My husband is DRIVING ME CRAZY

Crohn's Disease Forum

Help Support Crohn's Disease Forum:

Paulah28

Paulah28

Joined
Aug 22, 2008
Messages
72
I think you all can agree that this annoying disease makes you so tired sometimes (almost all of the time) that all you want to do is sleep or at the least sit down and relax more tham most people. Well....my husband thinks that he is entitled to do whatever he whenever he wants and does not realize that even though I am healthier than I was a few years ago (through several operations and a mess of other things) the disease still makes me tired. We have a house, several animals, two kids and I also work full time. I am not going to get into my daily rutine but I always have to fight through the times when I am tired and want to escape from the family and just lay down. Why can he take 2 hour naps every day during the weekend and often times when he gets home from work!!! Then he has the nerve to get upset with me when at 9am after I have gotten the kids fed, cleaned and put to bed I am ready for bed? If I sleep past 7am I am told I am lazy. Right now if fact I have had the kids since 630am, cleane dthe house, took the kids to chuckie cheese, fixed dinner and now he is still in bed for the last 3 hours. I AM EXSHAUSTED and I cannot go to bed whenever I want to. I know this is probably a typical married argument but do I not need my sleep also????

By the way, do any of you get flare ups when you have sleep deprevation? He knows nothing about this disease other than the fact he almost lost my twice because of it. Now that I am feeling better he is close to losing me for another reason....
 
lack of sleep = flares for me.

sorry to hear of your hard times at the moment, sometimes people are just selfish.
 
I am sorry your having a tough time, we all know that the disease itself is more than a plate full.

The double standard thing sure makes things hard, yet sometimes during events like this, being direct might be the only way to get through to him, to have him understand how your feeling.

I hope all things work out for you.
 
Sometimes men just don't get it.
(Okay - that means that some of you do - don't start yellin' at me already)
I had a fever yesterday, and my husband had quite a struggle keeping the kids busy. He's a great dad, it's just harder for him without me. It's like he was stressed about it and trying too hard. It didn't actually help me get a lot of rest either.
Taking the kids to Chuckie Cheese would exhaust me even on a good day. My favorite activity to do with them lately is sit on my hammock in the backyard while they play. I'm relaxing, and can still talk to them and call them over for a cuddle here and there.
I think my sleep deprivation is caused by my flares, not the other way around. When I'm not flaring I will sleep through the night. When I am flaring I might get up 2 or 3 times in the night to run to the toilet.
My husband didn't realize how sick I was until the house was a disaster, and I told him "Imagine you have the flu - but it doesn't just last for a week. That's how bad I feel sometimes." Now he gets it. You might just have to have a sit down talk with him.
Sorry you're having a rough time.
 
Thank you all for the input. I do think it is time for a sit down. Most times that does not even work with him. I have an apt tomorrow that I asked him to come to so he can hear my dr say that being tires is natural but of course he will not because his work is too important. I have thought about leaving but an scared...getting a flare with 2 kids and nobody to at least feed them. Granted when he feeds them it is usually candy even at 830 in the morning.

Anyway....thanks again for the adivse and I will keep trying for now at least.
 
I hope he comes to understand what you go through. I would try what Butt said and explain it to him in a way that he can relate to better. As for his comments about what time you get up or go to bed I would tell him to shut up unless he wants to be bugged every time he takes one of his 2 hour naps. Give him a dose of his own medicine.

Luckily I do not have this issue with my husband now that I have been sick...though before being sick he always thought he worked harder than me and deserved more relax time. Now that I have been so sick that I couldn't clean the house or cook at times he has had to do those things himself and he gets now how much work just keeping up the house can be.
 
Grab a piece of string cheese and a piece of sandpaper. Take them in to your hubby. Run the sandpaper up and down the cheese. Then say when his insides can pull that 'trick' like yours does you'll never 'complain' about how tired you are!!

Not all spouses understand that having crohn's is worse than the worse stomach bug they ever had.
Lots of luck.
 
I work the night shift and I don't think it registers to my wife that I work because she doesn't see it. She goes to bed, 2 hours later I leave for work, she wakes up, one hour later I'm home. The idea that I just had an entire day doesn't compute so she wants me to behave as if I was sleeping too. She demands that I not sleep, that I go do stuff with her or take care of our son so that she can do stuff. She openly has no sympathy for my lack of sleep because it serves her for me to stay up and do things.

If she wants me to do something at 6PM I have to sleep during the morning. If the next day she wants me to do something at 9AM I'm supposed to somehow change my schedule and sleep that evening. So anyway, I'm expected to work all night and then go about my day like a normal person too. It really kills me some times.

And yes, sleep deprivation is one of my (if not the most potent) major flare triggers.
 
Okay Colt - NOW I'm pissed FOR you! You deserve the same amount of hours of sleep that your wife gets, and it needs to go from about the same time each day. (Give or take 1 hour, like the rest of us, but not more.) Insist on it. It's for your own well being, and hers too. Figure out the best time that works for you, run a fan or white noise or something in the bedroom, and tell your wife that's just how it is. Have her read your last post in this thread - maybe she'll see how absolutely ridiculous she's being. That will still give you guys a normal amount of hours that 2 working parents get together. You sleep while she's working from home, she sleeps while you work away from home, that leaves about 1/3 of the day free for whatever. Let us know how that goes. Seriously - you'll feel so much better.
 
Paula, Colt,

I have something to say to both of you. Tell your insignificant others that unless they begin to take your needs more seriously, they will be staring at a business end of a divorce attorney. I am fortunate to have a wife who tries to support me in any way that she can, and it's hard to imagine that someone out there would not do as little as let you rest as much as you need to. I am not talking about treating you as a victim, but sleep deprivation makes healthy people become sick, so it's easy to imagine what it does to people whose insides are under some amount of stress already.

I am sorry, I am not the "softy" kind when it comes to issues like this. You live once, and your life is too precious to spend it with someone who refuses to offer you even the most basic support in your time of need.

I know it's within human nature to want to be helpful, but learn to say "No". If they want to you to do things while you would rather sleep, then sleep. What's the worst thing that can happen? Colt, draw a chart on a piece of paper and map the "normal" hours to "your" hours. Or better yet, buy a cheap watch and keep it set to "your" time. And, keep your hours, otherwise the whole point is lost. Paula, go to sleep. If he wakes you up, tell him off and go back to sleep. He may interrupt a few naps, but eventually, he will get the idea. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. There is a reason they tell you on the plane to put on your own mask first. If you have kids, you owe it to them to take care of yourself, so that you can continue to take care of them when they need you the most.

OK, rant over. But, I am serous, just sleep. Don't give into crazy demands and they will get the picture.

-- Yanick
 
I agree with ya yanick.
What is the worst that happens? Maybe that's what they need if nothing else is getting through to them.
 
Heh, I was intending to post in solidarity, not really to gather support to divorce my wife.

She's going to school full time, taking care of an especially demanding baby any time she's not at school, and dealing with her mother who's pushing her to keep the house perfectly clean all times. She's completely overwhelmed and she's just desperate to get any help she can. Unfortunately I'm not capable of giving that help considering the demands already placed on me.
 
Once again I am so glad that I am not alone on this issue either. I just got back from my GI (AKA hottie life saver) and he agreed that sleep is necessary and the stress is only going to make me sick again. I told him that I had been thinking about leaving my husband and he said that if will eventaully lower my stress than go for it.

Anyone know a safe cheap place to live in Fairfax, VA?
 
I understand your anger and frustration. This all boils down to people thinking you're "ok" because you don't look or act sick. Periods of remission do not mean we feel back to normal. A heart to heart or even marriage counseling is in order. I wouldn't just give up yet unless he is a genuine jerk.
I think that many husbands just don't get it. Having a mediator/counselor there to open up the communication will be helpful. That way he can start to hear and hopefully understand how you feel.
 
I am divorced and have never been happier! This time I really am waiting for the right guy. I would rather be a single mom and dealing with all am dealing with by myself than to be with someone who isn't supportive or caring. It was a hard choice because I did have to give up a lot of things physically and mentally - but overall I am much happier for it. Only you will know what is best for you. You can deal with disease alone, so do not worry about that. I manage - and so can you :)
 
Thanks for the vote of confidence Isla. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and have been too scared to do anything about it. I feel stronger now and am going to try and save up money and get out of here. I did decide to get a puppy to cheer up the house. I pick hi mup Wednesday!!!! I cannot wait to get out of here with my kids and dog and hopefully health as well.
 
I hate to spoil things but no matter what your situation is with your spouse people outside your family will always encourage you to get a divorce. It doesn't affect them and people love to watch a train wreck. That, and single and especially divorced people like the company. Don't get a divorce just because some strangers cheered you on, and think deeply about how things will play out in the real world (not just the way you dream of things happening) before you decide to proceed.
 
I dunno... I don't think I'd tell someone to get a divorce because I wanna see a train wreck... I'd like to think that everyone here has everyone else's best interest at heart. The world isn't inherently evil and not everything has a black veil... lighten up a bit, see the positive in people. It makes you feel better anyhow.
 
On the contrary I think it's most others that have the negative predisposition when it comes to relationships. People just seem to prefer it when relationships fail. We especially have a fantasy in western culture about the evil, selfish, lazy male and the courageous woman who's so terribly burdened that romantically liberates herself with a divorce. When it happens or seems like it's going to happen, the way I see people react, I expect them to stand at attention and shed a tear of pride while the national anthem plays. People get really elaborate and over the top about it too.

There was a story just the other day about a teacher running off with her student and creating a big scene where they stood there having a grand time mocking and laughing in the face of the husband who after 30 minutes or so of trying to get them to leave (including a call to 911) grabbed a gun and shot the student. People just have no respect for each other anymore. Least of all their spouses.

I'm the first to announce myself as the local spokesperson of the pessimist guild but when it comes to relationships I kind of wish people would have a little more optimism about fixing problems in a way other than escalating things and walking out. Especially when you've already gone so far as to have kids together.
 
The puppy may make your situation worse for a while...your love tank is empty and so is your hubby's. You need to get counseling for yourself before you make a decesion you may regret. don't be afraid to scare him alittle
 
I do not believe that people want to see a train wreck, I think there is some natural inclination to blame the outsider in any problem. They accociate more with you, they blame the other party. I believe they are not looking at the problem for an unbiased position, but choosing whats easy. Much harder to tell a friend that they the friend are the problem and they need to work it out. Blame the other is the gut reaction.

Or something like that.

Also I've noticed that people often take a very negative or perfectionistic attitude tword a loved one or friend. They can easily see all your problems and faults, and never focus on your good traits. Here I just believe that the person is success oriented and they do not compliment because they believe that is the baseline. The best they can do is focus on what needs improvement. What you do well is what they think is normal, so therefore beneath notice. What you need improvement in is the abnormality, and needs to be pointed out.

Or something like that.
 
No one rooted her on to divorce, you saw it that way Colt because it fit your idea of how people are.

All people can do is relate their experiences to others hoping once in a while it could help someone else in the end. Every last one of us said she needs to do what is best for her. I really don't see how that is blaming anyone or rooting for bad things to happen.

I would venture to guess that someone has done that to your SO Colt. Encouraged them to break up with you and you saw it as them meddling in things they don't understand.
 
I don't want to ever get divorced, but I think it is necessary at times. I believe in trying as hard as you can to work things out, but at the same time you have to realize when enough is enough. I don't believe in staying in it for the kids. Kids know when their parents are unhappy and it doesn't make it better that they are still together. There is a lot of divorce in my family and I think we are all happier as a result and that should be the goal...what is best for everyone involved.
 
I hope to teach my daughter how to make better choices for herself. I think it comes down to that, is bad choices - usually from bad information or beliefs like Teeny mentioned. People mistakenly give their children this idea that raising children is only right or good when married, so they instinctively get into and stay in a relationship all based on a misconception. It is all about making a good choice from the start.
 
Pen said:
Well maybe I did too good of a job, my daughter says, "if you think your gonna be a grandma...think again" I think she is terrified she may have one just like her LOL.
Click to expand...
But isn't that what we as moms secretly pray for...heeheehee
 
AbstractDonut said:
I do not believe that people want to see a train wreck, I think there is some natural inclination to blame the outsider in any problem. They accociate more with you, they blame the other party. I believe they are not looking at the problem for an unbiased position, but choosing whats easy. Much harder to tell a friend that they the friend are the problem and they need to work it out. Blame the other is the gut reaction.

Or something like that.

Also I've noticed that people often take a very negative or perfectionistic attitude tword a loved one or friend. They can easily see all your problems and faults, and never focus on your good traits. Here I just believe that the person is success oriented and they do not compliment because they believe that is the baseline. The best they can do is focus on what needs improvement. What you do well is what they think is normal, so therefore beneath notice. What you need improvement in is the abnormality, and needs to be pointed out.

Or something like that.
Click to expand...

Well said.
 
Well guys...here is the update....I am going to hear about an apartment I applied for on Monday. The more I thought about the more I realized that life is too short. There are way too many things I want to achieve and show my kids that he just does not appreciate and does not allow me to do. Not to mention his attitude. I have had long talks with my parents and sister and they were all waiting for me to come to this. One dream of mine is to start a catering company and every time I get so close to getting it up and going he takes the available time away from me. I could go on and on about all of the problems but the good part is that I finally amde a deicision and now is the even harder part of following through on it. I know I have the support of my family and close friends and the determination to do it. Hopefully next time I write it will be from my new apartment. Keep your fingers crossed. And thanks for all the advise and input.
 
I GOT THE APARTMENT!!!! Now the hard part of talking to him about me leaving in a couple of weeks. I am excited and I know this is right for me but that does not make it any easier. Wish me luck tonight. Gee....for some reason my CD is really bad right now....
 
Good luck Paulah, I think you have kids involved right? I hope it doesn't get messy. Try to be extra nice even though you don't want to, otherwise he might purposely turn into an a-hole.
 
Whatever you do though, don't talk bad about your kid's father to them. And don't use them as messengers, I was a money messenger for my parents with the child support my whole childhood. It sucked.
 
katiesue1506 said:
Whatever you do though, don't talk bad about your kid's father to them. And don't use them as messengers, I was a money messenger for my parents with the child support my whole childhood. It sucked.
Click to expand...

This was my case, too. From both sides, I was told "things" that I'll never know whether or not were valid, but frankly, I don't give a sh*t anymore, I heard enough. I'd hear from one side why the marriage failed, then the other side would tell me "horror stories". I'm not a g*****n "voter" in their "election", I'm not so malleable to be swayed to a favor, I am disappointed by both parties.
 
Relationships are based on trust, love and most importantly, understanding.

Paulah, I understand you anguish, but can you not talk to your husband or get counselling together. Threaten to leave to get him there, but at least try and save your relationship.

My wife has no clue what I go through. I try to keep most of it from her, because I have this thing in my head where I just want to be normal.

Sometimes, I just want to crawl up into a ball on the sofa. She might throw a few remarks my way if she's stressed, but as I don't generally lay on the sofa, she knows I am sick when I do..
She's an only child, and sometimes that comes out in her, but I know that if she knew what was going on in my body every day, she would back off.

Sometimes this gets to me, but it's of my own doing, so I let it lay.
 
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I have tried counseling both with him and without him and he out right refuses to go. As far as talking to him it is always his way and I am always being an demotional B****. He does not even try to talk. This is his world and my 2 kids (ages 3 and 8) are just playing parts in it. Not very meaningful parts at all. I think he know it is coming too as I am very distant. I try and say little comments to him so he will not be totally suprised and hopefully understand at least a little. When I have threatened to leave before his comment is then get the f*** out and then he piles some of my stuff by the door and cusses me out for 3 days. This is the last straw. I cannot even tell him about leaving until I sign the lease so as to save my sanity and not cause stress int he house until I have a place to go with my kids. He is going to turn this into a war. He has told me before that my kids will never live in a house that is not his. Luckily my lawyer says not to worry about that part. Let the drama begin....
 
*big hugs to you Paulah*

Be careful and good luck.

From your last post, anyone who says "Get the F out" and puts your stuff by the door with your children there....forget them.

Take care and God bless.
 
Boy.... I was wondering why I'm always so run down tired for the past few months, and after reading around and then this, now it seems thats one scapegoat (rather it be crohns than growing old).



Lack of sleep also could explain a few things from a few months ago when I was up late every night playing online games ><
 
MAJOR KUDOS to all of you who have Crohn's AND kids.

It's hard enough without them. I can't imagine....:eek:
Glad I got diagnosed BEFORE I have kids!
 
Kids are amazingly adaptable creatures. Hospitals, medications, and doctors are routine in her life - through me. To her it is normal and probably as she gets older will she then realize that my life is actually quite different than most other moms.
 
Hey guys....I am writing this from my apartment. Things were CRAZY this past week and to be honest I am not sure when they will calm down. I am not going to get into the details but the most importnat thing is that the boys and I are okay. What really stinks is that it is my older boys bday tomorrow. We are going to try a family thing so keep your fingers crossed.

Thank you all for your concern. It is amazing to me to find people who get concerned when you do not log on for a while. I cannot thank you enough.
 
I forgot one of the worst things right now is that I have not had a chance to get meds since Wednesday and now I cannot afford them until Friday so I am putting myself on a liquid diet which really stinks.
 
Glad to hear you are at your own place:mario2:

Hope all goes well for ya's....Sorry to hear about the liquid diet, though.


Hope you and your son had a great day today:birthday2:
 
BOY can I relate. I work full time (usually 10 hours a day), tend to the children, homeschool , keep up animals barn, yard word. While retired hubby sits on the porch with an MP3 and the newpaper.

When I get sick he get FURIOUS. He may have to cook a meal or something. I had 2 heart surgeries last year and he was pissed. Like I planned it to get out of work.

This week I was diagnosed with Crohns. He did not even look at the dr report of photo of bleeding ulcers. He just said "I hope you don't get all wrapped up with this illness like you did your heart!" UNBELIEVABLE! He complains becasue I'm tired and roll his eyes when I have to come becasue blood is running down my legs. This is a marriage? partner ship? More like my #1 enemy.

WHY do we put up with this!? I don't have answer. I'm just trying to keep my mouth shut becasue once I start I may never stop.

I have a fever and a headache but guess who is stretched out in bed watching TV and who is feeding kids and washing dishes?

Contact me anytime. Our hubby's sound like brothers.
 
Wow Hearts it definately sounds like we have a lot in common. We are working on things but I do not hold high hope at this point. My one piece of advise it just to take things one at a time, one day at a time. That seems to be working okay for me. Keep in touch I wish you the best.
 
My husband has Crohn's and I have to tell you that I really didn't get it at first...meaning the first couple of years. It's hard to think back now about the way I badgered him to spend time with us. I felt that he was neglecting his family. I felt abandoned and overwhelmed and even a little angry. I can understand. However, now that I do understand (as well as someone can when they don't actually have Crohn's) I deal with things as they come and have stopped putting expectations on my husband. When he is well enough to spend time with us or help with some things, I consider it a blessing - we truly miss having him be a part of things. When he needs sleep, or needs errands run, or needs support, I try very hard to meet his needs. I had to change my perspective, and my expectations. I think after you are married for a long while, you begin to take each other for granted. Sometimes we need to be reminded that you are a person unto yourself, and not simply a continuation of ourselves. If you truly love one another, take time for yourself, but remember to let the other person know that you value them. It made a huge difference in our marriage. You just have to walk in each others shoes every once in a while. If you try to talk it out and things don't get any better, if you feel that you are more burden than blessing, than divorce is always an option. Counseling has helped me because now I have somewhere to vent my frustration and worry, and I'm not adding to my husbands stress. That and the fact that my husband and I opened up our lines of communication again. I wish you both the best of luck.
 
Wildfire.. you are a blessing ! I pray that someday I will find a partner like yourself to spend my life. I have avoided that casue I fear of others expectations and judgements. Right now I am trying to accept my limitations and not compare myself to others...and not try and keep up with them either.
 
*sigh* such is life....I hope you all take care of yourselves and do what is best for each of you...life is too short to not be valued, and on the flip side...if things have just changed...sometimes it's for the best...
 
Wow paula! I just read the entire thread, and I must say kudos to you for sticking to your guns! This disease is hard enough without the support of your loved ones. I don't think people understand unless they've been through it, and know how hard it is. I wish the best for you and your kids, sounds like you're on the right track now!
 

Similar threads

A
Am I crazy?
Replies
1
Views
895
Opieshuffle13
O
T
My sideffects!!!
Replies
5
Views
1K
Tippie
T
InstantCoffee
I've stumped another doctor with my non responsive Crohn's
Replies
2
Views
676
my little penguin
my little penguin
Anna's Bandit
Colorectal Surgeon
Replies
4
Views
1K
Anna's Bandit
Anna's Bandit
Anna's Bandit
Hospital
Replies
3
Views
367
my little penguin
my little penguin

Latest posts

Back
Top