I can't be happy for my successful children

[Amy2]

I just found out my 25 year old son is on his way to Japan. He's an engineer and has traveled a lot for work and pleasure. He is highly paid and wears the best clothes, eats the best food, etc. I want to be happy for him, but I am not.
He's done nothing for his little brother, who has Crohn's. No flowers in the hospital, no card, no call. He asks about him, rarely and if the news is good, says "that's good" and if the news is bad, says "that's bad, I'm sorry"
He's never been a great big brother, but isn't this ridiculous? I don't even want to tell him to have fun in Japan. Our family sacrificed quite a bit to put him through school and now he is too good for us and thinks he did it on his own, even though we paid 100% of his first year of college and then gave him free room and board and medical... for the next 4 years. When he came up short, we lent him more money. We even moved, so that he could go to a good school. But, he did it all alone. He had to take out loans! (Poor baby) My successful daughter isn't acting much better. They are hurting their siblings and I really don't know what to do. Any ideas appreciated!

 

[lizbeth]

Gosh Amy2 I don't really know what to say that would help , all I can say is that in my experience family dynamics are strange. Tv portrays families that in crisis times rally round and support each other.....reality, to me is much different? I was diagnosed 9 months ago, in that time I have spoken to my older sister 3 times, 2 of those times about our dad. She never gets in touch. She calls to visit my younger sister most week's after being with our dad, apparently she doesn't know what to say to me?!! Hello would be a good start lol . I talk everyday with my younger sister. And dad, well he cares for no-one but himself and tells me often me being sick is harder for him and gives him chest pains!!

I suppose what I'm trying to say is family members can behave in a way that we would not expect or like, maybe your son and daughter are like my big sister, maybe they care but don't know how to show it? I am not making excuses by any means. Try thinking of it differently.....they both seem successful and settled so you don't need to worry about them the same which gives you more time to focus on your other family?? I have spent a long time pondering the situation with my big sister and I have now decided to not have any expectations of her and then that way I won't be disappointed, it helps me not feel as hurt as I did.

I'm sorry you are so upset, I really hope that you will be able to feel better soon, take care :ghug:

 

[my little penguin]

Hugs
Kids tend to focus on themselves ( even at 25)
They may not know how to communicate the worry they are feeling or how to make the situation better. They also may not want to add to your burden by expressing their feelings of concern to you the parents.
I know my oldest worries alot about his brother but his actions and everyday conversations you wouldn't think that at all . It has only been though snippets of info from conversations with others that the picture of what he is feeling is known .

Plus they may be concerned they will get crohn's as well ( as in the 25 year old).
Not talking about makes it less real.
Doesn't your daughter have crohn's too .
Is she doing well with her crohn's ?
She may not want to be reminded of how bad it could be or where she could be at .


Add in family normal stuff and things are bound to be confusing.

 

[worriedboy]

Amy2,

I am sorry to read that you are angry at your children; you have, however, maybe the "best" reason to be.
I am becoming to think that such situations are not rare at all. Your chronie son may have to deal with life mostly by his own, hopefully you will be there for him as much as possible and this will be the greatest gift you can get him.
I dont know if this is any kind of comfort for you, but my guess is that your chronie will develop strength and compassion from the kinds that his bro/sis will probably never will.
Try your best to spare your chronie those bad thoughts/energies. It has no point to think of that (even though it is SO hard to ignore), since at the bottom line everyone does with life whatever they like.

Sending you and your son one big, warm hug - not a brother/son hug - but it is honest, and it is full of understanding.

Best,

Worriedboy

 

[UnXmas]

I've often felt that my siblings don't really care about my problems. They just seemed to get on with their successful lives and ignore me. They talk to me, but never about my problems (health or otherwise). It's difficult because I know they have to get on with their own lives, but I do wish they'd care - not pretend to care, where it's more like they're just fulfilling a duty by remembering to ask how I am, but actually care. I've no idea what to do about this though.

Probably the best thing you can do is dedicate just as much time, money, energy, etc. to your son with Crohn's as to your other children. I hate it when it seems like my parents are so much happier with their normal, successful children. I know it's my problem if I feel jealous or hurt, but it's very hard to know how else to feel sometimes.

 

[afidz]

I am not sure if this will help or not, but I want to share something with you
In June, I went home to see my family. I don't talk to my siblings much, they don't really care about whats going on, especially in my medical life. I stayed up late talking to my brother one night, explaining to him my frustrations about how I feel like no one really cares about what I have been through. After that he pretty much broke down the family dynamic, trying to explain to me that because I have been through so much, I am the strongest. I am able to live so far away from home because I don't need my family's support. And I will go further in life on my own then my siblings will with my parents help. Basically what I am saying is your Crohnie will be ok, its awful that he lacks support from his siblings, and I know how it feels. But he is your fighter, he will go far in life. Whats important is that he feels love and support from you.
I can also say that my siblings are around the same age as your kids. At this point in their lives, my siblings are ignorant and self absorbed into their own lives, they don't know what its like to be sick or be around someone that is sick. For them its like walking on eggshells. They just don't know how to be around me. its awkward for all parties involved
I am sorry if this doesn't help, I was trying to explain things from my point of view and I am not sure if it makes any sense. :hug:

 

[Clash]

There's not quite the age difference between my two. C is almost 17 and my older daughter is in college. She wasn't here when we went through all the dx stuff or were dealing with the worst of how C felt. So there was a disconnect, C was still the annoying little brother she left behind when she headed to college. They were in two different places in their lives and she still doesn't know exactly how to deal with the fact that C has a chronic illness. I think like someone said above at some levels she fears it could happen to her and like MLP that age can be self absorbed.

It wasn't until C was in the hospital that I saw how my older daughter step up. I think it scared her that C was in the hosp but also gave her a reality check of what CD can be. She drove up to the hospital with a bunch of DVDs and laid in bed with him all day, watching movies and napping with him. When he was well and she felt he was "outta the woods" their relationship reverted back to nagging big sister/annoying little brother.

Even now she doesnt give him slack on life, she tells him to find a way not to let CD control him. She has met a few kids at college that have IBD and she often tells C that his future is still his own, he just may have to take a longer or bumpier path to get there. But she is quicker to come to his defense if she sees he is giving it his all and is a bigger cheerleader than she used to be.

Hope things work out between your family.

 

[alex_chris]

I can only say that everyone has to live their own lives. People just are not responsible for their siblings.

Having said that, I've had Crohn's since I was 18 and have supported my mother and younger sister after my father died when I was 24. I still support my mother. I do that because I can (I have a high paying job) and I love them, but I know that if I were paid less and if my Crohn's were worse, I could not have.

My mother, father, two sister and my older brothers always supported me, called me and said they hope I'll feel better soon when I had problems with my Crohn's, but to be honest I always tried to manage on my own rather than have someone take care of me. And if I had big problems with my Crohn's I would understand if anyone in my family said they want to live their own lives and rather not be troubled with my health problems. What I never wanted is someone of my close family feel miserable because I got problems.

 

[bozzylozzy]

Hi Amy2.. I am sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Because your son is 25.. have you thought about speaking to him about it? (Especially now he is going away) he might not be aware of what effects he has on you and his sibling. And as we all know.. time flies when you're having fun. He is likely to be getting on with life.. and because he Is not close by to see day to day.. he wont see how ill his little brother is. Obviously I dont know your situation at all.. and maybe you have already told him how you feel. In which case.. he needs to make more of an effort.

Can I ask how big the age gap is? I only ask this because I am 25.. with a brother who is 30. And we grew up together (naturally hated each other as kids) but we are a lot closer now. In saying that.. we also have an 8yr old sister. My brother lived far away and I flew the nest at 19 too.. so we dont have a sibling relationship the same as me and my brother do. Its hard.. and obviously we have different circumstances that I wont go in to.

I really hope you can sort things out. Xx :hug:

 

[PsychoJane]

I've always been under the impression that I was shading everyone else (I have a blood brother but as a teenage, when I first got sick, I had two step sister from my mother's relation). The fact I was sick was a reason for many sacrifices and they had to cope with the fact that, because of my illness, my mother had to let her job. Things got more complicated for everyone, not only me. Even though I've lived with them for ten years, sometimes I feel like they just saw that like good riddance once I was out of the way. We haven't spoke to each other there after (well I've tried to keep contact but it was a fail). Those weren't my real siblings so I guess this whole action is more easily done... At the same time, I don't blame them, It's true that my health conditions did affect their teenage in ways they would rather have avoided... Anyway my point is, I think It can be hard for some people to cope with someone else problem. We are so focus in achieving are own dreams and ideal life that these things like sickness, well, they require a great sens of compassion and empathy, and through years, I for sure can say that it is clearly not everyone that has it.

My brother, on the other hand, is the total opposite. He had a really hard time as a kid being bullied and all so he always had an extreme sens of compassion/empathy. I found that suffering allows you to be able to understand others no matter the circumstances of their pain better than the majority. Also, thankfully, my parents were always there to support me ... This, on the other hand, would have been a burden for me if I had seen they were trying to distance themselves due to my illness... Still, I try to limit what I tell them, unless necessary, I keep a lot for myself as I know the "helplessness" they feel toward my situation must be rather heavy on their shoulders.

 

[Johnnysmom]

I think your successful child thinks he has done his job. We are taught at a young age that we are suppose to go to college, find a job and become self sufficient. Sounds like he has done that and you should be very proud of him. He probably sees how busy you are with his siblings and is trying not to be a burden on you. I guarantee there are problems and stresses in his life but he probably hesitates to share them because he doesn't want to further stress you.

 

[my little penguin]

One more thing
Your oldest ( 25 year old)may feel at odds since you have stated in the past you are downgrading things financially at home so your youngest with crohn's would never have to work as an adult .
I am sure this may be playing into the dynamic since from what your posting your oldest felt he "did" college on his own even though we as parents "know" differently.

I will agree with clash our oldest does treat DS normally and cuts him no slack for having crohn's .
This is a good thing since he doesn't view him self as "sick" just as a child who can do anything that happens to have other medical stuff .

 

[Clash]

I thought about what MLP said too. I remembered you had posted before about gearing finances so you son would never have to work, that may play a role as most children are raised on the "get an education, find a career, be successful" route like johnnysmom stated so maybe that plays into your older son's actions as well. Or like Johnnysmom stated he has accomplished what is asked of most from a young age and is trying to work out the new dynamic of the family.

 

[Amy2]

I think your successful child thinks he has done his job. We are taught at a young age that we are suppose to go to college, find a job and become self sufficient. Sounds like he has done that and you should be very proud of him. He probably sees how busy you are with his siblings and is trying not to be a burden on you. I guarantee there are problems and stresses in his life but he probably hesitates to share them because he doesn't want to further stress you.

I want to thank everyone for your replies. I know it's hard to understand a family dynamic from the outside, but ours just feels terribly wrong to me. Still, I value other perspectives. To clarify, our kids are 32, 25, 19 and 16.

Growing up, I considered my 5 years older brother, my arch enemy, but in truth I greatly admired him and cared when he was in trouble (our step dad tried to force feed him a tomato, that led to them rolling around on the floor, I found myself pounding on my step dad's back, though I was only 11 and scared) and vice versa. When my brother got a high paying bartending job (not nearly what my son makes) he flu me to Texas to visit him for a month. I still remember my ticket cost over $400 and it was 1980. We had a connection that I feel is completely missing with my kids. Not that we were really close. We weren't.

I don't believe under the circumstances that I "should" feel proud of my 25 year old. He has everything and is acting like a mean/thoughtless jerk. He even teased my 16 year old about his thinness on one of his last visits home.
He needles people on purpose. He's very arrogant!

We downsized partially in response to the way my oldest kids are. It was obvious that I couldn't count on them to help my youngest son...

Clash, what your daughter did, sounds normal and very nice to me, and what I would have expected...but he did NOTHING. My 32 year old came for a few days, but ended up making my son angry when she dismissed his worries out of hand. I get that she's in denial about Crohn's, and stays somewhat ignorant on purpose (she didn't know Crohn's could affect your eyes) and got annoyed when my son's eye appointment took 3 hours. She was bored and wanted to go shopping...

I raised monsters.

 

[lizbeth]

I think the saying "You can choose your friends but not your family" is very true , sadly I know I wouldn't pick my dad or my big sister . It's utterly incredible how ignorant family can be, especially about important stuff like health, my little sister and I are both type 1 diabetic but neither dad or big sis understand what a hypo is and when they happen or we mention it's happened they have been heard to say " oh that doesn't mean anything to me"!!! I can understand your disappointment and frustration at what's going on and imagine it's a very difficult place to be. I don't believe you have raised monsters, the way I feel about my situation is that I love my dad and big sis but I just really don't like them sometimes , you might feel a bit like that too?

An earlier post mentioned about if a person had never been ill before (perfectly describes big sis, the worst is probably a stomach bug), I truly believe that if this is the case a person cannot have true empathy and will be ignorant, I know I have been guilty if this before being diagnosed with diabetes and crohns. Someday, sometime your son and daughter will see the true situation and you will be there to help them through it. Best wishes and a big hug. :ghug:

 

[Mistybear]

Amy2, I feel your disappointment in your children. In a perfect world, we would all be around to rally and support siblings and parents. Deep down maybe they take your son for granted, that even though he is chronically ill, he will be around forever! Maybe they really have no clue! I have a son that is 21, and yes he is a bit spoiled. By age 25 and certainly by 32, a little bit of compassion should of set in by now. They will come around one day, maybe when they have their own kids.

 

[Amy2]

They saw their older sister get sick and then appear to fully recover. That's what Crohn's was/is to them. But, when I try to tell them that their little brother is worse off, they get a look on their face like, of course it's worse, because it's happening to the 'prince'. They are clueless.

I feel like I accidentally gave 3/4 of a pizza to 2 of my kids and now am expected to enjoy watching them stuff themselves silly, while my other 2 don't have enough to eat.

I'm thankful that we can put some $ away for both of them, esp. the youngest, having Crohn's. And that's what I focus on most days, but I wish I wasn't expected to be happy or proud for having 2 uncaring, greedy kids.

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate being able to get this out.

 

[worriedboy]

I am really surprised from some of the abive posts - maybe I don't see the big picture ?
I couldnt not notice that some are showing understanding towards your big one, as if he was the one to be suffering.

I am sorry guys - I am not with you on this.
A good person, and a good brother/sister - should know to appreciate what life has given him, and, should know how to leverage that for those around him, not just himself (or is being self-centered considered legitimic ?)

Moreover, while I do appreciate your son's achievements, I wouldn't say they for themselves make him a good or a bad person in my perspective. Being caring, loving, polite, etc would. But well, that's me.

And another thing - I cannot understand why some think that this is all a sort of 'punishment' for your big one; being there for his brother is a priviledge, not a burden. What have we got in life if not each other ? Those little intimate connections. Those sincere talks.
What is it that family members should "libe their own life" ? Isnt family a part of that life ? Is it honorable to turn your back on your family, your home, your roots, once things get a little un comfortable ?
Is that like he feels this "holding him back" kind of thing ?
And lets put this all in the right proportion - the big brother has not been asked for money, niether for a help of any kind; just to be a brother. Be a friend.


Having said that, I realize I may be the minority to think this way. And that is exactly why you should give your chronie the best sense of self, so he will be able to manage life by himself. Anything beyond should be thought of as a bonus.


I am really sad right now.

Worriedboy

 

[Johnnysmom]

We downsized partially in response to the way my oldest kids are. It was obvious that I couldn't count on them to help my youngest son...

[
I raised monsters.

I thought there was a presumption to help out financially?? (Sorry if I am mistaken) I am just thinking that maybe they disagree with the approach that they should save so that their brother never needs to work in the future? If as a parent you make that decision fine, but they are adults who make their own way in the world and they might disagree with that philosophy. That is very different from not helping a sibling who is in current need. Perhaps they would help him financially in the future if the need arises?? Sorry if I misunderstood the situation. I certainly would be disappointed if my kids didn't help each other out when one was in need.

I suppose we all have differing opinions. But I do have a child with crohn's and one without so I felt I could sort of relate.

I do hope their relationship can improve. I know my own relationship with my siblings certainly ebbed and flowed over the years. There might be hope for them yet!

(((hugs)))))

 

[Amy2]

We moved to our basement and rent out the top 2 floors, to save for our youngest. It isn't much of a sacrifice, as it's about 1000 square feet and there's only the 3 of us now. Doing so has allowed us to save $1,600 more per month. Since the other kids have all moved out, it is not a sacrifice for them, at all. We never asked for their financial help, but expected their moral support.

It's like a bizarre Sophie's Choice. My youngest son wants me to cut them out of our lives.

 

[bozzylozzy]

Thats quite a strong thing for your son to suggest about cutting out your eldest children from your lives.. how do you feel about it?
I agree with worriedboy that being polite and compassionate etc.. is what it means to be a good person and not achievements/status.
I dont think anyone on here is defending your eldest's behaviour.. I think we're just trying to offer any explanations that could lead to it being resolved.

I really hope you can all sort this out.. because nobody wants to be in a difficult situation that involves cutting out members of the family. Please try talking to him and your daughter and I think you need to be frank with them. After all they are both old enough to not have it sugar coated. In saying that though.. if theyre anything like my mother.. dont jump straight in.. because they will immediately become defensive and anything after that will just become a blazing argument and mean things get said.
Or maybe some family counselling could be a good idea? Maybe your youngest could join in too and then your eldest can hear it directly from him about how it affects him?

((Hugs)) :hug: xx

 

[UnXmas]

I agree with worriedboy that being polite and compassionate etc.. is what it means to be a good person and not achievements/status.

While I agree with you about what makes a good person, I think being successful and able to support oneself is often also regarded as good qualities. My siblings earn enough to support themselves - one has bought a house. I'm still dependent on my parents (I don't just have Crohn's though, I have more severe health problems and additional problems with abuse that have basically left me physically and mentally unable to cope on my own, both in financial terms and with just day to day living).

I'm not saying this is true, but I think it's certainly something that many people believe: by not being independent I feel like I am a burden, that I've failed because I need help from others, others have to make sacrifices for my sake. I think there's a perception that people who are successful in their careers are doing well because they have put in the effort and work necessary to be successful, and are not selfishly relying on others to help them. In some cases there probably is a lot of truth in that perception, but in some cases there really isn't.

One other thing I wanted to add: I know that some people who have grown up with siblings who are sick feel that they missed out on a lot of attention from their parents. It can seem like parents are devoting more time and energy to the sick child - which is sometimes very true because the sick child may need more time and attention. Amy2 - do you think it may be one reason for your elder children's behaviour? That they've observed you dedicating yourself to your younger son - taking him to hospital appointments, maybe spending more time with him if he's off school sick a lot, worrying about him when he's flaring, spending time online learning about his illness? These types of things are things that you have to do, and the attention you dedicate to your child/children with Crohn's is something that of course you have to give them, but your elder children perhaps don't see it in that way and maybe resent that Crohn's has taken some of your attention away from them?

 

[Amy2]

My youngest is very hurt. I think that he has always felt unappreciated by his oldest siblings, but 'knew' he could count on them during times of trouble. I wasn't as sure.

Yet, I never thought I would cut any of my children out of my life. I felt extremely close to the oldest 2 until they hit adolescence, which I thought was fairly typical, but I also thought they'd eventually come back. Instead, they get more and more distant. And more full of themselves.

We struggled financially for several years, in the 90's when they were young and now they act like we were idiots for having done so. My husband, an enviromental engineer, was laid off when the government decided to cut corners on a clean up, for political reasons. He did nothing to cause his job loss. Yet, the fact that we struggled is proof in their minds that we were irresponsible and should have planned better.

I grew up very poor and like my siblings was expected to support myself at age 18. So, I saw free room and board until nearly age 24, as a huge gift. My son, on the other hand, saw not being able to live in the dorms, as a slight against him. We did not have an extra thousand a month, which is what it cost to live in the dorms, but we bought a house on the busline, 20 minutes from CU, to make it as convenient as possible for him.

And now I see him being neglectful, to the point of cruelty, toward his very sick little brother...

 

[Amy2]

While I agree with you about what makes a good person, I think being successful and able to support oneself is often also regarded as good qualities. My siblings earn enough to support themselves - one has bought a house. I'm still dependent on my parents (I don't just have Crohn's though, I have more severe health problems and additional problems with abuse that have basically left me physically and mentally unable to cope on my own, both in financial terms and with just day to day living).

I'm not saying this is true, but I think it's certainly something that many people believe: by not being independent I feel like I am a burden, that I've failed because I need help from others, others have to make sacrifices for my sake. I think there's a perception that people who are successful in their careers are doing well because they have put in the effort and work necessary to be successful, and are not selfishly relying on others to help them. In some cases there probably is a lot of truth in that perception, but in some cases there really isn't.

One other thing I wanted to add: I know that some people who have grown up with siblings who are sick feel that they missed out on a lot of attention from their parents. It can seem like parents are devoting more time and energy to the sick child - which is sometimes very true because the sick child may need more time and attention. Amy2 - do you think it may be one reason for your elder children's behaviour? That they've observed you dedicating yourself to your younger son - taking him to hospital appointments, maybe spending more time with him if he's off school sick a lot, worrying about him when he's flaring, spending time online learning about his illness? These types of things are things that you have to do, and the attention you dedicate to your child/children with Crohn's is something that of course you have to give them, but your elder children perhaps don't see it in that way and maybe resent that Crohn's has taken some of your attention away from them?

Pretty much the opposite. I focussed on the older ones and neglected my youngest. We didn't even realize he had Crohn's until March. His symptoms were very subtle for a long time.

 

[Amy2]

My husband used to joke that the first thing they teach in engineering is arrogance 101. Unfortunately, my older son seemed to take it to heart. I love this quote: "A good person, and a good brother/sister - should know to appreciate what life has given him, and, should know how to leverage that for those around him, not just himself."

If it's okay with you, worriedboy, I'm going to use it when I next write to my older son.

 

[UnXmas]

Thats quite a strong thing for your son to suggest about cutting out your eldest children from your lives..

I agree - your older children may well be in the wrong here and could do with radically changing how they treat their siblings, but disowning them sounds way too extreme.

 

[worriedboy]

Amy2,

Of course you may (under the condition that you correct my terrible English lol).

If I may, 2 more things...for one, if you are writing or talking to your big ones, I believe in one sincere, eye to eye, heart to heart message. Once you let them, gently but clearly, to know what you think of that - you have done your part. They are big boys/girls, they should take that from there; be it whatever they decide.

Second thing, do not in any way blame yourself; I can see why you tend doing this from where you are at right now, but do try to avoid it. They are grown ups, and thus responsible for their actions and attitude.


I really hope that you can work this out. However, even if this will not turn to be as in ideal dream, I am sure you will be able to manage this once the hard feelings subside. By your stories I realize that you are a strong, smart person who has taught herself how to get along in life. Its in you, you will just have to keep on doing that no matter what.


Yours,

Worriedboy

 

[Johnnysmom]

Amy,

My heart just breaks for how your family is suffering right now. This is obviously a very complicated issue that has developed over many years with a lot of unresolved pain.

As hard as it is I would try to show your older two children that they are loved unconditionally. Let your youngest know that although his siblings are being selfish right now that they will always be a part of the family. Just like he will be no matter how sick he gets, or angry, or whatever, he will always be loved. That doesn't not mean that hurtful behavior is not addressed, it has to be. They should not be allowed to hurt their brother. I would however, give my older two space. There are enough hard feelings on your part that have built up, that I think it is impossible to handle this in a way that will be productive until you can distance yourself a bit. I think your feelings of anger at their success are totally normal but not healthy. It contains a resentment that is palatable. I can feel it, and I guarantee that they can feel it. My guess is you are seeing their reaction to that an not to their sick brother. You cannot teach compassion and sometimes the more you insist on it the more someone is turned off from helping. Living a life full of only money and travel eventually becomes empty. And I would bet that at some point in their lives they will have something devastating happen. If you disown them you might not have the chance later to have some healing take place. The sibling relationship is the longest of a lifetime. It can be very profound and they may one day be very close.

If your youngest chooses not to speak to his older siblings, then that is his choice and I would explain to the older ones that he is hurt and struggling right now and to give him space. The only way they will ever build a good relationship is to choose it. If the younger feels he is entitled to something and the older two feel obligated to something they will both be focused on how they were cheated, or it wasn't fair, and so on.


I am saying this not because I think you are the one that needs to change. I just know that you cannot change others, but you can only try and create at atmosphere where healing is eventually possible.

I think you are a great mom. You have sacrificed a lot for your kids and obviously love them all very much. I pray your family sees some healing and become a blessing to each other.

 

[Amy2]

I'm not at all angry at their success. Their father and I worked hard to make it happen.
I'm angry that they can't see and appreciate that fact! And I'm even angrier that they use it to hurt people, especially their younger siblings. Our 19 year old, so far, is not a good student and it absolutely kills me. I want all of my kids to be successful, I just don't want them to think that makes them superior to others.

I value all work and all workers. I think everyone deserves to be paid a living wage and
everyone deserves to be respected, not belittled because they weren't lucky enough to go to college. That's how I tried to raise them, but I failed. They do think that they are better than people without college degrees.

I was worried that my son might be in danger when he first left to work in Africa, but he told me with a smile, "They don't let anything happen to the engineers." I could tell he had almost zero compassion for the people who do the grunt work. He even said he thought their hazzard pay was too high! Sometimes those people are killed!!!

That's what I'm angry about.

 

[Amy2]

I agree - your older children may well be in the wrong here and could do with radically changing how they treat their siblings, but disowning them sounds way too extreme.

I believe it's premature at this point and I would get lots of counceling before taking such an action.

 

[Ihurt]

Geez, I am sorry about all this. It is terrible but unfortunately healthy society does not like to accept nor do they understand when it comes to people with chronic illness. And as sad as it is to say, sometimes that includes our own family members. For instance, I have been sick with many health issues for the last 10 years now. If you asked my brother what I was sick with, he would not be able to tell you!! He would just say, Oh she's sick or it is in her head! I am serious. I am fortunate to have a husband and a dad who are both pretty good about my illnesses. They know I am sick( they see what I go through every day) and they support me the best they can with this. It is not easy. Your son sounds like he is young ( in his 20's) so I am sure he is just all wrapped up in his own life and is not worried about his younger brother. I know that is tough to swallow, but some people are that way.

As far as your sons lack on compassion when it comes to others( the statement you made about him caring less about the people who do the grunt work in Africa), well unfortunately you cannot change the way he thinks or feels. He is his own individual. One day maybe he will find himself in his own predicament and may change the way he feels or treats others who are less fortunate. Until then know that you did NOTHING wrong and that sometimes we as parents have no control over how our kids chose to live their lives. All you can do is support your son who is sick and be by his side when he needs you and let him know you are always there for him. This is coming from a mother who has a 21 year old son who also is very self-centered. People are who they are and they are not going to change unless they want to change.

 

[Crohn's gal since 1989]

I value all work and all workers. I think everyone deserves to be paid a living wage and
everyone deserves to be respected, not belittled because they weren't lucky enough to go to college. That's how I tried to raise them, but I failed. They do think that they are better than people

This is partly their school's fault and their age. I am a university graduate with a degree in early childhood education. Our school brainwashed us to believe we were "too good" to work in child care. I have worked in a child care setting for the past 20 years and have found it very rewarding. I have also knocked a few students off of their pedestals when they were doing work placements with us and thought they were better then my colleagues that only had 2 year college diplomas in this field. It took me many years to realize the value of experience.