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Two old ladies arrived at the door of the over 60s club.

"did you come on the bus Mavis"? asked Hilda
"Yes" replied Mavis "But I pretended I was having an asthma attack"
 
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel... the pharmacist fainted!
 
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap. A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!"
 
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm, not good," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

The owner was stunned, "Put him down just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
 
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My ass"
 
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
 
An old woman wants to make love to her husband. She shows up completely naked while he is watching TV. The man says: 'What are you doing?'. She answers with: 'I am wearing the Dress Of Love, do you like it?'. He thinks a little while and replies: 'You know, it might have looked better if you ironed it first'.
 
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
 
A little boy at a wedding, looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
 
3 blondes walking in the country. The first one looks down and says look bear tracks, the second says nah, they're wolf tracks. The Third says no you're both wrong, they're moose tracks....and then they got hit by a train.
 
Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine." The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please." "Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"
 
This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face. "What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk. "Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
 
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
 
Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was? I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most?

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...?
 
Two business men were having lunch one day when two women entered the restaurant "Shit" said one "My wife and my lover have just walk in "
"Oh f*ck" said the other one "So have mine".
 
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.
 
On the twelfth day of Christmas my Crohn's Disease gave to me...
....12 rolls of super luxuriously soft toilet paper!

11 pairs of underwear,
10 Remicade infusions,
9 colonoscopies,
8 attentive and caring nurses,
7 types of medications,
6 different doctors and surgeons,
5 kidney stones,
4 visits to the ER,
3 sleepless nights,
2 fistulating peri anal abscesses
and a flexible sigmoidoscopy
 
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast food sea food restaurant ?
One was a chip monk
and the other was a fish friar
 
scottsma said:
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast food sea food restaurant ?
One was a chip monk
and the other was a fish friar
Click to expand...
There was once an order of monks that needed to raise some money. They figured that the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers.

Now, these monks sold their flowers really cheap, and everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all their business.

Realizing their predicament, the florists banded to figure out how to remove these monks. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best kneecapper in town.

Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastary. Cowed, the monks caved to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
 
After her husband died a wife went to the Newspaper office to place an obituary.
Being short of money she decided on "Fred dead.Funeral Monday."
Feeling sorry for her the editor told her she could have a few more words for free,so she changed it to "Fred dead,Funeral Monday.Ford Cortina for sale"
 
A woman's husband Joe died and she took his best suit down to the undertaker. When Joe was dressed for the funeral, she thought it looked shabby next to the blue striped suit on the gentleman in the casket alongside. She decided to go out and buy Joe a new outfit.
She was almost to her car when she thought she better go back and double check the color of that suit alongside Joe. Walking in she was surprised to see Joe in the blue suit! She asked the undertaker, How did you change clothes on them so soon? And he said.............I just changed heads.
 
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
 
At risk of upsetting my USA crohnie family,may I say that was brilliant,I couldn't have put it better myself...........BUT,at risk of upsetting my Aussie Crohnie family,
POT.....KETTLE.....BLACK... springs to mind......:uk_flag::eek:zythunder::us_flag::ghug::thumright:
 
A bloke working in a brewery died one day after falling in a vat of beer.
The managing director and some colleagues went to tell his widow.
"Tell me,did he suffer much" cried the widow
"I don't think so" said the MD."he got out three times to go to the bog"
 
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Debbie,pack your things girl.I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or for cold ?" asks Debbie excitedly
"I don't care" the man responds "Just as long as you're out the house by noon !.
 
Two men were at target practice when one of the guns accidentally discharged at one of them. The wounded dropped to the ground and his friend ran for help. Finding a phone, he dialed 911 and frantically pleaded that his friend had been shot and was unconscious. The 911 operator told him to remain calm, and to first go back and check to see if his friend wasn't dead while she dispatched help. The friend said "OK". A moment of silence was followed by the sound of a single gunblast in the distance. The friend returned to the phone and said "All right, now what?"
 
Visiting a clinic one day, Joe looked into the nurses eyes and said, "Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, right?"

"Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Joe said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.

A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Joe replied.
 
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"
 
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
 
Just then there was a tap on the door,I opened it and there was my mother-in-law
stood there in the pouring rain.
"Don't stand out there getting wet" I said "Go home."
 
A little old lady has an appointment with a proctologist.

The proctologist does the exam, and then discusses the results with her.

He ends by saying, “Do you have any questions for me, Mrs. Smith?”

The little old lady looks at him scoldingly and says “Yes. Does your mother know what you’re doing?”
 
What's the difference between a working-class woman and a rich woman?
The working class woman has real orgasms and fake pearls.
 
This bloke dies and is sent to Hell.Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
In the first room there are people standing in sh*t up to their necks."No thanks" says the bloke, " can I see the next room"? Satan opens the second door and the people have sh*t up to their noses,so again he says "no".
Lastly Satan opens the final door.This time the peole in there are standing with sh*t up to their knees and are standing around chatting eating cakes and drinking tea.
"I'll choose this room thanks". So he's standing around drinking his tea and eating his cake and thinking "Well,it could be worse" when Satan pops his head round the door and says "OK folks,tea breaks over,back on your heads."
 
What is the difference between a man and a bag of spuds


The spuds are useful 😁


What is the difference between a woman n a bag of nuts

Nothing they are both nutty 😀
 
A driver came to a stream to discover the bridge over it was in need of repair.
Standing nearby was an old boy,so the driver asked him if he thought the stream was shallow enough to drive across.
"Yes,I should think you could do that,sir"
So the driver drove into the stream and almost immediately his car sank and he only just managed to scramble out.
"What the hell's the idea of telling me I could drive across"? the man yelled "It's almost 30 feet deep"!!!
"I don't understand it" said the old boy "The water only comes half-way up the ducks".:quack::quack::quack:
 
Two cannibals sat before a large fire after eating the best meal they'd ever had.
"Your wife makes a great roast" said the first cannibal
"Yeah," replied the second cannibal "I'm really going to miss her....."
 
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris andsaid, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 
I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III,and I thought , it's not really impossible if he's already done it twice.
My dad is Irish and my mum's Iranian,which means we spent most of our family holidays in customs.
I bought a muzzle for my pet duck.Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
Life is like a box of chocolates,it doesn't last long if your fat.
 
A dog walks into a bar, sits down on a stool and asks the bartender "A pint of beer, please".

The bartender comes over with the beer and says, "That's amazing, you should get a job at the circus".

The dog says, "Why? Do they need electricians?".
 
A man came to my door last night,
asking for a small donation for the local swimming pool.......
So I gave him a glass of water.
 
What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce ?.....a chicken sees a salad.

For those of you on LOWs,I know I've already posted this,but it's good to share.
No matter how bad it is.
 
My dog was licking his balls and my friends say "I wish I could do that".

I say, "Well.... OK, but maybe you want to give him a treat first; I mean he doesn't know you that well."
 
A man ill at home with flu was stunned to see the doctor,who had just visited him,
kiss his wife as he was leaving the house.As his solicitor later explained to the magistrates bench,"Under great provocation my client nearly hit him with a milk bottle,but out of respect for the doctor's profession,he refrained and punched his wife instead.
 
You know you're ugly when your friends or family hand you the camera to take a group photo..........but you console yourself that you're the best photographer.
 

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