Need some Advice

[support]

Hello, im a 21yr old male and my Gf has crohns.
she is struggling with it at the moment and is in pain and just feels sick all the time.

when she eats her stomach blows up! to about double the size! this is strange even for her?

also im struggling with the sometimes lack of intimacy, i know she wants to and likes to, but most days just feels run down and tired. i sometimes get frustrated because it can be some time inbetween, being young this is hard for me.

i feel rejected most of the time, and i end up trying to talk to her about it and we end up fighting and making it worse, i just dont know what to do, i know i need to understand and relax because she's sick, but its hard to make the sacrifice.

any advice?

 

[MapleLeafGirl]

This is coming from the one who is usually saying "sorry I don't feel like it tonight cause I feel like crap". Believe me she does want to and like to as well, but there are just times when you are going to go awhile in between because of the way she is feeling. She is probably feeling incredibly guilty about saying no so much and wanting that intimacy but just not feeling up to it so when you bring it up it just brings up all of those feelings. She is also probably experiencing some things with her body that she just doesn't want to share with you because it can be kinda gross. Just be patient. Tell her to let you know when she is feeling up to it and let her know that you are open to exploring other ways to be intimate that may be easier for her. This can actually lead to a deepening of your relationship and deeper levels of intimacy.

 

[support]

^^
Thank you alot for a quick reply, yes i do understand that she doesnt feel like it, and i know she wouldnt use it as an excuse, because i know she likes it very much, and is just sick of feeling the way she does. i really need to keep reminding myself that she is unwell, because it sounds funny but sometimes i forget and just become selfish and cant help it. but other times i am more than happy just to cuddle all night.

anyone else?

 

[Crohn's 35]

Hey Support, I realize your are young,but you have realize when your is sick and on medications that cause your libdo to be so far down the tubes it isnt fun. You have to think of having a bad flu and she wants you and you can't even think of it...well that is how she feels. This disease is embarrassing as well.

Support is exactly what she needs, having said that, you really need to be understanding. It is hard enough for us to deal with pain and nausea, etc... and no one knows how long, or how severe it can be. It is hard on us too and we are tired too from time to time. You will have to be patient, as hard as that might be.

My last boyfriend ended up not being able to deal with an almost non existant intimacy and of course it didnt last. Now I have a wonderful husband who thinks of me first and he is my hero.

Hope you can be there for her...alway. Good luck!

 

[support]

Thank you for your words, and at times i have felt like leaving because i cant cope, i hope i do find the strength to stick around and be her man

 

[support]

i know it sounds weird, but sometimes i wish i was feeling sick or sumthing so i didnt want it either

 

[Silvermoon]

That doesn't sound weird at all.

And to me, the fact that you are asking advise, already shows me how much you care.... I have a feeling you will be sticking around to be her man.....

I wish I could give you more answers than what has already been suggested. Hopefully, if you are patient enough, some of the other "spouses" may be around to give you some more tips.

Kudos to you for trying.

 

[support]

yes i really do want to and ive been so involved with all her docs appointments and research with her, i just dont know anyone close around me who has/is going through similar thing that i can talk to about. then again neither does she, there is no support for crohns in our living area, i am looking into seeking for people with interest in starting one, which would help her alot.

but for now i really need to be understanding, but sometimes feel used because im the one she wants to see when shes unwell, and when shes feeling good sometimes wants to just drink with her friends, i think its just me being paranoid but i do feel hurt and used sometimes which makes me angry, when its probably not the case?

 

[DustyKat]

but for now i really need to be understanding, but sometimes feel used because im the one she wants to see when shes unwell, and when shes feeling good sometimes wants to just drink with her friends, i think its just me being paranoid but i do feel hurt and used sometimes which makes me angry, when its probably not the case?

Maybe she does this because you are her rock........her comfort zone. With you she can be herself, totally let down her guard. She loves, trusts and respects you and you probably see a side of her that that very few people do, you may even be the only one that sees it. It is a side that she doesn't want to show to her friends.

I can understand why you have feelings of being used but her actions toward you are not borne out of selfishness. They most likely stem more from necessity and survival. An ability to once in a while be *normal* like her friends and you are both young so this is only natural.

It will be a difficult road for you but as Silvermoon said - you are here seeking advice and guidance - I can assure you a less caring and selfish person wouldn't.

Take care,
Dusty

 

[support]

thank you for your words and explaining it better to me, your right i know she just wants to be normal, she was crying in my arms this last night. i am going to try real hard to support her, all your words have explained it perfectly she tells me all the time that i am her best friend, but i just wish we could enjoy other parts of life more often and us doing normal things kids our age do i am accepting it more now but its so hard to swallow at this age, and especial for her

 

[DustyKat]

but i just wish we could enjoy other parts of life more often and us doing normal things kids our age do i am accepting it more now but its so hard to swallow at this age, and especial for her

Of course you do and don't go beating yourself up for thinking and wanting things to be normal. Remember, this is hard on you too and you need to look after yourself as well.

Dusty.

 

[support]

thanks for your kind words, just sometimes i dont think i can do it im glad ive come on here and looked for help, is there anyone else with a similar situation

 

[DustyKat]

There are others on here that are caring for partners but I'm not sure of their age. I don't want to play the devil's advocate here but you are both young and there is no shame in admitting that you can't do this. Better to be honest than build up feelings of hatred and resentment. Please ignore those remarks if they are not applicable to your situation.

Good Luck,
Dusty

 

[support]

i know the thoughts dont you worry. but i am love this girl to much and could not do that to her! altho there has been times i was very close, i just want to be strong for her and believe i can do it

 

[Regular Joe]

Hey dude,

I can identify with you. I'm somewhat older, but I have this "drive" that is crazy for my age. I understand how you could feel used, too - about being available for her when she's sick, but when she's well she wants to experience "fun" with her friends. What happened to me? you probably ask yourself.

Well there is this thing about intimacy and relationship that it takes some guys many years to figure out. Some never figure it out.

It's pretty simple, and Jettalady's husband figured it out. God bless him, Pen!

He put Jettalady's best interests before his own. Jettalady (Pen) came first in his life, and he showed that to her with actions, and not words. Pen fell in love with him because she felt like she was in first place in his life - and she is in first place.

Like I said, I have an insane drive, and it is still hard for me to control at 52. But I love the lady I'm with, and the way I feel about her is that there is no one else in the world for me but her. If she were out of my life, I'm not sure I could or would ever love another. I feel this way because I know how much she loves me - no one else has ever put me first in their lives as much as this lady - including my own mom and my son. I can rely on her to be available for me whenever I truly need her.

I learned that by watching her and being observant. I learned how to understand her non-verbal cues that say "I love you Joseph" without her speaking a word. It wasn't her physical attractiveness that communicates her love.

One night I had insomnia, and I was worried about an event the next day. I needed her love. What she gave me were her fingers running through my hair, and her voice singing a song to me, until I fell asleep. I didn't need physical intimacy, although I wouldn't have turned it down. But she sensed exactly what I needed and gave it to me, and whatever she needed or wanted never came into the picture. It was all about me.

So I learned how to do that too - how to respond in kind. If she's feeling "frisky" at first, and everything seems to be lined up for certain mind-blowing activities, then she suddenly gets droopy eyes, or a stomach ache, or anything that might change the mood of the evening, then it's time for me to put her first. I already know she loves me, so I don't need to feel insecure. I just have to deal with not getting my way, even though the evening was looking like that would happen.

That gets to the core of it. She's not "mine" to have "my way" with. She's another human being with a separate mind, body, and soul. I don't own her, she's not my property. If I were not in her life, she would have the freedom to choose whatever she wanted to do: to go out with her friends, or to party or spend time with anyone in any way she pleases.

What moves me to put her first is that out of every single thing she could be doing on any night, she wants to spend her time with me, and no one else. It doesn't matter if that time is spent making wild passionate love, or if it's spent watching TV, or if it just means giving her a hug and a kiss goodnight nd going home. She gave the best of her time and evening to me.

That means going home with an honest smile on my face, without any rolling eyes, or giving her any kind of feeling or vibe that will make her feel guilty because she didn't give me something I had the physical desire for. This is called "growing up" and many men older than me haven't figured out how to do it.

Growing up means learning how to give your best to your loved one without attaching any kind of expectation, and also learning how to accept and understand that the word "no" doesn't mean anything other than "no". Translated it means "No. But you are the most important person in my life, and I love you with all my heart - why else would I want you to be with me tonight?"

Pen's husband is her hero. Wow! What kind of words are those? Do you have any idea what it means to truly and deeply understand those simple words? I do. Pen's husband is being treated like a king - and I know exactly how that feels too. If I put my companion's needs ahead of my own, I guarantee that my own needs will get met "in spades" (many times over).

There was a certain very wise man who said it this way:

"He who wishes to secure the good of others has already secured his own."

That man's name was Confucius.

 

[support]

^^ i dont think i could have recieved any better advice! than from someone who knows how i feel! i envy you and the mind set you have around these things! thanks so much

 

[support]

Hey dude,



So I learned how to do that too - how to respond in kind. If she's feeling "frisky" at first, and everything seems to be lined up for certain mind-blowing activities, then she suddenly gets droopy eyes, or a stomach ache, or anything that might change the mood of the evening, then it's time for me to put her first. I already know she loves me, so I don't need to feel insecure. I just have to deal with not getting my way, even though the evening was looking like that would happen.

This part mostly because this is what i have trouble with, last night that same thing happened, during the day there was talk about having fun, but by the end of work she was so tired and just wanted to cry, these are the times were i know i should be understanding and she will love me more for it.

 

[Crohn's 35]

Joe you put tears in my eyes!!!! That was so moving and true! My husband and I are best friends!!

Most people dont have that kind of love in their lifetime, it is special and should never be taken for granted. There isnt a day that goes by when my husband doesn't ask how I am, even my mother doesnt do that. He was young and "frisky" when he was younger and now that we both had past relationships of those who cheated on us, we know that pain and we are soul mates. It isnt something you learn when you are young, it took me a long time to find my husband who in my opinion is one in a billion. (Sorry Joe you are one of those men too).

I guess what I am saying is, your love can't be conditional, you have to love them, trust them and above all be honourable. If you are close, you should be able to talk about anything!

Support I hope we are not putting pressure on you,, you are young and I get that, and this disease is debilitating. You owe her to let her know how you feel. Stress is hard on us but we do get over heartaches, been there and I am a stronger person for it.

You have to decide what is best for you. We are not criticizing you, just letting you know what is at stake. I hope you can understand. Loving someone with all your heart is being there no matter what. If you are looking for guarantees...there arent any. Let us know what you decide. :hang:

 

[Jerman]

Hey Support, I can see that you have gotten some really sound advice from Crabby, Joe, and Pen. My wife and I both have chronic issues/ailments that we are battling, which does not always lend to "physical" intimacy. However, despite the fact that I would prefer for us to both be well and chasing her around the house, there are different levels of intimacy that can be attained that certainly add to the depth of a relationship. When a couple faces this type of adversity together there is an opportunity for true trust and faith in one another to deepen. If you are able to continually work on putting her needs ahead of your own you may find this level of intimacy together. Being in my 40's, and looking back at relationships, I can see that there were women who made the physical level that would never have the depth to work towards the level of trust and even friendship that we have attained together at this point.

Hang in, if it continues to be a struggle and you find that you are short-tempered or frustrated with her or the situation, maybe couples counseling would be beneficial. These abdominal conditions come with a boatload of challenges and issues that go far beyond bathroom challenges. If you truly want to be with this lady, you must learn that there are many things that will be beyond your reach of control. There will likely be many bumps in the road, but to truly find the "love of your life" is a treasure that a person really can't comprehend until being there. Some never find that match and go through a life time looking and hoping to find it. If you believe that she could be the one, the sacrifice of your needs will be well worth the choice. Good luck I hope you are both able to find health and happiness together.

 

[Jennifer]

Holy crap! Jerman, did you know that you're psychic? I haven't posted yet.

Hello Support! Glad you came on here looking for advice. My bf and I have been having this problem for a while now. He goes through phases thinking that its because of him. But in all honesty, I have constant diarrhea and any sort of motion in the ocean makes my stomach want to vomit out my backside. Now, I like to consider myself a pretty and classy hot babe, heck I'm only 28 (was diagnosed at 9 so I went through that want to be normal party stage that your girl's doing now) but its hard to feel sexy when you feel like you have to go to the bathroom or know you're going to or are afraid that you're going to. Not to mention the pain, cramps and bloating. Even with all the advances I get from my bf, I find myself pushing him away and telling him not now or making promises that I don't keep. What I've learned to do from this forum is to try to do what I can while I'm feeling well but sometimes you just aren't in the mood when you're well or sometimes my bf is at work when I'm well and in the mood. I bet if his car was working he'd rush home if I sent him a text saying that I'm in the mood.

I don't fully understand your side or my bf's feelings but I can put myself in his place and can see that one would feel used or undesirable. On the outside I look fine but on the inside I feel like crap and he can't feel what I feel. Basically keep the communication lines open between you two because it really helps to know what they're thinking rather than assuming they are thinking something they aren't. And also try not to be so forward with your desires. Sometimes a good cuddle and back rub while you look into each others eyes can turn into something more.

 

[MapleLeafGirl]

Also, certain times of the day are way better for me. Mornings are bad cause it's usually toilet time and evenings are bad cause I'm usually exhausted. Early to mid afternoon is the best time for me and my husband has learned that

To lighten things up a bit, a little story. He was having a few problems understanding for a little while until one day he came home from work with a bad stomach flu and felt like a truck hit him. As he nicely curled up in bed finally and was going to get some much needed rest. I crawled in beside him and said "wanna have sex". The look on his face was priceless. Needless to say he got it and has been a much more understanding guy ever since.

 

[support]

thank you guys for all your support! i couldnt have asked for better experiances than from you guys, i am deffinatly going to stick around with my girl, knowing its going to be hard at times, but shes the one i love...i will be on here more often to try and understand the kind of struggles and for support, which im sure your the best people to give it.
thank you all. peace

 

[Jerman]

Holy crap! Jerman, did you know that you're psychic? I haven't posted yet.

Uhhm Yeah that's it I'm psychic! No, I am not psychic but can be a bit of a spaceshot at times, I mixed you and Mapleleafgirl up. You both give a good deal of solid advice and support to others in the forum---so that's how i mixed ya up.
::jerman walks into the next room and forgets why he went there:: :ybatty::ybatty::ybatty:

Support --glad to see you are getting such good advice! There are some really wonderful people here, keep at it- hoping your lady is feeling much better soon.

 

[Gibby87]

Hey Support, I'm 23, so I'm a little closer to your age. Take it from me, we have a lot of bad days where we just want to stay in and not do anything, and when we have bad days, we actually want to go out and enjoy what we missed. I go through that all the time. I miss alot because of how sick I am. And when I actually feel somewhat well, I go out and enjoy time with friends. We try so hard to lead normal lives, and in that trying, it actually slows us down or makes us sick when we push it too hard (me). All we want is caring understanding. You did a great job by finding this place. Support her with every inch of your heart and soul. understand her with an open mind. And most important, just listen to her when she just wants to cry and talk. You will be rewarded.

 

[support]

just an update and another question.

my gf has now been suggested to start taking Humira, i am fairly sure she will start in the next few weeks. referring to my original post do you think this will help that side of our rship? just looking for personal experiences

 

[Jennifer]

I haven't taken Humira but I do know that there's a fair amount of side effects (abdominal pain, back pain, injection site pain, headaches, nausea etc. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000219 ) that may come with it that makes a lot of people become less than interested in any activity let alone sexual relations. Give the drug some time and the side effects may go away or hopefully she'll have none. Then maybe once she starts feeling better she may become more interested. I wouldn't press the issue though. I really do hope she starts feeling better which in turn will make you feel better as well.

 

[support]

me 2 thank you

 

[support]

another bump

sorry guys, at the moment i am really stuggling with my rship, im trying to be as strong as i can, we have been together 11 months and i feel its going to stay the same forever itamcy wise, and its hard to say but i believe i would end up very unhappy, i do love her more than anything, but its a important part of the rship that is simply missing, more often than not, there just always seems like sumthing is in the way, she appoligises often about it and i know most of the time there is nothing she can do but still....

a few months ago i asked her if she would start taking wyld for woman to get her libdo back, we didnt fight about it i was just telling her i was sad about the situation, we handled it very mature, well thats what i thought.

i asked her about a week later if she had been taking them and she told me different nights which she had been.... i then seen the pack of the tablets beside her bed....there was 3 missing, 2 which she had took a few months earlyer, i think your suppose to take 1 or 2 a day, anyway she had only taken 1 since i asked her, and worst of all lied about it

i can understand when she is unwell how it may not be on her mind, but when she is ok she doesnt do anything to help anyway, i feel really hurt and that nothing will ever change

its a important part to a rship in my views, but doesnt seem to be in hers, sometimes i think she lies about it, but im not sure, maybe i just dont know what its like to have somthing constantly running me down and making me feel crap

but one thing i do know, is ive tried pressing the issue so so so so so so many times, with no compromise from her behalf.

im nearly ready to give up!

i think when she starts these injections it will make her feel better after she gets use to the sides.

and if nothings changed then it could very mean that its got nothing to do with the crohns and just doesnt care how i feel

 

[Guest]

hi there... i can see both sides here & probably my opinion isn't going to help that much.. but maybe you could read this statement of yours back and see some answers there...

"but one thing i do know, is ive tried pressing the issue so so so so so so many times, with no compromise from her behalf."

pressure on someone trying to get them to do something or not do something doesn't work. think back to when you were a kid - if you were forbidden to say, cross the road near your house, what's the first thing you'll probably have done when no-one was looking? & similarly, remember being nagged and nagged about something, and the more you were nagged, the more you resented it...?

not only is the pressure most probably very unwelcome to your girlfriend right now, she could actually be feeling exactly what you're saying about her - that you don't care about HER, only about having sex... i know that sounds harsh, and from your previous posts i know that's not true, but that is how it may seem to her.

with an ongoing condition like IBD, it's not a case of feeling ok one day and reverting completely back to our 'normal' selves.. this kind of illness brings depression, fear, anxiety, lonliness, debilitation.... and those days when we don't feel too bad are precious, but the effects of the illness are still there..

i think sometimes, though no fault of their own, some people rate their relationship success on the sex... if it's not very often, or too quick, they think their partners don't love them/care for them/fancy them... when in truth that is often not the case, especially when one partner is poorly a lot of the time.

it takes a deep love & understanding to get past that rating system in your head - it is something i learned long ago, and these days i am more confident within my relationship because of the closeness i have with my partner, the friendship, care, support, laughs, cuddles etc.. the fact that we can talk about anything in the world, or go for walks holding hands & not needing to talk... these things are far more important than the physical side of our relationship. when that happens, it's the icing on the cake, it's lovely - but i don't worry about how often it happens, neither does he.

i know you're both young, and it's hard to accept the restrictions in your relationship that Crohn's is bringing, but i can't help but feel that if my partner was pushing me to take tablets to increase my sex drive, to please him - when i didn't feel well, i would be very unhappy, and resentful, no matter how old i was.

hopefully if the treatment she's on for Crohn's improves her quality of life, takes away a lot of the symptoms, she will naturally feel better about herself, her confidence will come back, and with it the intimate part of your relationship - i really hope so, for both of you.

 

[Jer's Girl]

I know it can be hard to feel rejected, even when you know logically that it isn’t about you. Even though I deny my husband a few times a week (hey, I’m tiered from work Okay?), I still feel the sting of rejection if he is ever the one who doesn’t want it if I initiate.

But, having said that, if you are contemplating leaving you girlfriend because of this then you must not really love her. It’s a simple as that. Real love is unconditional. Sorry to be so harsh but that is how I feel.

This year I had Ileostomy surgery which means that I have a stoma and I use a bag on my stomach as my bathroom. When I told my boyfriend (now my husband) that I was going to need this done, he didn’t even bat an eye. He just wanted me to do what I had to do to get rid of my pain. Everyone deserves someone who can love them when things get hard, not just when things are easy.

Intimacy is an important part of a relationship but intimacy comes from trust. After my surgery I went MONTHS without wanting to do anything physical because I was still adjusting to my new body. My husband never pushed but he made sure I knew that he found me as attractive as ever. His love and understanding made me finally feel comfortable enough to try again and it was amazing and has been amazing ever since because I know that I can fully trust my husband to see me as beautiful and love me through anything.

I know that my husband does not judge me or think less of me when I am too sick or tiered and knowing that makes our connection that much stronger when I am well and raring to go. As others have said, feeling pressured never makes a woman feel sexy or wanted on more than just a physical level.

What would happen if your girlfriend got cancer or something like that in the future? Hate to break it to you, but if you are with someone long term then you or they are going to go through some hard times be it Crohns, cancer, depression, a death in the family or something else. Everyone deserves someone who will love them unconditionally, even when they are not at their best. If you cannot do this for your girlfriend than perhaps you just don’t love her as much as you thought you did and you aren’t doing either one of you any favors by sticking around and keeping her from meeting the man that truly will support her through anything.

 

[Tripper]

I see that you've gotten a lot of replies to your post... but I'm going to add something, if that's okay. Being someone who's been on the other side of your problem, I can tell you it's not easy for either side. My husband has actually asked me to move out because of my Crohn's at one point. We did work through it, but I still worry him a lot. I don't worry about him leaving me, or our marriage ending... I worry about how he's dealing with my situation, you see, it so easily it becomes his situation as well. And, I'm sure that's how it is with you and your GF. I try to communicate with him as much as possible, and I try to take his advice into consideration, even if I think he's wrong. It's hard not to be crabby with him, but I try to do my best. I know how hard it is for him, but he's kind, and caring. Hang in there, if you love her, stay with her, hold her hand and be supportive.

 

[jamilea]

I think it says a lot about you that you would come online to an internet forum to try and understand what your girl is going through. If you love her and want to marry her some day, then it's in sickness and in health. That's really the only truth.

It sounds like you really do care. Learn as much about her condition as you possibly can. That should fill your wall of selfishness and an education is good in any form. It's normal to feel the way you do so try not to beat yourself up too bad.

When she is ready, she will. That's all I got buddy, sorry. I really hope the two of you can come to an understanding that when it's not the right time, it's just not. I know my husband deals with it. We are young too, he is 31 and I'm 26.

Sometimes his back hurts, sometimes I feel like crap and can't. We agree that we are just sick and in pain right now and it won't be a forever thing. There are treatments out there and doctors who care. Keep fighting for her if you love her.

Maybe you could join a support group and get her involved and active in her disease? That will show that you love her and care. Let her know that it's important to talk to other people about what she is going through so she doesn't feel alone.

You could tell her about this site if you don't fear she will be upset that you posted about your sex life?

 

[jamilea]

Yay Joe, good points. I have a husband like Pen's...he is my hero, my best friend and we've only been married almost 2 years. He puts me first in all things, lets me know that he isn't going anywhere, stays up all hours of the night with me rubbing my hair when I can't sleep, makes sure that I'm taken care of.

There is a natural response like you said, SPADES!

 

[support]

sorry guys but you's have all just made me very sad, we have broken it off (again) there are other issues in the relationship that dont ever seem to be resolved, we were both very strong personalities and we clashed alot, im so depressed right now after the break up, and there is no way you's can suggest that i dont love her as much as i do! alot of other people would not have hung around for aslong as i could, i feel like i have failed in a way, and am sometimes to empathetic towards her in the way she feel and it makes me forget about myself.

i feel a great deal of sadness and would love nothing more to run back to her. but i know nothing would ever change, i can put aside her illness and cant imagine what kind of stress that puts on her everyday, but i hate sticking around and supporting someone who doesnt help them selfs, and drinks and partys till she is so run down and cant go to work for a week.

i have done the best i could, and do love her so so so much, this is my 1st real break up ever, and i cant see myself getting over it

:sign0085:

 

[Guest]

i'm really sorry to hear your relationship has broken down and i'm sorry you feel some of our comments have made you sad.... but bringing a personal issue to a forum of people who are experienced in this kind of illness, and the emotional & physical issues it brings into our lives, you were bound to get observations & opinions from 'outsiders' who can very often see things more clearly than those who are wrapped up in the situation personally.

from your last post, it seems that there were many problems between you and your ex - not just those connected to Crohn's Disease... and in time, when the initial grief has passed, you will probably look back and realise that these issues were just not going to allow it to be a mutually successful forever relationship.

you'll be ok... and there will be the ideal partner for you out there - just give yourself time to get over this, treat yourself kindly, and think of that relationship as a learning curve. you're young - you're only 21, and although age doesn't change how deeply we hurt when a relationship breaks down, being that young does mean that you're at the very beginning of your journey into adult relationships.

i hope you find a way of settling all this in your mind - you didn't fail her - if you two had been perfect for each other, you wouldn't have split up.

 

[gypsigirl28]

I to am sorry that the two of you could not make things work out. like Dingbat said it sounds like there were other issues besides the crohns that you had problems with. I agree with you that you can not help someone who does not want to help themselfs.

I understand that you are hurting right now, but give yourself some time and you will get past it. We all learn from living through situations and this will be one of those times.

Take care of yourself, I wish you the best....

 

[support]

i just dont know how i am going to get through this, some moments i am fine, other i break down, i just came from the toilets at my work, i went there just so i could cry, i cant stop thinking about her, and dont want to, it just breaks my heart that we wont work out

 

[kello82]

hey support.

im 20, and had a very similar situation as you. relationship wise...the sex issue was not as much of a factor as i never felt comfortable going that far with him, but regardless...the relationship crumbled when i started to get very sick.
i mean i had always been sick, but allright....but when things really started going downhill for me it was just not easy for us.

thing is, the side of your gf that she shows when she is well and feeling good...that side has to go away when she doesnt feel good. so she shifted into a different version of herself while you stayed relatively the same...i mean i think you tried to adjust very well though....but its different when you have no choice and it just happens you know?
and thats the thing about love and being right for eachother. i belive that we have to LOVE every facet of our partners, and be able to adjust our OWN facects to mesh with how our partner is. then when circumstance changes again....the facet of the COUPLE can change.
by no means to you have to like every side of eachother, but be able to BE the partner this version of YOUR partner needs.

point that im trying to make is....maybe you two are just not able to mesh right now. and thats ok! its ok that people change and cant adjust to eachother. and i dont mean just you, i mean always, for everyone. when your person shifts for whatever reason, you would need the same adjustments and acceptance from her. that YES you are a different part of yourself right now, but that you are still you and she loves you.
that to me is the essence of understanding.

so obviously this did not happen in my relationship....he just couldnt adjust to my change. i felt terrible for being this darker side of myself and not being a good partner anymore, but its not so much a choice. he started feeling used as well...like he would give me a backrub or stroke my hair and when i was so sick i didnt do things like that for him. and he would get mad at me over it....when i didnt even ask him for those things in the first place. he treated me and the relationship just the same as he did when the circumstance was totally different.
and it sucked, yeah....but i know i cant hold it against him too much. these arent skills we just are born with and magically have, it takes some serious figuring out and learning. we are all learning. so i hope this isnt making you feel bad, im just trying to say that its just a fact of life that people cannot be who they need eachother to be sometimes....and its not to blame on either side.

feel free to shoot me a pm if you want to have more of an in depth convo.

 

[support]

thank you all guys for you support, this is my 1st break up and i know alot of you have been through it aswell. i just feel like i want to die, this is the 1st day we would have not spoken, i havnt seen her for 3 days which is also the longest, after sum1 has been in your life everyday for a yr and be so involved its so hard even to think that there not going 2 be there anymore, but i feel like if we get back that i disrespect all my friends and family that have given me support through this. i know i nee to stick to my guns, but i just want to pick up my phone and tell her how much i miss her.

 

[HLR88]

Hi, I'm new to this... I'm 23 and was diagnosed with crohn's last week, I have been suffering for 2 and a half years. I have been in a relationship for the past 18 months, and I know my boyfriend feels exactly the same as you. We have struggled with this problem for the best part of our relationship. I love him so much but I just can't help my lack of interest in that area at times. I know he feels unwanted and like I don't fancy him. Which is not true. I just don't know how to fix things. We are on a break at the minute and I'm not sure if we are ever going to get back on track. I have just started my medication and in a lot of pain at the minute. I'm hoping things will improve and I can have the love of my life back. Please stick by her. I understand your frustration my bf is also 21. So at that age of course it's going to be an issue. I just thought it would be good to hear from a girls point of view. As I bet your gf feels the same as me. At least I know I'm not the only one struggling with this issue.

X

 

[Gculk]

Hi, I'm new to this... I'm 23 and was diagnosed with crohn's last week, I have been suffering for 2 and a half years. I have been in a relationship for the past 18 months, and I know my boyfriend feels exactly the same as you. We have struggled with this problem for the best part of our relationship. I love him so much but I just can't help my lack of interest in that area at times. I know he feels unwanted and like I don't fancy him. Which is not true. I just don't know how to fix things. We are on a break at the minute and I'm not sure if we are ever going to get back on track. I have just started my medication and in a lot of pain at the minute. I'm hoping things will improve and I can have the love of my life back. Please stick by her. I understand your frustration my bf is also 21. So at that age of course it's going to be an issue. I just thought it would be good to hear from a girls point of view. As I bet your gf feels the same as me. At least I know I'm not the only one struggling with this issue.

X

Lol, too late kiddo. Almost 2 years too late. :rof: