Need to let go of anger

[afidz]

It dawned on me a few days ago for the first time since I was dx in 2007 that I am incredibly angry. If you know me in my personal life, you would know that I am not an angry person, and in general, I am a very bright and cheerful person. But I am angry at God, I am angry at myself, I am angry at my parents for passing this disease on to me. I am angry at my siblings for being healthy, and then I am angry at my family for reasons not related to Crohn's. I have never seen myself as an angry person, I have always taken the high road and let things go because its exhausting being mad.
My realization that I am angry has hit me like a ton of bricks. I need to let it go, but I can't. My life sucks. My health sucks. And no one seems to understand what it takes to be me every day.
I tell myself that I need to let go of the anger, that I will be fine someday. And then I wake up screaming in pain. How am I not supposed to be mad? I am 25 years old and have missed out on so many experiences as a young adult. What else am I going to miss out on? I thought I came to peace with having Crohn's a long time ago, but now I am realizing that it was more of a state of denial than acceptance.
All of my problems can be fixed, someday, I WILL be ok, I just need to find a way to break the vicious cycle I am in and then everything will stop snowballing of each other. I just need to figure out how to get there

 

[krika]

I see where youre coming from, I feel the same way. Im also angry cause I cant work, cause I have studied for 5 years, how student loan and paying it back without being able to work aches. I dont have any supporting things at the moment to say to you, when im also pretty angry and have been for some time. I find myself acctually becoming more and more angry, which is not good, when I also have fatigue and it drains the last of my energy.
Just hope this anger reaches a point and things get easier
hugs

 

[Cross-stitch gal]

With all that you've been through afidz, I can understand the anger. Being in a constant flare can wear you down. I wish at this time for you that I could say that I've been there. In some ways I have when I was in my 2 year long one. I got worn down too. But, I made it and so will you. The difference is that you need a bit more support from all of us especially at this moment. I'm here for you. :hug:

krika, I know that there are a couple of wonderful friends of mine who would be great pen pals right now for you. One of them would be afidz and the other would be valleysangel92. These girls have been through a lot lately and would understand your pain and frustrations more than I. But, I'm here for you as well and sending you lots of hugs too. :hug:

 

[worriedboy]

Afidz,

I had a time, during a horrible flare, that I was so so angry. Especially at those who are supposed to be close to me. I got frustrated so much as it looked like no one really cared.
It took some time till I got to some acceptance that this is my world. I decided that I will enjoy to be with those I can, and put all my energy into it; after the anger subsided, I felt sad. Just sad and sorrow. I had hard time realizing that I am "on my own" basically, and everything I get from others, even closeo ones - is actually a bonus.

I mean, it's not tha I am alone; but I did fell SO lonely. It is a tough feeling, to have the ppl ther who are supposed to be your "safety net" but to feel so lonely cause you cannot communicate alright.

So anger naturally appear wherever there are human feelings. I am still strugling to manage mine, and I am doing better than I used to.
No doubt that life are much more optimistic bright when you are not angry.


Try to focus on those who deserve your kindness and let them enjoy your big heart and warm character; think of it that it wont be fair to take it away from them because of others making you angry.
If you think that you are angry "with no real reason" (is there such a thing ?), then look inside - most times there are one or two major things which will be the heavy ones on your heart. Treat them.


Yours,

Worriedboy

 

[Daisy123]

Afdiz

It is a difficult illness to come to terms with. My parents felt guilty which made it worse for me. I am so close to my sister although we did have a bad patch after I was diagnosed. Now I try to focus in what is rather than what could be, but I think age has a great deal to do with it. I do remember being suicidal when I had multiple operations, and I always wish that I had seen a counsellor. I think it is important to talk about how you feel, and all I can say is that treatment is so much better now and there is real hope for the future. Your feelings are normal, be kind to yourself.

 

[poopaholic]

I hear ya . I also am angry at the world as a whole . It isn't as bad on entocort as it was on prednisone, but the underlining anger is still there . I just do the best I can and try to keep my mouth shut. This is the only place I can vent and get understanding . So thanks for this forum .

 

[LodgeLady]

I am so angry at my doctors. None of them can get on the same page.

 

[Axelfl3333]

I,m angry as well and have been for a long time but what makes really frustrating is its a non specific anger it's not at a person or a thing or crohns it's just a culmination of little things we swallow down as adults and say it doesn't,t matter when really it does,anger by a thousand cuts and not feeling well but not really ill either stokes it up and not that I want to be ill.i,ve been alone forever it seems and that pisses me off .don,t you just love being a grown up?

 

[afidz]

I don't think any of my anger has to do with being an adult. Crohn's doesn't know age, nor does any illness.
As for being alone, you can't dwell on it, because when you do meet someone you will end up pushing them away out of desperation. Let love find you, just have to give it a chance. Just let life happen and try not to control the things that shouldn't be controlled. Does that make sense?

 

[valleysangel92]

Adfiz - I know we talked privately, but I wanted to say again how sorry I am that you have so much to deal with, I think its perfectly understandable that you have anger right now, you are going through so much, it would take its toll on anyone and you've been dealing with it all so well. Rant and rave as much as you need to, we all understand, I hope you know you can message me anytime you need someone to talk to.

Thankyou for the tag cross-stitch-gal, yes krika, I'd be more than happy to chat any time, as cross-stich said I've had a bit of a rough patch myself of late, and can really understand your frustrations, so feel free to drop me a message anytime if you'd like someone to talk or vent to

 

[RowdyRowdy]

I'm angry. Yet when I try to cmmunicate it, it only makes everything more stressful. So I've stopped trying to communicate it. Wondering if holding all in only excasberates the problem.

 

[afidz]

of course holding it in exasperates problems, it causes stress.

 

[Hope345]

My daughters doctor said she needed a place to vent all of her anger: from a diary, to taking a boxing class, to screaming in her pillow or having a pillow fight. She is only 15 and has been at home for the last 3 years. She gets stressed out thinking about how behind she is at school and feels like all I talk about is school, her meds and how she feels....


My heart goes out to her and all of you. As a mother, I just want to fix it. I really dont know what it is like to be her or any of you.

What I do know, is that each person has a purpose here on this earth. I also know that I can not fix this. I can not make it go away. this is your path and your life, this is something you each have to deal with and find a strength that you didnt even know you had. It is so hard as a mother, but it is only because we want to see our children happy and healthy. She is not the type to reach out. She avoids her friends, waiting until the day she is in remission.

You all have a right to vent, be mad and even give up. But I hope you dont. You all have eachother and are not alone. I wish my own daughter would get on here and talk with all of you. I know she will when the time is right for her.

 

[Jmrogers4]

I think you go through the stages of grief many times with this damn disease especially when the world is pilling it on. kwim? It's okay to be angry and feel those feelings so you can let go. I tell Jack all the time that it's okay to be angry because it does suck that he has to deal with this damn disease and people who don't get it. It's not fair and it's not right and he gets to feel those feelings but then he has to figure out a way to deal with them. Our current joke is he is like the Hulk, I don't know if you have seen the Avengers but there is a point at the end where Bruce Banner comes in and they have asked him what his secret is to controlling the Hulk and it turns out his secret is he is always angry.
I hope things ease up soon and life settles down and you get to a good space.

 

[RowdyRowdy]

Oh I journal.....notebooks and notebooks and notebooks. It does help. It's a combo of record and prayer. All in meditation. Still pissed, tho. Better to admit it to myself than be unrealistic and have no self awareness.

 

[RowdyRowdy]

... To the moms here: the only thing I might imagine being worse than my having this damn disease would be if I watched one of my children suffer through it. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Jennifer]

I think you go through the stages of grief many times with this damn disease especially when the world is pilling it on.

Well said. Acceptance happens over and over again. There's always something happening that upsets us all over again. We'll always get better at some point, some day but we need to be prepared that we'll go through this again and again. I guess that's the only thing I've fully accepted. That and that it's ok to be angry. I plan on getting a punching bag some day to help vent some of that anger.

 

[Orchid]

It's easy to ignore anger. Give it a service and put them two feet under but somehow it'll always come back like an ache from a bone break. You need accept that it lives in you and bubbles below the surface, otherwise you won't see the pain you're until it's exploding in your face and making you do something you regret. Then you can move on, with the anger, but still forward.

 

[CrohnsChicago]

I'm in the same boat as Jenn, the only thing I have learned to accept about this disease is that there will very likely be many cycles. Many good periods that make me forget I have Crohn's followed by many painful, overwhelming, shocking and disappointing periods where it comes back and I have to learn to accept this disease all over again.

There is strength in realizing that if you have made it through before, then you have the strength in you to fight through the pain and suffering again. Anger is normal, sadness is normal. It only truly becomes a problem if you allow yourself to continue to live in these emotions.

My favorite saying is that you must go through the fire in order to find true healing. We can't keep fighting the hurt and anger. It only makes it stronger and harder to get rid of. We must confront it, examine it, then find a way to accept it and let it go. Doing this won't cure us, but it will make some of those difficult times a lot more bearable or even non-existent.

You've been through a lot we have all read both here and privately and consequently I can say you are one of the strongest people I know. You will find your way through this dark period. Though we may not always be available online to support you nor will we always have the right words we wish we did to make you feel better, know that you are always in our thoughts and we are sending love and support your way. :hug:

 

[CrohnsChicago]

Also, a punching bag is a WONDERFUL investment for times like these!

 

[jnette]

New here, but just wanted to say this: IT'S OK TO BE ANGRY. Yes, it is. Acknowledging your anger is the first step. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. They're yours, and it's there, it's real ...so allow it to be. In time, you can move on to the second step. What to DO with the anger. You will find a healthy way to channel that anger and its energy into something constructive. But denying your anger will get you nowhere. It will only eat up whatever energy you do have. And cause more health problems. Accept yourself as you are, even with your anger. It needs your attention and acceptance and love. Give it. xoxo (((Gentle Hugs)))

 

[mindiemonster]

Yeah, anger is a regular issue for me - which is a problem as anger is stress and stress equals pain. For instance, what really steams me is people who do stuff like smoke and never pay any consequences. I don't know if my way of handling it will help you, but I think of the crohns disease as almost sentient - it's my enemy and it's out to steal not only my health but my joy. If I let it steal my joy, it wins. There is much I can't control about my disease, but I can control my attitude and I WILL NOT LET IT WIN!!!:ymad::ymad: