How did you meet your partner? Why's it so hard?

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EthanPSU

EthanPSU

Joined
Jul 7, 2010
Messages
876
Location
Pennsylvania
I've just been thinking lately that now that i'm done with college and am currently at home without a job due to trying to get better, it's going to be very hard to find a girl.

I feel like I'm the type of person that really likes to have someone to hangout with and be with all the time and it sucks that I don't. I had a girlfriend for a year and a half in college but had to end it because I knew I could not see myself with her longterm. I am still not totally over her but I havn't talked to her or anything in about 2 weeks because I know it's done. I felt like college is where I was going to find someone but that didn't work out :ybatty:...But thats besides the point.

So my question to you guys, How did you meet your partner or does anyone have advice for someone in my situation?
 
I really don't have any advice, seeing as I'm single, haha. But I understand completely what you're going through. I kind of thought that in college I would meet someone and so forth. I'm just trying to stay optimistic and be patient. A lot of people our age are understanding when it comes to the disease I find. Yes it's ridiculously embarrassing, but now with so many people having gluten free or vegetarian, it's easier to explain, even on dates. I find myself telling guys early on and being open about it that way if embarrassing moments come about, which they have, it's not as mortifying.

I've done the online dating thing, which actually isn't half bad. It is hard to meet people out, even being 22,23, and they are actually a lot of decent people online, in the same position, recently graduated and single haha. I would just do a free trial and see what happens, it's worth a shot, even if just to talk to other girls. Hope this helps!
 
I met my husband through a friend.. I was in High school though and wasn't diagnosed with CD. I'm only 24 but we've been together 9 years. Get your friends to introduce you to some of their single friends :)

Good luck!
 
Well this day and age the internet seems to be VERY popular and I'm not joking (I'm not talking dating sites).

My fiance and I met on an online gaming forum. At first I was dating someone else who had me join the site and eventually him and I finally broke up. Once I was in grad school I had a hard time making friends and hanging out with people so one of my friends talked me into buying a web cam. I went to random free sites like stickam but that got boring after a while too. Then I started talking to my online friends (people I chatted with on AIM or used to game with) by using Oovoo (allows up to 3 people for free, 6 if you pay a monthly fee). We'd all drink together and have a party over our webcams. Eventually just me and one of my old AIM buddies would chat and we started liking each other (I got him to purchase a webcam and even download oovoo, had he not, we probably wouldn't be together). Problem is I was in Ca. and he's from Fl. We agreed to date anyway and I flew out to see him and he flew out to see me and we could just tell that we got along great so he deiced to move to Ca. as he could always find another job out here. Been together for 3 years now, and are getting married in Sept.

My second oldest sister who also has Crohn's met a guy on an online music forum. She's from Ca. and he lived in NY. She moved out there for a year then they both moved back here to Ca. They are also getting married this year in Oct.

Point is, don't limit yourself to the lame people around you. There are tons of people out there and many would be willing to move. Don't rule the internet out. You may even meet someone on this forum (I know there are some single ladies here). Not that Crohn's is really and "interest" though. :p My sister and I met someone who had the same interests we did so it wasn't surprising that we got along. Join some forums and get a webcam! They help A LOT.
 
See, I'm aware of online dating and everything, but im alittle weary of online dating sites. I don't know why. But I can see the internet being very useful for meeting people.

nikimazur said:
I kind of thought that in college I would meet someone and so forth. I'm just trying to stay optimistic and be patient. A lot of people our age are understanding when it comes to the disease I find. Yes it's ridiculously embarrassing, but now with so many people having gluten free or vegetarian, it's easier to explain, even on dates. I find myself telling guys early on and being open about it that way if embarrassing moments come about, which they have, it's not as mortifying.QUOTE]

I agree with you completely, I've really only told two girls honestly, but always am very hesitant and want to explain it full before they like look it up and just stop talking to me hah.
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Well, even with going out with friends, I try to make light of it...whether it being not being able to drink certain times, or if I'm caught downing my meds or carrying bottles of Imodium in my bag...not only does it make me more comfortable, but I have found my friends are interested not scared off by the grossness haha, and the same thing with dating.
 
Yeah when it goes to my friends I keep them in the dark, they know almost nothing. The see me take meds and ask sometimes but I just say there for my stomach and thats it. But when it came to my ex there was no hiding it, but I did wait about a month before I told her, and i'm guessing id do that to any future girls
 
Are you afraid you'll scare them off? I dunno, any quality person out there wont have an issue with it. They're dating you not your disease. Either way, its part of who you are so personally I don't see a reason to hide it (when you're in grade school ya I can see that, I know I did). I told my fiance before we started dating and he definitely didn't care, well as in it didn't deter his feelings at all. He told me about his health issues too and it didn't scare me off in the slightest.
 
Single here but find online dating helpful and less intimidating. Met many great people from it in person albeit not "the one" just yet.
 
have you tried meeting others like yourself via the local CCFA chapter near you? I can't tell you how many singles I've met at the educational and support group meetings saying the same thing. It's so hard to meet someone who will understand when you get sick, you have to cancel and stay home.

I was lucky that I met my husband via a dating service (it's no longer in business sad to say...they were good at matching couples I thought). On our first date, I was very upfront with what I had BUT I turned it into a positive....that I do volunteer work for the local CCFA chapter and local ostomy chapter plus I gave him a copy of an article I had published in the Ostomy Quarterly so he could educate himself about Crohn's and ileostomies. I encouraged him to ask as many questions as he wanted if he chose to get to know me better. He really surprised me when he said he wanted to attend every meeting that I went to in order to educate himself so in case something happened to me, he'd know what to do.

Sure enough, 3 months later, I had a bowel obstruction at his apartment and he knew enough to rush me to the ER so I could seek medical attention STAT. He stayed with me the entire time until I was stablized. Now if that isn't a commitment, I don't know what is. We'll be married 15 years this Oct.

Go to ccfa.org and click on the locate a chapter. Most of them are having their Take Steps about now, I'm sure you'll be able to meet many singles at that event. Oh, and some of the educational meetings even have speakers on dating, body image, and yes, sex therapists. We had one many years ago and it was standing room only. Learned a great deal as a crohnie and so did the many others who attended. Half of them were s/o, spouses, and family/friends. good luck to you.
 
GutlessWonder86 said:
have you tried meeting others like yourself via the local CCFA chapter near you? I can't tell you how many singles I've met at the educational and support group meetings saying the same thing. It's so hard to meet someone who will understand when you get sick, you have to cancel and stay home.
Click to expand...

Never even knew there was such a thing. Ill check it out
 
When I finished college, I moved out of Mom and Dad's finally. Had been seeing a guy for about 4 years. But once I moved in with my best friend, it became clear over the next few months that he and I would never make it, so I broke it off with him. I worried that it would be terrible trying to find someone else, resigned myself to the fact that I would be single for quite awhile. But ironically, within 2 months while out with friends I ran into a guy I'd known since middle school. He asked me out, I didn't want to go, thought we were way too different. I went after alot of coaxing from Mom and best friend. We've been together ever since, married within 2 years. Had anyone told me in highschool that we would even date, I would have thought them crazy, so it just goes to show you, Ethan, you never know.
 
Just to add to what everyone else has already said - are there any activities you do? Sports, hobbies, volunteering, etc? You might be able to meet someone if you join a team or sign up to volunteer or even just join a book club. Don't just sit at home or on the internet, get out there and find others with common interests.

And for what it's worth, I met my hubby at a concert (They Might Be Giants). This was back in 1998, so in the days of dial-up internet and nobody was doing much online dating back then! We met, liked each other, but it just didn't seem like it was going to work because we lived about 3 hours away from each other (the concert venue was about 1.5 hours from where we each lived but in opposite directions). We started emailing each other and got to know each other better, and decided to give it a try. We did the long-distance dating thing all through college (we met early on in our freshman year) and then got married after we both graduated. We'll be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary in September. :)
 
I started dating my husband in high school. I was not diagnosed yet- that would happen when I was 28. We have now been married for 26 years.

He really does not handle my illness very well. I usually am pretty hard on myself and I think I push myself pretty hard. That being said he bitches that I dont do enough at home or I "get sick" because I dont want to go out as planned. (After 8 days in the hosp- I went to work the day after I got out of the hosp). Or I "allow" things to bother me. If we had known before we were married I am not sure he would have married me.

So I say when you find someone you want to date let them know right away. Not like your going to wear a sign - but the earlier you know they cant handle it or are weird with it the better off you are. If Crohns dosent scare them away not much else will!!


lauren
 
Ethan,

I am old, compared to you but this is a true story. I was daignosed, almost died with my first episode of crohn's in 1989. I met my future wife, and future ex in 1992. She was supportive to a certain extent, but not really. for example she would bring McDonalds home for the kids and her while I was prepping for yet another colonoscopy.

Fast forward 10 years, year 2000 she developed Crohn's. I would not wish this disease on anyone and have been an advocate for her ever since even though we are divorced. But she now understands why bringing food home when you can not eat is very annoying.

It is a very "personal" disease with :accidents" etc. but if someone loves you they will see you...

Yeldarb

PS: My ex did give me three great kids, I hope they never have to join this forum...research...
 
Ethan,

I am old, compared to you but this is a true story. I was daignosed, almost died with my first episode of crohn's in 1989. I met my future wife, and future ex in 1992. She was supportive to a certain extent, but not really. for example she would bring McDonalds home for the kids and her while I was prepping for yet another colonoscopy.

Fast forward 10 years, year 2000 she developed Crohn's. I would not wish this disease on anyone and have been an advocate for her ever since even though we are divorced. But she now understands why bringing food home when you can not eat is very annoying.

It is a very "personal" disease with :accidents" etc. but if someone loves you they will see you...

Yeldarb

PS: My ex did give me three great kids, I hope they never have to join this forum...research...
 
My husband and I met at a college church group. He was quite a bit more outgoing than I and it took a bit for me to warm up. Although, me being a really small woman and him being a tall guy, he'd pick me up, throw me around trying to get me to scream. But, we started to hang out within the same group of friends and got to know each other a little bit that way. Eventually we started talking and dating by ourselves and found out that we got along well. Our friendship turned into love and we've been married since March 2000.
 
she was next door ....42 years ago..... and we are still together....through one continous bout of sickness!!!!!!!
 
I have been with my hubby now for 8 years this June. We met online - he lived in England and I lived in New Zealand. I met him on MSN when he thought I was related to someone he knew. That particular person was at our wedding five years ago (and may indeed be a distant relative of mine). Anyway he came out to NZ to meet me about 5 weeks later from initial contact. We got on so well, and they also stamped is passport with a permenant residency visa by accident, which we then talked to them about. By the end of his three weeks he had a permenant job here and was living with me. We had so many coincidences it was amazing. I knew his best friend in NZ as I used to work with her. I also knew of his ex-wife as she worked at the same organisation. When we went to met some more friends of his - when they saw me we knew each other from high school. The place where he worked I used to go to school with his bosses wife. The owner of the company's wife and my mother used to have playgroups with me and my brother and her two children.

Life is unexpected, I never expected to meet someone and it happened in the strangest of ways. We are very happy together and I love him heaps.
 
Met my husband at work, we both worked at a local department store, I was 18 he was 23, we hung around the same group of friends. Everyone knew I was sick, but I don't know if they knew how bad. Because I was ok. We started dating a few months later, it was about August and then I got extremely ill and had to have my colon removed and 1/2 of my small intestine (I didn't need a bag), it was only about 6 months into us dating, but he was there at the hospital everyday while I healed, he would stat over night, he convinced the nurses to let him stay with me, drive to work and hour and a half, get a shower at my moms because it was closer than his house, bring me whatever I needed, carry me to the bathroom because I was so weak, then do it all again the next day. I don't know what I would do without him, I knew then he was going to be my husband... Hope this gives you some hope.. We have been married 10 years and have 4 beautiful children.... Shannon.
 
Amen to this post. This is something that has been plaguing me lately. I haven't had any serious relationships, but the ones I did have here and there I did tell them about my Crohn's but they didn't seem interested to learn and kind of brushed it off. They didn't understand why I couldn't do a lot of things or go places. It's not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. How frustrating. All of my close friends know about it, down to the gory details, which provides for some great support. But when it comes to dating someone that is a different story, especially as a young adult. Let's be serious, one way to ruin the mood is definitely "Oh excuse me while I just go die in the bathroom, I'll be right back" :nonono:
 
rkoll327 said:
But when it comes to dating someone that is a different story, especially as a young adult. Let's be serious, one way to ruin the mood is definitely "Oh excuse me while I just go die in the bathroom, I'll be right back" :nonono:
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Haha, I don't laugh much when on the computer but I just did. But even more so when i'm driving a girl home after a dinner and i'm speeding just to make it to the bathroom and end up pushing her out of the car and speeding off....That doesn't really look good on a guys part...hah
 
I don't know, Ethan, I think getting shoved out of the car might leave the girl thinking how sexy and mysterious you are. ;)
 
Ethan, I'm with Jessi, play it off as you being mysterious! You could tell her you're a spy and there's no time to explain but you've got to go stop the bad guys, so she's got to get out of the car NOW or the terrorists will win! :p
 
Seriously, Ethan, I know how stressful it is.

All I can say is that honesty may be your very best bet every time. If the girl thinks that's gross or weird, then she's definitely not the one for you. Sad, but true.

I think you'd be surprised at how understanding a girl could be. :hug:
 
I met my husband in a coffee shop by accident, he was there to meet some of his friend, I was sitting with friends and it was love at the first sight. I actually stared at him enough for one of my friends to notice, he turned out to know him and he introduced us. We had bit of on and off later due to stupidity of both of us. I moved away to another city and I dated a guy which I can't say one good thing about him. Fortunately I broke up with him and a week later my now husband called out of the blue letting me know (not asking me lol) that he is coming to visit me tomorrow and if I need anything from my hometown :) We've been together since, that was 4 years ago and last week we celebrated our second wedding anniversary.

I had symptoms when I met him, along with punch of other health issues, he was fine with them. I got diagnosed after marriage and he is doing his best to take care of me. It's difficult on both of us but we try to take it day by day.
 
I started officially dating my now-husband about a month into my first ever Crohns flare, 10 years ago, though we had met and started hanging out almost a year prior in a very roundabout way thanks to school. The way he handled my illness then, and has handled it every time it has made a dramatic appearance over the past 10 years, has proven to me every day that he's marriage material. I mean, the same goes for friends - while it's so amazingly not awesome to be like "oh hey, excuse me while I run off and have really horrible diarrhea, cool new friends!" it's the people who will eventually learn to laugh it off with you and still be there to make sure you didn't actually die in the toilet that are real friends, you know? Now that I'm a little bit older and a little bit more shameless, I've started to think that this disease is a litmus test for all sorts of relationships - it's not fun to explain what you have (and you certainly don't have to open a match.com account that has your picture above a paragraph about, say, your last 3 colonoscopies) but the kind of person who accepts that you're an awesome person who happens to have some crappy intestinal stuff to contend with is way better than some douchebag who vanishes because they're trying to pretend that they DON'T poop just because you might have to do it a little more urgently and often. That was rambling and a little gross. My point is, my husband was a friend who hung out next to my hospital bed when a lot of my other friends at the time were scared or weirded out or grossed out or who the hell knows - and I feel so lucky that I had the opportunity to see what kind of a person he was that early on, because I'm pretty sure we'll get through ANYTHING since our first date basically involved sharing a can of Ensure. I'd be alllllll about online dating if I had to do this thing again, and I would tell people from the jump - hey, I take so many gigantic pills, why not explain what they're for? I've had a few friends evaporate during my latest flare (hence why this is starting to sound like a rant, sorry) and I have to say that if people get weird about hearing that you have a chronic illness that they aren't going to catch - it's not like you're saying I'M A ZOMBIE AND I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAAAAAINS! - then they are idiots who don't deserve to spend time with you and your sparkling personality. So there. That wasn't the question at all I suppose. But that was my side rant about people being silly about not understanding what illness means. Like when my best friend in college got ditched in the middle of a dinner date because her date thought that her diabetes was going to, I don't know, make her spontaneously combust during the dessert course or something.
 

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