How to deal with parents.

[AndyCrohnsPatient]

My parents are way to rough when it comes to school. The story short and easy is that they make me go to school while in alot of pain and make me work hard meet with teachers for missing school and Im hurting alot through all this and all they tell me is do it! I hate it, they dont give me a break. I tell them they are being to pushy but they say no im not look at your grades. I just wish I could take it easy when it comes to school and im failing because im going to school hurting and they are making me do to much. I just wish they could understand what I go through on a daily basis and they care about me its just when its school its like i dont even have the disease. I just need some help on helping me slow them down when it comes to school. Its hard enough without them making it worse while im suffering. Also them making me do more is making me more not to because its just hard and im tired alot the time. Any advice please. :voodoo:

 

[jed]

any way you could get your parents to come on here and do some reading?

that way they may be able to see that it really is quite hard to deal with this disease..

they've probably read the pamphlets from the doctors and hospital, read the drug warnings etc etc, but its not till you come to a forum like this that you can actually see what people really have to deal with.

also, you can change your name from Andycrohnspatient to somethink else they wont recognise for a while if you dont want them to know what your posts are?

 

[RHOV]

I'm sorry your parents don't understand. It adds a lot of pressure to be fighting a disease AND other people at the same time.

As for school, your school should have some sort of policy towards students with disabilities or medical circumstances. You might want to go beyond talking to teachers and contact school officials to see if you can lighten your courseload or be excused from some assignments. You should not have to suffer academically when you are in such pain that you cannot work.

I know that Crohns08 takes some classes online. Depending on what grade you're in and what your school allows, you can take correspondence courses, which are done mostly online and don't always require you to go to class. BYU has some good online courses. My school counts BYU courses as high school credits. Maybe yours does too. It lets you work at your own pace from your own home, so you wouldn't have to attend a class.

Can you maybe drop a few classes and come to school late and leave early? If you take only the core classes (English, math, history, whatever) and nothing special like art of music, then you might be able to go to school for only part of the day.

i don't know what your school's policy is, but there must be SOMETHING. I hope that your parents will realize that you do try, but that you really can't deal with all your schoolwork right now. They should be your biggest advocates and supporters. Good luck!

 

[Guest]

there could be an element of denial going on too... maybe your parents don't want to accept the level of debilitation & limits that Crohns gives you - & think that by pushing you to reach 'normal' grades & attendance, then things aren't that bad...?

i echo the suggestions in here.. ask them to read parts of the forum, talk to the school advisor, & make sure when you go for your GI appointments, one of your parents comes with... you could actually bring this issue up at the appointment - could be helpful.

 

[danman]

My own experience was similar to yours, but maybe 20-25 years difference.
My parents pushed me as well, but I realised from early on what the reason was.

We as Crohn's sufferers will always be sick, it's a fact.
By the time you leave school, you need to have the necessary education to either get a good job or go to University to get a good job.

Manual labour is not really an option for us. Neither is working in endless dead end jobs. I take it your from the U.S. so you will need a job that either provides health insurance or you can pay health insurance.

If your parents are the same as mine, they recognise this. They only want the best for you. And education is the best option.
My teenage years were my worst, Crohn's wise. But I knew that I had to get an education to set me up for the rest of my life. It wasn't easy, but I got through it and you will too.

Don't take the typical teenage attitude of "nobody understands me". Be above that. Think of your future, not your present. Your parents are only thinking of you. Your tone implies that you think your parents are only trying to punish you.
Take it from me, as a parent, You are the only thing on their mind, every second of every day. They will know what you are going through, because they see you each and every day.

I'm sorry if I seem harsh, and I say this again, it's your future they're worried about, not your present.

 

[RHOV]

YOu also don't HAVE to graduate Hs in 4 years. Take a lighter courseload and spend 5 years getting all your credits. Don't push yourself when you aren't able to, but don't use it as an excuse to be lazy (I'm not implying that you're lazy!). I don't think there is any shame in taking a new approach to school when you have such a huge obstacle in the way of your life and education.

your future is not necessarily in jeopardy here. you can still graduate high school and go to college and get whatever kind of job you want. you just might have to do it differently from everyone else.

I've tried to push myself to go to school when I shouldn't, and I take hard classes, and when I'm sick my grades have suffered. I probably would have done some things differently if I had a chance to redo the last few years. High school is an important time of your life, but that doesn't mean that you don't have very chance to succeed.

 

[Han Shan]

I would agree with Jed about asking your parents to read some of the stories here on this forum in order that they may have a better understanding of what this disease is really like. I don't know how much your parents know about it already, but if all they know is what they have read from a pamphlet at the doctor's office, then they are woefully under-informed about Crohns. I remember the pamphlet I was given, which made Crohns sound about as bad as a cold..."just take some pills, maybe have a surgery or two, and your life will be totally back to normal!" Those pamphlets are a huge joke.

 

[art_nj]

I had my first ulcer when I was 13 years old. My parents didn't take me to a doctor...my older sister finally did (this was back in 1981)! I was constantly having terrible stomach pain, but my parents didn't believe me (off the boat from Poland and VERY stubborn). Anyway, my sister took me to a GI doctor and paid out of her pocket to have me diagnosed. After the doctor discovered my ulcer, my sister insisted that my parents go to the doctor with me for my next visit. Once the doctor explained things to them one on one, they took me a bit more seriously (for a little while at least). Perhaps your doctor needs to sit down and explained everything in DETAIL to your parents, it may help them understand and remind them of what you're going through. Good luck and I hope things work out for you!

 

[Colt]

I had the same thing. Everyone around me just decided that I was somehow faking my disease to skip school. The fact that I was nearly bed ridden in excrutiating pain for 2 years didn't register. All that registered was that I was missing school and why else would a kid miss a large amount of school other than not wanting to go?

Anyway, I dragged on forver fighting with everyone until my junior year when I just said F it and got my GED. A GED is just as good as a high school diploma and there's even laws making it illegal to discriminate between the two. You don't need to suffer through 4, 5, 6, or even 7 years of high school just to make other people happy.

Not only did I drop out of high school but I went to college a year earlier than my peers. College is still difficult to do while ill, but it's FAR more accomodating than high school.

Since then I've had a few light periods where I've been able to accomplish quite a lot. Succeeding with crohn's really takes a lot of adapting. You need to figure out the best way to accomplish something considering how your specific illness behaves and that's usually not like other people's. For me I'm doing well to wait for good times and then work my ass off getting whatever certification/qualification I want and then being in a comfortable position when the bad times come around again.

Good medical care makes all the difference too. Make sure your doctor understands how bad off you are and how important it is for you to reach a level of healthiness where you can function day to day. Don't be afraid to ask if there's any stronger treatment to try.

 

[Wiles]

Is there any way your school can accommodate you? I did a year of school at home, I did all the work at home, and had a tutor come in once a week for an hour or so to check up on my progress. Also there are distance education programs for high school as well. Doing work on your own takes a lot of dedication and motivation, which can be hard when you're sick. I stopped my education about a year after I stopped going to school. I ended up just writing the GED test. Now I'm studying what I wanted to study at University.

 

[AndyCrohnsPatient]

Thanks for help. I think i need to go talk with my school more about work load. Also I guess im just going to fight back more. My bro went through school alright but not as well as he should and now they are making sure that doesnt happen to me. I think they are just to caught up in making good grades so i do good later and not focusing on my pain now. They love and care about me alot and are always there is just that school is just something they need me to get perfect but they dont see i need just a little less pushing.

 

[AgB621]

Hi Andy -

I can totally relate to having a disease that makes school really difficult. For me, it was bipolar disorder that was undiagnosed until my senior year of high school. I missed a LOT of school because the anxiety and depression were so overwhelming. You should talk to the school counseling center. There are options for you. There might be other schools nearby specifically for students with struggles that make a traditional classroom setting uncomfortable or impossible. There was a time when I didn't go to regular classes but instead worked with a tutor the school provided for a few hours a day and did all my work that way. The one on one environment was less stressful than the classroom. I'm not sure where you're from, but in the US schools are required to accommodate you. You have options, and if the traditional setting is becoming too difficult you should explore some of those options. And I would also recommend that after you talk to the school about your options, if something sounds like a good idea to you, bring it to your parents and say, "The way things are going is too rough on me. I want to do well but the pressure from the current arrangement is making this already debilitating disease even worse. I spoke to the school and here are one or two alternative options we could look into." They will respond if you approach them in a mature and cooperative fashion.

As for getting good grades so that you can do well later, there are always options no matter what your grades are. And schools beyond high school always take into consideration a person's health or situation when assessing your grades. Nearly every school will ask on your application if there is any reason you do not feel your grades are an accurate assessment of your capabilities. If you tell them you were very ill in high school, suffering from overwhelming pain every day and pushing through it to attend school (whether you should tell them the exact nature of your illness is a question that is a bit controversial, I'm dealing with applications to grad school and I've been told that it's not a good idea, but applying to college might be different) then they will consider that against your grades. Remind your parents that this disease is worsened by stress and if they don't go a little easier on you, you could get much sicker. You have alternatives, but it sounds like you have to be the one to make the first step in exploring them. Good luck.

 

[GoJohnnyGo]

Well Andy, I'd say you've got a better handle of your interpersonal dynamics than any of us. I do, however get the impression that your parents mean well, and conversely, you're doing as much as you can from your end.

Thing with Crohn's is that there'll be times when we are better able to cope with it, and times when we struggle.

There's been some excellent suggestions already posted. I sincerely hope you are able to ride out this rough patch, and don't be afraid to ask those around you for help.