Joke
- Thread starter Guest555
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Help Support Crohn's Disease Forum:
scottsma
Well-known member
I did,but I'm not saying which ones or you will use it as ammunition.
Spooky1
Well-known member
No not really, i'm certainly not a sponge. squeeze me and i shall need the loo. and i'm not a kidney either. no one would ever go to the loo with me. but i did giggle of course about the bloke ones. hee heee. (i'm not mentioning the button ones though).
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2012
- Messages
- 4,933
A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.
The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new
found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new
found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
DustyKat
Super Moderator
- Joined
- May 8, 2010
- Messages
- 25,247
Late Night Call to the Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked with me," he replied.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked with me," he replied.
How To Stop Church Gossip
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .... ..and left it there all night.
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .... ..and left it there all night.
You can sing along with this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM
scottsma
Well-known member
didn't sing but tapped me feet
Spooky1
Well-known member
good ditty, cheered me up there, thanks ma.
When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day try this
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. Go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone, so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will
notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized.'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A** THAN YOURS!!
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. Go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone, so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will
notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized.'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A** THAN YOURS!!
Sex In The Shower
In a recent survey, people from Port Adelaide have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Port Adelaide residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they had never been to prison
In a recent survey, people from Port Adelaide have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Port Adelaide residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they had never been to prison
Warning! These might be a little strong! Do not read if you might be offended!
I was going to make a women joke, but they arn't funny. PERIOD!
I was going to make a Casey Anothony joke but my mom would kill me.
I was going to make a Mexican joke, but thats just crossing the border.
I was going to make a joke about my vagina but you'll never get it.
I was gonna make a joke about my penis, but nevermind.. Its too long.
I was going to make a gay joke butt fuck it
I was going to make a women joke, but they arn't funny. PERIOD!
I was going to make a Casey Anothony joke but my mom would kill me.
I was going to make a Mexican joke, but thats just crossing the border.
I was going to make a joke about my vagina but you'll never get it.
I was gonna make a joke about my penis, but nevermind.. Its too long.
I was going to make a gay joke butt fuck it
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2012
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- 4,933
Several men are in the locker room at the golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello?"
WOMAN: "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
Its only £400. Is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one I really, really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£80,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, no more than
£900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. Ill see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile this is?"
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello?"
WOMAN: "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
Its only £400. Is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one I really, really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£80,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, no more than
£900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. Ill see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile this is?"
lil johnny is at it again
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Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
The now very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?
The now very frustrated Johnny: Because I've already got a ****n' cat at home!
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Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
The now very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?
The now very frustrated Johnny: Because I've already got a ****n' cat at home!
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!
Glasgow cop says, ” Licence and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye did’nt come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye still did’nt come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. Licence and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Do ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!
Glasgow cop says, ” Licence and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye did’nt come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye still did’nt come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. Licence and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Do ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah asked, ‘Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.’
George Burns said, ‘I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.’
Oprah said, ‘I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.’
George said, ‘Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.’
Oprah said, ‘I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?’
So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said, ‘I just don’t believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!’
George said, ‘The second time is even better than the first time.’
Oprah asked, ‘You can really do it again at your age?’
George said, ‘Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.’
When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, ‘Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!’
George told her that the third time would be even better. ‘You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand
and call me in thirty minutes.’
Oprah asked, ‘Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?’
George replied, ‘No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.
Oprah asked, ‘Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.’
George Burns said, ‘I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.’
Oprah said, ‘I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.’
George said, ‘Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.’
Oprah said, ‘I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?’
So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said, ‘I just don’t believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!’
George said, ‘The second time is even better than the first time.’
Oprah asked, ‘You can really do it again at your age?’
George said, ‘Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.’
When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, ‘Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!’
George told her that the third time would be even better. ‘You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand
and call me in thirty minutes.’
Oprah asked, ‘Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?’
George replied, ‘No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.
DustyKat
Super Moderator
- Joined
- May 8, 2010
- Messages
- 25,247
Wife says to her Husband one night...
Darling the car won't start, I think there's water in the carburettor...
How do you know? You don't even know what the carburettor is said the Husband scornfully...
I'm 100% sure there's water in the carburettor and if I'm wrong I promise that I'll give you sex every night for 6 months without fail starting tonight says the Wife...
Ok Sweetheart I'll hold you to that promise. I'll go and check it out right now says the Husband. Rubbing his hands together as he goes out to the garage...
Sweetheart, where's the car yells the Husband...
The Wife replies happily...Oh, it's in the swimming pool Darling.
Darling the car won't start, I think there's water in the carburettor...
How do you know? You don't even know what the carburettor is said the Husband scornfully...
I'm 100% sure there's water in the carburettor and if I'm wrong I promise that I'll give you sex every night for 6 months without fail starting tonight says the Wife...
Ok Sweetheart I'll hold you to that promise. I'll go and check it out right now says the Husband. Rubbing his hands together as he goes out to the garage...
Sweetheart, where's the car yells the Husband...
The Wife replies happily...Oh, it's in the swimming pool Darling.
All Seniors Aren't Senile
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know" said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend......................
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know" said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend......................
LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL - PRICELESS
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove
them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
He explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
There are teachers, and then there are Educators
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove
them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
He explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
There are teachers, and then there are Educators
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2011
- Messages
- 300
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing . She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing . She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2012
- Messages
- 4,933
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2010
- Messages
- 2,082
@ Robert-LOL you are so awesome!
The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
DustyKat
Super Moderator
- Joined
- May 8, 2010
- Messages
- 25,247
24 Inches:
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2011
- Messages
- 73
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mate, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going, mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the man)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist to Kiwi: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I thunk.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the man)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
from the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in total panic) 'The sheep's a liar......'
:dance:
into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mate, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going, mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the man)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist to Kiwi: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I thunk.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the man)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
from the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in total panic) 'The sheep's a liar......'
:dance:
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2011
- Messages
- 73
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2011
- Messages
- 73
Another Scotsman. Englishman and Irishman tale.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy
the fifth drink.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy. "Back home in Belfast, there's Mick's
Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see
dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down Paddy's claims, but
he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually
happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted Paddy. "But it did happen to me
sister quite a few times.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy
the fifth drink.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy. "Back home in Belfast, there's Mick's
Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see
dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down Paddy's claims, but
he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually
happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted Paddy. "But it did happen to me
sister quite a few times.
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2011
- Messages
- 300
A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her
weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see
you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly
20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"NO , FROM SKIPPING !!!!."
weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see
you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly
20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"NO , FROM SKIPPING !!!!."
scottsma
Well-known member
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today"he said"what do you think the neigbours would say if I mowed the lawn in the nude?"..........."Probably that I married you for your money"
scottsma
Well-known member
Yes,that'd be right:lol2:
scottsma
Well-known member
Tiger Woods had finished a tournament in Ireland and called at a petrol station to fill up.The auwd fella greeted him with "top of the mornin to you",and Tiger replied "and the rest of the day to you"as is appropriate".Will you fill her up?"As he pulled his wallet out of his pocket, a couple of tees fell out.Now the auwd fella didn't know who Tiger was and knew nothing about golf.He picked them up and asked"now what would these be,if you don't mind me asking sor" Tiger replied,"they're tees and they are for resting my balls on when I'm driving" .............."Well begorra",said the auwd fella",don't B.M.W think of everything nowadays"?
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2012
- Messages
- 4,933
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
"My bike."
ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's bicycle.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
"My bike."
ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's bicycle.
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2012
- Messages
- 4,933
Tech Support Suggestions
These are very common problems men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is indeed an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 6.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings - Alimony/Child support”. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YESDEAR to alleviate software augmentation.
Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YESDEAR because ultimately you may have to give the C:\APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck,
Tech Support
These are very common problems men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is indeed an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 6.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings - Alimony/Child support”. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YESDEAR to alleviate software augmentation.
Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YESDEAR because ultimately you may have to give the C:\APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck,
Tech Support
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2010
- Messages
- 2,082
:hug: Bwaahaahaa! You're so awesome Robert!
scottsma
Well-known member
I rang the council as I was having some work done on the house, and asked if it was alright to have a skip outside."You can do cartwheels around the block if you want to Pet"was the reply
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is
closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
'So, you've been out drinking again!!'
'How did you know?' he asks.
'The pub called, you left your wheelchair
there again.'
The bartender finally says that the bar is
closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
'So, you've been out drinking again!!'
'How did you know?' he asks.
'The pub called, you left your wheelchair
there again.'
scottsma
Well-known member
My dad was at the front line when the first shot was fired during the war.By the time the second shot was fired he was back home under the bed.
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2012
- Messages
- 126
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
Now you know what a dem and rep is.:thumleft:
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
Now you know what a dem and rep is.:thumleft:
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2011
- Messages
- 300
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady lo
oked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady lo
oked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
annawato
Moderator
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2012
- Messages
- 1,354
The IRISH 999 CALL
An Irish woman is cleaning her husbands rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.
Irish woman: ''It's my fooken husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Maam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''
*click* .. *BANG*
Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done dat.................... What's next?''
An Irish woman is cleaning her husbands rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.
Irish woman: ''It's my fooken husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Maam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''
*click* .. *BANG*
Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done dat.................... What's next?''
The Ohio State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while hiking.
They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2010
- Messages
- 2,082
A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you honestly think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you honestly think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
DustyKat
Super Moderator
- Joined
- May 8, 2010
- Messages
- 25,247
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. '
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. '
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2012
- Messages
- 4,933
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Kev
Senior Member
Then theres the tragic case of the gastro doc who, despite a severe drinking problem, would not seek help. He continued to work, even examining patients after he'd drunk all the rubbing alcohol in the exam room. In the end, of course, he got totally shit faced.
Terriernut
Moderator
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2010
- Messages
- 4,226
Probably by ME! I shan't name names.
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father
says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone,
"Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own
way."
Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father
says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone,
"Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own
way."
723crossroads
Banned
There was a gorgeous young blonde whose husband went out of town on business every week. She became lonely one night and gave in to her desires. She and her date were going at it in the bedroom and her husband pulls into the garage, Hearing the garage door close, she tells the man to hide in the closet, but be careful, because her little boy is playing in there. The man goes in the closet and hears,"sure is dark in here!" The man quickly replies, "shut up little kid!". The little boy says,"hey mister, how much will you give me for my teddy bear?" The Guy says." I told you to shut up!." The little boy says you give me $200.00 or I'm telling my Daddy you are in here." So the man gives him the $200.00 When he hears the husband snoring, he sneaks out of the house. The next day the Dad and boy are out on the porch. The little boy pulls out a wad of 20's. The Dad says, "where did you get all that money"? The boy says, "I found it on the lawn yesterday." The Dad says, you are lying to me, now you go down to the church and give a confession. So the little boy goes down to the church and steps into the confessional and says,"Sure is dark in here!" And the priest says, "Don't start that shit again!!!"
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2012
- Messages
- 4,933
Why it's great to be a guy
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutter's don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Flowers fix everything.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me".
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutter's don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Flowers fix everything.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me".
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
723crossroads
Banned
WHY IT"S GREAT TO BE A GIRL!!!
1. Guys open doors for you everywhere you go.
2. Police won't give you a speeding ticket if you smile and show a little cleavage.
3.I never have to bend over and cough, just spread my legs and say ahhh!
4. Sex is always an easy thing to aquire if we so desire.
5. If a man can't plz me, I can plz myself.
6.I don't absolutely have to work the rest of my life if I don't want to.
7. I can use the excuse , I have a headache if I don't want sex.
8. I can be a b--ch anytime I want to and use the excuse of hormones!:ylol:
9.If I want you to leave the room all I have to do is talk about my period or having babies.
10.If I want to have fun with the gals, all I have to do is tell you they are all coming over and you leave.
11. If I wreck the car, I can always say someone hit me in the mall parkinglot, because you know I love to shop.
12. If I don't feel like cooking all I have to say is I'm making liver tonight and you will say, no honey, that's ok, I'll pick up a pizza![/COLOR]
1. Guys open doors for you everywhere you go.
2. Police won't give you a speeding ticket if you smile and show a little cleavage.
3.I never have to bend over and cough, just spread my legs and say ahhh!
4. Sex is always an easy thing to aquire if we so desire.
5. If a man can't plz me, I can plz myself.
6.I don't absolutely have to work the rest of my life if I don't want to.
7. I can use the excuse , I have a headache if I don't want sex.
8. I can be a b--ch anytime I want to and use the excuse of hormones!:ylol:
9.If I want you to leave the room all I have to do is talk about my period or having babies.
10.If I want to have fun with the gals, all I have to do is tell you they are all coming over and you leave.
11. If I wreck the car, I can always say someone hit me in the mall parkinglot, because you know I love to shop.
12. If I don't feel like cooking all I have to say is I'm making liver tonight and you will say, no honey, that's ok, I'll pick up a pizza![/COLOR]
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- Joined
- Jul 13, 2010
- Messages
- 1,293
sounds about right crossroads. lol
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2012
- Messages
- 455
Husband says to wife: "let's go into the bedroom and I can teach you how to be a real woman". So the two go into the bedroom. Five minutes later all their clothes are lying on the floor. The wife says: "I thought you were going to teach me how to be a real woman?". Husband responds: "I am. Now go fold them". :ylol2:
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723crossroads
Banned
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2009
- Messages
- 1,600
A fireman comes home and tells his wife that from now on they are going to run thier sex life just like they run the firehouse. They are going to use the bell system.
"When I yell bell 1, you run to the bedroom.
When I yell bell 2, you strip naked.
When I yell bell 3, you jump on the bed and be ready.
When I yell bell 4 we make hot passonate love.
A little later he yells "Bell 1"
She runs to the bedroom.
He yells "Bell 2"
She strips naked
He yells "Bell 3"
She jumps on the bed ready to go.
He yells "Bell 4"
They start making passionate love.
Pretty soon she yells "Bell 5, Bell 5 !!!!"
He stops and looks at her all confused and says
"Bell 5? What's bell 5?"
She yells "MORE HOSE!! MORE HOSE!! YOUR NO WHERE NEAR THE FIRE!!!!"
"When I yell bell 1, you run to the bedroom.
When I yell bell 2, you strip naked.
When I yell bell 3, you jump on the bed and be ready.
When I yell bell 4 we make hot passonate love.
A little later he yells "Bell 1"
She runs to the bedroom.
He yells "Bell 2"
She strips naked
He yells "Bell 3"
She jumps on the bed ready to go.
He yells "Bell 4"
They start making passionate love.
Pretty soon she yells "Bell 5, Bell 5 !!!!"
He stops and looks at her all confused and says
"Bell 5? What's bell 5?"
She yells "MORE HOSE!! MORE HOSE!! YOUR NO WHERE NEAR THE FIRE!!!!"
723crossroads
Banned
Wow, not what I expected at all!!! Hilarious!:biggrin:
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2012
- Messages
- 126
CAR
TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
Kev
Senior Member
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic musician wannabe? Instead of enrolling in a school for the performing arts, he decided to enter politics. Why? He heard they were the biggest bunch of rock coaches in the world.
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2012
- Messages
- 4,933
Pick up lines for 2013
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Can I have directions to your heart?
Do you want to see something really swell?
I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Can I have directions to your heart?
Do you want to see something really swell?
I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
scottsma
Well-known member
Robert,that was sooooo bad,I had to laugh.Talk about corny.......My best offer was "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me ".It's said that women like a sense of humour,but unfortunately that was nothing like humour.But keep trying haha.
scottsma
Well-known member
You would have been asked if you didn't spend your time faffing about,telling cringe worthy jokes and causing mayhem and unrest wherever you go.:ylol:
P.S. Nobodies noticed,nor are they likely too.
723crossroads
Banned
Tsk,Tsk, Robbie. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? LOL:yfrown:
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2011
- Messages
- 6,207
Two tankers collided in the North Sea yesterday
one was carrying red paint
one was carrying purple paint
both crews have been marooned
one was carrying red paint
one was carrying purple paint
both crews have been marooned
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2011
- Messages
- 6,207
I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.
annawato
Moderator
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2012
- Messages
- 1,354
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.''I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
GRoan........
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.''I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
GRoan........
723crossroads
Banned
Thanx for the laughs annawato!!!
scottsma
Well-known member
Thanx for the laughs annawato!!!
From a blonde...........did you recognise yourself Teresa ????:rof:
723crossroads
Banned
Nope, I'm strawberry blonde now. HAHA!:tongue:
Spooky1
Well-known member
you do not want to know how many book shelves i have and how many piles of books stacked on the floor. Comes from having to self entertain at home! can't take telly to loo with you lol.
Spooky1
Well-known member
yes, i must get one of those e-readers. lightweight too.
