Friends Expecting TOO MUCH

[Henrietta]

Hey all,

I am just writing to vent, mostly. Because I have gotten into many arguments with friends recently over my "unreliability". That is, we'll make plans, but I'll end up with a high fever, or severe diarrhea, or doubled over in pain, and driving an hour to hang out doesn't feel like the right self-care choice to make. So I have to cancel at the last minute and it sucks.

They all know I have Crohn's, but it's gotten to the point that they...no longer really care WHY I can't do certain things, at certain times. For instance, one of my best friends told me that she was getting married with three weeks' notice. She lives in a country several thousand miles away. I traveled for 36 hours (i live in a very out-of-the way, hard to reach place on a different continent) to be there. She had a morning wedding, and I was there and all was well, left with the last guests at around 3 PM. I was exhausted- totally jet lagged AND flaring hard so i went to bed around 7 PM. I got a call around 8 PM saying "we're at the bars" (in a town an hour away). I told her I was too exhausted to join.

I got a rant about what a bad friend I have been because of this.

I feel like if i was going through chemo people wouldn't say this kind of stupid shit.

I don't know how to explain this kind of thing to friends/family without getting angry, or without seeming like I am seeking attention (the last thing I want is for ANYONE to google "crohn's" or think of me as a sick person) or that I really don't want to hang out with them. But ... seriously, what do you do????

 

[Zac with no K]

Don't think my answer will be helpful but this is my experience so far.

I haven't really explained Crohn's to that much people and my parents have explained it for me to other relatives while I was kinda 'out of it.'

Most of my family understands crohn's or at least how it affects me.. they have actually seen the conditions I was in and saw how quickly my condition can change..

As for most of my friends, I think most of them must of googled it and found that horrific wiki post about it.. so they seem understandable for the most part and although I wonder how it effected their thoughts on me and Crohn's, I think that wiki post probably helped more than anything. But I don't think any of them know that how I'm feeling can change so quickly.

and I really don't want people to google it either..

There have been some friends I just decided for myself to loose touch with. I really don't need the stress of arguing to people or deffending myself about why I have trouble making plans or have to cancel last minute. It just adds stress and stuff and makes the Crohn's worse!

 

[stickman7755]

all my friends call my an a hole because I can never hang out. I used to make excuses for why I couldn't hang out, but I just started saying I was sick.

 

[Rebecca85]

At least you made it to the wedding! Maybe you need to sit down with your friends and explain exactly what Crohn's does to you. Some people just think it's 'a bit of diarrhoea'.

Maybe you could make plans for things you think you will be able to do- starting with meeting closer to your house so you don't have the hours travel while feeling not so great (or even at your house, film night comes to mind).

If they still don't care after you explained it to them, and offered alternative arrangements, they're not true friends.

 

[DustyKat]

Oh my, that sucks hun...:hug:

Have a read of this that Cat posted a while ago...The Spoon Theory...

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

...perhaps tell it like this and if they still don't get it then as Rebecca has suggested, they're not true friends.

Dusty. xxx

 

[kossy]

A 36 hour trip would knock a "health" person in the rear. You traveled all that distance to be at the wedding. You went to the wedding. That in and of itself should prove beyond a shaddow of a doubt how GREAT of a friend you are to them.

Also, Dusty's link about the Spoon Theory, it's a good useful read.

 

[Jennifer]

What do I do? I get angry with them. I do scream and yell at them. I do tell them to look it up or shut up. I drive the harsh reality of my sickness into their face and make them feel like the horrible person they're acting like. I lift up my shirt and point to the scar on my once perfect belly and ask them if I'm faking or if I enjoyed it.

It's not pretty when I lose my temper and everyone who's seen it has learned to never, ever cross me like that again.

Bad friend my ass. You slap them around with your words of wisdom and put them in their place where they belong.