Can't have kids because of Crohn's, need support

[afidz]

As the title suggests, because of complications that I have suffered from, I can't have kids. Its not that I can't conceive., I don't know whether I can or can not. Its the fact that my abdomen, my body, could never support a pregnancy. Getting pregnant could literally kill me.

I have known this for a little while now. I have grieved the loss of being able to have children over and over again. But I still can't accept it. I go through stages where I am ok. I pretty much just ignore it and don't think about it. But then someone brings it up, or like this week, someone announces a pregnancy.

I just got engaged in August. Andrew knows that I can't bear his children and he still chose to marry me. I am so grateful that I have such an understanding man in my life. But I feel so guilty. I keep thinking that I should leave him so he can be with someone who can have his children.

I know that adoption is an option, I am not saying its not. Someday, maybe we will adopt. This post isn't about the fact that I will never be a mother, because I will be. This post is about the fact that I will never get to experience the most beautiful gift that every girl growing up understands is her duty. I will never experience morning sickness or feeling that first kick or any of the other stuff that a woman goes through. And this is ALL because I trusted a doctor to do a colonoscopy. Thats the kicker. One test and the rest of my life is ruined. How am I supposed to deal with that?

 

[Jennifer]

For those who don't know afidz had a colonoscopy that perforated her bowel resulting in needing surgery. That surgery lead to complications resulting in another, then another, then another etc.

I'm sorry afidz. My heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[afidz]

Thanks, Jennifer. Forgot to explain that part

 

[Catherine]

Sorry

For only a short time l was in your position. Still remember almost 25 years later being be very happy for my friends showing off new baby but being very sad at the same time.

Try not feel guilty. This is not the path you can choose for yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

 

[Optimistic]

I'm really sorry.

You give such good advice and support for others here. I hope there are some members who can help you in the same way.

Best.

 

[Jmrogers4]

While not having been there myself, my mother-in-law was unable to have children so adopted two wonderful boys. She has often commented on not being able to experience pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Jack, I included her in everything, she went to my doctor appointments with me, was in the room when Jack was born and even cut the cord. She still thanks me (even though I tell her I wouldn't have had it any other way). Says that not being able to experience any of that herself it was the next best thing and even though she loves all her grandchildren, she and Jack do have a special bond.
She does also say that it was harder before she adopted her children but once they were in her life it didn't matter how they got there.
I don't know if that helps you any but sending you a giant virtual hug anyway.

 

[afidz]

My sister is the one who announced her pregnancy. I was very involved in her last pregnacy, not just the birth, the whole thing. I went to as many doctor appointments as I could, I timed what were thought to be contractions. I was able to watch my now 3 year old nephew come into the world. I am so thankful to have been a part of that, it was the most beautiful experience in my life. I have every intention of being as involved in this pregnancy, EXCEPT for the fact that this baby is scheduled to make its appearance with in a few days of my wedding.
I know I am being selfish. But I am upset that she is due near my wedding. I haven't had very many good things happen to me in the last decade. My wedding is supposed to be entirely about me and now its not. Even if she doesn't go into labor before my wedding, everyone is going to be asking her about her baby and how she's feeling at my wedding. I know she didn't do it on purpose, she wasn't going to have any more kids. I am not mad at her. The whole situation is making it harder on me. I want to be pregnant.
I broke down and started crying today. At a restaurant in front of Andrew. He just kept nodding is head and saying that he understood. He volunteered his friend, whom can't have kids, to talk to. I wouldn't mind talking to her, but I know that is who he goes to talk about his feelings about my inability to have kids. I don't want to take that from him because he needs that confidant as much as I do. This is just as hard on him than me. I need to find a way to get passed this, my sister needs me and I want to be there for her.

One of the things I brought up to Andrew when I started crying was that it wasn't fair that this doctor gets to just go about her day like she is a great doctor. She will never pay for ruining my life. For taking away something invaluable from me. Even if I did tell her how she destroyed my life, would she even care? No. She woudn't

 

[Optimistic]

Well, may I just say all of that totally sucks. I get it. You are dealing with a heavy load. Would you consider a counselor who can help you sort all this out? This is a lot to manage on your own, IMO.

Could we figure out a way to gave a huge celebration for you here leading up to your wedding? You can share all your plans and we will be very excited and interested!

 

[Kero]

Just want to send you many ((((hugs))))

 

[teeny5]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I wanted to be pregnant as well...did the whole fertility thing and then was told I was not a good candidate for any type of assisted reproductive procedures (ex. IVF). I feel the same emotions you do...happy for others, but sad for myself. Every birth announcement reminds me of something I will never get to experience. I don't want to feel that way, but I do. I too feel totally fine and ok and then all of a sudden I am crying and depressed about it.

I have mixed feelings about adoption. Maybe for some it is an easy decision. For me I still feel like if it was meant to be, it would have happened.

I truly feel for you. You can PM me if you ever need to vent or chat.