- Joined
- May 18, 2009
- Messages
- 162
I am giving in. I am trying to stay all positve that this disease has not affected me. that I have it under control and that I am not letting affect my life. It's not true. that is fake and a lie.
This disease and not knowing I have had it for about 20 years is winning. it affects my self esteem, my ability to be a good friend, partner, daughter sister, employee, pet owner, niece neighbour, community member and everything els.e It affects me financially. And boy I am mad.. and maybe most of all I am sad.
I ahte asking for help. I feel like a child and that I can't take care of myself. it's not jsut the symptoms of the disease it's all that emotinal /mental stuff too. The dang fear !! Geesh. I get accused of nto being reliable or not being able to be count on from people who don't understand. it won't hurt if i didn't feel like iIwasn't reliable in the first place.
I've been off work for a while and I'd liek to go back but I am scared. I have to hunt for a new job. I don't have one to go back to. Everytime I look at my resume I feel sick. All the words and phrases are made to tell a potential employer what they want to hear. It's not the truth. I eman seriously. If they got the truth no one would get hired.
If I said I would never be off sick work or only occassionally or that I may be grumpy and running to the bathroom or in pain a lot... do you think i would get hired ?? Well actaully I am not in that much pain so I am thankful. But it wasn't that way for many years. I guess that's some wounds that have never been healed.
I'm thinkign of getting some community support. Some extra help with cleanign ym palce and maybe somehwere i can pick up nutricoius meals. I always think that those services are only for the elderly. But danm.. i need help. Maybe it is also beleivien thaat I deserve help. yes.. i ahev famiyl but they have their own problems and frankly they are angry and critical and judgemental. I'd rrather deal with a stranger.
I've stopped asking ym family for help casue I don't want our relationships damaged any more than they are. Either me yelling at them cause their anger scares me or i don't want to deal with my guilt. I feel guilty that I am not being a good citizen. Or good at anything. Heack.. i even feel my cat deserves a better home. She is awesome. and I feel like I don't deserve her. Uncondiional love at it's best.
I know I need to feel better casue my patience is not good. I don't have much compassion for other people either. I feel sad. Life is hard. If onyl I coudl accpet that it would be good.
Thanks for reading/listening. I feel better. I'm sure I am not alone.
This disease and not knowing I have had it for about 20 years is winning. it affects my self esteem, my ability to be a good friend, partner, daughter sister, employee, pet owner, niece neighbour, community member and everything els.e It affects me financially. And boy I am mad.. and maybe most of all I am sad.
I ahte asking for help. I feel like a child and that I can't take care of myself. it's not jsut the symptoms of the disease it's all that emotinal /mental stuff too. The dang fear !! Geesh. I get accused of nto being reliable or not being able to be count on from people who don't understand. it won't hurt if i didn't feel like iIwasn't reliable in the first place.
I've been off work for a while and I'd liek to go back but I am scared. I have to hunt for a new job. I don't have one to go back to. Everytime I look at my resume I feel sick. All the words and phrases are made to tell a potential employer what they want to hear. It's not the truth. I eman seriously. If they got the truth no one would get hired.
If I said I would never be off sick work or only occassionally or that I may be grumpy and running to the bathroom or in pain a lot... do you think i would get hired ?? Well actaully I am not in that much pain so I am thankful. But it wasn't that way for many years. I guess that's some wounds that have never been healed.
I'm thinkign of getting some community support. Some extra help with cleanign ym palce and maybe somehwere i can pick up nutricoius meals. I always think that those services are only for the elderly. But danm.. i need help. Maybe it is also beleivien thaat I deserve help. yes.. i ahev famiyl but they have their own problems and frankly they are angry and critical and judgemental. I'd rrather deal with a stranger.
I've stopped asking ym family for help casue I don't want our relationships damaged any more than they are. Either me yelling at them cause their anger scares me or i don't want to deal with my guilt. I feel guilty that I am not being a good citizen. Or good at anything. Heack.. i even feel my cat deserves a better home. She is awesome. and I feel like I don't deserve her. Uncondiional love at it's best.
I know I need to feel better casue my patience is not good. I don't have much compassion for other people either. I feel sad. Life is hard. If onyl I coudl accpet that it would be good.
Thanks for reading/listening. I feel better. I'm sure I am not alone.
