I am beyond depressed..

[taylorali]

I have been very sick for over 4 months now. Going through testing and hospital stays. It's been horrible.

I have been up for the last over 24 hours.

I had a massive fight with my family. I think I just snapped. My little brother is leaving for college today and I can't go because of how sick I am, but my whole family is going without me. I am beyond sad that no one even asked me if I'd want to go or say anything about it. It just breaks my heart.

So much bad stuff happened and for half of it.. I have to honestly just say, I blacked out. At one point I started vomitting - which I have been doing a lot - but I guess the stress brought it on this time. And no one even helped me. They just watched me. Like.. wtf is wrong with her?

My mom told me she hated me. I was a bitch. I was spoiled. I treat everyone like they're a slave. I'm a drug addict. I cry 'wolf.' So many horrible things. "Then she was like, nanana you have crohn's disease! get over it!"

She even was abusive toward me. I don't understand how she could do that when my surgery is probably going to be next week. I don't understand. I don't know how to make any of it better.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be.

 

[Tara1971]

I know the feeling! Remember you are not alone. We with crohn's have to try and remember to keep our heads high even though at times you just want to crawl in a hole and give up. I have been told that I need to get over it and deal with it also. Sometimes it is just so hard to deal with and I just want to give up. Then I TRY to think of the positives....I am alive (even though I feel more dead right now)....I have to wonderful boys that need me.
It is not easy....not at all!

 

[Crohn's gal since 1989]

:hug:
Sometimes family sucks! Keep your head held high and take care of yourself! :hug:

 

[aschei]

I'm so sorry that has been happening. It's hard to remember who you are and what great things you have to give to the world when people treat you like crap. I'm finding more and more that I'm the only one who is willing to take care of me too, so in response I try to take the best damn care of myself that I can.

I guess I want you to know that people will love you and do love you and have loved you throughout your life, but sadness really makes it hard to see that. One of my favorite lines/quotes is "Sadness is but a wall between two gardens." You can't see the garden behind you or the one in front of you but they are there and so close.

 

[DJW]

Oh Ali I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. Sending you an e hug. :hug:

 

[CrohnsM]

Ali, So sorry you have this to deal with. Hang in there. Try to block out the negativity from your family. You are strong and must do what must be done for your own health. No one understands unless they're in your shoes. Sounds like your family may be upset you're in this situation, and feel frustrated they can't do anything. Its a bad situation all around. Crohns affects families, not just the person who has it. Your family just seems overwhelmed and tapped out. They probably could use therapy to deal with everything. They need better ways to handle your illness. What they're doing now is just bad and wrong. Would they be open to it. Tell them that the stress in the family is bad for your condition. Do you think they would consider it? That said, you obviously know you can't be mean to your family either. Maybe you are snapping at them because you're so miserable and sick, which is understandable, but not helping your relationship. I'm not a therapist, Just trying to help. Cause it really doesn't sound good for you. Take care.

 

[taylorali]

I know the feeling! Remember you are not alone. We with crohn's have to try and remember to keep our heads high even though at times you just want to crawl in a hole and give up. I have been told that I need to get over it and deal with it also. Sometimes it is just so hard to deal with and I just want to give up. Then I TRY to think of the positives....I am alive (even though I feel more dead right now)....I have to wonderful boys that need me.
It is not easy....not at all!

It's so hard. I feel dead most of the time. I've never been this depressed during an episode. I've never had people be so not understanding and just plain horrible to me. Especially my Mom, who told me she would never leave my side. :/

The positives for me are very slim right now. I have a fiance, but we are no where near on good terms. He doesn't understand this illness at all. He doesn't understand how much pain I experience on a daily basis.

I hope one day I can have two little ones and never treat them like this for a day of their lives.

Thank you for your support. It means so very much.

 

[taylorali]

:hug:
Sometimes family sucks! Keep your head held high and take care of yourself! :hug:

How do I do that when I rely on them monetarily? Literally, I cannot work. So it's either put up with it, or live no where. Taking care of myself isn't work out right now. I just can't seem to calm myself down enough to breathe.

 

[taylorali]

I'm so sorry that has been happening. It's hard to remember who you are and what great things you have to give to the world when people treat you like crap. I'm finding more and more that I'm the only one who is willing to take care of me too, so in response I try to take the best damn care of myself that I can.

I guess I want you to know that people will love you and do love you and have loved you throughout your life, but sadness really makes it hard to see that. One of my favorite lines/quotes is "Sadness is but a wall between two gardens." You can't see the garden behind you or the one in front of you but they are there and so close.

Really like that quote! I hope there is a beautiful garden in front of me. I haven't seen one in so long. Thank you for your support.

 

[taylorali]

Ali, So sorry you have this to deal with. Hang in there. Try to block out the negativity from your family. You are strong and must do what must be done for your own health. No one understands unless they're in your shoes. Sounds like your family may be upset you're in this situation, and feel frustrated they can't do anything. Its a bad situation all around. Crohns affects families, not just the person who has it. Your family just seems overwhelmed and tapped out. They probably could use therapy to deal with everything. They need better ways to handle your illness. What they're doing now is just bad and wrong. Would they be open to it. Tell them that the stress in the family is bad for your condition. Do you think they would consider it? That said, you obviously know you can't be mean to your family either. Maybe you are snapping at them because you're so miserable and sick, which is understandable, but not helping your relationship. I'm not a therapist, Just trying to help. Cause it really doesn't sound good for you. Take care.

Thanks so much for your support. I definitely have been very quite and alone for a long time and then yesterday, my Dad did something terrible, and it reminded me of back 10 years ago when he left.. and it's the same weekend I went to college 10 years ago.. and my little brother went.. and I lost it.

I wish I knew how to make myself not feel so sad. But right now.. I just am.

 

[DJW]

Hi Ali. Just checking to see how you're doing.

Dave