Need your advice on a teenager..

[Crohn's 35]

I need some input from some of those who have kids or step kids. This is a problem I really dont know how to address because it has never happened to me and personally I would drive the kid out cold... my daughter is not an angel but she knew never to cross the line with me like that... so here it goes..

A friend of mine has a teen about 16-17 and this guy is not living with his wife or teen, separated. Anyways the kid got into a fight with his mother and called her an F'n bitch!!!

I was flabbergasted but we have laws here in Canada, one you cannot strike a child, two you are responsible for them til they are 18. How do you discipline this kid? What do you do to ensure it don't happen again?? He is an only child too so, I dunno, I want you guys to give me some feed back as to what recourses you would find appropriate?? Would love to hear your responses, ones that will work. Anyone??

Thanks you guys, my crohnie family!

 

[Terriernut]

Phew, glad all my stepkids are grown up! They tend to get 'attitude' as teens no matter how well brought up they are. Add hormones.

Things are said in anger. So, as the adult, we need to be cool headed. Actually, a cool head is the best way to plot revenge! Oh, I mean disipline!

So, I guess my only advice would be that the teen needs to learn, again, that actions have consequences. Whatever that entails for this particular young person.

 

[Crohn's 35]

Thanks Misty! My daughter is in Psych and abnormal Psych and Kenisiolgy, and she says the brain isnt fully intact with all the knowledge until the age of 25. Men I think longer lol.. Just kidding guys. It is hard for most teens here as we dont have a grade 13 only grade 12 then college or Univeristy and they just come fresh from mommy house lol.

I am just lucky my daughter has respect for me and I taught that at an early age. NO one has the right to call anyone obscenities. Agree?

 

[Terriernut]

Yup, agree. "We teach people how to treat us." Eleanor Roosevelt.

Lets just say if it were my kid, he'd only do it ONCE.

 

[Crohn's 35]

LOL, I was thinking the same thing and no one in our family has ever had the balls to use that profanity...not unless they want to see their next Birthday!

Just to tell you the truth I wouldn't know nowadays what too do. Thank God my daughter and step kids are adults and gone

 

[Crohn's Mom]

Wow! That kid has nerve! I have a son that will be 17 tomorrow...Halloween baby!
He has literally tried my patience since the day he was born. I always say that Gab (my oldest) and JJ(my youngest) were my gifts from God because he gave me Austin in the middle ! hahaha. He's a great kid, but he's had some anger issues through the years. So, although he's never called me THAT or anything close...he has ONCE said F*** YOU to me....ONCE. LOL
He's too damn big for me to hit but I did chase him down and make him think I was going to anyhow haha. Then I gathered my self and became very, very calm. I simply went online to his phone account, that I pay for, and shut it down. Then I changed the password on our internet connection so that he could not access it with his laptop. And I also removed his PS3 from his room, along with all the game to go with it, and hid it from him.
Didn't give in and let him have any of it back for 2 months ! I have found that taking away a teenagers technology and phones can be quite hell on them! LOL. He's never quite gone there with his mouth with me again.....

 

[happy]

Pen,
You might not like this response.

I grew up in a household with one angry authoritarian parent, one sad permissive parent and one angry and out-of control sibling. I witnessed many family fights with that kind of language and disrespect--ON BOTH SIDES-- from the parent and the teenager. When I was young, I thought that my sibling was the one with the problem and also that the permissive parent needed to stand up to the sibling. However, now that I am older and have raised my own children and learned a lot about my past family dynamics and my current ones, I realize that it is a lot more complicated than that.

From birth, my sibling was told that he/she would never be as good as my angry parent, and that he/she was a failure at everything that he/she tried. From birth he/she also witnessed the distress of the other parent and blamed him/herself for it. As this sibling grew older, his/her anger was directed at the permissive parent and myself because we were easy targets. Now I understand that his/her anger had to come out somehow and it was dangerous to unleash it on the already angry parent.

I could hardly wait to move away from the craziness, but I now have good relationships with the angry parent and the sibling, although they continue to have a tumultuous one. (Sadly, the other parent died too young.) I have learned not to get involved in their conflicts--although they each do their best to drag me into it.

While raising my own children I had to learn what healthy parenting looked like and I had to have very honest conversations with myself about how I can escalate a conflict rather than resolving it.

I learned that I had absorbed my angry parent's belief that my sibling was flawed and the bad one--I was the good one. This attitude did both me and my sibling a disservice. We both have our good and bad parts, just like everyone else.

Now I am able to take responsibility for my own anger and try not to unleash it on others, including my kids, and when I slip up, I apologize. I have found that if we treat children with respect, they will show us respect. And, if we are willing to forgive them for mistakes they make (such as calling us names in anger) then they will forgive us for the mistakes that we make in parenting.

I would tell your friend to do whatever it takes to maintain his own relationship with his child, to set respectful boundaries with his child and his wife, and to deal with conflict as maturely as possible-- with all parties. That might mean owning up to his own flaws as a parent and spouse. A kid can become angry for many reasons-- having his parents separate is probably one of them. Perhaps his son really wants to yell at his dad.

Sorry for all the he/she, but I live in a small community and wish to maintain my privacy.

 

[Crohn's 35]

I don't know the full story yet. I am fully aware there are both sides. I just know that you do have to give respect to gain respect. I came from a broken home and my daughter has too. But we both kind and caring people. I don't know if this woman is angry, I still don't know the story. I just want to know how come a young adult has to say a horrible thing to his mother. You do have a choice of who you become because my mother always settled things with the wooden spoon (remember those days). I do not believe in violence and no one can completely be without anger because I have a short temper at times but no once did I call my daughter a derogatory name or hit her.

Once I spanked her out of fear that we couldnt find her, but that was cause my mom and ex made me... and I cried after, and never did it again. So I made that choice...

just never had a problem with her that way as a teen...

 

[Nerple]

Since you can't hit them, can you send them to Nunavut or New Foundland for the Winter?

OK so I really agree with Terriernut, need a cool head.

 

[Crohn's 35]

Well I never did find out the story, he isnt telling me but he says it is over and everything is fine. I have never had to deal with it or my sibs ever talking to my parents like that. Just seems like everything is so extreme today.

I know when I got mad, I sent her to her room and I would cool down and then go and talk to my daughter. She is now in University for Psychology and her fave is abnormal Psych... she got an 95% on her exam...so I must of done something right lol.

 

[Crohns08]

That's good to hear that it's over, but coming from someone who grew up in a family very similar to happy's story often times there are deep seeded issues. I'm not saying that what he said was right, but the right approach would be to talk to him and find out what is really going on. If you punish him he'll just rebel and think his parents don't understand him.

 

[Ducey99]

Hey Nerple I happen to be from Newfoundland.. hahaha

 

[happy]

Hi Pen, I was thinking about this thread again and I realized that I didn't connect the dots very well in my post.

I wasn't trying to say that your friend or his wife were angry parents or that they didn't have a right to be angry. What I was trying to say was that sometimes teens get a bad rap for their behavior when what is needed is some investigation as to what is going on in their life to make them so upset. That's why I told some of my family story, to illustrate that what seemed simple to me at the time-- for my sibling to change their behavior -- was really more complex, and that what my sibling really needed was for someone to listen without reacting to the anger and to tell him/her that he/she had worth.

The approach that I would use in this type of situation would be to try to give the teen (and the parent ) some time to calm down, then ask what the problem is, and try to solve it together if possible. If there is nothing the parent can do but listen to the teen, then I would tell the teen that I was always available for that. I would also ask for an apology for the lack of respect given by the teen in the name calling, and I would reciprocate if I had lost my temper as well in response to the name calling.

Glad to hear that things have blown over for your friend and his son. It is important for their relationship to not let these things get blown out of proportion.