Crohns and Relationships....

[f_else]

Hey, I was just wondering if anyone has some good advice relating to being in a relationship and having crohns. I've been with my partner for three years now and am really beginning to struggle with maintaining my interest in the relationship. I was diagnosed with crohns last year and had a pretty quick spiral down which ended up in hospitalization and surgery. My partner has always been great and supportive but I don't know if its the new drug I'm on (azathioprine) or maybe we've just hit the end of our run, either way I'm struggling to remain interested in being in a relationship anymore. I'm tired all the time, my sex drive has pretty much disappeared and I just find that I'm happier on my own. No one expects anything from me when I'm on my own, I can just lay there, or I can feel sick and not feel guilty about it. I feel like this illness has made me become quite inwardly focussed, I just want to focus on me and my body and not have to worry at the moment about other people. Has anyone else gone through this? Is is wrong for me to be thinking I want time alone to work on my problems? Is this a backward step?
Anyways thanks for any advice you have.

 

[chrisnsteph1022]

I see myself the opposite way-when I'm really sick, that's when I need my hubby more than ever. He's a great care-taker and very sympathetic. We had already been together 6 years when I was dx, so he was stuck with me. I give him a lot of credit for putting up with me and all my illnesses. If I were alone, I'd fall completely apart.

However, when I'm in a flare, I do experience the fatigue and dimished sex drive. I become more selfish because I can barely manage to take care of myself, much less others. But he understands that and helps me through the bad times.

 

[Jessica]

From my stand point, it sounds like depression. I've been down that road, and with my current boyfriend. It was 8 months after we started dating, that I was diagnosed. He's been wonderful, but I get selfish and me me me sometimes.

It helped me to focus on what he was helping me with. Would he get me more Gatorade if I was curled up in bed? Would be pick up my meds from the pharmacy? Did he ask about my doctor's apointment after work? This helped me realize that he did care and was involved with me and my Crohn's. Not as much as I was, but I couldn't expect that of him. He suffers enough, I wouldn't wish the entirety of this disease on him too. He does what he can and that's enough for me.

If you find that yours isn't, or that it isn't enough for you... that's a different story. I just got off my steroid from the past 2-3 yrs. It's only been a couple months 2-3 or so... but I've noticed a HUGE difference. Yes, I would like to have sex tonight! Remember that you're not alone in this. You have us, and you have him.

<3

 

[Carrie]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over three years, and I know how you feel. When I'm feeling like I need some more time to myself, I encourage my partner to engage in other activities for himself. For example, I've been in hospital for quite awhile, and instead of coming to visit me when I just want to sleep, I encourage him to just go out for drinks with his co-workers after a day at the office, and relax at home, rather than come to the hospital to visit me.

I don't think he always feels like that is the right thing to do, but I try to reassure him that is what is really best for me, and I think he knows at the end of the day he could use a break from my Crohn's as well.

 

[Jennifer]

Depression is very common with IBD and in a way the symptoms you described sound like depression. Lack of sex drive, wanting to be alone, feeling tired all the time, feeling guilty, feel as if expectations of you aren't being met, wanting to just lay there etc. I don't think the relationship is the problem based off of the information you gave. If you do love and care for this person then it would be a good idea to take care of yourself by seeking mental help. I'm not saying taking more drugs if its not needed but at least talking it out and finding other ways/methods to combat your depression.

Honesty is key in a relationship so if you feel as if you're in a rut then say so and suggest something for you two to do together (turn a negative into a positive) and ask them to also think of things for you two to do together. Having friends outside of the relationship also helps because it gives you time apart and gives you something to talk about later. And of course we all need time to ourselves so take time for yourself and let your partner know that you want some along time and that you're going to do ____ for a while and let them know that they can also use that time to have time to themselves as well. Also let them know that you have all these feelings of guilt and that you feel they expect things of you and that you're feeling like you have to worry about other people when you feel like you should worry about yourself and your body more.

I hope things work out for the best for you.

 

[Nico85]

Id disagree about you having depression, i turned into a recluse for a couple of months when i was diagnosed. I just wanted to be ill by myself and found it hard to get motivated for anything. But after realising id loose all my mates if i didnt start going out with them etc i decided the reclusive life wasnt for me.
Dont get me wrong, i sometimes hide myself away sometimes, but thats just normal if you feel fatigued!

Nicky

 

[f_else]

Thanks for all the advice guys I really appreciate your thoughts. I'm not sure if I have depression, because I feel happy most of the time, except when I'm stressing about this relationship issue. Either way I've decided that the best way to tackle it for the moment might just be to talk to my partner about it, maybe we might just take a break or slow things down for a few weeks and see how it goes. In the end he deserves to know if I am not in the same place as he is emotionally and maybe him knowing will make all the difference.
@ Crohnadian - I am 21 too

 

[porter89xxx]

I think with any chronic illness it is going to put a strain on any relationship, I honestly believe if you feel you are better off without your boyfriend then you should not be with him as it is not fair on him, i also believe you can be unwell and still have a reltionship, no relationship is always 100% perfect and from my experiance it sometimes does feel as if you would be better off by yourself but then little things of them just showing how much they do care and how you no you would never get through this without them is when you no its the right relationship. I know people can get depression but as you say you feel happy most of the time so maybe its just you and your boyfriend are on 2 different levels. Why dont you have a chat with your boyfriend? x

 

[rygon]

I feel the same way, don't have a gf and not been looking due to this disease. It doesn't sound like ur having a problem due to ur bf more due to the disease, so breaking up will give u time alone but do u think it will make things better? Have u told the gi how u feel? Maybe ur chrohns isn't under control. I find once I'm out and about I'm fine but no matter Wat I do, I just want to nothing after 8pm. Could be worth talking to him anyway about how this disease is affecting u and ur relationship

 

[Misty-Eyed]

I'm glad you decided to talk to your partner about it! I think that communication is key in any relationship. If he doesn't know how you feel then you can't expect things to get better.

I hope you are both able to sort something out.

 

[shamrock15]

I missed out on my 20's because I was feeling sorry for myself. Couldn't see myself as being "of interest" to anyone out there. It literally took a decade to work that out. Keep in mind that your nutrition can have a big impact on how you feel. Make sure you are getting some blood work done so you know if you are actually malnourished or not. Just because you may be eating healthily does not mean your body is getting the benefits. Small changes there can make a big difference.