Limericks to choose from

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So tomorrow to work I must attend
Because on Tuesday I'm meeting my FIL's new girlfriend
His wife has been gone for 2 years now
He was so lonely and just had no "wow"
I'm just glad his heart is on the mend!

She seems super nice. Looks a lot like Renee Zelwegger. Hopefully he'll get lucky and hit it out of the love park two times in one lifetime.....
 
Sharts suck
Its all a bunch of muck
Its hitting the pants
Makes you do the dance
And run for the restroom like a duck!
 
There once was a cowboy with a limp
They use to call him ol' gimp
He spoke with a stagger
And walked with swagger
Now he carries a cane and looks like a pimp
 
There once was a nurse from the west
Who's attitude was simply the best
She was kind and fair
Though her head was full of air
She had popcorn spilled on her vest.
 
farm said:
There once was a nurse from the west
Who's attitude was simply the best
She was kind and fair
Though her head was full of air
She had popcorn spilled on her vest.
Click to expand...

I think that last line should read, "chest" instead of vest... ;)
 
Nessa, really, what the heck?
You gave your x a haircut to the neck
Off with his head
"Which one" you said
Let's just say now, he won't pee off the deck.
 
farm said:
Nessa, really, what the heck?
You gave your x a haircut to the neck
Off with his head
"Which one" you said
Let's just say now, he won't pee off the deck.
Click to expand...

Sucks for him. :ylol2:
 
Yes, my name is Carrie
I can be rather contrary
One day I'm happy
The next day I'm sad and sappy
But whatever you do, don't call me Larry
 
The call me Farm
I'm usually in the barn
Pretty full of shit
Hard for a Crohnie to admit
But my jokes mean no harm.
 
They call me Shantel
I used to be quite the bombshell (yeah right!)
Before all the preds
and other weight gaining meds
Now I look in the mirror and say "What the HELL???"
 
My name is Peaches
And limerickin' is what I teaches
My grammar ain't so great
When I'm peelin' off the limerick hate
I'll leave ya like a whale on the beaches!
 
The Limericks thread is the best in town
It lifts me up when I am down
There are characters galore
And it is never a bore
Just read em', and you will never frown
 
Yes, my name is Popcorn
In Vegas I was born
I don't really gamble,
Or recite the constitution's preamble
But, if you dis my town, you have been warned
 
Nessa hopes to soon be Vegas bound
I'll grab Carrie and then we'll go unfound
Thunder down Under
I'll bet you'll all wonder
If a nakie Aussie will be my rebound
 
Peaches sez she wants pics
Of Aussies and their 'bricks'
But truth be told
She's mighty bold
To go to the "ranch" with a stick!
 
Peaches with feathers in her hair
Works at the ranch with flare
"All y'all come in" she sez
As she puts quarters in a bed
Remember you started it, I'm just trying to share.
 
I like em all
Young or old, I see no flaw
Teeth?, take em out
I'll still make ya shout
Just know you'll leave with sore jaws.
 
I like the part with feathers in your hair
Do you have some to spare?
Were you doing some plucking
Or maybe upon a feather bed you were .......
Either way, I'm sure you do it with flair!
 
Last edited:
Peaches turned in the city.
On her trip she decided she likes titties
Not just her own
And the money she's blown
But I'll leave out the nitty gritty.
 
Peaches said:
See, the fun part of this is that I could write a limerick playing off of what you just wrote that would give you boys something to stay busy with Rosy Palm tonight....but I'm gonna refrain (cuz I'm all sweet an innocent like Carrie ;) ). You can't reverse likin' the same sex between boys and girls...it just doesn't work!!
:shantel:(that's Peaches walkin' away cuz she WON!!!)
Click to expand...
Take your ball and go home
Out of comfort you did rome
You had no chance
But was afraid of lesbian romance
You can't beat me when I'm in the zone!
 
Peaches walking all over Farm's back
Wearing high heals in preparation for the sack
We always knew he was into pain
That's why he is insane
Now, you don't have to say it was a horse attack
 
I had to go back a see where farm called you a......., cuz I was gonna scold him...Taking to the next level Miss Nessa...tisk tisk.
 
Last edited:
Weird Carrie - your came up at the same time I posted and we both did the tsk tsk thing!

Jinx you owe me a Coke!
Our limericks do blow smoke
We love to have fun
And we are definitely not a nun
but I do draw the line at a toke
 
Alright, this thread is going to take me HOURS to read....good thing i have no plans today! LOL

And i think i need to learn how to write a limerick. ;)
 
There once was a girl named Pam
Who didn't know how to write this spam
So she googled a bit
and with a little wit
she figured it out with a BAM
 
vshirey317 said:
I find myself playing both sides now and then. ;)
Click to expand...
Nessa playing both sides now?
All I can say is wow.
More girls in thread
I sure not all the guys fled
I'm still here, Lord knows how?
 
Mike must have big balls
to stay within these walls.
So many women in here
most men would run in fear
But Mike, he still roams the halls
 
Of course I run these halls
A good limericker always heeds the calls
I must stay and avenge my fellow man
And remember we always stick to the plan
And yes I do have big balls!
 
Big balls just get in the way
Back and forth they sway
Knocking over beds
Leaving bruises on chins and heads
(I'm talking about mine, I'm not gay)
 
tamesis said:
Alright, this thread is going to take me HOURS to read....good thing i have no plans today! LOL

And i think i need to learn how to write a limerick. ;)
Click to expand...

It'll take you forever to read, but seriously you SO have to start from the beginning, LOL it's worth it.
 
farm said:
Big balls just get in the way
Back and forth they sway
Knocking over beds
Leaving bruises on chins and heads
(I'm talking about mine, I'm not gay)
Click to expand...

Probably the most amusing thing I've read in a lonnnnnnnnnng time. :ylol2: :ylol2: :ylol2:

Fen needs to stop MIA and jump back into the mix already!
 
Farm ran off to take a dump
He dropped his undies from his rump
He let out a yell
Tipped over and fell
Then everyone heard a very loud "THUMP"!

Yeah, I'm slacking...
 
Fen is at the Long Branch
With $1's in his pants
He started a stud farm
Thought it couldn't cause any harm
Now you have to pay to see him dance.
 
farm said:
Fen is at the Long Branch
With $1's in his pants
He started a stud farm
Thought it couldn't cause any harm
Now you have to pay to see him dance.
Click to expand...
Hey...you talking bout the Long Branch over where I am? Cuz if you are....I'm headed that way with my roll o $1's
 
Yes...but it is actually a huge dance place. Honestly -not even sure it exists. I haven't been dancing in soooo long :( It had three different dance areas - one country, one pop, one freaky deaky. It was a fun place.
 
It's been a month since I've seen my Fen bud
Oh, how I miss that big manly stud
He's the mac to my cheese
And he surely agrees
Next time we drink, we'll roll in the mud!
 
The long branch is open and the nights still young, and I ain't never had too much fun. Y'all know that song??

Nessa is a great mom
But her son dropped the F bomb
She said don't be dumb
As she blasted his bum
Now she's starting to feel more calm
 
LOL, you guys all crack me up. so glad i found this place!

One day i was surfing the net
and found this place, where advice you can get
the people are all so divine
just don't stand behind them when they frankenstein
or you might get a little bit wet.

;)
 
farm said:
The long branch is open and the nights still young, and I ain't never had too much fun. Y'all know that song??

Nessa is a great mom
But her son dropped the F bomb
She said don't be dumb
As she blasted his bum
Now she's starting to fell more calm
Click to expand...

I grabbed him by the ear and washed his mouth with soap
Now he's sulking, asking why and is a mope
My "Golden child"
Who is usually mild
Must now gargle using lots of Scope

Kidding. Didn't really make him use soap, but I did stand there with my jaw hitting the floor for a good five minutes, LOL.
 
Where is Rissa?
Still in da pissah?
All work and no play
Is gay anyway
Come back now, we all miss her!
 
Texting with Ris earlier today
She didn't have too much to say
We talked boobie tassles
And how they're a hassle
I promise you we're straight and not gay
 
fenway1971 said:
I'd roll in the dirt with you,
As long as it's mud and not poo.
Cuz that'd be gross and smelly,
Worse than 20yr old grape jelly,
Just the thought of it makes me go Ewww.
Click to expand...

A metro and chick rollin' around
The thought of that just might astound
We don't get dirty
Just drunk and flirty
Give us some beers cuz we need another round
 
Beers you say
They're on the way
Lets get sauced
If you want to get tossed
And roll around in the hay
 
The limerick thread has a life of it's own
As the number of posts have shown
It's time to stop singing that same old song
Hate to say it, but the Guys are wrong
The Girl's belong on the limerick throne.
 
If this were a contest the ladies would win
because we have the panty remover some call gin
this allows us to wrap boys around our little finger
in their thougts we will always linger
as they wish we would show them some skin
 
Pam's got beginners luck,
Here's a dollar, how you gonna spend that buck?
Batteries for a toy?
A dance by a Chippendales boy?
Or a date with a guy named Chuck?
 
imisspopcorn said:
The limerick thread has a life of it's own
As the number of posts have shown
It's time to stop singing that same old song
Hate to say it, but the Guys are wrong
The Girl's belong on the limerick throne.
Click to expand...

LMAO!

You girls can take the thrones,
Perfect for ladies with Crohn's.
The guy's will take the real limerick prize,
Something great...maybe trophy wives?
We even limerick on our cell phones.
 
Fen thinks that he's so swell
although i'm impressed, how'd you know me so well?
A dollar is perfect for batteries like you say,
as they say cheap ones work better anyway
I'll let you know when i'm done, by ringing the bell.

I'm having way too much fun with this. :p
 
Last edited:
While you ladies wear pads from Maxi,
I limerick on cellphones in a taxi.
When I'm in the zone,
I grab my iPhone,
And bust slick rhymes that aren't waxy.
 
fenway1971 said:
While you ladies wear pads from Maxi,
I limerick on cellphones in a taxi.
When I'm in the zone,
I grab my iPhone,
And bust slick rhymes that aren't waxy.
Click to expand...

::spew:: :ylol2:
 
Back of my buddy Fen
You lady's rhymes are pretend
Why guys vs girls
In the limerick world
I hate to see you all on the mend.
 
To my shine drinking pal, Farm, I say hey,
Guess what? I'm gonna join the NRA.
Got my gun permit,
Can protect myself legit,
Can't wait to go hunting soon one day.
 
I really just don't know where to go from here
Maybe we should all just sit down for a beer?
Although that would really get the crohns going,
it may help stop the insults from flowing.
And maybe then Fen will not shoot a deer.

;)
 
LOL.
Too much fun....I've wasted a LOT of time on here today....But it was a super bored day, so i was glad to have it.
 
Not insults, just good natured fun,
You call us retahds but we know you love us a ton.
It'd be fun to sit down for a beer,
'Course then my intestines would be clear,
My farts would be mistaken for blasts from a gun.
 
My limerickers are the best friends I evah had
This thread turns us all from good into bad
From women vs. men
And sex toys again
Our rhymes kick ass and are so freakin' rad!
 
vshirey317 said:
WTH! Am I just the Queen Whore on this board or what?

Okay, we all know that I'd burst into flames if I dared to walk into a church, LOL. :ylol2:
Click to expand...

Ah Nessa honey don't you fret
Shantel and I have much more things to regret
We have been around a time of two
Done things that make you say WOO HOO!
Going to church helps us forget
 
imisspopcorn said:
Ah Nessa honey don't you fret
Shantel and I have much more things to regret
We have been around a time of two
Done things that make you say WOO HOO!
Going to church helps us forget
Click to expand...

:eek2:

Carrie sure has been around the block
But I've had a kid out of wedlock
My dad calls me a sinner
But I think I'm a winner
Now time to bend over and get me some co...

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeevermind!
 
fenway1971 said:
To my shine drinking pal, Farm, I say hey,
Guess what? I'm gonna join the NRA.
Got my gun permit,
Can protect myself legit,
Can't wait to go hunting soon one day.
Click to expand...

I got me a new friend named Walther
When I look at him I puurrr
I'll be a soccer mama packing heat
I just can't hide him under the seat
I'm like James Bond, only a her ;)

No hunting for me, just self protection.
It's in the constitution, so no objection
I am not a screwball
Just want to be safe at the mall
Now, if I can aim in the right direction
 
Oh my, the things that i read,
good thing i already do the deed!
Or my eyes would be burning,
from all this stuff i'm learning.
I'm sure my parents would just be so pleased!

Not sure if pleased really works, but i'll go with it. ;)
 
imisspopcorn said:
This one is suppose to not have much of a kick. I'm always afraid it will kick back and chip my tooth. Doh!
Click to expand...

I want to practice at a real range. I know, I know -- Farm would tell me to go out back, line up a bunch of beer bottles and have at it, but I grew up doing that already, damnit! I need a new experience.

Yeah, I want to practice with a select few and see which one screams, "NESSA"!, take it home and make it my new baby.
 
Daaaaaaaaammmmmnnnnnn....... I'm not around for a day, and people start talkin shit!!!!!!! ;)


I guess it's true what they say -
When RiS leaves, the kids DO play!
Dr. checking my boob was a hassle,
But I'm clear to wear tassles!
So now, whatcha got to say???
 
Spin those tassles all around
Josh surely won't make a sound
Just don't glue em' on too tight
That would not feel right
I'm sure your talent he will expound
 
Glue will rip my nippies off!
And I know Josh will start to loff :( (yeah, it's laugh - shush lol)
So I'll take my new bling
And tape them to my rings
And shake them til he's had enoff (shut up!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!)
 
imisspopcorn said:
This one is suppose to not have much of a kick. I'm always afraid it will kick back and chip my tooth. Doh!
Click to expand...

Carrie, that you're not supposed to put it in your mouth! ;)

Whats all this talk about fire arms?
The idea is causing me much alarm
We don't do guns here
Don't have enough fear
This country has a lot of charms!
 
Ah, the good ol'US of A
A lot of us LOVE our NRA
We're just not as charming
Violence here is alarming
Some just try to make it through the day
 
Ooh, shake those ta-ta's Ris
Just don't laugh, or you may piss.
I imagine that would be a blast,
to dance with bangles, shake them fast!
And seal it all with a kiss.
 
shazamataz said:
Carrie, that you're not supposed to put it in your mouth! ;)

Whats all this talk about fire arms?
The idea is causing me much alarm
We don't do guns here
Don't have enough fear
This country has a lot of charms!
Click to expand...

I know, I never thought I would be pro-guns....
 
imisspopcorn said:
I know, I never thought I would be pro-guns....
Click to expand...

Me either! I whined until we got of our gun years ago. I use to be one of those "no guns in the house with kids" people, but not no mo'. Only thing holding me back now is not having a safe shelf to put it on in my bedroom (my closest has no shelves, grrrr) although I guess that's easily fixable. Gun isn't going to do me any good in the hallway closet if someone tries to break in, lol.

It's cool. I got a mean air rifle. :ylol2:
 
Peaches said:
Weird...didn't Fen just get a gun too? I tried to "ask" for one a few years back..but hubby wasn't havin' it. Nessa - no shelf - you need a small SAFE. Too many kids in your house sister - especially boys. You know boys!!!
Click to expand...

Well yes, I'd keep it in a safe, too, LOL. No way would I have a gun just floating around on a shelf! I already decided on a fingerprint safe, but I'd still like to keep it in a shelf in my closet just to keep it out of the way.
 
Ah man...I wish either Derrick were here or I was in the mood to do a pic of us three as Charlie's angels!! That would be FUNNEH!! You and Carrie need to send me a headshot......!
 

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