Sigh....looks like it is over.....vent...

[Lisa]

sigh....looks like it is over.....vent...

Well - many of you know that I have been having some marital problems latesly...well, they havne't gotten any better - in fact worse. So much so, I told my husband last night he needed to make an appointment to see a therapist/counselor TODAY....

He is not happy hedre at home - he doesn't like that he is so far away (75 miles) from his 'home'...yup...he doesn't consider here as home.....says he can't deal with all the little things.....he hasn't gotten it that even though he may say something to me - I may not hear it...been telling him that for MONTHS...also that my memory is CRAP......but everything is my fault...from not filling the usgar bown when it is empty (like HE couldn't fill it when it starts to get empty ?!?!?!)...to my not loading the dishwasher properly, or laundry - or folding laundry...yet HE SAYS I wan't thinkgs my way all the time - HA!....

I'm really thinking this is over between us - but he thinks if he moves back to where his original friends (and parents) are, things will be FINE.....or at least better...well - he won't have me to bark at, or get pissed at and throw a temper tantrum (which is really what his fits are) - and break things...like the dish last night.....

Oh - and the mixedd messages....we had a pretty good talk last week - he told me he wanted this past weekend away (annual trip) to have nothing to do with 'home'....ok, I could eal with that - in fact took our daughter out most of Saturday so he could visit etc....Fri night he compained because I wanted to go to bed early (was TIRED) - said I was unsociable.....Sat night I hung out for a bit outside with some people, then decided to go up to the firehouse (we were at a fire department sponsored weekend) to see the band playing.....he seemed upset becaise I actually had some fun up there - danced....and he said I never dance with him - which is not true..... the times we have gone dancing have been at his fire department functions where I am dressed up and in heels...which HURT dammit!

Anyway - I am looking into my options- am hoping that no matter what happens I can keep the house - that is the important thing - to keep a constant in my daughters' life...although my Mom is aware of what is going on, and did offer the option of moving in there if I really needed to.....

I've gone so far as to start looking up forms on line, and making a list of 'his' and 'hers'.......

 

[tiloah]

Oh honey. There's nothing for me to say except I'm here for you. I hope whatever happens you get the best outcome you can for you and your family, even if that means splitting up. If you ever need anything from me just let me know. I'm even here to talk if you need someone outside of the forum. *big hugs*

 

[kllyeve]

You can't make him happy - he either is or isn't. His contentment and satisfaction with his life is his own responsibility.

Hang in there!!

 

[taxdaycrohnie]

I'm so sorry! I can sense your hurt, frustration, and anger coming through, and wish I could give you huge hug and offer you some comfort. I'm glad your Mom is being supportive - she will help you get through this.

 

[beth]

He sounds ill. And you are right he needs to see a therapist, quickly.

Hope everything works out whatever happens.

 

[Crohn's 35]

Hi Paso, first of all I am sorry that this is happening to you, but as I have learned in my past marriage, YOU are not responsible for his happiness, only your own. If little things bother him, he won't be able to deal with the big things. Life is too short to be arguing over little stuff that essentially don't matter. Marriage is give and take and he is taking more than his share, because some men do go through a mid-life crisis, seen it so many times... If you are able to keep the house and can afford it, do it. Don't lose everything because your marriage isnt working.

Having a soul mate is so rare today, and honesty and trust is so important. He needs help but most men don't seek it. So easy to pass the buck. YOU have to make decisions on your life and family. Trust me I have been there, in the end the little stuff is a scapegoat to have excuses. If you need me I am there. Hugs. Hope you are ok.

 

[muppet]

Not to keep piling on, but what Spooky1 says is very very close to the core of the matter: he wants out of the marriage. He is throwing out any and every excuse (your horses, seriously?) to validate and rationalize his desire not to be married because he wants you to believe it is your fault and not his. He's probably afraid of what you'll do to him in court.

Don't put up with him a minute longer. It's a shame that you're going to have to deal with this while you're sick, but it's better in the long run even though it will REALLY SUCK right now.

Let us know if we can do anything from a bazillion miles away.

 

[DMS]

I cannot put it any better than what Pen and many other have said - so just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers, take care of yourself - so that you can be there for your daughter,
(((hugs)))

 

[Jessica]

Nothing I can say really. Best wishes. Follow through and stand firm. Remember that you need to be happy as well. This isn't just about him. Gut feelings aren't just related to Crohn's.
:heart:

 

[Carrie630]

*hugs* Paso. we're here for you if you need to vent. Everyone has said what really needs to be said. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It's not easy.

and re: the unsociable thing.. I used to get that from an ex as well. It's as if _we_ have to be up for socializing in order for them to enjoy themselves. I don't know why. If it's a guilt thing, no one should feel guilty because they're having fun when someone else is sleeping or whatever. It just is what it is. One of the hardest things my wife and I had to work out was the extreme difference in sociability due to me being ill.

 

[tiloah]

to my not loading the dishwasher properly

Just a note - When I was told I wasn't loading the dishwasher "properly," I stopped loading it entirely! So you're a much bigger person than me to keep trying.

 

[Lisa]

well...update for now.....he did spend the night at his parents house last night - he already had a trip planned out there because he forgot some stuff our last trip out there....

I did talk to him this afternoon and he told me he had a panic attack today - spent about 3 hours in the van at a park and ride before he could continue his drive to work. nother sign that he needs to talk to someone who is NOT a friend etc.....

@Joan - unfortunately, it isn't that 'easy' for me to just pack up and move- oh, I could do it, but I've decided that since most of this is HIS issue - if someone was to leave it would be him....

He did also tell me today that he wants to talk to me about something - he did say it shouldn't upset me - I'm wondering now if he wants to try separating for a bit - which is something I would consider - especially if he was working on getting his mind set straight.....the big thing is being able to pay the bills - I do not want to lose the house over this - and with the market the way it is, who knows how long it would take to sell....I could probably find a smaller place for 2 of us - with land for the horses....or even just close enough to my Mom's to keep them there.

I also downloaded some forms (not sur eif I mentioned this above) - parenting agreement, and did some research as far as divorce - I'm not totally clear on if we would qualify to file for divorce outright, or would have to separate for a year first - the laws recently changed in NY.

I do know that I can't keep on with his outbursts - found out that in addition to a broken dish, a piece is broken in the dishwasher (probably from him throwing his shoe at it)....he also almost trampled the cat on purpose after he stepped on it - granted, it was lying in the middle of the floor with the clothes ready to go in the wash - but his reaction was soooo overboard.....another sign he needs help....

He also doesn't refer to his problem as an anger management problem - but that he gets rages...umm...isn't that all anger? .....

ok - enough venting for now - I have to teach this evening and really am NOT in the mood for it!

Good thing is he will be away again for 2 nights for work, back on Friday....and I am working Saturday all day teaching, and have some things planned for Sunday.....

 

[Spooky1]

yes, and while he's 'showing off' with his spoiled ways and going through his anger tantrums with his mum and dad i think you should have some 'girlie' time with your daughter and some girly time with the fillies! i'm so pleased you can see its him that is so irrational. he does have issues! hide the cat though please, and look after yourself

best wishes,
Diane

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Paso, I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. If I may offer some advice, from what I've seen it appears to be, as Joan said, better to (without him knowing) start talking to a lawyer and getting your ducks in a row sooner rather than later. A friend of mine is going through a rather nasty divorce at the moment. Her soon to be ex is pulling some really evil tricks. She has UC, RA, fibro, and a bunch of other stuff, and she's on disability - her ex somehow got the disability people to start sending her checks to him and he's been cashing them and keeping her money! He also emptied out their joint bank accounts and put all the $$ into his own private accounts. I don't mean to scare you with stories like this, but it sounds like your husband is a bit unstable anyway so who knows what he'd be capable of doing if he's feeling punitive. Protect yourself and your money so that you've got a better chance of keeping your home.

Hang in there, it sounds like a very rough patch for you, but it honestly also sounds like you'll be better off without him, especially with the anger issues you've described.

 

[Spooky1]

cat, send best wishes to your friend, none of us would like to be in that boat!

 

[Astra]

Hiya Lisa
Sorry, I meant to say that before I moved out, I chucked him out cos his anger suddenly went from kicking the dog to me!
I had a pile of broken plates, glasses, you name it. I knew it was only a matter of time before I copped it!
Like an angry dog, never turn your back on an angry man!
So, off he went back to his Mums. But, he still had a key and was in and out of our house like a fiddler's elbow! By law I couldn't change the locks cos his name is on the mortgage so he had a right.
So, that's when I became savvy, secured the mortgage and deeds, made sure they were still in my name too, froze the joint accounts etc. Started divorce proceedings etc, then moved out. He is still in our house and my name is still on the mortgage. And whether it takes 20 years or whether he dies, I will get that money for the house, or the house. I am biding my time, and I have all the time in the World!
And you know what everybody?
My sister phoned him when I was in hospital and he said 'what do you want me to do about it, she's made her bed, let her lie in it'
28 years, poof, gone, just like that!
And I don't regret a thing, best decision I've ever made.
Hope you get something sorted Lisa, splitting isn't fun, but neither is a relationship where one partner nit picks everything you do and say cos of their own insecurities, faults, anger issues or whatever.
You've got a great support system with your Mum, I never had my parents.
xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[LindaS]

I am sorry you are going through this. I would be worried that he could become violent towards you. If he's throwing things it isn't a big step for him to start throwing them at you. I agree with the others who have said to get your ducks in a row NOW, before you decide anything. I hope however this works out you are happy, safe and secure.

 

[RFarmer]

Aww Lisa... I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds, but your husband sounds like he's in a bit of mental distress. What you're saying seems deeper than just irritating little things... My non-professional advice? Counselor. Figure stuff out.

Either way, we're here for you. LOL (Lots of Love, hehe)

 

[DustyKat]

Hey Paso,

Man oh man, what a bloody awful time for you...:hug:

I agree with the moves you are making hun, start arming yourself with all the information you can.
His wanting to move back home is him running away and not dealing with his issues as an adult, he sees that as a solution but nothing will change, he will quickly fall into old habits and be back at square one.
As others have said, a relationship is give and take, compromise, if only one person is doing that then it is not a relationship.

I know this is a very difficult time for you and actions are easier said than done but you are heading in the right direction hun. He is not going to change when he doesn't think anything he does is wrong and he has an inability to take responsibility for his actions and behaviour.

The very least you deserve is to be treated with dignity and respect so be kind to yourself and seek a life that provides you with this. You will be happier, feel safer and healthier and that can't be a bad thing.

I wish you all the luck in the world hun.

Thinking of you. :heart:
Dusty. xxxxxxxx

 

[Astra]

Yup!
Key word - SAFE!
Good old Dusty, I'd forgotten about keeping safe, let us know how you're getting on Lisa
Lotsa luv xxxxxxxxx

 

[Jessi]

This sounds terribly familiar - from an entirely different point of view. My brother has anger issues, and often scared his poor little wife when he punched the couch pillows too near to her, among other things. It always left her wondering if he would try to hit HER next.

Long story short... she packed and left without him knowing. He came home to an empty house, his wife and baby daughter gone, and had himself a nice long panic attack, then fell into a deep depression.

Because he's my brother, I was able to see a similar story from a different perspective. He loves her madly - even still. He finally admitted that he has problems, and he went to a psychologist or psychiatrist. He now is facing the demon within him every day. He has admitted that he has anger - even physical anger, but he still swears to this day that he would have never even dreamt of hitting her.

In conversations that I have had with him, I have explained that the damage that he did to her is far worse than any physical action could have been. The emotional scars have a harder time healing.

It is a work in progress, but he has grown so much. With the women that he dates, he treats them so differently than I've ever seen him treat a woman in the past. He is good to them. Counseling has really helped him. But he never would've accepted that he had a problem until she left him. And his ex-wife is much happier now too... moving on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... You probably love your husband, and you probably sense that somehow he loves you, too, but you may not be able to continue living with him. Going your separate ways may be the only way he ever wakes up. Like my brother.

Maybe you don't need to do it behind his back, though. Perhaps you could talk gently with him about it over the phone while he's away. (That way, nothing in your house gets thrown.) You don't strike me as the yelling type, or the sneaking type. I could be wrong, though. You could tell him to send for his stuff, and you'll be keeping the house and your horses.

I love ya and hope that things work out. And I hope your horses get to stick around. Hang in there and be strong. :hug:

 

[Entchen]

Sending love and support, and yes, do keep yourself and your little ones safe.