Relationships

[jessicatisdale1987]

Hello!

I'm feeling pretty crummy about certain recent events. I'd like to know if and how your CD or UC has affected your personal and professional relationships.

Sometimes it is hard to get out of a funk, especially when others around you don't understand, and sometimes it helps to hear the stories of others in your position.

 

[FrozenGirl]

Well to start, no one outside my fam knows I have UC so I spend a lot of time thinking of excuses for why I'm not working, at school etc. Its hard with my fam. I feel like they don't get it. They try but it is hard when you don't know the feeling. My mom for example likes to say oh your next colonoscopy wont be that bad, never mind my first was the worst pain I have ever had and she has never had one. I know she is trying to be comforting but it strains our relationship as I feel she is being dismissive. My relationship with my brother got worse because suddenly all this attention is on me, even though I'm the older, adult sibling. My dad doesn't really understand so he just tried to be around when I need him, which is good enough for me.

Never mind when I feel bad and snap at everyone sometimes they get hurt and I feel bad. At times I just want to wallow in my misery and have someone say, yeah that sucks, but my mom just wants to make it better.

 

[jessicatisdale1987]

I'm glad you are realizing they are just trying to help I think that is the best they can do without having it themselves. Is there a reason you have chosen not to tell anyone else?

 

[GKDABC1]

Hi I understand about how Crohns or as I call it the ****** disease affects relationships.My mother blames it for when I am in a bad mood.I blame it for everything even when it rains.
I have had the ****** disease over 25 years the last 3 with an ileostomy.My partner off 7 years and her kids just accept it and get on with life,my friends are very defensive and accept it,they laugh at my jokes about it and that makes me smile.I let people know what I have so they get a grip and stop moaning about having a cold or feeling a little un well.
I get angry but I always try and smile as if I dont then its beaten me which it never will.You will find your own way off dealing with it and who you decide to tell will accept it or they are worth nothing.
Just finishing my fourth 12 hour night shift as a law enforcement officer in the UK.Sorry about any spelling mistakes tired at the moment ....
Since I had the bag put on I am better but I do miss farting.........

 

[jessicatisdale1987]

Haha! I'm not too familiar with the bag just yet. Care to elaborate? What you said about the colds made me think of this picture.

Ugh. It won't let me post it, but it is a guy saying "I have a cold" and another guy saying "My body has waged war upon itself". The first guy gets wide eyes and walks away.

 

[Cross-stitch gal]

Outside of work, I don't have a whole lot of friends. However, enough people at work do know about my UC. Majority of those who already knew were the ones I shared our ongoing petition with. Most of what they've understood is that when I have to use the bathroom to let me go.

My family all knows. I even have one cousin with UC, so IBD does run in my family. But, my husband and I just deal with my UC the best we can. That's all we can do.

 

[FrozenGirl]

Well I find that the few people that know outside immediate fan, (extended) just feel sorry for me. Every conversation ends up being oh how are you doing, are your meds working etc. Sometimes I just want to say I'm fine and drop it. My boss knows I have a chronic illness ( had to explain last minute days off) and her response was "oh, but your okay now?" I would rather not be 'that friend'.

 

[The Real MC]

I haven't had any issues with personal or professional relationships. I am brief with colleagues/family and they don't need to know all the details. If they want to know more they can ask. I keep my boss and immediate family up to date as they are the ones who "need to know".

 

[mramsden]

UC and CD are always going to affect your relationships in some way. But they don't have to ruin them. I was diagnosed with CD several years before meeting my wife. I'm not a very private person, but I think I was also a bit nervous about things, and I spilled all the beans on our first date. She didn't run, and there you go - 10 years and 3 kids later we're still at it. CD or UC is part of who you are - you have to treat it with the same balance of honesty and discretion that you would treat any other intimate detail. In my case, I'm the type of person who shares lots, and I've ended up with a partner that can deal with that!

With friends, I've found everyone has a different comfort level with details. I don't hide my CD from anyone, and sometimes I'm sure I share a bit too much, but you can usually tell and back off a bit. Friends in the medical profession, or with similar experiences are great to talk to. Most of my close friends will ask how I'm doing if I've lost weight recently, or ask for a small portion at dinner. And occasionally I totally gross everyone out with TMI - nobody *really* wants to know what colorectal abscesses are.

I'm fortunate to work at an organization that gives me plenty of leeway to work from home when I'd be miserable at the office. I think that would the toughest part for me, if I had a job that didn't let me work remotely. Depending on where you are in life, a career with some flexibility is something to think about.

I hope your funk clears soon.

 

[worriedboy]

Hello!

I'm feeling pretty crummy about certain recent events. I'd like to know if and how your CD or UC has affected your personal and professional...

100% absolutely yes.
For me, it impacts almost every relationships. It has put me into complex and un pleasent situations that I had to figure and get myself out of by myself. Some lessons I learned :

1) If you "decide" to love, try to love with every cell in your body
2) You have to assume that you are on your own; as much as possible, maybe sometimes to a ridiculous degree, you have to manage by yourself [this of course may not be applicable to those who has someone to count on and at the same time dont mind doing that - this is an amazing proviledge and I encourage you to do that if you have such an option]
3) Many people dont want to hear about your condition. They want to talk about their ski vacation, or which camera they are going to buy next, or at which hour their baby farted last night [sorry, I got in the zone]. While it used to bother me, it no longer does. I accept it and in a way I am glad it is that way. I see it today as a "natural" interaction.
4) Sometimes there are surprises with relationships. When God sends you a real friend, dont let him/her go. This to say, keep an open mind. I came to realize that it is so much more important the character of your friends, than for exaple how long you know them.
5) During hard times, with SO it is either a breakup or a breakthrough. If you are able to love and manage through them, there is a good chance that you communicate well.
6) I share details only when (a) they ask , and, (b) they really want to know and are really interested.
Otherwise I almost never bring it up if not necessary, besides with my SO.
7) As someone said before, I try to keep my boss up to date if there are special circumstances. Not TMI though, just the bottom line or two.


OWO, it came much longer than I thought... this issue has been keeping my mind busy, apperantly.

 

[jessicatisdale1987]

Thank you ALL for replying!

I probably should have been more specific but I was upset with myself at the time of my original post, so here is exactly my issue at this time.

I've been down lately, which I am assuming is coming from exhaustion, though I manage to get 6-8 hours of sleep a night. I can't think straight. Subsequently, when my man and I have a bad day, which everyone does, it turns into a bad couple of days because I recently have not been my usual big-picture self. Meaning I normally don't let little things get to me, ESPECIALLY in my relationship with my SO. But lately it has just been easier just to stay mad, despite his amazingly wonderful attempts to verbally tell me, "Let's not worry about this because at the end of the day we still love each other". Thankfully he realizes I'm a little exhausted/depressed and is so, so forgiving. I just feel so guilty for being so moody about tiny things. What makes me more upset is my normal self pep talk has not been working at all. Maybe I'm just being a child, or maybe I am just subconsciously using him as a punching bag. It's kind of a roller coaster.

Work is another issue. I have never been the most bubbly of characters, even in my best moods, and I juuuuust started a new job. You all know what that means. FLARE! Ugh. I have started off on the worst possible note with these folks. My boss is noticing. I HATE having to use my CD as an excuse, but what else can I do? She thinks I am unhappy there, when in fact, it is my most favorite job so far!

I have been pondering visiting a psychiatrist to see if they can offer anything for mood and energy levels (I've upped my Vitamin D) but something tells me that the Crohn's monster won't have it. Does anyone have experience with this?

Thanks again. Sorry for the rant.

 

[Aos]

This disease impacts so many aspects of my life is sucks. I have had to switch jobs because of it. I went on FMLA b/c I was having a rough flare and needed a lot of time off for appointments and just to help get me back to healthy. They accepted this, however, it was very clear that I would not be able to "move jobs laterally or upwardly" but just stuck in my position as they cannot fire me either. So I left. I got my new job when I was feeling better, well bam, had abscess needed surgery, then another, then another. I had three surgeries in a 2 months and these are surgeries where you can't "sit" anymore for a bit. I hid the third and pushed through work anyways so it woudln't look bad. I then had to explain that I am now needing time off for infusions, it sucks. People pressure me to drink at happy hour and I don't b/c it'll destroy me, they pressure me to eat out which I don't either b/c I follow a diet that I hope will work for me. I get a lot of why don't you do anything, well I never feel the energy too. Its so f*ing hard and very depressing.

I am lucky and have my boyfriend who is so understanding. I even told him in the beginning that when I get sick (flare) I'm no fun and will drain the energy out of everything, he still said so, I will take care of you. And he does. Though that means we don't go skiing when he wants and do other things. Luckily he's an indoor guy most the time.

I find myself getting unreasonable bitter at people who wine about basic illnesses, or who eat whatever the **** they want and have no issues or just have the best luck in the world and don't deserve it. I get angry. Then cry. Then move on. I (this last two years) can't remember what healthy feels like. But I know I can get there, just sad to see some good years pass trying to get there.

I think finding others with the disease can be a real help, reach out to local support and try to find others like you, you can bitch together and be lazy together etc

 

[sidney75]

Getting married in September and my SO proposed to me in between hospital stays. The primary way it affects my relationships is he and our boys worry - and I worry about them worrying. Because my CD presents with constipation followed by obstructions I am asked multiple times a day "did you poop?" when I am flaring. It wouldn't surprise me if they put a poop reporting form in the bathroom. You'd never believe that in a house with 5 men, the woman is the one who talks about pooping and farting. Ironic really. I do feel guilty for not doing my share of the housework when I am not feeling well, but I try to make up for it when I am. My parents are still in denial, but hey, I'm 40 and that's their process to navigate.
Overall not so much as of yet, and my goal is not to let it.

 

[POTTYTIME!]

I tell family and friends so if I ever have an accident or problem then all thats around me is understandable about the situation. I am married so I dont have to deal with the dating issues. Im sure people dating has a harder time because they dont want to have to explain to new people, why they need to be close to a bathroom, or why you have a extra pair of clothing and butt wipes.