Joke

Miss Taylor the English teacher writes an incorrect sentence on the board: “I didn’t had no fun for months.” Then she faces the class and says, “OK class, how should this be corrected?”

Little Johnny says, “I think you should get yourself a better man!”
 
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box,saying nothing.
A minute or two passes.Not a word is spoken.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract the mans attention,but still he says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall--once,twice,three times in a final attempt to get this man to speak.
At long last,the drunk replies, "It's no good knockin' mate,there's no paper in this one either."
 
A rebel punk and a pastor both wind up on a coast-to-coast flight
together in the same aisle. The pastor is just getting into a good book when
the punk interrupts.

"Hey I hear the time goes faster on these flights if you carry on a
conversation. Feeling like chatting?"

The pastor looks up from his book and says "OK, what would you like to talk about?"

The punk says "Let's talk about your scripture and I'll prove that God doesn't exist"

The pastor agrees but asks "OK, but first answer me this.

"A deer, a cow, and a horse all eat the same thing. The deer excretes
pebbles, the cow excretes patties, and the horse excretes straw. Why is
that?"

The dumbfounded punk replies "I don't know why"

The pastor returns to his book, replying "Well, how do you expect to discuss
scripture when you don't know shit?"
 
Two women chatting to one another and one of them says "Isn't that Mr. Carruthers across the road ? "
"Yes" replied her friend "Doesn't he dress nicely ?"
The other replied "Yes, and very quickly too."
 
Two old women are standing in the rain waiting for their bus. One of them notices the other is smoking a cigarette, but with an unknown object to shield it from the rain.

"What are you using to keep your cigarette dry from the rain?"
"It's a condom"
"Where do you get them?"
"Any pharmacy has them in stock"

She thinks this is a great idea so the woman stops in the pharmacy and walks up to the man at the counter.

"I'd like a package of condoms"
"What size do you need?"
"Hmmm... do you have any that will fit a camel?"

:eek:
 
Some oldies I "borrowed from reddit"

A classroom full of freshman medical students is anxiously awaiting their first human anatomy lesson..
when the door opens and the professor rolls in a naked dead body of an old man lying face down. He places it in the center of lecture hall and in a stiff voice says
"Before learning human anatomy there are only two important things you need to remember"
"First is you should be fearless", saying this he sticks his finger in the dead-body's butthole and puts it in his mouth.
Seeing this the students are stunned and disgusted, the professor says in a commanding voice
"Everyone line up and do what i just did", hesitatingly every student repeat what their professor did.
After the initial commotion settles down and everyone's had their turn, the professor says





"The second thing you need to remember is having a keen sense of observation, just like how I stuck my index finger in and put my ringfinger in my mouth"



When the Pope was visiting Philadelphia, PA this past year there was an incident that did not get any coverage in the news. The Pope after leaving the church went to his limosuine and was feeling a bit impulsive and decided he wanted to drive. So he asked the limo driver if he could drive, the driver decided he had to give the Pope want he want so he got out of the driver seat and into the back and the Pope got into the driver seat and took off. He was driving around 1am and approached a redlight and to him it's just a warning, he just looks both ways before rolling through. A cop sees him and pulls him over. The officer walks up to the driver side of the limo the Pope rolls down his window and the officer recognizes him and realizes he has a problem. He goes back to his car, gets on his radio and contacts he Sergeant.
He says, "Sarge, I got a problem."
"Whats the problem son?"
The office replies, "I pulled over a VIP and I don't know if I should write him up."
"Well, what did he do?"
"He ran a stop sign."
"Well write him up."
"But Sarge he's pretty big."
"Well write him up anyway we really need to set an example
"Sir I don't think I can write this guy up."
"Son, why not who is it?"
"Sir, I don't know but I cant write him up"
"Son, this doesn't make any sense to me, how big? Who is it?"
"Sir, I don't know but the Pope is his limo driver"
 
Just some more silly ones ,

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After three hours of amazing sex, Paddy says.
"I wonder how the girls are getting on."



A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist.

"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be a politician".

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ****ing fault!


and one last one


How many cows.

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie,
leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you
have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals
and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular
RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

“That is correct, you may take one of my calves” says Sam
.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car

Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam
.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.

You used thousands of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
Oh, by the way, This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FRIENDS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU
 
Supposed to be an old joke. What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity. Answer. Nothing. He was too shocked.
 
I'll tell you who I hate.Queue jumpers.The English are so polite,they tolerate it.
I've stood in queues and a fella's nipped in.I go: "Eh?Eh! Oi'! Hey you! YOU!
The fella goes "What?" I'll say "There's a queue.We're all queueing!"
And he goes! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry,I didn't notice it"
And I'll go:"You didn't notice it? Eight people standing behind each other ?
What did you think it was--- a gang bang ?"
 
In the days when tall wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, “Enemy ship on the horizon.” The captain said to his ensign, “Get me my red shirt.” The ensign, rather bewildered by this odd request, did as his captain ordered.
Though the battle was a long one, the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship. Later that day, the lookout shouted, “Two enemy ships on the horizon.”
As before, the captain said to his ensign, “Get me my red shirt.” And, as before, the ensign did as his captain asked. The battle took the rest of the day to fight, and again they managed to defeat the two enemy ships. That evening, the ensign asked his captain, “Sir, why, before every battle, do you ask for your red shirt?” The captain replied, “Well, if I am wounded in battle, the blood will not show and the crew will continue to fight.”
The crew was listening, and they were impressed. They had a brave captain. The next morning, the lookout shouted, “Ten enemy ships on the horizon.” The ensign looked at his captain, waiting for the usual orders. The captain said to his ensign, “Ensign, get me my brown pants.”
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly,












"No, I'm your son's teacher."
 
All done. I can only say ouch!!!!! N i feel like 💩. .no joke !!
Di i sure hope yours is less bad than mine. Best of luck hun 💕💕
 
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today,


"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
 
Hope they make someone smile a little .




Donald Trump and Barack O'Bama find themselves in the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."



Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.


As soon as they enter the bakery, Donald steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to Hillary, "See how clever I am?

The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election”.

Then Hillary says to Donald,

"That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.

I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Hillary goes to the owner of the bakery and says,

"Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives her a pastry.

Hillary swallows it and asks for another one.

The owner gives her another one.

Then Hillary asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks,

"What did you do with the pastries?"







Hillary replies "Look in Donald's pocket"






My wife said, "Can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of women's underwear in your coat pocket?"








I said, "Yes. It's because you were being a nosey bitch!"




A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'
 
an old one but it made me laugh , sorry in advance ,

A passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question...
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 3 centimetres from a department store shop window.
For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, "Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Tony H said:
an old one but it made me laugh , sorry in advance ,

A passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question...
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 3 centimetres from a department store shop window.
For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, "Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."
Click to expand...
I enjoyed it.
 
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
 
I have a weird sense of humour, and most jokes don't seem all that funny to me (I don't know whether is it because I'm not getting the jokes, or because I just don't have much of a sense of humour). I know math jokes aren't really funny to most, but here's some that gave me a good laugh:

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

The B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stand for Benoît B. Mandelbrot.

Biologists think they are biochemists,
Biochemists think they are Physical Chemists,
Physical Chemists think they are Physicists,
Physicists think they are Gods,
And God thinks he is a Mathematician.

A mathematician belives nothing until it is proven.
A physicist believes everything until it is proven wrong.
A chemist doesn't care.
A biologist doesn't understand the question.

"This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left."

All positive integers are interesting.
Proof:
Assume the contrary. Therefore, there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction.

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

"Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall" is the longest song in the world.

Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Mðbius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.

Math tells us three of the saddnest love stories in the world: 1) Tangent lines who had only one chance to meet and then parted forever. 2) Parallel lines who were never meant to meet. 3) Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

Hope you all enjoyed it! =D
 
more stolen from reddit

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."






The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes,
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobs. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"






It's never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69.

That's how they found me underneath their bed






An old man dies and reaches the gates of heaven. He is quite confused and doesn't remember things too well.
St Peter asks him the routine questions, but doesn't get anywhere. So he tells him "Never mind, I'll take you to the boss" and brings him to Jesus.
Jesus starts asking questions. "Hello old man. Do you remember your name?" The old man replies "No... not really... something that starts with J... I remember that people didn't call me by my real name..."
"Mmmm... what did you do for a living? You must remember that, you did it every day!"
"Oh sure, I remember well, I was a carpenter. And a good one! I remember when my son..."
"Wait, you had a son? What do you remember about your family? About your wife?"
"Well it's all a bit confused... there was a woman, she loved the boy and looked after him... but she wasn't quite the mother... or was it me who wasn't really the father? Sorry, I don't remember..."
"And this son, what do remember about him?"
"Well, he was very independent, always getting into trouble. They even wrote books about him. He was quite striking, with the nails through his hands and ..."
At this point Jesus can't contain himself any longer, he stands up and shouts "DAD!"
At which the old man starts running towards him, shouting "Pinocchio!"


25 years married, and not a single argument

Recently in Bangalore a couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary...
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their 25 years of married life. Media gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their happy going marriage.
NDTV corespondent was very curious to know the secret and asked the husband:
"Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "
Husband: "We are a happy couple since marriage, thanks to our honeymoon trip to Shimla."
NDTV: "Sir, tell us about it so that all couples can also be happy like you."
Finally husband agreed to reveal the secret of the happy marriage.
"For our honeymoon" recalling his old honeymoon days husband said, "We had been to Shimla (a hill station). The day after we both went for a horse ride. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way that horse jumped up suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".
She again got on the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again was calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.
When the horse dropped her a third time, she just took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"
That's it. We are happy ever after...
 
In this world you have two things to worry about: Whether you are rich or whether you are poor.
If you are rich you have nothing to worry about.
If you are poor you have two things to worry about:
Whether you are healthy or whether you are sick.
If you are healthy you have nothing to worry about.
If you are sick you have two things to worry about:
Whether you will live or whether you will die.
If you live you have nothing to worry about:
If you die you have two things to worry about.
Whether you go up or whether you go down.
If you go up you will have nothing to worry about.
If you go down,you will be so damn busy shaking hands with old friends,
You won't have time to worry.
 
Three Wishes

A Woman was golfing and accidently she hits the ball into the woods. She then goes into the woods to look for it and there she sees a frog in a trap.*
The frog says to her: If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.
The woman frees the frog, and the frog says: Thank you, but I have failed to mention that there is a condition attached to your wishes, and that is: whatever you wish, your husband will get ten times of that wish.
The woman says: That is okay with me.
For her first wish, she wants to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warns her: you do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, to whom women will just flock to!
The woman replies, That is fine, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.
So in a movement, she becomes the most beautiful Woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wants to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog says: That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you.
The woman replies: That is okay, because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.
So, in a split second she becomes the richest woman in the world.
The frog then asks her, what is her third wish?
She says: I would like to have a mild heart attack.
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.






Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!










Male readers: Please scroll down.






The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!!
*Moral of the story : Women are great but sometimes falsely believe that they are very smart.




Fishing Trip

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!”
The wife noticed that there’s something fishy in her husband’s story but since she was a good wife she listened to her husband and did exactly as he told her. After a week the husband returned home, looking a bit tired but happy to have done a good job. The wife immediately started asking about the weekend, how it was, if he’d caught any fish and so on.
The husband said: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?”
To which the wife responded: “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”.




After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.


He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"




Why does Donald Trump always seem upset?






Because it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.


I'll get my coat and leave now :eek:
 
There's a fella staggering home with a bottle of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.Struggling to his feet ,he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord" he implored "Let it be blood!"
 
fuzzy butterfly said:
[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

Brilliant loved them all. Thanks for cheering up yet another sleepless night Tony...[emoji38]

Hope your doing well ☺[emoji177]
Click to expand...



Carol I'm doing really well , so well that I have to start watching my weight , no more pizza for a while [emoji56], hope you get a good sleep tonight .
 
😂 Tony its Mandy not Carol but iv been called worse haha...
Glad your doing so well. Ye im trying for the sleep of sleeps tonight 😴😴😴☺
Take care 💕
 
fuzzy butterfly said:
😂 Tony its Mandy not Carol but iv been called worse haha...
Glad your doing so well. Ye im trying for the sleep of sleeps tonight 😴😴😴☺
Take care 💕
Click to expand...

I'd blame the drugs but I'm only taking pred , so its just another senior moment :redface::redface: sorry Mandy .
 
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”


The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
 
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked,



"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
 
scottsma said:
Hahaha !!!! but I really think you need to get out more Tony.
Click to expand...

I get most of the jokes on Reddit , and I can only view it when my wife is out as I have a tendency to laugh out loud (or lol to the younger members) and it drives her mad ,
But you are right I do need to get out more but the weather is really bad here and the wife is out so :hallo3::hallo3::sign0085:
 
The story of John, the betting sailor.


John was a young military salior with an unusual ability. He could make very off-the-wall predictions, and he had a knack for making money off them.
One day, a shipmate finds him making a small X on the deck with tape, and asks what he's doing. John stands up. "I'll bet you fifty bucks, in exactly an hour a seagull will fly over, and shit exactly on this spot." The other man laughs, says "You're on!", and they shake on it.
They both come back to the deck close to an hour later. After a few minutes, sure enough, they hear the calls of a gull, followed by a faint splat. The salior looks down in disbelief at the pile of bird shit on the center of the tape. He pays up.
A couple of days pass. It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. Back on the deck, another salior finds John walking around in his rain coat, and asks why he's wearing such odd attire on such a pretty day. "I'll bet you 100 dollars that you're gonna regret not wearing yours too in just a minute." The second man looks at him, and takes the bet. He begins to walk away, but before he can take a dozen steps, a single dark cloud forms in the sky and begins to soak the entire ship.
These strange bets continue, and before long, news reaches the captain of the ship. He wants this madman off his boat. He calls some friends in high places, and gets John transfered to another vessel. A few days later, he receives a phone call from the commander of the destroyer John was placed on.
"You know," says the commander, "I don't see why you wanted him gone so bad. I've already won five thousand from him. He's not as good as you said."
"What? How'd you pull that off?"
The commander laughs. "The idiot bet me that I had hemorrhoids! I've never had them in my life, easy money! It was a little awkward proving it, but worth it."
"How'd you prove it?"
"Simple. I pulled down my pants, and showed him my asshole. He still didn't believe me, so he grabbed a broom and poked at me, and finally was convinced. Easiest five grand I've ever made."
There was a silence, and the captain finally said, "Throw that son of a bitch overboard right now."
"What? Why?" asked the commander.



"Because on his last day before the transfer, he bet me twenty thousand that he'd willingly have a broomstick up your ass by the end of the first week."


A little old lady goes into an adult bookstore.


A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..." The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothing to be embarrassed about." Trembling, she asks, "All right, do- do- do you have (whispers) women's...pleasure...aides here? "Like, vibrators and dildos? Yes, ma'am, we have a large selection of both." "An- an- and do- do you know much about them?" The clerks looks are her shaking form and says, "Yes, ma'am, I do. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have." To which she replies,






"Great! Do- do- do- do you know how to shut 'em off?!"
 
There were three Australians and Three New Zealander's.
They were going to the rugby.
The NZ's bought three ticket's for the train and the Australians bought one ticket.
Once in the train the New Zealander's asked why the Australians bought only one ticket.
"This is why..." The Australians said.
The Australians all got into the toilet's and waited for the conducter. The conducter collected the ticket's and walked over to the toilet.
He knocked on the door and the Australians gave the conducter the ticket (Thinking there's only one guy in there). The three Aussies then left the toilet then walked over to the seat and sat down.

When they were heading back the NZ's only bought one ticket yet the Aussies didn't buy any. The NZ's jumped into the toilet. Then one of the Australians walked up to the door and said. "Ticket's please..."
 
My two favourite jokes are rather short and silly, a bit like me really
:o.gif
)

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick

Two atoms walking down the road.
One says: "I think I just lost an electron"
The other says: "Are you sure?"
The first atom replies: "Yes, I'm positive."
 
Tony H said:
The story of John, the betting sailor.


John was a young military salior with an unusual ability. He could make very off-the-wall predictions, and he had a knack for making money off them.
One day, a shipmate finds him making a small X on the deck with tape, and asks what he's doing. John stands up. "I'll bet you fifty bucks, in exactly an hour a seagull will fly over, and shit exactly on this spot." The other man laughs, says "You're on!", and they shake on it.
They both come back to the deck close to an hour later. After a few minutes, sure enough, they hear the calls of a gull, followed by a faint splat. The salior looks down in disbelief at the pile of bird shit on the center of the tape. He pays up.
A couple of days pass. It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. Back on the deck, another salior finds John walking around in his rain coat, and asks why he's wearing such odd attire on such a pretty day. "I'll bet you 100 dollars that you're gonna regret not wearing yours too in just a minute." The second man looks at him, and takes the bet. He begins to walk away, but before he can take a dozen steps, a single dark cloud forms in the sky and begins to soak the entire ship.
These strange bets continue, and before long, news reaches the captain of the ship. He wants this madman off his boat. He calls some friends in high places, and gets John transfered to another vessel. A few days later, he receives a phone call from the commander of the destroyer John was placed on.
"You know," says the commander, "I don't see why you wanted him gone so bad. I've already won five thousand from him. He's not as good as you said."
"What? How'd you pull that off?"
The commander laughs. "The idiot bet me that I had hemorrhoids! I've never had them in my life, easy money! It was a little awkward proving it, but worth it."
"How'd you prove it?"
"Simple. I pulled down my pants, and showed him my asshole. He still didn't believe me, so he grabbed a broom and poked at me, and finally was convinced. Easiest five grand I've ever made."
There was a silence, and the captain finally said, "Throw that son of a bitch overboard right now."
"What? Why?" asked the commander.



"Because on his last day before the transfer, he bet me twenty thousand that he'd willingly have a broomstick up your ass by the end of the first week."


A little old lady goes into an adult bookstore.


A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..." The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothing to be embarrassed about." Trembling, she asks, "All right, do- do- do you have (whispers) women's...pleasure...aides here? "Like, vibrators and dildos? Yes, ma'am, we have a large selection of both." "An- an- and do- do you know much about them?" The clerks looks are her shaking form and says, "Yes, ma'am, I do. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have." To which she replies,






"Great! Do- do- do- do you know how to shut 'em off?!"
Click to expand...

I didn't get this last one Tony,but the other one was great,:rosette2:
 
Think the 'vibe' of that joke s 'in the little old lady's embarrassment'. That's if you really didn't get it lol.

Very good Tony and Rhoo. thanks
 
Spooky1 said:
Think the 'vibe' of that joke s 'in the little old lady's embarrassment'. That's if you really didn't get it lol.

Very good Tony and Rhoo. thanks
Click to expand...

I hope you know me better than that D.,:thumleft:


But I'm really surprised at you.:lol2::lol2::lol2:
 
Why are married women heavier than single women?


When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge.


A man comes home from a tough day at work and sits down on the couch. His wife comes up to him and asks how his day was.
"It was the worst day this month. Everything went wrong and the boss blamed me for everything, even things that I had nothing to do with".
His wife said "I'm sorry to hear that, let me try to cheer you up".
The husband replied "I don't think that there is anything you can do to make me smile today".
"I think I can make you smile with my right hand".
"Not a chance" was the husband's reply.
"What about if I use both of my hands"?
"Nope, it was a really bad day".
"How about I use both my hands and my mouth"?
"That's not going to do it either".
Finally the wife says "how about I use both of my hands, my mouth and my tongue"?
The husband says "OK, let's see what you've got".




The wife walks up to her husband who is still sitting on the couch, she gets on her knees and sticks her thumbs in her ears, flaps her fingers, sticks out her tongue and goes thppplllt!
 
A lady goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


In the beginning, God created the dog.


He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by."
The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?"
God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you are to entertain and bring joy to others."
The monkey replied, "20 years is a long time to do that. What if I do it for 10 years and give you back the rest of the time?"
God agreed. He proceeded to create the cow to which He told, "For 40 years, you are to slave and provide others with milk and labor."
The cow protested, "That's a long time to do that. What if I do half and give you back the remainder?"
God agreed. He finally created man and said to him, "For 25 years, you are to eat, sleep, marry, and have fun."
Man asks, "Only 25 years? That's not nearly enough time. Couldn't you give me the remainder of the time that the animals gave back?"
God agreed. That is why now after marriage, we spend 20 years slaving and providing for our family, 10 years entertaining our grandchildren, and 10 more years sitting near the door and barking at whoever walks by.
 
The English sense of humour is subtle,and tinged with sarcasm.
For example,you get the two English gentlemen talking to one another.and one of them says "I passed your house yesterday" so the other one says "Thankyou"
 
Two drunks were trying to find their way home along the railroad tracks.

"Man these stairs are so long"

"Yeah, and the bannisters are real low too."
 
A british lady at a party bumped into an inebriated Winston Churchill at a party and exclaimed "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"

"And you, madam, are ugly!" he retorted. "But in the morning, I shall be sober."
 
Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

If you put pasta and antipasta on the same plate, will they annihilate each other?

Why do they put cargo on a ship, and shipment on a car?

I once played a blank CD at full blast. Drove the mime next door nuts.
 
Husbands and Wives Diaries

Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought Bob was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our "date."

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it.So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I loveyou, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
 
Yeh,that'll be right.....Fisherman looking for wife to share his life.Must be able to catch and fillet fish,be a good cook and a good worker.Please send picture.....of boat.
 
What do you have, sir?


Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

An old one but it still makes me smile

In touch with each other's needs...

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…”You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear; let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”
I then said “Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You’re just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Still haven't had sex since then, though.
 
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of coma...
...for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.




”I think you're bad luck."











Sunday Morning Sex


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
While we're on flatulence humour...

Woe, alack, and alas!
I'm held together by intestinal gas!
Every time that I fart,
Something else comes apart
And look! There's a crack in my a--!
 
This combines a joke with a family story...

Our family was having dinner when my cousin's henpecked wife started belittling him in front of everybody. The air around the table was rather awkward at the moment.

I had just finished a divorce and had grown some steel balls and a quick retort, so I asked her "I have a question for you."

"Sure"

"Do you know how PMS got its name?"

"No I don't"

"It was because Mad Cow Disease was already taken."

:eek:

She shut up after plenty of chuckles around the table. I might add that the expression on my face and my delivery of the punchline conveyed a message that this family does not tolerate that kind of abuse. His sister later thanked me for that.
 
It feels good when we manage to put someone down right on Q.
I hate it when long after the event,the words I'd wish I'd said, come to me to late.
 
A hospital patient made several false alarm trips to the bathroom...

A hospital patient made several false alarm trips to the bathroom and decided the latest episode was another and stayed in bed.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
A policeman walked by and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, staring down at his feet, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
 
A priest says to the man on his deathbed "My son,do you renounce the Devil and all his teachings?"
The dying man replies: "With all due respect Father,This is really not the time to be making enemies !"
 
scottsma said:
A priest says to the man on his deathbed "My son,do you renounce the Devil and all his teachings?"
The dying man replies: "With all due respect Father,This is really not the time to be making enemies !"
Click to expand...

really funny as all the young folks would say "I lol'd"
 
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."

"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest."

"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."
 
Mahatma Gandhi's Sass


When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “arguments” and confrontations.

One day, Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.” Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.

Mr Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. “Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?”

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.”

Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”

Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”
 
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
 
Fishing

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
 
Bad News

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. 'You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
 
Math Class




Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
 
lifesavers


A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"
 
Terrible food for dinner.

A high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my grandpa had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

He got really quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
 
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