One for the ladies! (Boys read if you dare!)

[soupdragon69]

Hair Removal....

I don't know who originally wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...THE
WAX!
Read on.........



My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind
for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those

'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips

together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them
to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am
mechanically inclined en ough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get
out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
skin
around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body
hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down
to the
inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do
I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the

hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am
touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need
to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think
to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in

scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago
to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my
butt
and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where
the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While
we go
through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off
with a
razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered
in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving
the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm

pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this

event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of
my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief
and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair colour......

 

[Kev]

I could never pass on a dare... And, although hair removal is mostly the domain of the female half of the population, some men do it too... And, no, they aren't all gay. I recall the body builders getting ready for competition who had to under go similar treatment... wellll, perhaps no 'hoo ha'... but legs, back and chest hair (including the nipple region. guys said it felt like sticking a nipple in a mouse trap.. I wouldn't know)
I DO know that, having heard these 'horror' stories from the guys at the gym, when I needed to prep myself for my vascetomy, I opted for the razor approach.. regardless of the risk. So, to all of the ladies out there who wax (whatever or where-ever) and to the bodybuilders of either gender, I tip my hat to all of you. It's evident that you are made of braver stuff than I. Now, having said all of that:

The circus was wrapping up and headed for their wintering grounds in Florida. one of the main attractions of the Side Show Carnival Extravagance, the Fat Lady (her choice of moniker) wanted to head to the nearest spa for a very thorough waxing so she would be ready for the beach. Picking the nearest one at random (never a wise idea), she waltzed in, had the 'works' procedure, then was given her 'bill'. It was for an (she thought) completely inordinant amount, and she refused to pay it.
The police were called... The Fat Lady complained, she thought it was 'criminal'.. The police were forced to investigate... Their conclusion?.. Well, it wasn't a crime..

(You ready?)



No, it was just a big rip off!

 

[soupdragon69]

I didn't think you would be able to somehow! ;-)

You are right though bout the body builders etc and good to know you took wise counsel pre-op!!

Jan

 

[Kev]

Thanx SD... although it took awhile to build up the nerve to tackle the shaving with my traditional straight razor... worst part of the whole procedure... that is except for the long term health affects that having a vascetomy have on a male.. (but we didn't know that way back then)...

Actually, I was half expecting the ladies of the site would rise up in arms and attempt to tar and feather me for the circus lady story... Guess I underestimated them, else I overestimated how many would read it... And speaking of reading, I would love to know who the author of the adventures in waxing story is/was. It sounds vaguely reminiscint (sp?) of the late, great Erma Bombeck, but I don't think she tackled issues quite this risque... Whoever it is, I'd love to read more of her...

 

[soupdragon69]

I have no idea Kev who penned the said waxing story at all - a friend sent it to me yesterday. Will ask where she found it and see what else there is that may be reasonable!

I have to say I thought it would set one or two really giggling but no comments as you say on your story or mine. Perhaps they are all "stuck" doing other things??

Can understand your wariness when shaving pre-op - have done a few of those in my time for patients - lets just say I opted not to when I had the shakes after taking my asthma inhalers :ylol2:

Jan

 

[Kev]

Hey Jan.. Well, if you dig up any info, eveb if it's a story 'too' whatever to be posted here, I'd appreciate it if you'd pass it along to me via pm, etc.. I think the writer is a real gem... and that no one should underestimate the healing power of humour. It may be that some folks feel that jokes, esp. those that are poliitically incorrect or of a 'risque' nature dont' belong on a site where people talk about 'serious' health issues
ME? I think the all too serious side of severe illness NEEDS to be balanced with just as many good thoughts as you can get... even if just from some old and tired jokes.

As for you and your post inhalor trembles, I promise that I will steal that the first time I write a comedy about hospitals... I have a lot of first hand material, but the image of a nurse with shaking hands about to prep a patient for surgery is a hoot.
And I learned the hard way to always listen to nurses, esp experienced nurses.

 

[DanSJVDavis]

I read 'em. Pretty funny. Haven't had a lot of time to comment much on here past several days though. Getting hectic and about to get moreso.

 

[soupdragon69]

Hi Kev,

I agree we have to see the funny side of things - life is too short to be a sober sides 100% of the time. I am pretty much a "glass is half full" person and things are really bad if I have lost my sense of humour. My GP says he can tell how sick I am by my level of sarcasm and humour (hides).

Feel free to borrow my comments and let me know when you do get round to writing sommat on that side of things.

Will PM you if I come up with any more info on the writer too.

Hi Dan,

Good to see you appreciated them and also to see you around. Glad things are going well for you too!

 

[D Bergy]

Does sound like Irma Bombeck. It is one funny story.

Sometimes I can't help but make a serious situation a little more interesting.

I only know this story from my wife since I was not present at the time.

When I had my stricture surgery I set up a prank for my parents who were in the waiting room after surgery.

I asked the surgeon if he would tell my parents that he found some kind of ridiculous object in my guts that was plugging me up. He was a good natured kind of guy and said he would come up with something. My wife was in on the prank. Of course, I told him it may be in poor taste to go through with the prank if I died on the table or some other unfortunate incident took place.

When the doctor came out after surgery and announced that he had found a pacifier stuck in my intestines my mothers jaw dropped and she couldn't say a word. My wife was covering her mouth to keep from laughing. My father just said "you have got to be kidding" with a serious look on his face. The surgeon had a dog that had to have an operation to remove a pacifier so that is where he got that idea from. He was a good actor and kept them going briefly.

I think my mother was a little mad afterwards and she also broke a blood vessel in one eye right after that so I felt bad about that. Her blood pressure must have hit the roof.

Some weeks later a person I knew from church came up to me and said "Did they really find a pacifier in you?". Apparently the rumor had got around and now it was going around as an urban legend of sorts. It kind of made the surgery a little more entertaining than it otherwise would have been. I do think I underestimated how worried my mother was though. I am not too excitable so I can see why I did not realize this beforehand.

D Bergy

 

[Kev]

Hey Dan... hope the 'hectic' is of the 'good' type.. and to Soup.. life always seems to favour the 'half full' type... I hope your cup runneth over. And to D Bergy.. pranks in the hospital, huh? Reminds me of my dad. He was an accomplished practical joker
EVEN when he was hospitalized. I don't think he stopped to consider the downside of playing pranks on the staff... yet they never retaliated, and were generally sad to see him released.. as were the other patients who seemed to revell in the laughter his pranks created during his stay. Frinstance, he had one of those plastic BMs', and when asked for a stool sample.. he placed it and tissue in a bed pan... notified the nurse that he had complied with the request,, and then he and the rest of the ward spied while she attempted to break some off with one of those little wooden sticks into a lab container... took her a few tries, with the BM skating around the bed pan.. to realize she'd been had.. that and the howls of laughter coming from the patients in the ward... He also had in his collection both a phoney 'shrunken' head (like something you'd see in a B grade horror movie) and a full size skeleton head mask... Well, he placed the former strategically under his hospital gown, and told the nurse that he noticed a bizarre growth in the area of his incision... when she pulled back his gown to check it, she got quite the start... with the skull head, he fashioned his pillows to immitate the outline of his body under the blankets, then positioned the 'head' where his own would be, covered it up with remaining blankets, then hid in the adjoining closet to wait for the night nurse to make her rounds. his ward neighbour was in on it all, and his part was to tell the nurse that he was worried about my dad... that he'd wasn't feeling keen, had retired early, and had been making some funny noises. Hearing that, esp. when 'dad' wouldn't respond to his name being called, the night nurse pulled back the covers... just as dad popped out of the closet behind her.. Well, it more than startled her... she almost fainted.. sometimes pranks go a bit too far..

 

[D Bergy]

Your dad sounds like my kind of guy. Thanks for all of the good ideas!

D Bergy

 

[Kev]

Well, there are practical jokes, then there are 'PRACTICAL JOKES'. One of the places where I worked, we had a habit of pulling practical jokes on the last day of any of our employees who left to go work elsewhere.. Everyone knew it, and everyone sort of expected it.. like it was a rite of passage. This place, a modern steel structure, was like one of those giant, EZ Bake ovens.. only the office spaces had A/C, and that was because of the computer equipment. The production floor wasn't, and during the summer months, became a real sweatshop. Anyway, as a result, the company regs regarding proper attire were great relaxed during these times. One of our employees was a body builder, and the reaction to some of the clothing choices opted to wear was mixed amongst our female staff. some of them were 'outwardly' opposed to his mucsle shirts, while other ladies were very much in favour. Anyway, on his last day, with him expecting some form of practical joke, we loaded his car air vents with confetti, set the blower on hi, and when he started his car, he was hit with a little confetti storm... no harm done, no traffic accidents, as it happened in the parking lot.. Anyway, he thought.. "Ok, ha ha, its over".. Little did he realize that it was a decoy.. it wasn't the real practical joke at all. We had printed off a banner, ran it the length of the passenger side of his car, and he never noticed it. He drove away, then went to a nearby bank to withdraw some funds... found a great parking spot in front of the bank.. and went inside. He was still dressed in his summer style, shorts and muscle shirt... and he assumed the looks he was getting was the 'typcial' female reaction to his attire/physique. it wasn't till he was leaving the bank that he noticed the banner on his car outside. It read, in foot high letters that ran 15 or more feet long.. "GAY RIGHTS, THE TIME IS NOW!" Now, keep in mind that this was way back in the early eighties. It was the ladies who were outwardly opposed to his work attire that set him up. They staged the whole thing... and were the ones who came up with the decoy idea so he would be less likely to go looking for his practical joke, and catch the banner...
priceless. in the end, he got a laugh out of it, but never went back to that bank...

 

[D Bergy]

It appears that the ladies are quite good at practical jokes. Here I thought it was largely the males specialty. That was at least a nine out of a possible ten.

D Bergy

 

[soupdragon69]

OOh yes we are good at them you have been warned! LOL

Think I get mine from my dad though!

He was in hospital for an eye operation. When I went to visit him he was playing at "putt the tomato into the bin". Know what they did? One guy in the bay was blind the rest all had diminished eyesight - the one that was blind also used walking sticks and had turned them the wrong way round to use as a "putter". The rest of the boys were yelling directions at him to hit their fresh tomatoes into the bin that had been put on its side. The place was in uproar with squashed tomatoes and laughing staff and patients!

Later the same day my dad got a salad for his tea and thought the others were playing a trick on him cause he couldnt get any of it off the plate. Turned out there was clingfilm over the plate that they forgot to take off and he couldnt see it so he was thinking they were tricking him and was squinting trying to spot them giggling again!

Amazing what you get up to when you are bored in hospital...

 

[soupdragon69]

A few years ago we went to visit a family friend in hospital...

He had got chatting to the guy in the bed opposite him and they were talking about having their evening meal..

Both decided they wanted a boiled egg but Ron said he was a bit hungry and would be disappointed if he got a small egg to eat rather than a big one. The guy opposite agreed and they wanted to put a message on their menu to make sure they didnt get a small egg.

Ron said I know I will put on here L in brackets beside boiled egg so they know I want a large egg. The guy opposite said no if you put L they will think you want a LITTLE egg and that will be what you get!

Ron said OK I will put S in brackets then beside boiled egg so they know I want more than one egg! The guy opposite said no if you put S they will definately think you want a SMALL egg and you lose again!

Ron thought a while and grinned then wrote his message. The guy opposite said "what did you write then so I can put it too?"

Ron said EGGS (PLURAL) FROM A LARGE CHICKEN PLEASE!

Completely true.... and they both got 2 eggs.

 

[Kev]

OK, since this whole thread started about pubic hair, let me toss in another 'original' (WARNING... following is not for the squemish .. anyone easily offended shouldn't go any further..)

QUESTION: How can you tell if body lice (AKA 'crabs') are really, really, really tired?


ANSWER: They curl up in a ball and go to sleep!

 

[soupdragon69]

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Thats awful!!

Am sitting here cringing!:voodoo:

 

[Kev]

Hey, didn't you read the warning? OK, here's one I wrote just for St Patricks Day...

(WARNING... The visual imagery this joke creates can be extremely difficult to remove from one's thought pattern)

QUESTION Why is Irish Coffee so commomplace, yet Irish Tea so rare?

ANSWER You ever try to convince a Leprechaun to soak his bag in your tea cup?

 

[DanSJVDavis]

I had a stepfather that told me once how the special forces gets rid of crabs. They shave one side of their pubes and then set the other side on fire and when the crabs come running out of the blaze they stab 'em with an icepick.

He was a green beret in Vietnam.

 

[Kev]

He must have been an officer.. Enlisted weren't issued 'icepicks'.. OK, I shouldn't joke about the military. But I think your step dad would have laughed at it too...

My uncle lost his leg in the war, and as kids (who apparently didn't know better) we'd tap on his artificial leg.. yet he never scolded us, or treated us like the morons that we behaved like. I mean, we were VERY young.. not even in school yet. Guess he accepted that we thought it was different, yet we didn't treat him as different, if you know what I mean. anyway, no need to get all philosophical in a joke thread.

If you know any WW II era vets, ask them to tell you how VD was treated pre a/b's..
In the pre-penicillin days, the doc's used an instrument that looked like a minature umbrella, made out of surgical steel, except there was no cloth cover on umbrella. i'll stop at this point, cause the rest is definitely not for the squemish amongst us, ok?

 

[DanSJVDavis]

Makes yer peepee shrivel up just thinkin' about it, don't it?

 

[Kev]

OK, here's another original... written just now for the amusement of anyone who has ever had a colonoscopy. What did the GI say when he peered into the end of his old endoscope and saw a religous icon in his patients colon? Anyone care to guess????













"HOLY SHIT!"