How can I support my loved ones too

[valleysangel92]

Hi guys, I wasn't really sure where to post this, but since this part is full of family members I thought it could be a good place to try.

I know that a lot of focus goes onto our partners and families supporting us, but it's sometimes forgotten how hard it can be for them.

I know my boyfriend struggles at times, he hates seeing me in pain, just recently I've been struggling a bit and he's been really torn.

He's due to possibly go back to uni soon, and he admitted he feels bad because I recently found out I'm not allowed to rejoin my course .

I encourage him to talk to me as much as possible but he always feels like his problems or feelings are nothing compared to mine.

My question to you is what can we do to support our loved ones. What would you say is the hardest thing for you to cope with and how could that be made easier?

 

[DJW]

Good question. I've always down played how bad I feel so they don't worry. I don't ask for much help or want them to come with me for procedures. Of course I end up feeling alone which is hard when I feel lousy and anxious. I have to start screening for multiple myloma (a bone marrow cancer) in October and I've started pretty tight lipped. Not overly concerned at the moment but it is on my mind every day. Not sure that that is a good strategy. I'm open to suggestions.

 

[valleysangel92]

I used to have similar issues, and often my bf could see straight through it which just made it worse .. One time I got so bad I almost fell down the stairs and he caught me and took me to hospital (I was trying to go to the train station with him, insisting I was ok) . So hiding it doesn't work for me, and it's not good for us anyway as you say. I'm always trying to think of ways to lighten the burden on him though, I hate how he feels guilty .

I hope everything goes well with the screening!

 

[Jennifer]

I treat others how I'd like to be treated (well, people close to me anyway). If my husband says that he had a bad day at work I don't pressure him to talk about it until he's ready (usually takes about an hour at least for him to wind down). When he's sad I'm there for him and try to help him think of any possible solutions.

When he needs to go to the ER I'm right there beside him even though I'm extremely tired myself and sometimes don't feel it warrants a trip to the ER (he wasn't given proper medical care by his parents growing up so now that he's grown he uses the ER whenever possible, especially since he's seen me go a few times for the same reasons, yet I have Crohn's and he doesn't). If I tell him not to go and that its not worth it then he will stay at home and in pain (or whatever was going on, last time was lots of vomiting from the flu) because he values my input but I can't stand seeing him that way and usually tell him that if he feels like he needs to go then I'll go with him.

Even though I don't always understand his thought process I'm there for support no matter what. I know he doesn't understand all that I go through. Just today I told him that I thought about just asking my GI for another resection (thought process of I had a 14 year remission after my last one and wasn't on these other meds that I'm on currently), I know that's not the answer, my husband pointed out how wrong it was from a logical perspective but it was hard for him to understand how sick I am of all the medication and what it does to me. I'll stay the course but sometimes this illness is extremely overwhelming and even I have my days where I can't take it anymore.

Just because we have a chronic illness doesn't mean we need to hide it when we're ill or if we're having other problems like depression, the flu, a simple cold, a random leg ache for no apparent reason, too cold or too hot etc. Those who really care for us wont think that we're complaining or that we're, "always sick" (quote from my thankfully ex boyfriend). They will be there for us and we can be there for them.

 

[nogutsnoglory]

I feel terrible because my parents have been caring for me and I feel like they are suffering from crohn's and seeing their son suffer terribly in a psychological way.

I just keep telling them how grateful I am and he much I love them. I order flowers and such to surprise them. I'm not sure how else I can support them since I'm not really functional now.

 

[valleysangel92]

Thankyou both for replying. I try to make sure that my boyfriend knows that I am there for him if he needs support with anything. I know that things have been tough for him lately as there's been a lot going on with his family but he struggles talking to me about it as he thinks his problems aren't as important as mine are.

I try my best to reassure him by telling him that just because his problems are different to mine it dosent make them any less important and it is still ok for him to ask me for help especially since he doesnt feel he can talk to his family about things.

He worries about me a lot, just a simple ache really worries him with me, but he doesnt like telling me or talking about his fears, he is getting better with it though. He also worries about putting any extra pressure on me. I just want him to feel that his problems are as important as mine are, even if he isnt sick.

I'm going to try and help my sister out with her new baby in the next few weeks, she's always been there for me and it would be nice to do the same for her .