Joke

The Blind Man and the Blonde Folk.

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
 
Beware: Not for the faint hearted.

A guy walks into bar and sees a huge jar full of $20 bills. He ask the bar tender, what's it about? The bartender says you put $20 in the jar and then to win it all, you have to do is three things.

First, knock out the bouncer with one punch.

Second, go upstairs and pull the rotten tooth out of my Rottweiler.

Third and finally go downstairs to the apartment and take the virginity away from my 80 year old aunt so she won't die a virgin.

He declines until after quite few beers and is filled with male liquid courage.

He says, "I'm ready," and throws a $20 bill in the jar. He goes to the bouncer and gives him a cheap shot, knocking him out cold.

Then up the stairs he goes and suddenly you hear all kinds of howls and crying, OOOW< ARR<WOOO, ARR>WOOW< OOW< ARR< whimper, whimper, whimper...........RRRRWWW>arrr,

Then he comes the stairs with big smile on his face and ask bartender, "Where's the old lady with the tooth?'
 
A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" His dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, she accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad... Who happens to be carving a chicken. His dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few hours later he overhears them again. when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" As soon as the little boy asks, "What are condoms?" His father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.
 
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Two men were asked what they would like said at their funerals.
The first one said "I want someone to say I was the greatest footballer ever". The other man said " I wanr someone to say "He's moving,he's
he's moving ! "......
 
Little Johnny

The teacher ask little Johnny what happened on the way to school.
Little Johnny says, "I saw a bad accident, a guy got thrown out of his car and landed on a long ragged fir stump that went 8 inches up his ass!"
The teacher says, "Its rectum, Johnny, rectum."
Little Johnny says, "Wrecked him? It damn near killed him!"
 
A fellow went into a neighborhood bar and noticed a large jar filed with $20 bills. He ask the bartender what's it all about. The bartender tells him, "You can win the whole jar if you do just three things. First, knock out the bouncer with one punch, then go downstairs to the basement and take the rotten tooth out of my rottweiler and third, go upstairs and have sex with my 80-year-old aunt who doesn't want to die a virgin. The guy says, "No way!"

But after way too many beers, he threw his last $20 bill in the jar and said, "Away We GO!"

First, he knocked out the bartender in one blindsided punch.

Then he went downstairs. YIPPE>YAPPY>WOO< Ohm>Ohh, OOO>OW>ARR<OH< ROOOO<OW<årrrrrrrrrrrrrr, was heard over and over and over again.

Then he runs up the stairs with a BIG SMILE on his face, gasping for is breath, he ask, "Where's the old lady with the tooth?"
 
An old guy goes to the pharmacy and asks for 6 viagra tablets each cut into 4 pieces.
The parmacist says "I can cut them up for you but you won't get much of an erection".
"I'm 96,what do I want an erection for,I only want it sticking out far enough so that I don't pi** on my slippers".
 
I started a new job as a greeter at Wal-Mart today.
An ugly untidy woman came in with two kids and started swearin at them. ."Good day Madam," I said "what lovely kids are they twins ?" She replied "No they ain' t " she snarled "One's seven and ones nine,what makes you think they're twins ?"
"Well Madam," I replied " I just couldn't believe somebody would sleep with you twice.Have a nice day "
The manager doesn't think I'm cut out for this job.....
 
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, "male or female?"

The customer says, "female."

The counter guy asks, "black or white?"

The customer says, "white."

The counter guy asks, "regular or radical?"

The customer says, "what does that have to do with it?"

The counter guy says, "the radical one blows itself up."
 
Confession

An old man went into confession and told the priest, "Father, I'm 81, married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 21 year old ladies.. Twice."
"I see," said the priest, "when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father," replied the old man. "I'm Jewish."
"So why are you telling me?" Asked the priest.
The old man said gleefully, "because I'm telling everybody!"
 
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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when an adult toy flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “don’t worry kids, that was just an insect.” To which one of the boys replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a pecker like that!”
 
Dan, Dan, the dirty old man, He washed head in a fryin pan, He combed his hair with the leg of a chair... He polished his shoes with the sleeve of his suit, Dan, Dan the dirty old man.

(No offense intended if your name is Dan). ;^) I'm not sure if I remembered it all but I'm sleep deprived. LOL...PEACE
 
cmack said:
Dan, Dan, the dirty old man, He washed head in a fryin pan, He combed his hair with the leg of a chair... He polished his shoes with the sleeve of his suit, Dan, Dan the dirty old man. (No offense intended if your name is Dan). ;^) PEACE
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Didn't hear that in years , brilliant
 
Aliens are coming to Earth tomorrow.Their mission is to abduct all sexy,good looking "old" (ish) people.
I'm just here to say goodbye. I've got to go pack..........Missing you already x
 
scottsma said:
Aliens are coming to Earth tomorrow.Their mission is to abduct all sexy,good looking "old" (ish) people.
I'm just here to say goodbye. I've got to go pack..........Missing you already x
Click to expand...
Aliens don't frighten this cat! That's a RIPPER! I think we may be on a roll here, Carol. I have a sneaking suspicion at least. ;^)
 
I DARE YE!

An old man gets the call from the IRS The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.


The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office and the man there says,”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies,”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says,”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says,”alright last chance. I bet you 50,000 i can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agents desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “haha! I got you now!” But the mans lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands and says,”He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”
 
I shall finish the game. THE FOOLS CAN LOOK ELSEWHERE. Ho harm intended, I'm a Peaceful, humble man. For I always forgive. FOOLS WILL RUN CIRCLES FOR ETERNITY. Of this, I am certain. Reality check... WASP OUT.
 
My dad and I both saw a bigfoot and he ran. I also saw a different one before so did he... it couldn't have been anything else... Spaceships are real too now... Huh... I ride with the shotty and spray for bears. I have a folder shorty (legal here). Fits my backpack.
 
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An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"
 
Never a truer word eh ? Good one..........

Man on the operating table is just going under when he hears the surgeon saying " No need to to be scared David,please stop worrying, your hands are shaking" Patient says "My names not David", Surgeon says "Yes I know sir,David's my name".
 
Siri woke up and asked what we wanted , she was told to F off , she just answered with “OK” , the whole room fell apart laughing , Siri is now turned off .
 
ME to HUBBY,.....I've just looked at myself in the mirror naked and I look like hell,a nice compliment from you. would lift my spirits.
HUBBY..... Your eyesight's perfect dear.......

He'll be in the hospital for another week.
 
scottsma said:
An Irish man walks out of a bar........STOP LAUGHING !!! IT COULD HAPPEN !
(sorry T, I couldn't help meself )
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Geordie was watching Newcastle United at St. James’ Park.
He noticed there was an empty seat on the front row.
He asked the man next to it if i was vacant.
“My wife died recently” he said, “She sat there for over 20 years”.
“Could you not get one of the family to take it”? asked Geordie.
“They’re all at the funeral” he replied.
 
Tony H said:
Geordie was watching Newcastle United at St. James’ Park.
He noticed there was an empty seat on the front row.
He asked the man next to it if i was vacant.
“My wife died recently” he said, “She sat there for over 20 years”.
“Could you not get one of the family to take it”? asked Geordie.
“They’re all at the funeral” he replied.
Click to expand...
OK, OK, I did apologise and footie jokes go way over my head anyway. Have a good weekend Tony,
 
I'm not a sunshine lover at all Tony,I haven't deliberately sat out in it for 40yrs or more.I think I'm from Viking stock. It's very warm here and rising.....
The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap
Stay safe,,eat cake.
 
I used to get ignored until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car......now everyone waves at me !
 
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