How to motivate my senior to finish high school

[twirlingrev]

My son is 18 years old, was diagnosed with Celiac disease four years ago, with lactose intolerance last summer, and with Crohns in February this year. He has been on homebound, online instruction since them. He should graduate from high school in three weeks, but he is not working effectively. At all. I doubt he will graduate. He is 50% of his way through this coursework. He is an extrovert so to be isolated at home has been really challenging. He is an auditory learning so to read online is awful. And Facebook and video games are complete distractions.

Helping him structure his time doesn't help. Yelling at him doesn't help. His father being firm and setting limits with him doesn't help. My loving approach doesn't help. So, we have decided to back off and let him deal with the consequences. Being opposites, my husband (authoritarian) and I (permissive) have to work really hard to get on the same page.

One consequence is that neither his Dad nor I want to send him to college next year because we don't see effective habits in place that will help him to make the transition. This really makes him sad, and me, too. I don't see it change his motivation at all.

He went on a round of prednisone in late January and absolutely loved feeling better. He didn't buckle down to work while he was well but spent a lot of time procrastinating. As the stress of finishing comes upon him, his Crohns is flaring up and a new round of prednisone doesn't seem to help.

Whatever are we parents to do?

 

[Clash]

I have a good idea of where you are coming from. My son will be going into 11th grade this upcoming year. During his diagnosis which was during 9th grade he missed alot of school from his illness and the stress of catching up really did a number on him. It was almost like procrastination was a defense mechanism to deal with the fact he was overwhelmed.

We hung on as long as we could at his school through the first semester of 10th grade but started the 2nd semester through a more flexible program at another school in our area. All of his work was completed on independent study or through online program. Although he has completed everything for the year it was a constant battle to keep him on task and get him to complete the expected work for the week. We had the same distractions as you.

I'm not sure how we are going to face the next year but like you I have decided to step back and let him face the consequences for his choices. I can't be there to shepherd him through life and he feels that I am weighing down on him with all the nagging. So I've decided come what may it is up to him.

He is absolutely capable of secondary education and before his CD dx he was in advanced classes and should be in joint enrollment now but if he chooses a different path then so be it. I may grieve for the path I envisioned his life taking but in the end he has to want that life and make the choices and decisions to get himself there.

It is so hard though to sit back and watch.

 

[twirlingrev]

The stress of catching up is enormous! I think that you are right: procrastination is a defense mechanism to deal with the fact of being overwhelmed.

My son, too, had been in advanced classes. I find the unpredictability of flare ups as well as the intensity and duration of them to have knocked out any sense of routine which is part of self-discipline of good study habits.

So, he looks "lazy" but I am sure there is more going on behind that. He still has to get his work done!

I am sure that my husband and I are grieving at how his promising life is compromised. Still, I hold out hope that he will find the inner motivation to follow a dream that is fulfilling to him.

 

[Tesscorm]

While crohns may have had a bit of an impact, in Stephen's case it was small. However, while he did graduate in June 2012, I did encourage him to return to high school (we had that option here) for one more year. He did so and it has worked well for him in EVERY way. While he did still apply to universities during his 'first' grade 12 year and worked to keep his marks, I think in the back of his mind, the pressure was off as he knew he could wait a year if he wanted. He didn't get an acceptance at his first choice last year, so decided to return to high school for one semester (sept to jan). As he had all the courses he needed, the only pressure was to pick up one or two extra credits and try to raise his marks in one 'repeated' class. The 'extra' credits he did through co-op (work at a job to earn the credits), this led to the company offering him a full-time paid job from Feb until he leaves for uni this August (and have promised him a job next summer too!). He's also matured, changed his university courses' applications as he had a better sense of what he wanted, was able to start new crohns treatment with no interruption to school - all around it worked well.

With or without crohns, I think kids need that extra year - to mature and have a better grasp of what they'd like to do... and, at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter if they graduation from university/college at 21, 22 or even 25!

Perhaps explore what options would be available to him if he were to delay a year?? In our case, the co-op was a great option giving him school credits and work experience. You may have similar programs, perhaps even through your 504 program or as Clash said, an alternative school. Once you have this info, then you can let him make decisions based on all the options available to him and discuss the pros/cons of each path.

But, agree with you both... very tough to learn to step back and let them make their decision!

 

[Clash]

C has an older sister at university and she is a junior. She is way more disciplined than C as far as completing all that is asked from school but she was still somewhat of a procrastinator. She would just cram everything in at the last minute. I think that is C's intention but then when the last minute arrives he gets overwhelmed by the amount he is going to have to accomplish and ends up saying "what's the point." The sad part is this was exactly my issue in school as well and Tesscorm you are right it took some maturity on my part to change.

With all I've said it makes it sound as though C is an all out slacker but he will finish the year with honor roll. I think you are right though twirlingrev, in C's case part of it is also that the flares were so unpredictable he couldn't get his feet under him and maintain good study habits. For C, everything now seems to be under control but all that time out of schedule is going to take some time to iron out.

 

[Tesscorm]

Stephen is also a total last minute crammer! :ywow: And, unfortunately, this just leads to becoming overwhelmed, leading to stress, sometimes leading to crohn's issues, etc., etc....

I was also a procrastinator (still am to a degree) but you learn from your mistakes...

I'd/We'd love nothing more than to help them not get into this situation but... I guess that's why it's so tough for us to let them learn on their own! :ybatty: (I think it's almost as tough for us as it is for them!)

 

[Clash]

I totally agree! I think I've even added to C's stress because I've been so determined that he stay on path. I think he has now started to question if he can make it through a secondary education. I think my constant harping of "you can't lag in college, you have to be more disciplined if you want to make it through college" to the point he some what thinks "hell I won't make it!" Ha! Funny thing is, as my hubby often reminds me thousands of kids do their hardest partying and still make it out with a degree and go on to be productive citizens, so if he gets a little off course he'll just be one among many that have to tighten up to get through!
Goodness knows I had a good time in college! Haha!

 

[ChampsMom]

Hey Twirl..

Any chance you can talk with the school to see if they will allow him to walk for graduation, but complete the course work during the Summer (as part of his accommodation?).

If he is on a sort of Home and Hospital Instruction (that is what my son is doing, he's completing his sophomore year and also in all advance courses), then he can always complete during the Summer months and walk for graduation in the winter (IF they have a winter graduation or next year) while possibly taking some classes at your local community college while he gets his health and tendencies more solidified?

Another option, talk to the program's coordinator and guidance counselor and have them talk to him - outside intervention can be more effective at times (an encouraging word, "We want you to walk... Do this, then that..."

Just some thoughts... my heart goes out to you both!

Good luck!

 

[Jmrogers4]

We've been dealing with that this whole last semester, Jack missed a bunch of days right at the beginning and just kept snowballing on him and while we are very proud of his grades and he did great it was not as well as he normally does. Glad school is over her and he made it out on honor roll and we can start fresh next year and he has a few more years before graduation.
We have an alternative high school here as well that I've been looking at info on as well, smaller classes and more individualized instructions. We'll see how next year goes as we are 7-9 in junior high and 10-12 in high school so I have one more year before high school

 

[Maree.]

Are there other pathways into tertiary later if he doesn't do it now.

I missed too much year 11 due to illness to finish and the year then got a job, after four years secretarial work I was ready to accept that college was something I needed. I did year 12 (final year of school in Oz) at an adult education center, while working part time. Got good marks & into a really good course and did really well at University.

Those years working mean't that when I did decide to go back at 21 I was really driven and motivated. Which I think is why I did so well at university.

 

[DustyKat]

Both of my kids are at uni but their approach to it was very different.

My daughter was diagnosed in Year 9 after 18 months of illness. She was well in remission by the time she reached Year 12 but it was a battle year for her, she really went off the rails.
I surely understand the procrastination side of things because at that age that was me to a tee and I didn't have any health issues to deal with! Also the Pred can be a double edged sword because although it can make you feel fab and full of energy it doesn't necessarily equate to concentration.

I know where you are coming from twirlingrev with no approach making a difference, that was Sarah all over. In the end I ended up saying to her...You know what you want and you know what you have to do to achieve it. I will leave it you to get on with things but if you need our help you only have to ask...Things did work out for her and I can only hope that your boy finds a way around this. :ghug:

Good luck Mum, I am not familiar with your school system but I hope the suggestions that the other Mum's have given may provide you with some answers.

Dusty. xxx

 

[twirlingrev]

Hello, new friends!

It is such a comfort to read your responses to my original post. Thank you so much for replying. Not to be alone is a wonderful thing!

Sooooo, my son DID finish all of his coursework at the very last moment. Somehow he rallied and pulled it off. Not his best grades, but who will remember that? He is FINISHED. He will WALK on Thursday with his graduating class. And I will be WEEPING!

Oh.my. my. What we have overcome to get to this!!! My husband and I did back off in these last weeks, and with a clear end date in sight, our son took off and finished all the work.

He leaves us on Sunday to be a leader-in-training at "his" summer camp for seven weeks and returns mid-August. Then what? He accepted the University of Toronto, but we want him to defer. We don't have the money to pay tuition only for him to mess up. That said, he wants to go and is eager, I am sure, to be in the classroom again. His father and I are just soooo unimpressed with his discipline and work habits.

I've been so focused on him getting through with high school (his dad didn't think he could/would do it) that I've come out to this new place with little sense of direction for what is next.

Anyway, thanks so much to each of you for sharing what you have!!

 

[Clash]

So glad to hear he completed everything!

Maybe with a summer of leadership camp in front of him he will gain some skills that could benefit him moving forward. When he returns from camp maybe you will see a clearer path or be more confident with the decisions he wants to make?

My son got a job this summer and just in the short time that he has been employed I've started to see more discipline and acceptance of responsibilities, I have my fingers crossed that it carries over to the next academic year!

 

[vtfamily]

One of my favorite books for Crohn's is John Bradley's "The Foul Bowel." It is NOT a do this, don't do that book for Crohn's. It is just his story of how he managed to live a full life while managing his Crohn's over the past 30 years. There is a lot of humor in the book. It also has some thoughtful insights into managing a career, dating, etc...

Your son may be having trouble imagining a future for himself. John Bradley has a website/blog and is very responsive.

My best to you both.
Cheryl

 

[Maree.]

My question about deferring would be how are you going to know when it is the right time? My impression from this forum is that the course of the diseases is really hard to predict, with flares coming out of the blue.

If he's well enough to tackle it at the moment and strongly motivated (coming off a recent success, having worked hard end of year to get through course work and make it through), I wonder if it's better to seize the moment, rather than wait in the hope that down the track he'll be in better shape.

 

[twirlingrev]

You are all so much smarter than I am. Great insights.

With all the unpredictability and lack of control around flare-ups, he may have a hard time imagining a future for himself. And, if he is feeling strong now, why not seize the moment? How will we know when the right time is?

Another friend said, "Yeah, he's gonna go off to college and make more mistakes, some of them terrible, so let someone else hold him accountable!"

It is primarily his father who is appalled by our son's terrible work habits and accompanying attitude (especially toward his dad) that stops my husband in his tracks and makes him not want to pay for college when we hardly have enough money to send him. I've not been impressed either. We are locked in a pretty dynamic triangle between father-mother-son!

After he went on prednisone the first time, our son just took a lot of time off to enjoy feeling better. I can appreciate that. I just wonder if a year of that is what he needs given that the last four have been so tough.

Putting our son in the bigger picture of academic achievement, he would be fine. Seven weeks of summer camp will do him wonders. I can only hope we'll have some great correspondance to sort this out.

 

[crohnsinct]

What a boy! You must be so proud of him! I welled up in tears reading your post about how he rallied.

This disease sucks! But when you see all these kids have to go through and how they have to approach things set before them differently than the run of the mill child and how hard they have to fight for what they want and how focused they have to be....well, they don't teach that in any high school, camp or university. These skills they learn will be invaluable in their lives and will define them for years to come!

I hear ya on the paying for college and them not handling it the way you would like. I had that with my daughter who is going into her Sophmore year and isn't my Crohns child! At the end of freshman year my husband and I sat back and said, "we paid for that?". But she is more determined now and has discovered a lot about herself. Maybe have him take a lighter load anticipating that the transition might be tough and possible health issues.

Good Luck and have fun at Graduation! Tell him to walk tall! He deserves it!

 

[Tesscorm]

Such great news!!! While I really do think my son benefited from waiting a year before heading off to university, I think it's also important to keep in mind what others have said... he's well now, he's eager, etc. U of T is not an easy school to get into, he (you ) must be proud to have achieved that!

Good luck... all these decisions are never easy to make!

 

[Dexky]

He's going to school in Canada?? Couldn't he find a less expensive in-state school to get some collegiate experience. Then, if things go well, move on to the school of choice. If things don't go well, with his dedication being somewhat questionable, he may give up and be unwilling to try again. Just throwing some thoughts out there. You obviously know your son best and have to help him make these decisions. Good luck!

 

[DustyKat]

It is so wonderful to read that your lad is graduating twirlingrev! Kudos to him and to you too!

I agree with letting him have his head and go straight on to uni. As I said, my daughter was not in a good place in her last year of school and all she wanted to do to get out this small town and head to the city and uni. I had the same fears as you about commitment to study and where campus life would lead her after the rebellion of the previous year but it has been the making of her. She has not looked back and only gone from strength to strength. She needed to get out of town and leave the past behind, forging a way for herself on her terms.

My biggest fear has always been the unpredictability of this disease. I had always hoped that Sarah would say she didn't want to do a gap year because I just wanted her to get through university without flaring and so the sooner she does the better in my book.

My son is at university too but his mode of entry mean't that a gap was not a possibility for him.

Good luck!

Dusty. xxx