My Boyfriend Keeps Putting Me Down...

[Goku123]

Hello everyone,

So, I have been dealing with Crohn's for 5 years now, and I know it's not easy dating someone with my situation so I have some sympathy for my boyfriend. But lately I have reached the threshold I can handle emotional. When my boyfriend first met me I was 19 young, weighed a lot more and overall had a more feminine body. Throughout the last few years I have lost roughly 20 pounds when my boyfriend first met me I was 145 pounds now I am 123 pounds and I am 5'11. He thinks I'm not putting enough effort into gaining weight, I have recently seen a dietician and I have been trying to eat more, I have also explained to him that it is not easy to just eat I go through excruciating pain, and I have a lot of fear of eating certain foods because of the pain I have been through. Also, I have difficulty absorbing nutrients - it is not a matter of him not understanding crohns he understands the disease and how it impacts weight loss and nutrient intake but he thinks I'm being a loser and am giving up when it comes to my health. I see my GI every few months I am trying better medication and I am frequently doing my colonoscopies.This year I found out that my crohns is not in remission and it's been a difficult time mentally on me, because I just want to start feeling better. Anyways lately my boyfriend has started to tell me that he doesn't like the way my body looks and that he likes the way I looked when he first met me and he was attracted to that person and as time goes by he had lost attraction, he also said that I'm not aging gracefully and that he doesn't know what I will look like when I'm older. He also says that I am too boney and that I don't look curvy (which is what he is attracted to) Am I being too sensitive? I just feel like he is punishing me for things that aren't in my control especially because my crohns is currently not in remission I am going to experience more weight loss and look more drained during this time. I am really trying to push myself to eat more I even got my dietician to make a food plan for me to gain weight and eat well balanced meals. I don't want to feel insecure especially about my disease I am starting to feel really down on myself and i hate how thin I look. I don't want my boyfriend to view me in this way should I be puttin more effort into looking the way he wants me to I don't want him to lose attraction? I also, am worried that down the road he is just going to be less and less attracted to me as years go by and I'll be left with feeling worse about myself. Please give me some advice because I don't know if i am over reacting.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Honestly, he sounds like the loser to me. You sound like you're working on everything to do with the inside (the important stuff) - you are seeing your GI regularly, going to a dietician, trying new medicines and having tests, trying to get into remission. You're doing everything right. It sounds like he's concerned only with the outside (the superficial, less important stuff) - how you look, how you're going to look in the future. That stuff is so not important compared to how important your health and well-being (both physically and mentally) are! And from your avatar picture, you're clearly a gorgeous lady so I don't even know why your boyfriend would say such awful things to you. Based just on what you've written, I'd be inclined to say he's not good enough for you - he's clearly not very supportive and is just making you feel bad about yourself. If he's like this when you're losing weight, what's he going to be like if you have to be hospitalized or have surgery - is he going to make fun of your scars or tell you that hospital gowns are super unattractive on you? Honestly, he sounds so unsupportive and uncaring about what you're going through - if it were me, I'd probably dump him.

That's just my opinion of course. And I say that from experience - I'm married, and I was getting close to divorce when I first got sick. My husband was so unsupportive too, he'd make comments along the lines of, it's not even possible to be sick all the time or maybe I was faking for attention - seriously. Then a miracle happened and he got sick too - he had impacted kidney stones for 6 months so he got a taste of what it's like to live with pain, symptoms, having to cancel plans because you can't get out of the bathroom, etc. Now he's so much more supportive and understanding. But for awhile until he got sick, I was really thinking of leaving him too. I've been there so I can tell you, it's just adding stress and sadness to your life to have someone treat you that way. Your boyfriend either needs to change his ways or get out of your life. Like I said, just my opinion. Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

 

[AutumnKirsten]

Wow. He does not sound nice at all. I would probably leave him (my opinion of course).

I would try to look at this in a positive way. I am sure you have heard the Marylin Monroe quote, "If you don't love me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best". I really do believe that applies in these situations. On top of that, your body is already going through enough without him adding to the pressure it is under. Good luck hun!

 

[thecrohnslife]

Don't waste your time with such an asshole. If he truly loved you, he would be concerned about your health, not about the fact that you're too skinny for his liking. Keep doing your best to get better FOR YOURSELF, not for anyone else. No one can understand what having Crohn's is like unless they actually have it. Good luck to you. Keep fighting!

 

[Axelfl3333]

i believe theres an american expression thats perfect for this,kick him to kerb and leave him there.

 

[wellen1981]

What a dick!

Doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated so badly.

 

[nitty]

I can only echo what everyone else has said, but I also know how hard it is to let go of a relationship even when you know it isn't good for you.

Do you have support from friends or family who could help you through this?

Does your boyfriend live with you? It would be easier to handle things if you have your own place.

It certainly sounds as if he has very superficial ideas of what a true loving relationship should be about, and they are not the sort of views that are compatible with a life-long partnership, especially when you already have health issues that he doesn't seem to understand. How would he feel about your body if it was changed by pregnancy/childbirth in the future?!

You need to put yourself and your own needs first as it doesn't seem that he is worthy of you putting him above you. When you get to a better state of health then you can look forward to finding a great bloke who will love you for you, and not just for what you look like.

Of course, this disease is a real test for any partner, especially as it is a long-term thing, but I'm afraid he has failed the test and doesn't deserve your time or energy - spend that on yourself.

Talk to whoever you need to in order to help you decide what to do and to keep your spirits up. You know there is always great help and support on this forum, too.

Best wishes,

Nitty

 

[Kero]

Dump his ass and send him packing! You don't need that kind of crap. He is NOT a nice person. I have been with my hubby for 18 years this summer, and not once EVER has he commented negatively on my looks. From being 140 lbs, all the way up to 227 lbs and then back down again. If someone is only worried about your looks he's not worth it. a close friend of mine just went through a divorce because the guy was so hung up on looks and would insult her all the time. Having this disease is enough, you shouldn't have to be put down by those you love/love you

 

[jwfoise]

Sorry, late to the show, but I'll give you an opinion from the man's side.

Your boyfriend needs to "man up" or you need to get another boyfriend.

I found out the reality of having a girlfriend with Crohn's when on our first out-of-town trip together (to a friend's wedding), I had to take her to the ER.

I married her about a year later and we are now approaching our 25th anniversary.

A real man does not judge his girlfriend as to whether she is too skinny or too fat. He loves her, the good with the bad or the difficult.

I know you are not married to him, but that whole "love, honor and cherish; through sickness and health" actually means something.

 

[Goku123]

Thank you everyone I really appreciate all the feedback. I also just found out Friday that he has been messaging and talking on the phone with a random girl on facebook that he doesn't even know. He told me that it is just as friends and that she knows he has a gf and and she has a fiancé apprarently. I just think after all the weight comments he said and now finding out he gave his number to a random girl on facebook and is talking to her on the phone had just piled up and im not feeling to good about my relationship now. I have to really reflect about things. I don't want to jump to conclusions about the girl but I don't know why he would just randomly do that. He did tell me about it so he wasn't trying to hide it but I alrwady now know he views me as less attractive so it just hurts even more now.

 

[nitty]

That really doesn't sound good to me.

Having been there myself, like many others, I would say you have to go with your gut feeling with this one. I wouldn't tar all men with the same brush at all, but this guy really sounds like a bad 'un. He is covering his own back with the the assumption that because he has told you first, before you found out, that you will believe him.

I had an ex who I was with for three years who spun me every tale in the book and when I look back now I know that I knew all along what he was like but I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

However, I did learn what NOT to accept in a man. A year after I finished with that scumbag I went on to meet the guy who I knew was 'the one' and my past bad experiences helped me to know what an amazing man he truly is. We have been together for 22 years, married for 16 of those and counting, with two amazing children.

You are a beautiful young woman with your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste any more of it on this a***hole. I hate to be this blunt and pessimistic, but you really do deserve better. Get out now and get on with getting yourself well again and looking to the future.

 

[lenny]

I'm sure it feels daunting, to break up with someone when you are sick. But, I can't imagine your bf saying such things to you, if he loved you. I can't believe a person like that will be there for you, when you really need him.