A little question about sex...

[hannah-rose]

No it's not where do babies come from Glad I can post this here as it's definitely an embarassing issue

My possibly crohn's-related problem is the monster of all anal fissures. Seriously, this one's a beast. It's a MONSTER. It's 5cm long and 2cm deep going from my bum hole towards my tail bone.

I'd show you a picture but that'd be gross

It didn't used to be as bad, I used to have ugly, chronic fissures but I wasn't afraid to be 'intimate' with a guy, I was self-conscious but y'know, usually just dimmed the lights.

My fissure got really bad when it got infected and then I had an op to remove all the infected tissue and I've been left with this big cavity. I had a boyfriend during all this but we split up because we were doing long-distance and realised neither of us was prepared to move to be with each other long term.

ANYWAY, I managed to have relationships BUT, and this is the icing on the cake, I also have always experienced pain during sex. I'm currently embarking on a course of psychosexual councilling which involves talking about my problems and using these weird dilators to help train my body and convince myself mentally that I can have sex without pain.

It used to be really bad and it's got better and there've been times when sex has actually been pretty good, but then there are times when it's awkward and painful and I just get upset and my self-esteem plummets to total rock bottom.

Basically my concern is, now that I'm single, how am i ever going to explain all this to a guy? 'Oh hi, yeah basically everything between my legs is kinda broken...' that's how I feel sometimes like nothing works how it should.

I guess the immediate reaction is to say well if he's the right guy he'll understand and be supportive and it won't be an issue, which might be true. But what about if he's not the right guy, but he's still quite nice? I'm only 23 and it'd be nice to have the option to have fun if I wanted to, without having to explain everything and avoid certain, y'know, angles... I feel like I was just learning to actually enjoy sex and feel good about my body and now this happens. A big ol' hole. Where there shouldn't be a hole.

I think boys will think I'm a freak

 

[Terriernut]

Hannah, good grief. Seems to me if it's not healing, another visit to the Dr's would be a good idea. As much as you dont want to!

If sex is painful for you...I know...but it's bloomin obvious, abstain for the present moment. Your body needs to heal, your mind needs to heal. If you give yourself time and patience, it will happen. Then you wont have to worry about telling a guy anything. Give yourself 3 months and go back to the Dr to see if they can give you some more help for the time being. What else can they do to help??

Wishing you well,
Misty

 

[hannah-rose]

I'm currently under the care of a very nice and very experienced consultatant GI so medically I'm being taken care of, and I've still got a grain of hope that this thing might heal one day...

I'm loving being single at the moment but I just feel like I can't really meet anybody until I'm better. It's just been a major knock to my self esteem really, I just don't feel attractive and I definitely don't feel sexy

 

[Terriernut]

I can understand the knock to your self esteem. And the fact that you feel unsexy. And here it is summer time as well!

I have lost any hope of being sexy again myself, and I'm not liking sweats in the summer time either!

Be possitive that you will heal up, sooner rather than later. And try creative visualization techniques. Picture your body healing the 'big nasty' and picture yourself doing the things you want to do because you are healthy.

And tell that Dr you need something else to help!! (hope they have something else)

:kiss:
Misty

 

[xJillx]

Ouch! That sounds so painful, Hannah! I sure hope this will heal soon.

I wish I had some advice to offer you, but I don't have any advice with dating; I've been with my now husband since I was 16! I wouldn't even know how to talk to a guy! LOL! But I wanted to say I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't feel too sexy these days either. I have a lot of issues with my rectum, and I don't want my husband anywhere near the area. However, he is really great and wants me regardless of all my issues. So, hopefully, you'll find a great guy (when you are ready!) who wants to be with you no matter what and makes you feel as sexy as you are!

 

[hannah-rose]

Thanks Misty well it's possible the metronidazole is helping but it's early days so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. I had an appointment with a psychosexual councillor the other day and she was sooo nice, it was really positive and i cant wait to see her again.

Jill, my ex used to make jokes about my bum and er, well you get the picture. It so didn't help! In the end I got pissed off and I said do you have any idea how you make me feel when you say stuff like that? Clearly my butt is off limits to anyone but medical professionals so back off! I know he was joking but I found it really insensitive. I'm sure I'll feel better about myself soon, actually since ditching the ex I've felt better about myself, so hey, that's a positive!

 

[Terriernut]

Patience isnt my virtue either! But, it's something we have to learn with not perfectly healthy bodies.

Anyone who makes fun of your illness or is insensitive needs kicked to the curb! As I've said on another thread...rambant rabbits are nicer to have around! You are better than that, you deserve and will get better!

Misty

 

[25times]

I should probably be telling you the whole "if he's a good guy he won't care and he'll love you for who you are" story, but sometimes, you just need a little fling, not a relationship. And what's the point of getting into your medical history if it's basically just about sex? If you aren't interested in anything long term, what's the point of sharing your intimate secrets?

There are ways to hide sexual "shortcomings" and health issues. I often develop bumps on my lady parts. I have been checked, tested, poked and prodded, and I have been assured they are nothing more than blocked pores, so to speak. Nothing to do with uncleanliness or std's, just the way my body is. Do I tell every guy I sleep with about them? No. If it won't affect his health in any way (as they are not contagious) why other? He probably won't understand/care regardless.
Try having sex only in positions that hide the fissure, but also don't irritate it. Lights off, missionary. It might not be the most romantic thing, but so what? Tell him you think it's really sexy to keep your panties on during sex, and just move them to the side.
As for pain, that could be a number of issues. mental or physical. It's good that you're seeing a sex therapist. They really help alot. Other than that I would suggest lots of lube and feeling very comfortable with yourself. But only you can figure that part out.
Hope things work out for you! Feel better <3

 

[hannah-rose]

Hey Samantha

Thanks for being so frank about things, it really helps. My councillor was sort've suggesting similar things, like taking control with positions that won't reveal the problem and by turning it into a positive rather than a negative, e.g. rather than, oh I can only do it this way because then he wont see my problem, more like, ooh i really like doing this so why dont we try it? Even after her (and your) advice I feel ten times more confident already.

I know what you mean about body confidence, I suppose everyone thinks they've got something imperfect about their body, but when my councillor asked what sex was like with my ex when I had the fissure I said well he wasn't really put off but then, nothing's going to put a guy off in that situation! She laughed and i realised it was a very valid point! I think it would take a lot to turn a guy off once he's got a naked girl infront of him haha.

I think my last relationship really knocked my confidence, so much more than I realised at the time, and It's starting to creep back along with my sex drive too. I think you're probably right, I'm really not looking for anything long term at the moment, too much hassle, but I want to know if I did meet someone even if it was just a 'fling' that I could still enjoy it.

Anyway thanks your advice and honesty has really helped

 

[Jer's Girl]

Hannah, I really feel for you and understand completely! I was so self conscious about my bum issues and my disease that I didn't even have sex at all until I was 21 (had crohns since I was about 13), and I only did it then because I figured it would be okay if I only ever had one night stands so I would never have to get into the whole explaining my disease thing. I felt like I was too broken to love (or like enough to date). After all, why would anyone want me when there were perfectly healthy girls to choose from? Never mind that I had guys that wanted me. That was just because they didn't know what they would be getting themselves into.

Well, I ended up marrying my second ever one night stand (so much for that plan), and I've got to say, I really waisted a lot of time worrying about what boys were going to think about my bum!

Even if you aren't ready for "the right guy", I don't think that anyone should give their body's to anyone who isn't at least "a nice guy." You can afford to be picky on this one. It will really help you to feel relaxed if you know that the guys you are with deserve your time and are going to be sweet to you in the morning, even if you never need to see them again, or just want to date around a bit. Honestly, guys are usually so happy to have a girl that is willing to look at and touch their (probably not perfect ether) man parts, they are not even going to notice your "flaws". I think its like going to a new gym class for the first time; you think everyone is noticing how much you are screwing up the moves, when really everyone in the class is much more concerned with their own performance!

As far as pain goes, it is always okay to say, "that position doesn't work for me/ doesn't feel good/ hurts. Lets try it this way..." Guys like a take charge woman!

If you aren't getting serious with someone, there is no reason to point out your "issues" or mention them at all. it will only make you, and them, feel awkward and un-sexy. Just go with the flow! They might notice, or they might not, but chances are they will be too focused on other areas of your body to let it stop them!

If you are ready to get serious (someday), then it is worth waiting for someone really special who will totally want to know you, rotten bum, guts, and all!

The "one night stand" I married ended up being my soul mate. We have had great sex the whole time we have been together (almost 6 years), including when I had my temporary ostomy (hid it with sexy corsets). But even when I am too sick for sex, in the hospital, or recovering from this or that, we always have a great time together, no matter what because that is the way love works!

An awful woman at work said to me once, "you are really lucky that your husband doesn't leave you. Most men would. You are a lot of work." It really hurt, but I just told her, "yeah, I am lucky. But he is lucky too! We are good to each other, and I would do the same for him if he were the one who was sick."

Any way, I hope all of this helps! I know how hard it can be, but don't close yourself off the way I did! I waisted a lot of time having no fun with boys because of of my self hate. It wasn't until I forgave myself for not being perfect that I ever had fun in my life. Good luck and good sex to you!

 

[ameslouise]

Couldn'ta said it better myself! ^^

 

[sickofcrohns]

Honestly, guys are usually so happy to have a girl that is willing to look at and touch their (probably not perfect ether) man parts, they are not even going to notice your "flaws".

+1

An awful woman at work said to me once, "you are really lucky that your husband doesn't leave you. Most men would. You are a lot of work."

OMG, my mother still says that kind of thing.

I left my ex -- it took many years -- because he had me convinced that nobody would want me and that I just had to put up with his insults, belittling and undercutting/jealous behaviour because of it. Since then, I've had several long-term relationships that ended for reasons completely unrelated to Crohn's, and I'm in a great one now.

Good luck with the fissures/fissure repair. It is awful but it will heal. In the meantime, unleash your creative side.