Lily is still eating well and seems to be feeling reasonably well. But, I was petting her yesterday evening, and I found a new lump.
It's on her ribcage in the right armpit area - I'm guessing it's a lymph node? She doesn't have a lump in the left armpit area, only on the right side, I kept checking both sides to make sure I wasn't imagining things. It seems like her cancer is really spreading fast, which makes sense because hemangiosarcoma is an aggressive and fast-spreading cancer in dogs. But it sucks, a lot. I have mostly left the anger phase and went right back to depression & crying. After I found the lump last night, I went into the shower and just cried. I'm losing my dog so quickly. When they said that average survival rate with this cancer is 3 months, I sort of assumed I'd have 3 months with her. But it's only been 1 week since her diagnosis of cancer, and we've learned that it's already spread to probably 3 new spots at least - it started in the spleen, the vets confirmed that the cancer spread to the omentum (the fatty layer that covers the intestines), they think it spread to the brain hence the seizures, and now my guess is that it's spread to the lymph nodes too. With all of this happening, there's no way she's got 3 months left. I'd be surprised if she has one month left.
I was thinking about taking a bike ride tomorrow morning. But since I went back to the crying phase, my guts went back to feeling unhappy (they were not happy for the whole time that I was previously in the crying phase). I'm right back to nausea, no appetite, and some abdominal pain. So I don't know if a bike ride is wise. Probably not. I'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow, but it's looking like the plan is to rest when I'm in the crying phase and exercise when I'm in the anger phase. My guts feel better when I'm in the anger phase, but I also feel like I want to swear at and punch everybody, so I need an outlet for that, which is exercise. But right now, in the crying phase, I just need to get through it.
I'm exhausted too and I can't sleep in. Lily's been waking up at about 4 AM every day lately because she has to urgently go potty, she can't hold her bladder for longer than that even though we take her out to go potty right at bedtime (10 PM). Hubby is going out of town this morning and won't be back until Sunday night, he and his boss have an event they're going to go work at which is several hours away. So it's just me and Lily. I don't want anything bad to happen this weekend, but I'm also mentally preparing myself in case I do have to have her put down (hubby has told me to do what needs to be done and not to wait for him to get home if that situation should occur). My mom and brother are coming down for a visit tomorrow, so at least I won't be alone the whole time. And I have several friends on standby who have offered to come with me if I do need to take Lily in to be put down. Just thinking about that makes me cry, I have some good supportive people in my life. But I'm still slightly terrified about being alone with hubby so far away all weekend. I'm just going to do my best to take care of Lily and myself and get through it. And hopefully she'll be okay all weekend and I won't have to do the difficult thing without hubby.
So yeah. I see some naps in my future this weekend. And probably a lot of resting, watching movies, crocheting, maybe some sewing. I don't really have any spending money since we spent so much on vet bills, so I'll likely mostly stay in, and will go on a bike ride if I'm feeling up for it.