Can someone clarify a few things?

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Cat-a-Tonic

Cat-a-Tonic

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This is pretty personal which is why I'm posting it in here. I've got a friend, my best friend actually, at least I thought she was. Lately some things have been nagging at me and I think I've caught her in a few lies (that's what I need clarification about). Well, to be blunt I've definitely caught her in a few lies and possibly in a few others. I'm starting to suspect she might be a pathological liar. She says she's got Crohn's, and I want to believe her, but things are really starting to nag at me.

She said the other day that she's "been taking Remicade at night" and that it's really helping. But I thought Remi was an infusion that you get in a hospital infusion center type setting every 8ish weeks? There's no way you'd "take it at night", right? I mean, you'd have to take it during the hours that the infusion center is open, and that wouldn't be at night? Just the way she phrased it, it sounded fishy to me. Can someone with Remi experience please clarify for me?

Another thing that bugs me, she's (supposedly) been on Remicade for awhile, but at one point during the summer she said her doctor wanted her to try Cimzia. I asked if she was doing the shots on herself, since I know from the forum that Cimzia is an injection. She said that there's another version of Cimzia available which is an inhaler and she did that because she doesn't like shots. But she didn't last long on Cimzia because she "liked Remicade better". Now, I did some googling, and I couldn't find anything at all about an inhaled version of Cimzia. I haven't seen anything on the forum about that either. People with Cimzia experience, can you tell me if it's just an injection/shot or if there's an inhaled version?

There's been other stuff too. Mainly little stuff like, one day she'll complain about the bitter taste of Zantac, but the next week when I'm taking my meds in front of her and I also talk about how I hate the taste of Zantac too, she'll ask me what it tastes like - seriously, I know that you know what it tastes like because you talked about it before!

One particularly big lie, possibly the biggest - when I first met her, we bonded right away because I had only been ill for a few months and I told her that my doctor thought I might have Crohn's. She said, "My mom has that!" And we bonded further when she got diagnosed herself a few months later. But just the other day, we were talking about her mom, and about Crohn's, and she muttered, "My mom's just lucky she doesn't have it herself." What???? So does your mom have Crohn's or not? That was what I thought but couldn't say it. I was so shocked I just stared at her and haven't confronted her yet about that lie. It's like, is our entire friendship and bonding based on a lie?

My friend is, besides the lies, a good friend - she's been really supportive of me and is very sweet, can make me laugh, etc. I don't know what to do, and I don't know if confronting her about this stuff will end our friendship. I don't have many friends and she's my only Crohnie pal - but is she even a Crohnie? I really don't know anymore. She says she is but can I believe anything she says? I'm so conflicted and confused. Can anyone help me?
 
Wow...I'd confront her about the lies. Yes, Remicade is an infusion only. Stating it like that makes it sound like she takes it every night. And Cimzia is only in injection form. Ask to see her latest colonoscopy pictures.
 
Steph, thank you. I was afraid of that, but I guess my gut instinct (no pun intended) is true, and my friend has been lying to me about some pretty big stuff. Crap. #$%&*! I am so not good at confrontations but it sounds like one needs to happen. Now I just have to figure out what is the best way to go about doing it. Did I mention my friend has some anger issues? Yeah, this should be fun. Perhaps I'll write her a letter...
 
Oh wow. Everything you thought is right. Cimzia is only by injection and Remicade must be given at the infusion center. And the taste of zantac?? Zantac is not chewable!! It seems she isn't really even educating herself before lying :( That's so crazy. Why would she want to lie about all this I wonder? To seem more relate-able to you? I'd write her a letter. When we were having some family problems and my sister who has anger issues needed to be confronted, we tried the letter thing out. You must be so hurt :frown: :eek2:
 
Emily - about the Zantac thing, I take the prescription generic version (Ranitidine) and it is pretty bitter even though it's not chewable. Just the taste of the coating or something like that, it's awful to even hold it in your mouth for a second before you swallow it. I'm not sure if my friend takes name brand or generic (or either) but the kind I take does have an awful taste. My point was, though, that one week she complained about the awful taste (true) and the next week she acted like she didn't know what it tasted like (lie).

That's one of the more minor lies though so I might not even mention that one to her. The big ones I'm concerned with are the Remi and Cimzia things and whether her mom does or doesn't have Crohn's - and of course, whether my friend actually has Crohn's or not. I think I will write her a letter. I want to take some time and compose something that's not accusatory but is questioning. I think I'll lay low and not have contact with her until I get the letter written and sent - I just don't think I can face her until I clear the air. Or, more accurately, ask her to clear the air.
 
Oh man Cat, this is very strange! She obvs has some big issues. I hope you can get through it as, like you say she is a good supportive friend other than the lying. I think deffo a letter is a good way to go if she has anger issues.
Good luck hun xx
 
Just put her on the spot, when she comes out with another lie again, ask her if she is lying, then give some other examples. If you give her time it will only end up with her making even more excuses. My ex used to be like that and i pointed it out once that she was lying. She didnt like it at all but as I said I liked her for who she was not all the blatent lies we still stayed together (for a while at least)
 
It all sounds a bit fishy to me. It may be that her 'little white lie' started as a way for her to seem sympathetic to you. She may have thought it would make you feel better to know someone else with the disease. But as an adult, she should know better! Perhaps next time she says something about her 'Crohns' you could confront her, just ask her outright about her diagnosis. Then a letter maybe telling her that you really don't want to lose her as a friend but you're not finding it very helpful when she's giving you wrong information about meds, her experiences etc.
Good Luck.
 
I'd like to just take a moment to say that while you shouldn't ever have to put up with anyone's "bullsh*t," if she is in fact a pathological liar, she is sick and probably needs help. If you confront her about her lies it might be good to mention that she should see someone about it and try to get help/get her help?

Sorry you're dealing with this, I know you don't need any extra stress!
 
Nic, she (supposedly anyway) is in therapy for her anger & other issues.

I talked with hubby tonight and he said to just try to bring this stuff up naturally in conversation, without being confrontational or accusatory. Like just ask how her mom is doing, and maybe I could say something like, I can't remember, does she have Crohn's? I don't know, that kind of seems like a cop-out to me, but then again I'm terrible at confrontation. I think I need to think things through a bit more before I decide on what to do about this.
 
It is weird, and I dunno, but I feel a bit sorry for her. Is she doing it for attention? Is she trying to empathise? Does she even know she's doing it? Tricky one, Cat.
 
i very much doubt she has crohns from what you have said, but it doesnt mean she cant be a friend. Ok she may lie to you and you know that, but at least she is there for you from what you have said. Definately tell her that she is lying but maybe not loose her as a friend
 
Confucious says, "a liar needs a good memory"!!

She's not a very good liar apparently:)
 
Hmm! I take it too! After reading your post I took my Ranitidine and I held it in my mouth for a sec, didn't really taste bad or bitter. Must be a different manufacturer? :confused: But that's besides the point. :rolleyes: I'd definitely be careful with her. I'm sorry but I just don't think she has Crohn's at all. Anyone who has IBD, even verrrry mild, knows certain things about treatments, that she is clearly confused on. I would guess that if this was all a hoax to be your Crohnie friend, she'd at least try to do some research and sound credible. Sounds like she lies impulsively. It might be time to question other stuff she tells you :blush:
 
She sounds like she has some real mental or psychological issues. I think confronting her will make her mad and she'll probably try paint you the bad person. You could try to help her, which would take a lot of time and patience. Honestly, I'd probably just quietly distance myself and not explain why. Good luck cat, tough one

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i'd just call her out on the lies... just tell her how you feel. say you know i thought we were friends but im confused about somethings, and go from there. dont worry about confrontation if shes your friend then you should feel comfortable enough talk to her honestly, if she cant do that in return then you dont need a friend like that anwyay!
 
Since you are uncomfortable with confrontation I would start to distance myself from her. Unfortunately it is a friendship based on lies and you will now find yourself in a situation of never really trusting anything she tells you, that's not what friendship is about.

I'm not saying she doesn't have some other deep seated issues going on but I think you can well do without the added stress of a friendship in which trust is at question.

Dusty. :hug:
 
Maybe there is something mentally going wrong with her. Or maybe she just doesn't know another way to relate to you, I dunno-I'm not excusing the lying but this seems like a pretty extreme thing to lie about. I'm sure her husband knows what it is, too-that's why he wants you to go easy on her.

There's something more wrong, based on husband's reaction and if she was just being deceitful about having Crohn's or taking Remicade, it seems like she would try to cover the lies better. Anyone can go online and learn the basics.

I've had "friends" that were liars but it was usually something to make people jealous-ie like an exaggerated description of income, job responsibilities, weight loss, etc-not a chronic disease. It sounds like a cry for help and attention.
 
Thanks all. I avoided talking to my friend yesterday, and she immediately sensed that something was up and sent me a facebook message saying she hasn't really heard from me (in a whole day, wow) and asked if anything is up. So I messaged her back asking her about her mom, just basically saying I am confused and hurt that she'd say one thing and then another. I explained it in more detail than that but that was the gist of it - and then I point blank said, I don't really care whether your mom has Crohn's or not, what bugs me more is that I've been lied to at some point and I don't know why. I asked her what is up and to explain herself. I said I do still want to be friends but that I'm hurt. I am not really looking forward to the answer, I suspect she'll just try to explain her way out of it. I did allude to the fact that there's been other stuff bugging me besides the thing about her mom, but I didn't give any details about the Remi or Cimzia stuff just yet. And I probably won't mention the Raniditine/Zantac thing since Emily mentioned hers has no taste (mine does so I'm assuming that like you said, there must be different manufacturers or something like that, so I'll let that one go, but the Remi & Cimzia stuff are much bigger issues than that one).

So, I'll wait for her answer - I won't get it until tonight, because my workplace has blocked facebook. I guess I just need to put it out of my mind and try not to stress about it until then.

Jeannette, one thing to clarify - it was my hubby, not hers, who I talked to and who wanted me to go easy on her. Sorry if that was confusing!
 
Joan, you could be onto something. I see that pathological lying is part of Munchhausen's so that seems to fit. The more I think about it, the more I realize that she probably has made up her entire illness - such as, I can't remember ever seeing her in a flare-up. She's seen me in flares, she's come over to my house while I was flaring a few times. She saw how miserable I was, with heating pad on my stomach. I've never seen her with a heating pad on her stomach. I've never seen her in a flare. I don't think I've even seen her in dire need of a bathroom. She sometimes complains of nausea and stomach pain but that's about it, and now I don't know if that's even real. The more I think about it, the worse I feel - like our whole friendship has been a lie, and possibly she never even had Crohn's! I feel awful, my trust is completely broken - in both her and in myself. How could she put such lies past me and I didn't realize it until recently? We've known each other for almost 2 years - I first became ill in Oct 2009 and I met her in Dec 2009. I thought, what a blessing, to meet a new friend who is going through something similar and we can be on this journey together! I'm not alone! But it turns out, I probably was. That's a horrible feeling.

Of course, I wasn't really alone, because I had my hubby and you guys and my pets and my family and other friends. I know that. It's just, I felt like this was someone I could relate to about being ill like this. And now, all for naught? I'm so mad, upset, heartbroken, angry! She thinks she's got anger issues? Well now I'm angry! The more I think about it, the angrier I get!

My friend just called my cell, twice. She didn't leave a voicemail and I'm not answering it, I'm at work and I think I'd scream at her right about now which wouldn't be good to do at work. I need to cool off and then have a very long conversation with her. If she continues to try to make stuff up or manipulate me, our friendship is over. I'm so upset about this and I won't let someone play with my emotions and my trust like this! Whatever her mental issues are, she's going to have to deal with them herself rather than projecting stuff onto me any longer.

Argh. Are there stages of grief when dealing with the probable loss of a friendship? I think I was in denial (confusion) yesterday and today I've hit anger! What's next, bargaining? I hope not.
 
Cat, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would have confronted her. One major reason why is that I get physically ill when I realize I've been betrayed or lied to. I need to confront that person as part of calming myself down, or, alternatively, drop the person completely until such time as I can confront them. I dated someone who was so deep in lies it was ridiculous, and he was keep lying even when confronted. If given proof, he'd admit it but then lie about the duration or severity or whatever (depending on what the lie was about).

It sounds like you have been questioning this in your head for a little while now, just like I did in the above situation. It's hard to accept that someone you care deeply about could be lying to you in such a deep way.

The guy above and I are very good friends now. I think he's come a long way with his issues, but you know, I do question things sometimes. I don't completely trust him. I can't. So no matter what, that's always in the back of my mind. If he didn't go out of his way to take care of this lying/cheating issue then we would not be friends right now. at all.
 
Carrie, I'm pretty much the second thing you described, in a situation like this I need to pretty much ignore & avoid the other person until I can psyche myself up enough to confront them. I just hate confrontation so much, I'd rather run away and hide. That's pretty much what I've been doing today - I put my phone on silent so that I can't hear it when my friend calls.

On that note, she just left me a teary voicemail which, as I predicted, was more excuses and covering up for the lies about her mother. She repeated several times in the rambling message that she sometimes calls her grandmother "mom" and since her mother is bipolar, she doesn't know whether or not her mother has Crohn's because her mother can't tell the truth (hm, I'm seeing a pattern here). I've never met her grandmother, I don't even know if her grandmother is alive or not, and this is the first I'm hearing that she supposedly calls/called her grandmother "mom". What do you guys think - it sounds like more BS, right? She said in the voicemail that she left me a facebook message too so I'll see what that has to say when I get home tonight.
 
that's more BS. I'm particularly annoyed that she is trying to say people with bipolar can't tell the truth (I'm bipolar. I tell the truth.) she probably can't even stop herself from lying which is sad.
 
Thanks Carrie, I didn't know you were bipolar. I don't know you "in real life" but on here you sure seem nice, normal, and not at all like a liar - my friend made it sound like bipolar automatically equals crazy liar. (Funny how she's pushing the title of liar onto someone else.) And it sure stunk of BS to me too when she said the whole bit about the grandmother, it just rang false to me. She's never so much as mentioned her grandmother in 2 years, and now suddenly her grandmother is "mom"? I'm not buying it. She was crying and sounded panicked when she left the voicemail - speaking very rapidly and repeating herself several times. I felt a little pang of sadness when I heard her crying - like, I don't want to put my friend though this bad situation, if I just apologize this will go away and we can be friends and be happy again. But I'm ignoring that feeling and going with my gut instinct, which is that I'm still being lied to.

I haven't even mentioned the Remi & Cimzia stuff to her yet. I think I'll do that tonight after seeing her FB message. I wonder how she'll explain her way out of that.
 
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive"

She is now trying to extricate herself from her web of lies by creating more.

Dusty. xxx
 
Oh Cat....my o my...I feel for you hun!
I have a sister in law that is the exact same way. She has a new illness every week, and so do her kids.
Run, don't walk, in the opposite direction. The stress just isn't worth it.
It's hard to let go of a friendship, but it's harder to recover from being hurt even more down the road.
Good luck to you!

P.S....trust me...Cimiza is ONLY available as injections! :heart:
 
Sorry Cat,.... Awful thing to have to experience. My advice is move on. Say one final simple goodbye and don't look back. Don't argue or reason with her, just move on.

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people who are bipolar have trouble with mood regulation, which has absolutely nothing to do with lying. Someone with severe bipolar could find themselves in a bad mood swing or psychosis at which time what they say things that may make no sense or seem like lies (lying due to delusion or psychosis). They may try to hide the severity of their symptoms by lies of omission, but this is not pathological lying. Also, lots of people with medical issues lie by omission rather than admit to others how sick they feel/are.

I've been having a hard time trying to explain myself here. There are mental disorders that are frequently seen with pathological lying (antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder), but it's also treated as its own separate thing through psychotherapy.
 
Thanks guys. Carrie, it's confusing, but I think I understand.

Okay, so, onto the next phase of advice needed. Complicating matters, this lying friend of mine, she just married one of my husband's friends. If she and I stop being friends, I won't of course ask my hubby to stop hanging out with his friend, so I'll inevitably run into her here and there. Any advice on how to handle that?
 
you could step back from the friendship and let it drift into acquaintance status, then just treat her accordingly when you see her.

it is confusing. in my prior post I was trying to explain the difference between pathological/willful lying and other types of lying. Everyone lies at some point (No, I didn't eat the last cookie) but pathological liars tend to make up elaborate lies and will continue to come up with new lies to try to make the prior ones seem believable.
 
Maybe she is bipolar. My father was bipolar, and even though I never knew him, all of my relatives and even some of his friends I have met say he was a pathological liar.

Well, whatever her situation you need to do what's best for you and your health. Hopefully she gets help before she gets even worse.
 
Pathological Lying is not part of the bipolar spectrum!! You can be bipolar and be a Pathological Liar but they do not go hand-in-hand.

eta: sorry, this is a sore subject for me. People who are bipolar already get a bad rap. I've been treated differently when my diagnosis has come to light. Not all the time, but it does happen, and it's not cool. I take my medications and I am relatively stable (too much D can mess up my levels and make it more difficult). No one would know I was bipolar by meeting me, talking to me, looking at me.

I'm going to sit in my corner now.
 
I would have no contact with her unless necessary, so as you mentioned, only when it can't be avoided as a part of your respective husbands friendships.

You can still be respectful but keep the conversation simple and on the surface. If she starts to talk about her "families diseases" don't buy into it or feed it, just nod or say aha and at the first opportunity change the subject or move away. Don't speak about yourself or the chances are she will start the one upmanship, so if she asks how you are just say "I'm fine thank you".

Dusty. xxx
 
Carrie630 said:
Pathological Lying is not part of the bipolar spectrum!! You can be bipolar and be a Pathological Liar but they do not go hand-in-hand.

eta: sorry, this is a sore subject for me. People who are bipolar already get a bad rap. I've been treated differently when my diagnosis has come to light. Not all the time, but it does happen, and it's not cool. I take my medications and I am relatively stable (too much D can mess up my levels and make it more difficult). No one would know I was bipolar by meeting me, talking to me, looking at me.

I'm going to sit in my corner now.
Click to expand...

I'm bipolar, too. And I don't have the ability to lie. Seriously, I'm painfully honest. I'm also on meds and stable (and have been for over a year). Just want you to know you're not alone.

Your friend has some serious issues. I HAD a friend that has borderline personality disorder (as well as bipolar, ptsd, and some other stuff). It made her very emotionally manipulative. I would call her out on something (a lie) and she would cry and try to explain her way out of it. Then she would make me feel guilty for questioning her. It was an emotional rollercoaster with her and I had to cut ties with her for my own mental health. Your posts about your friend remind me of her.
 
I think I've been misunderstood:My father was bipolar but the people around him thought him a pathological liar prior to his diagnosis. He was a drug dealer and a violent person so people just assumed he was lying about everything.

His disease manifested itself in dilusions he felt were so real that to him it had actually happened. When he would tell others what he was experiencing they thought he was lying, because they didn't know he was bipolar. It was 30 years ago and people in general didn't recognize his behavior as mental illness. People were often thought violent or liars when in fact the person was ill.

I would never wish to offend anyone here; I am sorry I wasn't clear.
 
You didn't offend me. I'm sure different severities of the disease present in different ways. And a lot of times, with mental illness, there's more than one condition going on. No biggie, though.
 
Mountaingem, you didn't offend me, I just wanted to make sure its clear that they're not connected. Your reply makes a lot of sense and I understand what you were trying to say. I didn't mean to seem like I was yelling at you. its just a sore spot, hence the edits to try to soften the OMG!! reaction I had. It's very possible he was a pathological liar in addition to being bipolar. Being bipolar doesn't make you violent or predisposed to illegal activity so I'm guessing he had/has? multiple things going on.

I'm not communicating well today. I apologize. You should hear me at work today. I work in IT, and I'm not making any sense because I keep calling everything a 'thing' in lieu of the words I can't remember.
 
This is horrible, I mean in one way maybe she was just making this up so that you would have someone who "knew" how you felt, but it does sound like your friend has some attention seeking issues. The best way to deal with this is to make it very clear that she has to stop the lying or she'll loose you as a friend. Hopefully this will make her see things clearly and quick the bullshit, if not she doesn't deserve to be your friend! xxx
 
Thanks everyone - I didn't intend this to be a debate on bipolar and mental illness, but I don't mind and I'm actually learning a lot here.

Steph, wow, the description of your former friend certainly does sound eerily similar to what my friend has been doing. I don't know much about borderline personality disorder - what exactly is it?

Carrie, your description of being a pathological liar - of making up new lies to cover for other lies - sounds like what my friend has been doing. "My mom has Crohn's. No she doesn't. Did I say mom? I meant to say grandma." I can't wait to see how she explains the Cimzia & Remicade stuff (hey, stuff is my favorite word too!). I'm almost looking forward to it in a way, like I just can't wait to call her on her BS. I may not have hard proof that she never called her grandma "mom" but I can google the manufacturers and send her links showing that Remicade is IV infusion only and Cimzia is injection only.

For those who have shown hard proof to pathological liars, firmly disproving particular lies, how did they react? Did they reject the proof, or try to explain it away, or did they actually accept it? I'm getting lost in this thread now but I think it was Carrie who said that she knew someone who, when confronted with proof, admitted to the lie but downplayed the severity or whatever? I wonder what my friend will do.
 
When I've confronted "friends" with evidence of their lies, without exception they first deny it, then admit it, followed by downplaying how serious the lie was, and finished with telling me I was the one with the issue. I personally never felt the satifaction I thought I would by clearing the air, just more upset that they lied more and more, and would't accept responsibility. Then I get to enjoy a Crohn's flare on top of it all.

That's why I don't do it any longer; I know it sounds mean but if I know the friendship can't be salvaged I cut them off. It's not worth the suffering the illness inflicts for me.
 
My ex-friend would somehow twist it back around to being my fault. It's hard to explain. She was a VERY good manipulator. It was hard to see what she was doing to me until I pulled away from her. My husband could see it. She always made herself out to be the victim and garnered sympathy from everyone. Once I got away from her, I saw her do the same thing to others and tried to warn them, but then I got made out to be the bad guy. Luckily, it was an online friendship (though she drove 10 hours to stay with me one weekend), so it was easy enough to cut ties. I had to block her on my home phone, cell phone, FB, etc. She didn't want to let go.

Anyway, long story short, the manipulative thing is a trait of borderline personality, from the research I've done online. I don't know if the lying thing falls into that, but lying seems to go hand-in-hand with manipulation.
 
Wow! This is the best friends whose wedding you were just in this past weekend, correct?!

I can see why this is upsetting you so much, Cat. It seems like to me (and a few others) she lied about family members and herself having Crohn's to build a connection with you. She obviously was in need of a friend and did all she could to get one. However, the lies are getting harder for her to keep track of. I feel bad for her, but I think it is best for you to distance yourself. It will be tough now that she is married to your hubby's friend, but you don't have to have a drop down drag out. You can say you need some space as you were hurt by her actions. But then, just don't ever reconnect fully. Be civil, but not friends like you once were. And to be honest, if she continues to lie as much as she does, she may not be married to your hubby's friend too long. I don't wish an end to their relationship, but lying isn't going to be good for them.
 
I agree with what everyone is saying that you should just let your friendship regress to the point that you are only acquaintances. On those times when you do have to see her just be polite and short and sweet. and I didn't realize they got married so recently... Oh boy. I hope she is at least honest about herself with her husband. That is not remotely healthy at all.
Either way you gotta get out of this friendship, you are being manipulated, getting extra stress and might I add, I think the worst part of this whole thing is that in a way she is downplaying your illness by turning it into some game where she pretends she has it too. It's really just disrespectful to you.
 
Jill, yes, same friend. The thing about her mom not having Crohn's, and the thing about her having "been taking Remicade at night" were both things she said as we were actually getting ready for the wedding. And they just rang such alarm bells in my head! They got married on Friday so I took the weekend to think about things, as I certainly didn't want to get into any kind of discussion like this on her wedding day. And the more I think about things, the more upset I get.

As for her marriage, well, it's the 2nd marriage for them both and they both already have kids by other people (she has one son, he has a total of 3 kids by 2 women but only his oldest daughter lives with him). So yeah, they've both been through bad relationships, and I know they do fight a lot (as I've said, she's got anger issues and it sounds like she's the instigator of most of their fights). Her husband, my hubby's friend, is a good guy, and I don't want him to go through another bad breakup. He's been a legitimately good friend to my hubby for years. I can probably talk to him myself and see just what he's seen as far as his wife's health. I know that he takes her to the ER fairly often, and she does often get pain pills, but I don't know if he's actually seen anything Crohn's specific. I'll ask him about if he's seen her have any scopes or if he's sat with her during an infusion or anything like that.

For everyone who suggested that I tell her I'm hurt and need some space, and then just drift apart - I think I'm going to do just that, although first I'd like to get her response about the Remi & Cimzia stuff. Catching her in 3 big lies is more than enough reason to say I need my space - and it's true, I do.
 
So I sent her a long FB message, calling her out on the Remi and Cimzia stuff and saying that I'm taking a break from our friendship. I specifically said, here is my evidence that you know nothing about Remicade & Cimzia and you can't lie or explain your way out of this one. She wrote back, and guess what - she had no lies, no excuses, and didn't even address the Remi & Cimzia stuff. She just said something like I want to stay friends, please don't stop being my friend, blah blah. She's also posting status updates about how she's "despondent and been crying all day". Seems to be begging for attention. I'm not responding to any of that. She was the one who lied and lied, and she can deal with the consequences.

Oddly, I don't feel very sad. I feel kind of... liberated? I said what I needed to say and I'm done. There's an odd sense of accomplishment there.
 
This is almost funny. Now she's posting on facebook that she's leaving facebook for days, weeks, or maybe forever. Yeah right! She needs attention too much, she'll be back on in about 5 minutes. She's also sent me like 6 more messages that I skimmed. She said something about being "mixed up" about Cimzia, but she still hasn't addressed the Remi thing (and she's supposedly been on Remi since her supposed diagnosis).
 
Wow, she SO sounds like my ex-friend. She was into the FB drama, too, and posted passive-aggressive updates directed at me when I pulled away. She also got mad at me for pulling away and completely blocked me on FB. Which I was fine with. Then she came back and said she wanted to be friends again. I'm expecting to see that next with your friend.
 
Steph, I'll keep you posted. I'm curious to see how long she can actually stay off of FB. I predict not very long. Some of her public posts earlier today have been pretty passive-aggressive too and of course all directed at me.
 
I know, Jeannette. The scary thing is, her husband has a spare key to our house. My hubby gave it to him 3 years ago when we bought our house, we figured if we locked ourselves out we could call hubby's friend to come and let us in. He didn't meet his wife until a year after that. I think I'm going to tell hubby's friend, no offense, but I need the key back - I trust you but not your wife. I hope she doesn't do anything in the meantime. Hopefully she doesn't even realize that her husband has a key to my house.
 
Yes, I would definitely do that-she probably doesn't realize he has a key but still for peace of mind I would ask for it back. Or maybe your husband could ask for it back.
 
Good-O Cat, now stay determined even when she threatens suicide!
That'll be next. Don't rise to the bait. Who needs enemies with friends like that!
Oh and change your locks, it's a small price to pay, I wouldn't even ask the husband for the key, just change them.
I know he's your hubby's friend but I wouldn't trust him, pillow talk, yeah?
Be on your guard.
Good luck luv
xxx
 
her description of Cimzia as an inhaler does sound like a real inhaler i have had but not that med. they do have bitter tastes, but is not Cimzia i believe it was a steroid inhaler.
 
I've just read through this thread. Well done for confronting her. It makes me angry that someone would make something like that, why would anyone bring this on themselves?
I know you have been discussing mental health issues, which gives a bit more understanding. But I still think you have done the right thing by distancing yourself from her.
 
Joan is right-better to change the locks than ask for the key. Even if her husband just mentions you guys asked for the key in passing, it could start her on a roll.
 
So i definitely dated someone who was a compulsive liar (seems like we all say that at some point lol), but seriously, this girl had problems. I found that there really is no point confronting a pathalogical liar, for a number of reasons. Firstly, they will NEVER admit it. Sometime this may be because the person is so caught up in their lie, that they actually start to believe it. The person might actually need help, as diesand mentioned.

You have to decide if you can A) Just live with a friend that supports you, and just live with the fact that if their stories sound too "out there" they probably are. Or B) dump the friend, as you've decided its too much to handle. Either way I dont think you can change her. I eventually stop dating this girl, as her mom had "cancer", and was getting chemo. There was no chemo, or cancer, her mom was just sick with some flu. - Too much to handle..
 
HA, so after reading a little more, I see you chose option B! lol

Yeah for me I can't stand liars in a relationship, be it romantic interest, or personal friend. I do think some people need proffessional help though. Sounds like this woman is one maybe.
 
The fact that you feel "liberated" means you made the right decision. It may not have been the easiest one, but it clearly was the right move. Good job and good luck!


PS - Don't hesitate to change those locks if need be!
 
I'm sorry that you've been lied to. It really hurts when someone betrays your trust. I also understand what Carrie said. I dislike being confrontational, but if I don't confront something like that, I'd get sick too. Holding on to that stuff doesn't help the disease.
 
Ctrl Z, I fortunately don't even have the option of replying to her FB messages anymore - she seems to have deleted her FB account altogether, which is just fine by me. Saves me the trouble of blocking her! I doubt she can stay off of FB for long though. She was one of those people with like 800+ FB friends and she'd play a ton of those silly games on FB (Mafia wars, farmville, etc). So I doubt she'll be able to stay away for long. I will block her if she comes back to FB.

Regular Joe - thanks. New profile pic? I don't remember you having red hair! I like it! (I color my own hair too - thanks IBD for making me start to go gray at age 30 - and I usually tend towards reddish brown.)
 
Ha Cat! Me too-major gray at 30, I didn't attribute it to Crohn's although it makes sense. I had been having a horrific flare prior. My hair used to be reddish brown, too-but highlights let me milk my dye job a few weeks longer that a single color lol!
 
Jeannette, I first noticed a few grays just prior to my first flare-up, just before I turned 30. I'm not sure if that was a precursor to IBD, like a warning sign or something, or just coincidence. But after my first flare I noticed more and more grays and I assumed the guts and the hair must somehow be related (my mom didn't go gray till her mid 40s and my dad is just barely starting to go gray now in his late 50s, so genetically I probably shouldn't have started graying at 30). I've been coloring my hair regularly since I first went gray (I'm 32 now) as I just can't stand the sight of gray hairs. Other than the grays, I look younger than my age, or at least that's what I've been told, so I like to maintain that youthful appearance. :)
 
Yes, I try to keep looking youthful,too, although I'm (cough) a bit older than you. I'm 39 so I've been dying my hair for 12+ years.

Btw your kitty avatar is sooo cute! I love cats :)
 
Just had a read through this and gotta say I've found it really intriguing.

I agree with what Jill said earlier on in that she seems like someone who is so desperate for friendship that she will just lie through her teeth for the sake of feeling a connection with someone, whether it be fake or not. If she's lied so much to befriend you then whats the possibility of her doing nothing but lie through her teeth in the hope that her now husband would fall for something similar?..

Without opening the whole Mental Health debate she clearly has some sort of issues. and her reaction over the facebook messages only adds to that. Or maybe I'm wrong and maybe it just started as one little lie that has gone terribly out of control and she has dug a whole that is far to big to get out off.

I think you've done the right thing however, If the friendship is based on things that she has lied about, then there is no solid foundation for there to be any friendship at all. This person actually reminds me of a girl i went out with a few times who to be frank, spoke nothing but absolute bull. The worrying thing was that she seemed so convinced these things where actually true.
 
Martin, yes, the more I think about it, the more it seems to me like she probably doesn't have Crohn's but made the whole thing up to forge some sort of connection with me. In fact, I just realized something else about her the other day - I was remembering a conversation we had and this struck me as odd. Maybe a month or two ago, I had mentioned something about Crohn's to her, I don't remember exactly what I said but I remember that she cut me off and said, "Is there any cure?" Umm, no. Seriously? She's supposedly been diagnosed for like a year and a half now - I haven't yet been formally diagnosed myself but I would imagine that the second thing that any doctor would say is "there is no cure" (right after the first thing which is "You have Crohn's"). That's a very basic thing that I would imagine even a fair amount of non-Crohnies are aware of. So for her to not even know whether there's a cure or not - that's another major red flag, another sign that she's been lying, and another sign that she doesn't have the illness she claims to have (although like you said, Martin, I do believe after all this that she must have some form of mental illness!). I mean, who goes for a year and a half with an illness without knowing if it's curable? If it were curable, wouldn't she want to know that right away so she could get it cured? I'm just dumbfounded by that.

Jeannette, thank you. :) I have a cat and a dog but I'm definitely a cat person at heart (as if you couldn't tell from the picture and my username, ha ha!). I love my dog of course, but I really like that cats are so low-maintenance. My dog is always begging for attention and being goofy and needing walks and to be taken outside to potty, while my cat will appear for a cuddle every so often and then is off doing her own thing again after a little while, and she can take herself to the bathroom. I like that!
 
Wow Cat. I am so sorry you are going through this. I do believe that you will go through the stages of grief over the friendship, especially since you felt you had a different relationship then you actually had. You are probably grieving the idea of your friendship (I know that I did the same thing with my mother-in-law - huge family issues there).

You seem to be doing all the right things and you need to surround yourself with positive people in your life. Good luck with everything and remember that all of us are here for you.
 
I know this is an old topic but many people have said to me in the past that you have people come and go in your life and they all serve a purpose of learning something from them or from the situation.

I am starting to believe this is very true, so long as you learn and dont make the same mistakes, not saying you have made any mistakes just that you needed to learn to listen to your gut feeling as it is pretty much always the right thing to do!
 
Thanks Phear! Yeah, any wisdom gained from a bad situation is worthwhile. Live and learn.

I suppose I should post a little update about this situation - I haven't spoken to my former friend since I ended the friendship, and I still feel good about my decision to no longer have any contact with her. She apparently re-joined facebook pretty quickly after deleting her account (she seemed to have re-activated her old account AND made a new account - I blocked both right away). For some reason she felt it was appropriate to randomly send me a package that supposedly contained a gift a month or two ago (it wasn't my birthday or anything like that). I didn't even accept the package let alone open it, just declined the delivery and returned to sender. Don't know what was in it and don't care either. There's nothing in that box that could have restored my trust or friendship.

Oh, and my brother moved out! :) My hubby works weekends and I work Mon-Fri, so I end up spending a lot of my weekends alone now that bro and ex-friend are out of the picture. Oddly, I enjoy it! I am very good at being alone. I am exercising a lot, I clean a lot on the weekends, and I get stuff done that otherwise probably wouldn't get done (crafts and other projects). I'm still in remission, doing quite well, feeling very happy and don't regret anything. For anyone reading this thread who is considering ending a toxic friendship or relationship, in my experience it was a very good thing to cut all ties with the person in question.
 

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