House chores

[Holly95]

How do you all go about doing chores around the house without having to stop and have a sleep in between, or having your parents get mad because you haven't finished everything you were meant to do?

I got diagnosed 5 weeks ago, and have been on a prednisone taper since then, today was my very last dose at 5mg, and for the past 2 weeks I have been utterly knackered, and back in my old state of cramps/nausea/bloating/fatigue etc.

At 18, I still live under my parents roof, and while I'm extremely grateful for what I do have, I just wish sometimes my mum would understand that I hardly have the energy to drag myself 5 meters from the couch to the bathroom, let alone clean the kitchen, and do dishes that aren't mine along with other chores (since I can't eat anything). Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about having to do the chores, because really they aren't that hard and I don't mind cleaning the bench or whatever when I'm asked to, but I've just finished cleaning the bench and doing the majority of the dishes as well as a few other things, but yet I'm getting in trouble for everything that I haven't done yet, because I'm knackered. I had to sit down for a minute, otherwise I was going to end up having an unplanned sleep on the kitchen floor, but mum just doesn't understand that. It's always, you haven't done this, you haven't done that, you should be doing this, you should be doing that. Yes I know, but right now I don't give a flying woop. I'm knackered, I want to vomit, I'm in the bathroom every 10 minutes, and I just want to sleep, but yet she wants me to do all these chores. There are two other very capable children (9 and 15) that can clean up their own messes in the kitchen at this moment, but I'm the one that gets the flack for it.

How do you all cope when you just don't have the energy or strength to do something that your expected to do, do your parents get angry at you for not finishing every single chore in one go? My dad is good, he understands and he knows I will finish the chores but I need rest breaks especially at the moment. Mum on the other hand, not so much and it's starting to really get on my nerves. I have a very quick mouth on me, and I'm doing my best to not say anything to her because I know right now if I say something it will be rude and disrespectful and it will just make the situation worse. I just feel like she doesn't give a damn, and doesn't want to make an effort to understand how crappy I feel right now, even though she herself should at least understand the tiredness part since she has chronic fatigue syndrome.
I'm struggling to stay awake and it's only 5pm.

 

[valleysangel92]

Hello holly.. Sorry I've missed this

Im sorry to hear of the problems you've been facing, does your mum realise the full extent of crohns and that most patients with crohns have very little energy during flares as all the energy they have is taken up by the body trying to repair itself? You could maybe try showing her this forum, or even maybe getting her to join herself so that she can see what you're dealing with on a day to day basis.

It may be that in her own way, she's trying not to treat you differently because of your illness and is trying to keep things 'normal' . Maybe when she was growing up her mum/Dad expected her to help with a lot of the chores and had the attitude that it all needed to be done in one go (a lot of people use the phrase 'the sooner you get doing it the sooner you won't have to do it anymore) . Sometimes it's hard to break out of the habit of a lifetime .

Does your mum ever go in to see your doctors with you? It may be helpful to have them explain to her what having crohns does to your energy levels so that she understands that you do really need a rest.

 

[Holly95]

My mum has been to every doctors and surgeon appointment I've had to date, she was there when I was admitted to hospital, she was there for my colonoscopy and everything. She was there when the surgeon gave us a book on Crohns and showed us a model of a healthy bowel compared to a crohns bowel etc. When others are around she acts all supportive and whatnot but as soon as there's nobody within earshot she turns.

She does the same to my brother, who has severe scoliosis and needs surgery to fix it. She plays the victim, all woe is me and whatnot. I just want to turn around and tell her she doesn't have anything to physically complain about the way she does, yes its stressful as a mother to have a sick child and a child that is needing major surgery, but both my brother and I are handling our issues just fine until mum comes along.
Even dad is sick of her doing her act, he's walked in at just the right time a couple times now when she hasn't heard him coming.
The house chores are just a small part of it,and I would have thought that after 18 years of doing house chores she would realise that yes I will finish the chores, and often do ones I'm not asked to do, but right now I'm just too physically drained to finish it all in one go.

 

[valleysangel92]

Oh holly I'm sorry im not making excuses for her but maybe it has something to do with her up bringing. I know that's not much help to you though.

I hate to say it but maybe having a frank discussion with your mum about the way you feel and how she hurts your feelings is actually what's needed, it may not make things any better, or it may make her think about the way she is behaving, but I know that wouldnt be easy as you would have to still see her all the time if she turned it against you.
The only other thing I can think of at this moment is to go to a doctors appointment without her, maybe just take your Dad, and tell them what's going on, they may well have seen similar cases before and have some suggestions for you. Stress is known to be very unhelpful in crohns and dealing with what's stressing you out will hopefully be a big help to your recovery.

I wouldn't normally suggest this, but since I can't be of that much help, would you mind if I discuss this with my boyfriend and see if he has any advice for you? He has very strict parents and his mum acts similar to how you describe yours, getting emotional and stressed, he doesn't have ibd but he does suffer pain every day, and his parents still expect him to help a lot around the house etc. I wouldn't mention your name or go into any details that you didn't want me to . It's totally up to you though, if you don't want me to say anything to him then that's totally ok .

 

[Holly95]

It could well be the way she was brought up, I'm not sure.

I could try those, I think the safest for now is taking my dad to the doctors with me or going on my own for a while.

Yeah that's fine I don't mind at all

 

[valleysangel92]

Just remember that it's not you lovely, you seem like a very down to earth girl who tries really hard to deal with this thing, so don't let it bring you down and make you feel like it's something you've done, okay?

Okay, keep us posted on how things are going . You might want to start a new thread on the main forum as well, this one is a little slow at times .

Okay , I will have a chat to him when I can and I will get back to you, even if it's just a way of coping with it all so it doesn't drive you insane

 

[Holly95]

I try to remember that but it's a little difficult when your mums going off at you for everything :-/ I try to just brush it off but everything is getting to me at the moment.

I will, thank you. I might start a new thread when I can be bothered typing everything out.

 

[valleysangel92]

Yeah I can totally understand that.. Whenever you need reminding you can always come to us and vent your feelings

 

[Jennifer]

If you want instead of typing the whole thing out again I could copy this thread and move it into Support. Up to you Holly95.

I'm curious, what would happen if you and your brother didn't finish your chores? I'm not trying to get too personal here but it seems like your dad understands and is on your side so if the punishment isn't severe then maybe your mom may come around eventually by at least cutting you two some slack (wishful thinking that 3 against one may help somehow).

I'm sorry you're going through this. I didn't have chores growing up and my parents were pretty understanding for the most part.

If you want we could have some of the parents respond and see if they have any suggestions? I could tag some into your other thread if you want this one copied.

 

[Holly95]

That might be a good idea, thank you Jennifer.

My brother doesn't have chores, neither does my sister when mum is around, though dad will get them to do things when mums not around. My brother does a lot of work on the farm so he doesn't have to do any chores in the house, which I can understand, but it does irk me when he can't so much as put his own plate in the dishwasher when he's finished.

There is no punishment as such, like I don't get anything taken off me or stopped from going places when I'm actually well enough to go anywhere, but I hear about it for weeks, on and on like a stuck record. My dad would never go up against my mum in anybodies defense, they are fighting enough as it is at the moment (they don't know I know) and he does his best to defuse things and I actually feel quite sorry for him because he's not the cause of this, it's mum playing her woe is me thing. I'm so confused, just when I think I've figured things out it all changes again.

That may be a good idea, I'm just worried about having people think I'm just a whingebag teenager who doesn't want to do her chores, though I know everyone on here is a lot more understanding than the majority of people that are physically around me every day

 

[valleysangel92]

Honestly holly, none of us think that, it's easy to see that you are really struggling and you genuinely can't manage to do it. We all know what that exhaustion is like, no one here will judge you for it, it's clear your going through a tough time, and the stress of that won't be helping you recover at all. I know what it's like to have someone that's meant to care about you act as though your lazy or making things up etc and to give you hell for things which really don't deserve it please don't go through this alone just because of what other people might think, if anyone does give you hassle you can always report them and the monitors and mods will be able to deal with it . * Hugs*

 

[Holly95]

This is true, I think at the moment a lot more things are getting to me than normal too which doesn't help. I was doing really well for a while but I've been completely off the Prednisone for only 4 days now and I'm going downhill so quickly even with the 4g of Pentasa every day, so obviously it's not working very well if at all.
I see my surgeon again on December 11 so hopefully he will work things out. But he had the mentality of "If the Pentasa doesn't work then it's not Crohns and we have to find another reason." But Pentasa doesn't work for everybody from what I've read, and he seemed adamant in his diagnosis after all the tests that he did.

I really don't know how you all cope, so many on this forum have been sick for much much longer than I have, I've only been sick constantly for the past 6 months and I'm already losing it -_-