Joke

Dorothy took a walk this morning
When a twister came up without warning
Around and around
The house fell down
And the fate of the witch was alarming.
 
The moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't bloody well mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
 
A patient awakenend after an operation to find herself in a room with all the curtains drawn.
"Why are all the curtains closed?" she asked the trainee doctor looking after her."Well," replied the doctor,"they're fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
 
Two male patients wake up at the same time in the recovery room.

"What did they do to you?" the 1st patient asked the 2nd.

"Castration" replied the 2nd patient "And you?"

"Vasectomy" replied the 1st patient.

"Crap" replied the 2nd patient "THAT'S the word I was looking for..."
 
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

(we all have accents so no prejudice intended) I love all colors.
 
Little Johnny... Nickels and Dimes

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
 
A hard day in the life of the United States DEA

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull! With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs… “Your badge. Show him your BADGE!”
 
Two old fellows sitting on the sea front enjoying the sunshine
Albert sighed contentedly " Eeh Fred, it's nice out isn't it"?

Fred replied "Yes it is Albert,I might get mine out in a minute"
 
Duck Hunter

A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.
Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.
As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.
"Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!"
"Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck."
"No! No! You don't understand!, shouts the hunter, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!"
"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer.
"Country way? What's that?" says the hunter.
"We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck.... That is, unless you're Yella."
"Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter.
"Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first."
With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly passes out.
After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn!
The farmer replies, "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck!"
 
I enjoy a nice little story of country life while eating my breakfast,and I have an idea this is from personal experience Chris ??? :quack::quack::rof:
 
Johnny and the elephant

Little Johnny was five years old and just learning to read. He and his mother were reading a book on animals when he pointed at one page and cried, “Look, Mommy! It’s a frickin’ elephant!” His mother took a deep breath and said, “What did you say?” “It’s a frickin’ elephant, Mama! Look! It says so right here!” And so it did: “African Elephant.” Ain’t Hooked on Phonics wonderful?
 
A patient who had just undergone a complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a mysterious headache.Since the op.had been for an intestinal condition,there was no reason for him to be experiencing headaches.Eventually the nurse,concerned that he might be suffering from post operative shock,spoke to the doctor about it."Don't worry" said the doctor "He's not imagining it.He really does have a bump on his head.You see,halfway through the operation we ran out of anaethetic.


YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED !!!!!
 
During a flight to Las Vegas, a few minutes after takeoff, a blonde sitting in coach class leaves her seat and takes a vacant seat in first class.

The stewardess sees her and asks to see her ticket. When the blonde was told that she did not have a ticket to first class and has to return to her coach class seat, she said “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Las Vegas, and I’m sitting here!”



The stewardess informs the officers in the cockpit of a woman who refuses to return to coach class.
 The copilot decides to confront the blonde; again she declared “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Las Vegas, and I’m sitting here!”

The copilot tells the pilot that they need to contact the police to arrest the blonde when the plane lands because she refuses to return to coach class.


The pilot says: “Did you say she's blonde? I'm married to one - I know how to deal with them. I will take care of this.”


The pilot goes to the blonde and whispers something in her ear. The blonde says “Why didn’t someone say so?!?” and she returned to her seat in coach class.


The crew are astonished and ask the pilot what he said to her. The pilot had told her that first class doesn’t go to Las Vegas.
 
I was walking through local woodland last week and found a suitcase full of puppies and rang the RSPCA. The fellow on the phone asked with much concern "Are the puppies moving?" I replied, "I'm not sure but it would explain the suitcase"
 
A man claimed the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.He lived to the ripe old age of 96 and when he died he left 17 children.25 grand-children and 38 great-grandchildren............and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
 
Door step saleman...Good morning Sir,can I interest you in some bargain pots and pans.?
Householder....No thank you young man,my wife does all the cooking.....but if you're ever selling fire blankets and extinguishers pop back around supper time.
 
A 90 year old man was sitting on a park bench sobbing.

A young man asked him what was wrong.

"I'm in love with a 20 year old girl," wailed the old man.
"She's gorgeous looking, kind, considerate, and she's a great cook,
and we have the most fantastic sex three times a day, every day.."

"So why are you crying?"

"I've forgotten where we live."
 
You can't take me to eat anywhere...

Waitress: How would you like your burger cooked?
Me: Both sides.

Waitress: what would you folks like to drink?
Mom: Decaf Coffee
Brother: Coke
Dad: Diet Coke
Me: Diet water

I have a question about an item in the menu. There's a meal called the waitress special; does that come in blonde or brunette?

While ordering food at the Italian restaurant, my brother and I started (humorously) arguing over how to pronounce gnocchi. I was married to a red blooded Sicilian and she pronounced it with a silent G, my brother insisted it was with a hard G. I said at least it isn't pronounced "nookie". Our waitress brings our orders out, and as she sets my plate of gnocchi in front of me she very sweetly says "Here's your nookie". Busted a gut over that one.
 
he was a really funny guy Carol ,
Billy is so funny as well , loved his stand up and love the documentary’s as well ,
my wife met him a good few years ago ,
she said he was a lovely unassuming guy , no aires or graces about him .
 
The objection is only because I spend far to much time on this forum as it is Chris. and Tony.The females of our species have multiple tasks to get on with every day,as you well know and I've got a big heap of reading to do too.

Just kidding Guys,we all need a good laugh these days eh.?
 
A seven year old boy in family court was going through the process of being granted custody after his parents were arrested for beating him. The judge considered his aunt and uncle, but the boy protested that they abused him worse. Then the judge suggested the grandparents and the boy refused that as they also beat him. After determining that no family member was suitable as beatings were a way of life for them, the state took the unprecedented step of offering the boy his choice of custody. The boy chose the NY Giants as his new family, as extensive studies had confirmed that the Giants were not capable of beating anybody.
 
The Tale of Drango Dune

A young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer who raises his hand and says, "That's me, youngster. What d'you want him for?"
The young gunfighter goes up to the old-timer and says, "If you're Drango Dune, I've rid all the way out here to call you down!", and Dune says, "Whatever for?"
"They say you're the greatest gunfighter there ever was," says the youngster, "so after I beat you, I'll be the greatest." The old-timer laughs softly, and says, "I guess you had your ride for nothing, then. I don't do that stuff no more."
"But you're the greatest!" says the youngster. "There's stories and songs and everything!"
"Was the greatest, was the greatest," says Drango. "Son, all those songs and stories are... well, they must be forty years old. Still... if you've rid all this way then it's a real shame to see it go for nothing. I guess I could give you a few tips at least. Why'n't you show me the best you got?"
The youngster draws and shoots in a blur of motion, and knocks the candle out of its stick just to the left of the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause; and Drango Dune nods sagely and says, "Pretty good. Mind you, there's room for improvement. You want to let out the strap on that holster just one-half an inch, so your gun ride a mite lower. You'll shave off maybe a fifth of a second that way."
The youngster does as he says and does an even faster draw, and knocks the candle out of its stick just to the right of the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause; and Drango Dune nods once again and says, "Real good. Now, just rub off the checking on the spur of that hammer, and you'll take another tenth of a second off that draw."
Again the youngster does as he's told and draws and shoots the hat off the head of the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause; and Drango Dune nods and says, "Just one thing more. Take that gun of yours and, you see that barrel of bear grease at the end of the bar? Dip your gun in there and get a real good coating on it."
The youngster comes back with his well-greased gun and says, "And the grease will make my draw even quicker, right?"
Drango Dune shakes his head and says, "Oh no, son. It's just that when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna come over here and stick that gun of yours where the sun doesn't shine; and this way, it won't hurt as much."
 
Success is like a fart ,
,
,
,
,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


It only bothers people when it's not their own.
 
Hello. Hi Honey. This is daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

No daddy. She is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” After a short pause, daddy says: “but honey, you don’t have an uncle Paul.” “Oh yes, mommy says I do and he is upstairs with mommy in the bedroom right now.”
After a short time, daddy says: “Okay, then this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and know on the bedroom door and scream that daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.” “Okay daddy, just a minute.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back on the phone. “I did it daddy.” “And what happened honey?” daddy asked. “Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all.” “Oh my God!!!! And what happened to your uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week and cleaned it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he is dead. Long pause … The daddy says, “Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"


























The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
Two old men, close to their last days, decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel...

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home, the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”
“Dead?” says his friend, “Why do you say that?”
“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”
His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”
“A witch? Why the hell would you say that?”
“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window...took my teeth with her!”
 
Jack woke up at home with a terrible hangover and black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
 
Two Blind Pilots on A Plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says

"You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"
 
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
 
Wanna Race

A Man Pulls Into a Gas Station in his Porsche, and a kid on a tricycle starts riding around him. "Wanna race?" asks the kid. "No thanks," laughs the guy and drives off. When he gets on the highway, the kid suddenly zooms past him. "Wow!" the guy says and floors it. He catches up and the kid disappears behind him. A minute later the kid flies past again. Astonished, the guy pulls over, only to see the kid come zooming backward, then forward again, until finally he comes to a stop next to the car. The man opens the door to find the kid on his tricycle, wheels smoking. The kid pants, "Thanks for stopping mister. My suspenders got caught in your door."
 
A woman went into hospital to have her wrinkles removed,but woke up to find the surgeon had given her breast implants.
"What the hell have you done"? she screamed "I came in to have the wrinkles removed from my face, but instead you've given me these huge breasts".
"I realise I've made a serious mistake and I'm very sorry indeed." said the surgeon
"But look on the bright side,at least nobody will be looking at your face any more."
 
FARM INSPECTION

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."
I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. No questions asked or answers given!! I have made my self clear?....Do you understand?!!!"
I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull..... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get stuffed before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs....
"Your badge, show him your badge!!!"
 
A man was kneeling by a tombstone in the cemetery weeping uncontrollably...

About this time another man walks over to him only to hear this poor man saying over and over, “Why did you have to die?” As tears flowed down his cheeks.
The man was filled with compassion and as he touched him on his shoulder he asked, “Is this your wife?” and the man replied, “No sir it isn’t.” And continued to weep while asking over and over, “Why did you have to die?”
Well sir is this your parents? As he wept he replied, “No sir it isn’t?”
Hmm... the man thought for a minute and then he ask, “Is this your children?” Continuing to weep he replied, “No sir it isn’t.”
Well sir would this perhaps be a dear friend? “No sir it isn’t.” He replied as he wept.
Finally the man ask, “Sir who could possibly be buried there that could cause you to be in such pain and anguish?” The man looked up at him and said, “It’s my wife’s first husband.”
 
Humorous, but sadly it is REAL...

I am working at a different office today. In the coffee room are the mail slots for the employees, each labeled with their last names.

Why did my eyes fall on the one labeled JOHNSON-LONG

That's a bummer of an hyphenated name. Rolled my eyes on that one...
 
As I get older,I get more curious.I don't mean I get more "curious",in the sense of strange.I mean I get more curious about things I never used to get curious about.....Why ?.."Why is a great question.Why is it,for example,when you hit your knee or crack your elbow or stub your toe,you make a face and become dumb for about 10 seconds.Then the only way to get rid of that pain is to say "SHIT"...and then it's gone.An immediate cure ! Have you noticed that ?
 
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
A travelling salesman got stuck in deep snow.Seeing welcoming lights from a farmhouse across the fields, he left the car and struggled for over an hour to get there.Freezing cold and soaking wet he knocked at the door.Eventually the door was answered by the farmer.
The salesman with chattering teeth said "Excuse me,it's a terrible night as you know and my car is stuck in snow.I wonder if you could give me a bed for the night,I'd be very grateful to you"....."Of course "said the farmer "But I'm afraid I only have two beds.I've got one,so you'll have to sleep between my two sons in the other one". And the travelling salesman said "Bloody hell,Im in the wrong joke"
 
The smartest man in the world-

A lawyer, a doctor, a little boy and a priest were all out on a small plane for an afternoon flight when the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the pilot's best efforts, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot yelled out to his passengers that they'd better jump, grabbed a parachute and bailed out.
Unfortunately, that left only three remaining parachutes. Grabbing one, the doctor said, "I am a doctor and I save lives, so I must live," and he jumped.
The lawyer then grabbed a parachute and said, "I am the smartest man in the world. I definitely deserve to live." Then he jumped.
Looking at the young boy, the priest said, "Son, I have been fortunate to have lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
Handing the parachute back to the priest, the little boy said, "Don't worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack!"
 
At the end of the year, The IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

“Good question” noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his arrogant and obnoxious way. "What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

“Ah, yes”, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

“I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well, he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
 
A barowner was giving his friend a tour of his bar and he was shown a room that contained a clock and a Chinese gong with a large mallet.

"What's the gong for?"
"It's for the talking clock. When I strike the gong, the clock announces the time"
"A talking clock?"
"Watch..." and the bar owner struck the gong with a mighty swing using the mallet, then stepped back.

And a voice from the other side of the wall yelled back "You a--hole... it's 3:15 in the morning!!!"
 
A rebellious punk kid with a long, spiky mohawk dyed in rainbow colors, tattoo-plastered arms and neck, and multiple piercings in his nostrils and ears sat down on a park bench next to an old man. The old man could not stop staring at him.

Finally the punk, sick of the old man staring at him says, "What's the matter old man? Ain't you never done anything crazy in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replies, "When I was young, I got drunk and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my long lost son."
 
3 Challenges

A guy goes into a bar and sees a jar filled with $20 bills. He ask the bartender what it's for. The bartender told him he could win it if he does three things. So the guy ask what? He told him he had to 1) Knock out the bouncer with one punch, 2) Go into the basement and pull the rotten tooth out of his Rottweiler, 3) De-virgin his 80 year old aunt upstairs.

After quite a few drinks, he throws a $20 bill into the jar and goes over and knocks the bouncer out with one punch. Then he goes downstairs and everyone hears the dog wailing and crying, "ARR, ROOO, ROOO, ROOO, ROOO, ROOOOOOOOO!"

Then he comes stairs and ask, "Where's the old lady with the tooth?"
 
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80's Humor

A Joke from the 80's.

Why did the Punk Rocker Cross the Road?

He was stapled to the chicken.
 
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A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

:rosette1:
 
Paddy and Mick were walking through the woods and saw some rabbit droppings under a tree.
"What are those d'ya tink" Mick asked Paddy
"They're "clever pills" Paddy replied.
"Is that so,should I try them " Mick asked excitedly
"Go on then" said Paddy

So Mick gathered up a handful of the pellets and put them in his mouth.
After a couple of chews he spat them out "Uuurgh,they taste like f---ing sh*t " he shouted
"See" said Paddy "they're working ".


TONY,if you're reading this,my apologies..:wink:
 
Paddy and Mick were walking through the woods and saw some rabbit droppings under a tree.

"What are those d'ya tink" Mick asked Paddy

"They're "clever pills" Paddy replied.

"Is that so,should I try them " Mick asked excitedly

"Go on then" said Paddy



So Mick gathered up a handful of the pellets and put them in his mouth.

After a couple of chews he spat them out "Uuurgh,they taste like f---ing sh*t " he shouted

"See" said Paddy "they're working ".





TONY,if you're reading this,my apologies..:wink:



as Peter Kay would say “How Dare You “

people get offended too easily nowadays Carol I’m not so easily offended (heads off looking for anti English joke)
 
as Peter Kay would say “How Dare You “

people get offended too easily nowadays Carol I’m not so easily offended (heads off looking for anti English joke)



Deserted Island Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island. The two Scotsmen got together and started a bank; the two Welshmen got together and started a choir; the two Irishmen got together and started a fight; The two Englishmen never spoke to each other - they hadn't been introduced!
 
I was at a restaurant with new acquaintances after a great hike with a meetup.com group. I commented that two ladies looked like they have known each other all their lives. They responded that they met at a widower support group. The entire place went violent.

In a panic I said, "Oh, my ex wife wanted to be widow." They laughed and life went on.
 
I was on the toilet during a train journey when the ticket collector knocked on the door
"Ticket please" he asked
"I can't right now" I called " I'm busy in here"
"I don't believe you,push it under the door" he said impatiently
"OK,if you insist" I answered "The yellow bits are sweetcorn " :wink:
 
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A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and 50,000 pounds.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through some corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".!
 
Why do the medical profession still keep writing on prescription bottles in a size that only a 20 yr old can read ? You were standing there with the medicine bottle in your hand and you died because you couldn't read the directions...
 

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