I loathe healthy people

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sickmom

Joined
May 26, 2016
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My toddler has IBD with constant flares and I had to quit work and basically become a full time nurse for her as I have no help. I sometimes think that this will be my life from now on, she won't be able to go to school (or if she ever does, she will miss most classes) and all I will be doing is taking care of her and stressing about everything she shouldn't/can't do.

I really envy healthy kids. Everytime I see healthy kids I notice something they can do that my kid can't. Then I think I should be thankful it's not cancer or anything more serious. But sometimes I feel really bitter. I judge other parents and believe they don't deserve to have healthy kids. Moms who used to smoke, drink and be generally careless during pregnancy. I'm so jealous of them and their super healthy kids. They didn't even have to try and had everything handed to them. They have personal lives and happy kids that can do anything.
 
I am sorry for what you are going through. There is a section in here called Parents of Kids with IBD. You should check it out.
 
Sickmom, I know it is hard and it must be horrible for you seeing your child ill. I myself are 8 months pregnant and my husband has been diagnosed with Crohn's but here are the reasons that I tell myself it isnt' the worse case scenario:
1. With the Crohn's research happening, and I can name quite a few studies, this will probably not be in your child's lifetime and she will get better, I do believe we are very close to a cure. I have watched over 90 hours of videos from immunologists, GI's, etc...who talk about this paradigm shift in how they see crohn's - so your daughter has a very real hope, despite what others may say.
2. Imagine when looking at other kids and you feel envious of their parents having it handed to them - what if your child had epilepsy? Diabetes I? Or a significant handicap where she cannot communicate with you? God forbid....I have a friend who has twins at about 1 year of age they were both diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes - out of the blue. They would cry always wanted to try different things, and both have a pump to manage the condition. Diabetes I based on the research I have seen has a much longer likelihood of finding a cure because it is truly autoimmune as opposed to immune-deficiency as in the case of Crohn's. So my friend's parent would look at you with envy - because although your daughter may suffer - her life expectancy ESPECIALLY with all that is happening research wise is not going to decrease and her future is bright, whereas her twins - their life expectancy is around 63 years old (much less than the general population with many complications waiting for them in the future).
 
I think it's natural to resent healthy people, who didn't look after themselves like you do, escape all the consequences and enjoy a carefree life. Getting ill isn't fair but wishing life was won't change a thing.

I spent all my youth living for tomorrow - I never really drank, I worked out 6 days a week, ate extremely well and controlled - and to be honest thought I was just a normal, healthy person with a future ahead of me, not one of the people who are 'ill' and 'diseased', in my mind they were people born sick, who never looked after themselves and never really had a normal life like I did.

Then I began to be ill, I became housebound and couldn't exercise, became skeletal and my teeth rotted and my senses haywired and numbed. I wish I could go back and live unhealthily, drink too much and eat whatever I want, because what difference would it make, people who cared less than me will now certainly go on to live longer and be happier.

But it isn't their fault, the disease is my own body messing up - yes it seems unfair but none of us did anything to be born, none of us did anything to deserve a life at all, let alone a healthy, long one - it just happened, just as illness does. I'm glad that people out there are healthy, im glad that they can enjoy themselves and not worry because it's beautiful that anyone can have that.

It's probably impossible for a mother to ever accept any illness and pain for her children, but I'm sure as they grow up they will also grow strong enough to shoulder their burden, it will be normal life for them and so they will go on to have a normal life. They will be much stronger than you or I seen as they had it for their entire life. You've given them a life and that is the most amazing gift at all even if it involves some illness, you really should be proud and in time they will make you more than proud - it won't keep them down.
 
There can be a grieving process when you realize things will not follow the picture you
have always had for your children.

I was diagnosed at 28, a long time ago, and I am beyond the laughing it off point to the grieving point in my life. find support where ever you can!

you have found a great group here!


Lauren
 
It's normal to feel angry.
I'm a mom of a kid diagnosed at 3 and who was sick before diagnosis. I felt like things would never be normal. It really helped me to talk to other parents going through the same thing. There's a forum here for parents where you can meet some good people.
We've been dealing with this for a few years and once we got to a medication that worked she had a great first year of school this year. It is possible.
I had to cancel enrollment in college courses though as we don't have family nearby to help.
 
There is a healthy debate going on here.

I am not a parent, but I would still participate in it. I agree that sickmom has a right to be aggrieved provided the following is true:

She was NOT aware that Crohn's runs in her or her husband's family. If this does not hold true, I think her child has every right to be aggrieved, but not she.

I have thought about this many times: I read here about parents trying to have children with Crohn's; with a finite (and not minuscule) probability of their children having the disease, I have wondered about the morality of such a decision.

If this seems to be a "non-supportive" (read taboo comment) so be it. I thought that it should be brought up in the context of such a discussion.

sickmom, if you were not aware of Crohn's in your or your husband's family, then this is a random (though scientifically defined) event. You can call it fate. You have every right to believe that it has no causality. You have, equally, every right to believe that it has a certain causality to it. But you cannot escape it.

Regarding his future, it is a fact that there would be better treatments in the future, but after listening to many people here, I am not optimistic of a cure. Although, many people with milder forms of the disease would probably be able to lead a near-normal life.

Best wishes to sickmom and her child.
 
It's natural to feel bitter. I led a healthy life and when I developed CD at age 42 I often wondered why did I do to deserve this terrible disease. I had my resentments but when I saw other people stricken with diseases worse than mine who also did not deserve them, I was humbled. I'm not saying this to say I was lucky - I'm just thankful that it wasn't worse.

Life isn't fair. We can't be perfect. I looked at CD as an opportunity not a crutch. It was an opportunity for me to improve my diet (I cut way back on fast foods and eat more healthier foods), to better understand the ailments of other people, and to have a better frame of mind for elder care when my parents needed help.

Sometimes I wish I could have the charisma or looks of someone better than me. But I remind myself to be careful what I ask for - those "good-looking" people could have another problem worse than what I already have. Like CD, there are many diseases that are not visible on the outside. People who look healthy may not be.

Every parent worries about the health of their children. We have no control over the thorns that come with the gift of a child. Sometimes we are given these as an opportunity, although we may not see it right away.

Try not to be judgmental about parents with questionable vices who have healthy kids - sometimes it works the other way, where the healthy child winds up being the one to correct the thorns of their parent(s). It is much easier to see the now than to see the potential.
 
Feeling bitter is part of the process. I was bitter for a long time at healthy people. But you have to understand that they haven't experienced what you've experienced so they will never be able to relate to you and fully understand what you're going through. Sometimes you just have to bite your lip and smile.
Good luck and I hope all the best for you and your family
 
But we have to remember that, although many will have no understanding of what you are going through, there are also many in the same boat as you who may be feeling the same and you may have no idea about what they are dealing with. There are so many illnesses that cause invisible suffering, not just IBD.
We are not the only ones in this situation and we mustn't be guilty of 'blaming' people who could be dealing with the same emotional struggles as us, but that we also can't see.

Likewise, just because some people have been lucky enough not to have to deal with serious illness, they are not at fault for that. Hopefully they will appreciate how lucky they are, but of course no-one walks around saying "Aren't I lucky that I am fit and well"! I know that this is not what sickmom was having a go at. It's just that we can all feel like everyone else's lives are better than ours, but we don't know what is going on behind their closed doors.

The people that ARE at fault are the ones who speak before they think and have no ability to empathise with other human beings, the ones who have no appreciation for what they have healthwise. Children can't be to blame for this as they don't have the experience or emotional maturity to emote that way.

Sickmom - what you can do is to raise your daughter in a way that enables her to be that better person who can cope with her own challenges as well as being considerate to the needs of others. She will inevitably meet other children who are dealing with their own problems. And just because her life may be different from many of her peers, it doesn't mean it has to be worse. Remember that your constant negative thoughts are bound to be passed on to your little girl, no matter how much you may try to hide them from her, and she really needs a more positive outlook to support her through this.

Dealing with the diagnosis of a lifelong condition is a huge shock which can involve going through the whole grieving process. It can be so much harder to deal with the illness of our children than of ourselves. I'm no expert but it sounds to me that you are struggling to get through this process and it will take time. Do you have any family support or friends you can talk to? Do you have a supportive GP or IBD nurse who can help? There may be a local IBD support group that you could go to. And there will be many people on this forum in the "Parents of kids with IBD" sub-forum who have been or are going through the same as you.

You have done exactly the right thing by coming here to express yourself. I hope this will be the first step in helping you find ways to come to terms with your daughter's condition.
 
The people that ARE at fault are the ones who speak before they think and have no ability to empathise with other human beings, the ones who have no appreciation for what they have healthwise.
They may be at "fault", but they would, in general, win life's battles. On the other hand, as I have said, the morality of the decision to have a child knowing (no comment on any particular case) that one of the partners has Crohn's troubles me.
 
Also at "fault" are people who deliver pious, unworkable in the real world sermons to other people. This is a competitive world, and no one has any obligation of being empathetic to anyone else. In a developing country, a person who cannot work (unless he has inherited wealth) cannot exist. PERIOD.

In contrast, in a large section of the developed world, I see here on the forum, people not working (for maybe justifiable reasons, and get help from the state) although that does not stop them from any other business of "life". They do not contribute to generation of knowledge, or a production process (there are many honorable exceptions). I loath that mindset. I detest that way of life. If an ill child is the only contribution that one makes to the world, I cannot call that moral.
 
With respect, I'm not sure where genetic inheritance (or not) is of relevance in this particular thread. (Scared1 only mentioned it in describing her own situation.) The actual OP has merely come here to vent her emotions and hopefully receive some help in coming to terms with the situation.

I have no idea whether sickmom or her daughter's father have any form of IBD. I do understand the debate about whether it is morally or ethically right to knowingly pass on serious genetic conditions. I just think that perhaps it would be better discussed in a different thread or sub-forum.
 
nitty said:
With respect, I'm not sure where genetic inheritance (or not) is of relevance in this particular thread. (Scared1 only mentioned it in describing her own situation.) The actual OP has merely come here to vent her emotions and hopefully receive some help in coming to terms with the situation.

I have no idea whether sickmom or her daughter's father have any form of IBD. I do understand the debate about whether it is morally or ethically right to knowingly pass on serious genetic conditions. I just think that perhaps it would be better discussed in a different thread or sub-forum.
Click to expand...

With even greater respect, as I mentioned on two occasions, this is NOT a comment on a particular case. I mentioned that time and again.

"Envying" healthy children is I suppose, a morally desirable thing to do. :)
 
When my son was diagnosed, I hated everything for a while. Childhood should be a happy, carefree time of life. Crohn's is an awful disease and I'm so sorry that your baby is sick!:frown:
 
sickmom said:
My toddler has IBD with constant flares and I had to quit work and basically become a full time nurse for her as I have no help. I sometimes think that this will be my life from now on, she won't be able to go to school (or if she ever does, she will miss most classes) and all I will be doing is taking care of her and stressing about everything she shouldn't/can't do.

I really envy healthy kids. Everytime I see healthy kids I notice something they can do that my kid can't. Then I think I should be thankful it's not cancer or anything more serious. But sometimes I feel really bitter. I judge other parents and believe they don't deserve to have healthy kids. Moms who used to smoke, drink and be generally careless during pregnancy. I'm so jealous of them and their super healthy kids. They didn't even have to try and had everything handed to them. They have personal lives and happy kids that can do anything.
Click to expand...

Highlights mine.

No one "deserves" anything in life. Life is a combination of deterministic and stochastic components. The stochastic is significant. Take for example, an accident. In many cases that is not in our hands. We can only see that we do not err on the deterministic (such as not having a child when Crohn's is known or suspected). In that case, we are true to our selves.

It is natural to be angry when we have done our bit. But that anger should be directed at people who should be blamed for our situation. Innocent people do not deserve to be the target of our ire.

Since I do not speak in monosyllables or two-word sentences, I wrote this. I thought that I would explain my position. My heart goes out to all children who are ill. It, however, stops at that, and inquires as to whether others are deserving of any empathy or not.
 
This is a support forum. I am sick of this internet behavior. The only argument is with yourself. Try being a woman or a mother. No amount of big words will make up for your lack of empathy. Anyway someone with shorter sentences may be learning disabled or brain damaged. Stop doing that. She does not hate others. She is just fed up and venting.
 
Just a friendly reminder that this a support forum first and foremost. This thread is not about how anyone feels about parents who have children knowing or not knowing about illnesses in their family which their child may or may not have in the future. If you wish to discuss this then please make a new thread.

After this post please keep future posts on topic. The topic is anger, envy and frustration towards healthy people which is very common. Please keep your posts supportive to the OP and other members. If you feel that you're angry or that you may anger others with your off topic opinion then either say nothing at all or make a new thread.

Thank you. :)
 
http://www.our-kids.org/archives/Holland.html


Http://massfamilyties.org/pdf/Holland_2.pdf


So sorry you are dealing with this
Ds was dx at age 7
But has had issues since birth
Others don't "get it " at all
We do have a parents group where you can vent cry ask questions
Here
http://www.crohnsforum.com/forumdisplay.php?f=49

Sometimes especially in the beginning its good to take it one day at a time
You will get to a normal just a new normal
Ds is in school swims plays instrument etc...
He still has bad times but good times far exceed those
When he was first dx it took close to a year to get here
FMLA is a good option when your kiddo is sick
Intermittent leave lets you take off when you need it for 12 weeks within 12 months

It's hard
But we are here
Hugs !!!!
 

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