Joke

Sex Joke-

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
 
When we were young you made me blush
Go hot and cold and turn to mush
I still feel all these things it's true
But it's the menopause,not you.....
 
A German Shepherd, a Dobermann and a cat arrive at heaven. God is sitting on his throne and turning to the GS asks him to say a few words about his life.

The Gs tells of his loyalty , service to the community as a police dog and his love of children.etc Blah , Blah!

God nods his head and welcomes him to heaven commanding that he sits at his right hand.

Next the Dobermann is questioned. He tell the Almighty, with a pronounced German accent that he has lead a life devoid of sin and was never a member of the Nazi Party. God nods and invites him to sits at his left hand.

Finally the Cat faces his maker. The Good Lord asks the hapless Moggie what he has to say about himself.

The cat sniffs in defiance and looking the deity straight in the eye says........

I want know why you are sitting on my bloody chair!!!

Alright , at least it was clean!
Merv
 
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray,
twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f@#king Brick wall!"

__________________
 
Three old grannies were sitting on a park bench having a chat when a flasher comes by.
He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat
The first old granny had a stroke
Then the second old granny had a stroke
But the third old granny had arthritis and couldn't reach that far
 
can’t remember if this ones been posted before but i’ll post it anyway

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
 
Tony,my apologies in advance but if I change the format I'm bound to insult somebody

Two Irish fellas standing on a cliff top with their arms outstretched
Paddy had budgies along both arms and Mick had parrots along both arms
After the count of three they both jumped and landed on the rocks below
Paddy says "Well, that's the last time I'm going budgie jumping"
"And that's the last time I'm going parrot gliding" Mick cried
 
OK,so two blondes were in an Irish Bar having a couple of pints of Guiness when one says to the other "I've just found this pen on the floor,is it yours ?" Her friend took it from her and wrote a few words on a beer mat "Yes,it's mine "she said
"How do you know ?" the other asked."'Cos that's my hand writing on the beer mat" was the reply.
 
The Racism on-this forum is shocking [emoji91] anyway since you can’t beat them I may as well join them so

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave. [emoji91][emoji91][emoji56]


Brexit [emoji22][emoji22] please don’t go
 
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This is the last one Tony......and you don't have to look.Don't say I didn't warn you.

Paddy walked past Tony's barn and saw him dancing naked in front of his Harvester.
"Tony" he yelled "what you doin' mate ?"
"Well" Tony shouted back and wiggled his hips "Me and the wife haven't been getting on in the bedroom and the Doctor told me to do something sexy to a tractor"
 
DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED





THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON
AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn' have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn'nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn'nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.
 
An Irishman walks into a chemist and says "I want to buy some deodorant please"
"certainly sir" says the chemist "Ball or aerosol ?"
"Neither" says the man "It's for my armpits"

(actually it was a Swedish man but I just wanted Tony to know I was thinking about him)….;)..:thumright:
 
Viewer discretion is advised

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
 
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.His eyes rolled back in their sockets and he doesn't appear to be breathing.

The other hunter whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.
"My friend is dead,what can I do" he gasps to the operator
"Just take it easy,I can help.First let's make sure he's dead" says the operator in a calm and soothing voice.
There is silence then a shot is heard.
The hunters voice comes back on the line and says "Ok,what now"?...…….
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
 
Okay, so today I saw a cop I know. He knows I'm in the bush a fair bit. He's a friend of mine. Ahyhew... He says, "what have you been up to?" I said, "I went for a drive and saw a beaver." To which he replies, "did you F@ck it?" ;) That's for real in Canada... some cops have a sense of humour. :)
 
I can't believe I made it anywhere creatively, though, because I was raised by two loving and supportive parents. Nothing squashes creativity more than unconditional love and support from a functional household. If you have kids, sh*t on their dreams a little bit.
 
I was scrolling through the medical threads when I cried out to my husband "How unlucky am I,first they say I'm dyslexic now they're saying I have tiny tits "...…… ".Tinnitus dear,you have tinnitus" he sighed
 
PG-16+ ;)


A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says, “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day.” The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks. Susie says, “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
 
DOCTOR.....Relax David ,it's just a little incision,no need to tremble
PATIENT......My name's not David
DOCTOR...I know that,I'm David,stop talking you're making me nervous......
 
A recent survey revealed some interesting data about how women felt about their arses.
30% thought theirs was too fat
10% thought theirs was too thin
and the other 60% weren't bothered and wouldn't change him for the world
 
One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress.

He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, it was nearly time to leave and his sleigh wasn't loaded... The elves were talking about going on strike!
Then an angel walked into his office and asked, "Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?"
And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Hubby and I walked past a swanky new restaurant today and I said " Mmmm can you smell that food,it smells delicious "?
So being the kind hearted old duffer that he is.......he waiked me past again.
 
Hubby put a map of the world on the wall and said,"Throw this dart and where ever it lands I'll take you there for a holiday after the pandemic
is over"...…….Looks like we'll be spending two weeks behind the fridge then....
 
I often feel guilty
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
 
Okay, you asked for it!


A lady stumbles into a bar.
She says, "beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it."
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
Again she says, "beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it." He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
Finally she says, "beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it because I've got heartburn!"
The bartender says, "look, lady... it's not beertender, it's bartender... It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's no pickle, it's an onion. You haven't got heartburn right either, you have your left tit in the ashtray!"
 

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