I really need a listening ear. . .

[AndiGirl]

I apologize for having been absent for so long. I'm not feeling well and really need somebody to listen to me. Scott is still worried about his job, so he's really not available to listen to my health complaints. Randy and I aren't mad at each other, but we fell apart. He's still angry at Scott and wanting to vent his feelings about Scott to me. He doesn't get it!

I know there is nothing I can do, but learn to live with this, but I'm worn out. Crohn's has been ruining the fun, social, and family part of my life. I hate having to tailor everything in my life to this ugly, nasty disease. Scott and I celebrated our 7th Anniversary on October 30th. He took an extra day off to make things special for me. My stomach felt yucky for most of the day. I enjoyed our nice supper, we went out for a steak dinner. I spent most of the night cramping, feeling queasy, and battling acid reflux on top of things. On Halloween, I was planning on spending the evening with my kids, trick-or-treating, and then relaxing. The dang Crohn's started up again. I took the kids T or Ting, but I felt sick throughout most of it.

I'm so tired of feeling sick after eating, the cramping, nausea, and everything associated with CD. Nobody wants to be sick with anything, but I really wish this were all a bad dream. I don't want it anymore (not that I ever did)! I've recently dropped about 15 pounds. Once again, people at work are saying, "You look great! Tell me your secret." Eating is once again a drag! Thank you for listening. I'm sorry to be such a bummer.

 

[Crohn's 35]

HI Andi :bigwave: I know all about. I hate making plans because most of the time the fall through and the others miss out. There is nothing we can do, not like we "plan" to get out of things. I see you are only one Pentasa and Entocort? They are the mildest of the drugs. Sounds like to me you need to up the game on a different or added drug. NO one likes it but since you have lost 15 lbs, it isnt good to lose too much because you know where you will be..starts with an H. You shouldn't be suffering long periods of time.

My husband, mother and daughter all want to go on a trip for xmas, but I am too scared to go , in fear of pain. It never fails. So I will try to do the best I can too. Christmas time is no more Turkey, my daughter doesn't like it and my husband couldnt care a less because he does all the work...but my mom... she lives for food and the only one in my immediate family who doesn't have IBD. She is 76 and we know time is limited, so I try and do things by taking a pain pill (if I need to) and just do it.

Hang in there and YOU can vent any time you want to. What kind of job does your hubby do?? Maybe someone can help? Hugs!!!

 

[happy]

Oh AndiGirl,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling awful. From reading some of your past posts, I know that you have a lot on your plate--wife, mother, teacher, family member who is trying to heal her relationships, plus dealing with a chronic illness that sometimes saps your energy.

Try to give yourself a tiny break--anyway that you can. I remember how much I beat myself up with guilt when when my children were young and I was working full-time and I felt that I needed some 'me' time. Now that they are grown up I realize how difficult that time was and how having a well-rested mummy is the best gift that a mom can give her kids.
Perhaps a visit to the doc is needed for a check-up? It doesn't sound like your symptoms are controlled very well. :hug:

 

[AndiGirl]

I will probably need to go on Humira or Remicade. Scott and I were going to try for another baby, but things started getting complicated with his job. Scott is in law enforcement. He works for the Department of Homeland Security. He is in a supervisory position. Because he works for U.S. Federal law enforcement, he is required to do periodic intensive background checks. They are very similar to the ones that FBI officers are put through. Scott can pass these backgrounds checks and interviews without a problem. We have debt that is about a couple grand over what the Department of Homeland Security would like to see. Believe me, our debt is nothing compared to most Americans. Scott and I don't even own credit cards. There was a big wig in the Dept. of Homeland Security that sold secret security information for money. After that fiasco, DHS is paranoid that all its employees that have debt will sell information. Scott and I paid off some more of the debt, but we still haven't heard back from DHS. He's still employed and working, so I'm hopeful.

Thanks for the kind words Penn and Happy.

 

[Crohn's 35]

Well not having credit cards is a plus!!! I didnt get one til I met my now husband and I am not young. Credit cards are for those who have money and pay it ontime. I couldnt afford 22% interest and I pay ours way before the time.

Seems like everyone is very tight and jobs are very scarce. I am lucky my husband has a very secure job and I stay home and hold the fort up. Hang in there, you have had a hell of a year...stress will be the culprit! You ever need us were are here for you always!

The biologics are a great choice, keep us posted...we miss you!

 

[happy]

Yikes! More stress that you don't need. Talk about the long arm of the law.

I guess that your husband's employer is going to find it hard to keep any employees given the state of the American economy and the debt that most people have.

It sounds like you have done all that you can do. Try to focus on what you do have control over--taking good care of yourself.

 

[AndiGirl]

Very true, Happy! There are millions of Americans in serious debt. Ours is minimal, but Scott is under government scrutiny. I guess they are generalizing or trying to hint that most of the DHS employees can be bought or bribed. How sad for the honest people!

 

[Jessi]

Hey Andi! So sorry that things are getting worse in your belly. The added stress with Scott and randy sure don't help you at all! Are you still able to teach? If you do go to biologics, maybe Humira would be better, unless you'd be allowed to leave your class with a sub every couple months for a Friday Remicade infusion. Remicade put me into total remission, but it sure wipes me out for the weekend. Choose carefully, sweetie!

We all miss you and you sweet loving words. Get better real quick. :hug:

 

[DustyKat]

Oh Andi, I'm so sorry to hear that things are still going poorly for you and Scott is still awaiting news about his job...:hug:...it's no wonder you are at the end of your tether.

When will you know for sure about the biologics and how do you feel about it?

I trust your babies are still doing okay?

:hang: hun. We love you, miss you and are thinking of you!

Dusty. :heart:

 

[LOSTnut]

Andi, with all that stress going on I can see that your Crohn's is acting up and causing you additional misery.
Are you on anti-depressants? If not, please think about it at this point. They do help with the day to day situations.

I am now convinced that my previous job, well the boss there, caused my Crohn's which was decently under control, to spin out of me managing it and having to go under the knife.

Hope the babes are ok with their health.

Lotsa love and hugs!

 

[Tesscorm]

Poor you! Things can just become overwhelming, can't they?!!! :hug: Dealing with crohn's is enough, so unfair that you also have to deal with relationships, debt, etc.!!! Try to find some time to do something for you, something you find relaxing... I know, easier said than done, but the stress will only make things worse.

I take a 'leisurely' bath almost every evening. I bought myself a cheap CD player, filled a basket with a few spa discs, bubble baths and magazines/books and a few scented candles around my bath. Everything is handy and ready-to-go, that is my 'recovery' time. When I'm really stressed, I've even taken a glass of wine in there with me and had a little cry. Things never seem so bad when you can play with the bubbles in between sobs! I close my eyes and imagine I'm at some luxurious European spa!! LOL (Yes, I do think I'm on the verge of losing it sometimes! :rof: LOL) But, it really, really helps me! Virtually no cost, no drive time and can be done after the kids are in bed, etc.

I know... people always say 'but, I just don't have time'... I have taken my 'bath' as late as midnight (okay, it's a quicker one...) and then hop straight into bed. This has been my stress reliever since I was a teen, throughout two newborns to teens. To me, its worth giving up 20-30 minutes of sleep time to have this bath!

I hope things improve for you quickly, on all fronts!!!:ghug:

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Hi Andi, I'm sorry to hear that things are still pretty stressful for you. That's never easy especially when you're already ill. I hope things get better soon and that you can feel better.

I can't add to the advice already given but I'm here listening and a shoulder for you to cry on. Hang in there, thinking of you and sending happy thoughts and hugs your way!

 

[AndiGirl]

I have an upcoming appointment, so I will bring up the biologics. That was an option before I got pregnant with Beth. I'll see if the doc. is still willing to put me on them. My body needs a break!

I am still teaching. Because we are not sure what the future holds for our family, my health included, I've been going to work and have only missed a day so far. That's not bad for it being November. I have been on antidepressants for a while now. Before I was diagnosed with CD, I was placed on Zoloft for terrible anxiety and panic attacks. It really does help. My panic attacks are basically a thing of the past.

I think I've summed up my blues to: Scott's job uncertainty; Alaska's long dark winter that's just beginning; the ever changing needs and adjustments due to CD; and my family. My mother has been very kind and supportive, but I'm still at odds with my dad. I know I've mentioned my frustration with him before. I need to vent again! He's just so cold and aloof! He probably doesn't mean to, but he has a way of making me feel uncomfortable when I visit. I think a lot of it is his dry sense of humor and some of his more overtly chauvanistic comments and attitude. I know he is of another generation, and by nature he is not a warm and fuzzy person. I guess I'm just not sure how to deal with his type. He has a hearing loss in one ear, but when I'm talking to my mom about things that are bothering or concerning me, he seems to hear everything. He seems to place all the blame on me. If he hears me mentioning my CD, he'll say things like, "What did you eat? I know you are eating things that you shouldn't. Are you taking your medicines? You're dwelling too much on the pain. You're doing something wrong if you are in pain." If it's related to my family, he'll say things like, "You were never good with money. You just need to tighten the belt. I'm sure you are stressing Scott out. You have no control over the situation, so why worry about it? You're an adult, you need to start acting a little stronger."

I realize that I probably have a kooky family. My father is basically a good man, but he sucks when it comes to being sensitive and empathetic. He has helped our family in out in some significant ways, and he adores his grand kids. I feel that every time I visit my parents, my already fragile ego and self-esteem can take a beating. Family relationships are important to me, so I am having a hard time with this. He is definitely a nicer grandpa than he was a father. Any ideas?

I do plan on taking long baths in the evening when the kids are in bed. I did buy some books also. I really need to just relax. I appreciate all the kind words and advice. Hugs to you my friends.

 

[MADiMarc]

Oh, Andi. Nothing spins us up faster, higher and quicker than our families, huh? I am very sorry you are in this situation my friend. The blah, long days of winter lying ahead just add! I have never wished for material possessions or to be rich for myself, but if I win the lottery this week, I'll send you a check! How very short sighted of HLS to put yet more pressure on a man charged with keeping us safe.
BTW: I LOVED Remicade! Worked wonders for me for about 3 years. H didn't work for me but it has worked wonderfully for some others.
I wish I could just wrap you in a big hug to try to help you relieve some of your stress. Idea here: I know you don't have bunches of time but David has started a yoga thread. I was into yoga years ago and loved it. I have been doing it now for only two days. It has helped relieve some of the stress I have been under (MIL now quad, kids moved back in with their two kids, blah, blah, blah).
My short support note turned into a novel. Sorry about that!
Major hugs!
Michele

 

[LOSTnut]

Argghh, Homeland Security ... one of the worst conversions EVER from the INS. Not sure what their reasoning is but it seems ridiculous to base employment on debt when both spouses work and have income. Do you own your house, ie not renting it? Since I am an "alien" I had once a run in with one of those coming back from vacation in Mexico. The little idiot jumped on me because I live in US and my passport was issued in Germany and berated me that it is a privilege to live here that can be taken away and my passport should be issued in a US consulate. He just didn't want to listen to the fact that I still have living family members in Germany and visit and get my passport there. To me that is the same idiotic reasoning that is behind the threat of Scott losing his job. WTF!!!

Your description of your dad's reaction made me chuckle because I could see my dad in it. He is the same way -- different generation, hard time to show love to the kids but seemingly having no problem with the grandkids. And, with the Crohn's he is the same way. If I tell him about problems he immediately hones in on what I could have done wrong. But, also with him, that was always the case in any situation, for example if a neighbor had problems with me he first accused me by saying the neighbor could be right ..... In the end, I came to believe that it is his (poor) way of showing that he cares because I don't doubt for a minute that he loves me. And, we definitely have that father-daughter connection despite everything. I know he is worried about my health and me being single (naturally, also my fault!) and just cannot really express himself. LOL, I remember at one point I told him I love him and he got all worried that I might have done something wrong.

Ughh, I guess not much of help but probably some explanation as to his constant negative reaction to you and your problems.

Overall, would you consider to move out of Alaska? I am pretty sure (for example) that Scott could find a job with border security in one of the states bordering with Mexico and teachers are always sought after. That would also provide a little distance to your dad ..... just a thought

And, my offer still stands.... if you want to visit to check it out here in AZ you are welcome to do so. :hug:

 

[AndiGirl]

Hugs to all of you! I had a challenging day today. It was nice to spend it with the kids. Our house is childproofed, but Alex still managed to get a hold of a small Tylenol bottle. He opened it and drank most of it. When I called the poison control they I gave them all the information and they told me Alex would be fine. That little boy is going to put me in an early grave: jumping from the second story of our; sticking things up his nose; eating air freshner; escaping from the house; climbing in the fireplace; and running away from our sitter in the hospital parking lot. We take good care of Alex and Beth, but Alex is sometimes too quick, sneaky, and smart. I have a regular Dennis the Menace! I honestly don't know how my paternal grandmother did it with 12 sons, and 1 daughter! One boy really keeps me hopping! I've stopped asking for advice and sharing things with my parents. My mother thinks that I should buckle Alex into a chair when I need to do things. My dad thinks that I'm not firm enough with him. He's also believes that there's very little that a, "good old-fashioned spanking," won't take care of. Alex has already figured out how to get out of his secure booster seat, so mom's idea is kind of a moot point. Scott and I have set boundaries for Alex and Beth, but we don't want to be constantly disciplining him either. We not against the occasional spanking every now and then. My father was far from being abusive, but he was old-fashioned, and my brother, sisters, and I got our share of spankings while we were growing up. I don't want to use corporal punishment as often as my father did.

Michele, I have often fantasized about winning the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes. LOL! Scott has his own fantasy of winning or coming into a large sum of money. He claims that he if he did, he would buy up some of the prime mountain top property (or estates) here in Anchorage. He would buy up the majority so other pesty people couldn't neighbor us. If he liked the people, he'd sell some pieces of property. I like the idea. Some of the hilltop, mountain side estates are my idea of Heaven; a grand view of the city, the ocean, inlet, you are close to nature and all its beauty and glory. Heike, there is a part of me that would love to move out of Alaska. I am sick of my family, the extended ones as well. We are from Alaska. My father has some family in California and I believe Texas. My mother's family is here in Alaska and in Norway. Maybe I should leave the country. LOL!

I guess I just need a break. I would love a vacation. I don't foresee that any time soon though. Maybe a group of us Crohnies could save up for a cruise. I know Scott wouldn't mind a medical related retreat for me. LOL! Some place nice, tropical, warm, and exotic. Okay, back to reality here!

 

[AndiGirl]

Here's a new weird symptom. I've started cramping about five minutes after eating. It used to take about an hour. What's happening? Anybody experience this?

 

[Jessi]

That sometimes happens to me, too. I always thought it took longer than that for food to travel through. Hmmmm....

 

[MADiMarc]

That always happens to me. 5 to 10 mins after I eat, the fun begins. I really hate to eat!

Ha! I have often joked about buying 100 acres in the middle of no where, putting fencing around with a no man's land and daring anyone to breach the parimeter! My idea of Heaven I suppose.

Keep your head up AndiGirl!

 

[mizgarnet]

*hugs*

 

[xingfingers]

Could it be that your symptoms are escalating? Sorry to ask such a scary question when you are already going through so much. Can you get into your GI and ask for some blood tests? I know they can run a test to test your inflammation markers - that might flag something for the doctors and "encourage" them to up your meds. Good luck!

 

[Carrie630]

I sometimes cramp right after a meal, especially if I'm already feeling crappy and under stress. *hugs* it usually means that I should stay near the bathroom.

 

[DougUte]

Hi Andi,

Sorry I have not been around so much. I am so sorry that you have been going through so much stress.

I would think you should talk to your G.I. about increasing your meds or going to a biologic. Humira has done very well for me. I have not had any abdominal pain since I started the med, and only minor issues with Diarrhea and cramping. BM's have become almost normal again. Jessi has told me that Remicade has worked so well for her UC. I am a real fan of the biologics. I know the side effects are scary, but I think the reward is well worth the risk.

About the family stuff, Just know we are there for you and are glad to be a listening ear. We love ya Andi.

 

[LOSTnut]

Andi, how are you? It's been nearly a month and I hope you are doing much better and looking forward to a relaxing long weekend. Happy Thanksgiving you and the fam!!!

:hug:

 

[Mountaingem]

:ghug: Hey Andi, sorry I missed this thread-sending hugs and support your way!