my stubborness helped me), but if you get into the habit, force yourself to make as much of the good times as you can, it lessens the impact this disease can have on you, and breaks the habits of just curling up with this illness, trapped in the house, a prisoner that overlooks the possiblity of escape, even if those escapes aren't permanent.
OK, that's the end of my long winded harangue. you didn't ask my advice, but that never stopped me. Just wanted to throw out this lifeline in hopes that its of help. Listen to an old man who recognized the truth that all kids know... the true value of having fun, and of taking the opportunity to have it whenever, OK
