I feel like a fool! Not Crohn's related, but I need help

[AndiGirl]

Scott and I had a wonderful nanny for two years. She decided to go to school and needs a job that is able to accommodate her. I was sad to see her go. She was calm, patient, loved our kids, young and energetic, and wholesome.

Scott joined a nanny find program. We interviewed three women. The first one seemed very kind, reliable, and trustworthy. The second one wasn't bad either, though she had a young son of her own, and would need to watch him at our house along with her own child. The third women kind of scared me at first. I sincerely hope that I don't offend anyone. It is not my purpose. This woman has many piercings and tattos. Please understand that I grew up in a very religious and conservative family. I am actually the most liberal member of my family, though Randy is a close second. I actually thought that I was pretty open-minded. I thought Scott seemed a little freaked out by her appearance as well. She did a terrific interview and seemed to be a lot more outgoing than the other two. Her resume was a little more extensive too. We didn't come right out and hire her, but Scott told her that she could work this week. We are both home at different times and he wants to try her out.

I found myself increasingly more uncomfortable with her body piercings and tattos. I wouldn't mind if it was say earrings and nose ring, and maybe a couple of little tattoos. It's more than that. My kids are 2 and 1, but I still don't want them to see that as acceptable. When they are on their own, they can do what they like, but we don't believe in tattoes and piercings (besides one set of earrings on women). I have cousins and friends that fit into that category, though they are not as extreme. I love them and do not make them feel weird.

Any way, Jana (not her real name), did a great job the first day. The second day, she brought a friend who she claims will be her back -up for when she can't sit. Those two had music blaring most of the day (not childrens' music either), were hanging on their cell phones or I-Touch, and seemed to be ignoring my kids. I didn't say much because I was just observing their behavior. I told Scott and he wasn't happy.

I feel bad if Jana believes that she has the job. She on a trial basis. It sounds like she just moved into an apartment with her boyfriend. Financially, I feel for her, but I really want somebody else to care for my children. I'm sure my parents would freak out if they met Jana. I know that's bad, but I can't change them. I'm at a loss. Help!

 

[Lisa]

Don't feel like a fool!.....first impressions can and should mean something - personally I'm not into tatoos, or multiple piercings (think tongue piercings are gross - and don't get the idea of nose ones???)......

The 2nd day is what concerns me - did she ask about having someone over while on her trial? In my opinion, if I have someone watching my child, that is what they are there for - NOT chatting on a phone (unless maybe my daughter is in bed)...or having friends over - too many horror stories of things gone wrong. You are paying her to watch YOUR children - not use the job as a time to visit.

Just my opinion!

 

[vonfunk]

So (full disclosure I have a bias).

I stand behind you being uncomfortable regarding her 2nd day performance.

However, I think you need get beyond the physical appearance (the piercings and ink). I grew up in a conservative religious household as well (church every Sunday, live Nativity scenes, mission work etc).
Many of my friends, and some co-workers have a lot of ink and body mods. I personally have visible facial piercings. One of my former supervisors (he was the buyer for business books) had full sleeves. One of the smartest most eloquent people I know.
It should be the content of the tattoos, not the fact they exist that should count. At this stage in, having tattoos or piercings acting as a strike against the person is almost bad as judging someone based on how they style their hair.

 

[careymehome]

Apperance aside, she sounds irresponsible. It sounds like you're caught up in not wanting to be biased to the point that you're trying to excuse her behavior. Do what's best for you and your kids.

 

[Crohns10]

This is a person that you are trusting with your children, if you are not comfortable (for whatever reason); than you are not comfortable and should let that person go. You are not being foolish, you have to do what you see as best for your children and that should be your only concern. It is too bad if this will put her in finical hardship, but hopefully she will be able to find other employment.

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you for the good advice. I was shocked by her initial appearance, then I caught myself. I know it isn't right to judge anyone, and I don't want to be a hypocrit. I really was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. After seeing today's performance, I was even less impressed. She was by herself, and I was downstairs doing laundry and listening in on the baby monitor. She didn't communicate much with my children. We wasn't mean to them or anything, but I could tell she really wasn't engaged with them. She didn't bother to dress them up, they stayed in their pajamas. I was more of an observer. I wanted to see what would go on while I was there.

Scott and I have agreed to thank her and continue to look around. Thanks again.

***Scott and I disagree about an issue which I consider to be important. I want to disclose Alex's tummy troubles. I do mention that he is lactose intolerant. Scott doesn't want me to mention his frequent diarrhea right off the bat. I think it's important because even as his mother who loves him bunches, I find some of his explosions frustrating. When Beth was between 2 and 4 months, there was a time when I was house bound because of the frequency and volume of loose stool. As a Crohnie I can understand that. In June and July of 2010, I devoted most of my day (it felt like all of my day) feeding, and tending to bodily functions. Between the two babies I was changing diapers almost all day long. Alex had as many as 10 lose bowels a day. I was able to carry on, but I started to feel so isolated and frustrated. Not only was I changing horribly, runny, stink, and messy diapers numerous times a day; but I was washing his bed down, his high chair, our floor, carpets, you name it. I was in tears some of the time.

Alex's situation has improved quite a bit, but I still think it's important to let the sitter know that he has frequent, loose, and very smelly stools. Scott says to wait until they want the job. What's your take?

 

[AndiGirl]

I have learned to look on the inside. It's what is inside of a person that counts. I think that is why I was willing to give her a chance. If she had been very good with the kids, I wouldn't be conflicted.

 

[DustyKat]

I agree with not looking at outward appearances, they can be so deceiving, but as you have said you can look beyond that.

Performance, reliabilty, ability and a solid understanding of why she is there and what is expected are the most important things to me. Her behaviour the second day is not acceptable. The worry here is if she is given another chance will you ever be comfortable knowing that she didn't even have the sense not to do that when you are there!

This then also leads to the question of disclosure on your part. I agree with you Andi for two reasons. Firstly it will avoid you needlessly employing someone only to have them bottle on you when they can't handle the bowel issues and secondly, how is someone supposed to be able to adequately attend to the needs of your child if they don't know what they are dealing with. Also I think it is unfair to employ someone under false pretenses.

Good luck!
Dusty. xxx

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you Dusty. I will disclose the information. I think if I word it the way that you just did, Scott will see the light. He's not unreasonable. I think it's only fair to the nanny.

 

[LOSTnut]

Apperance aside, she sounds irresponsible. It sounds like you're caught up in not wanting to be biased to the point that you're trying to excuse her behavior. Do what's best for you and your kids.

I guess, I got in this thread after the decision to let her go was already made but I agree: go with your gut feeling. And if her behavior makes you uneasy while you are there just imagine how it would make you feel if you are NOT there.

Sure makes you wonder sometimes, doesn't it?

Hope you will find a caring and responsible nanny that can handle the kid's health issues without flipping out!

Good luck!

 

[beth]

Nope the second day rules her out immediately<full stop>.
I don't care what someone looks like, but how they act. She was irresponsible so out.

 

[Astra]

I've been in a similar situation, but with my Mum.
We have what's called Direct Payments over here, you can use this money to buy care (if the person is eligible)
We wanted to keep Mum at home for as long as poss, before going into a nursing home.
I employed a woman through an agency to live in for 2 weeks at a time, then another would turn up for 2 weeks and so on.
They were very good, different ethnicity,
I interviewed them all, and was pleased with their work, but was a bit wary of one of them. She couldn't speak very good English, but she had been veted by the agency.
One day however I called in to check on Mum and found her in the garden naked.
This woman was on Mums phone, and on further investigation, she had totalled up nearly £300 in calls to Zimbabwe.
I asked her to pack her bags and leave, I even drove her to the train station.
Then I got a letter accusing me of being racist from the agency!
My point is - colour, creed, religion, tatoos, piercings, whatever, doesn't even come in to the equation. They could be sky blue pink with yellow dots on for all I care! But.....
When people take the piss and abuse their position, whether it's kids, mental health or the elderly, they should be put up against a wall and shot at dawn!
You've followed your gut instinct there Andi, always follow that!
I think you've had a lucky escape!
xxx

 

[Joleen23]

I agree with everyone , 2nd day really does not give a good impression. And if thats what she was like whilst you were there watching , i would be worried about how she would be without you there watching. When it comes to your kids you can't be too careful

 

[AndiGirl]

Oh my gosh, Joan! That's terrible! Your mother is lucky to have had such an alert and caring daughter. I agree with all the comments that were made regarding a person's out facade.

 

[ThingsHaveChanged]

im a tattoo and piercing kinda person and i accept i have to overcome the realities that if you dress in a way that people are unfamiliar with you will often have to work a little harder and be a little more aware of the impression I make when dealing with people not into the same things as me, the second day performance of the girl in question sounds a bit lame on her part, id say with kids involved and the amount of trust required with a nanny your well within your rights to refuse to employ her even on the basis of an insubstantial hunch, any real world lapse on her part is more than enough reason.
good luck with all your nannying concerns.

 

[AndiGirl]

I think the reason why Scott and I were so upset, is her resume sounded terrific. She made it sound like she was straight off the, "Nanny Show." I'm not sure what the name of the show is. She definitely was talking a good talk. She was lecturing to us the importance of feeding kids healthy snacks. She was also mentioning all the activities that she planned on doing with the kids. I know it takes days for some of the things to manifest, but in the three days that she was with us, she fed my kids canned foods (we had fresh things to prepare) and M&Ms candy. One of my daughters shirts is stained from the chocolate. Most of the activity that has occurred has been her talking or texting on her phone. Finding a good nanny is so hard here in Anchorage. Most of the women want to watch the kids in their own homes. We'll have to keep looking. I can honestly say that if she demonstrated what she had written in her resume, and said during her interview, we would have kept her.

 

[ThingsHaveChanged]

she sounds like a really classy nanny D:

 

[AndiGirl]

Thanks for the moral support. I am sitting in the den listening to the monitor. We are trying out another potential nanny. She isn't much better than the other one. She has been on the phone talking to who knows; straightening her hair; and giving the kids minimal attention. Wow! These are people that are placing their resumes online! I wish my mom was younger and closer. She's in her 60s so my kids would tire her out. What kind of fool do these people think we are. I'm in the house for crying out loud. The search continues.

 

[DustyKat]

Oh no Andi! Not again! :angry-banghead:

Fingers and everything else crossed that a diamond turns up amongst the stones.

Good luck hun, :hug:
Dusty. xxxxxxxx

 

[AndiGirl]

The bad thing is my cousin Elizabeth would take could care of our kids, but Scott doesn't like her. She would have to move in with us as she is out of town.

 

[Dexky]

I know it happens all the time, but I can't imagine interviewing strangers to care for my kids! Hah, I guess it isn't much different than sending them to school really when you think about it! Good luck in your search Andi!

 

[kateel]

If you are already having troubles with someone one the second day (not to mention the woman who is slacking off when you are STILL HOME!!), they're definitely not the person for you!! Imagine how they'll be a few months down the line. Go with your gut feeling...best of luck to you! I can't imagine how frustrating this must be!

 

[Tesscorm]

We had a nanny for my children when they were young and we were very, very lucky (but we went through two nannies before getting lucky and finding our wonderful nanny). We hired her when my son was 6 mos and my daughter 19 mos, my kids are 17 and 18 years now and still very close with her (especially my daughter who often meets her for dinner and then stays over at her place). She still comes weekly to our home for housework. She was a contract worker from the Philippines when we hired her. I don't mean to stereotype but from my experience, and the experiences of a couple of friends, have shown me that these women from the Philippines are very caring, very patient and very careful. Everything I wanted from someone who would be caring for my children. Perhaps there is a Filipino community centre in Anchorage that may have employment services??? When we were hiring a nanny, we had no cultural bias nor any other preferences (other than patience, caring, etc.), just hired who we were comfortable with. I don't want to offend anyone and don't like to generalize, but just sharing my experience.

Good luck, I remember how hard it was to find someone we were comfortable with!

 

[GutlessWonder86]

I feel for you Andi. You have to be so careful. What looks good on paper may not look good in person as some folks actually lie on their resumes just to get the job. I had a buddy of mine who did hiring for an accounting position at her job and she told me that they hired someone who had an excellent resume but come to find out after a few weeks the new hire had a criminal record and was an alcoholic. Then the next new hire had a great resume as well but it turned out they falsified their employment information. CRAZY!!

I did babysitting in 8th grade through college. I made sure to take a babysitting 1st aid course at the local fire hall and was certified in CPR. We were taught that the babysitter's main job is to keep an eye on the child at all times and homework came 2nd.NO visitors allowed, NO alcohol, DON'T talk on the phone w/friends unless it is a 911 call, ALWAYS go through the kids routine before the parents leave, GET EMERGENCY #s before they leave, ASK questions of what they kids can/can't do, NEVER leave the house unless there is a fire, ONLY GIVE KIDS MEDS if the parent gives directions (advise them though to do it before you get there or after you leave), AND THE KIDS ARE #1 PRIORITY. I always asked the parents if I could do it if the kids were asleep (some of them on our block were weird about it so I just never sat for them again) or I did the simple stuff w/the older kids (they will imitate me and it kept them out of trouble). But at all times they were NEVER out of my site. Also, I did let the parents know (mainly the moms) about my Crohn's and I asked for suggestions on what I could do w/their child if I had to use the bathroom. Most of the time I could put them in the crib or play pen and let them cry for a few minutes so I could go. It worked out fine for me.

I always brought my own things to make the kids want to look forward to my coming such as my Mr. Bear puppet, coloring books, paper, crayons, and for this one little girl, she loved to copy my shorthand homework. I even read them bedtime stories if they were good and they got 2-3 extra stories if they weren't told repeatedly to get ready for bed. I had awesome summer jobs babysitting older kids where they would play outside and come in for lunch and stuff, I'd be in the house watching tv or reading etc. Sometimes I'd have them inside to rest but they were behaved. Pay was really good. The parents loved me just because I actually paid attention to their kids and knew that I could be counted on. I use to babysit my entire neighborhood but I had to retire once I got a real job. (sigh) Now the kids I use to babysit have babies of their own. Boy do I feel old. lol

You are doing the right thing. If you don't feel comfortable, and the nanny brought someone over without your consent, PLUS it was obvious she lied on her resume, you have every right to let her go. I'd quiz the next one what she'd do in case of an emergency and how she'd handle it for a piece of mind. Also, tell them what you expect from a nanny and what you do NOT want such as visitors, loud music, unhealthy snacks, drinking, drugs, etc. Tell them this is what will get them terminated immediately for example....drugs, booze, visitors, lying about something that happened at home & someone told you, etc.

Hang in there. ~GW

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you all for the support. I am very frustrated. I called my mom and almost started crying. She is also looking out for us. My mom and sisters live in the Valley (Wasilla/Palmer), 45 miles away. My brother's girlfriend, Joanna, is also looking out for us. Joanna knows a lot of young college aged women, she works with a couple.

Tesscorm, I don't think you are being biased. Sometimes certain groups have good reputations with children. I do know that Filipinos, Alaska Natives, and LDS (Mormons) seem to be especially good with children. We are open to anyone who will truly care for our children.

 

[LOSTnut]

Andi, have you checked out care.com? I just saw an advertisement on tv and thought it might be an option that you can check out to see what they offer. Even if they charge something it might be worth it to see what they have to offer.

 

[AndiGirl]

Hi Heike! I think Scott has been using care.com. We have another nanny scheduled for Monday. Wish us luck.

G.W.- Why can't we find a nanny like what you described, and what you did? Oh goodness! Scott is even more frustrated than I am. He's actually been online looking for tips on hiring the right child care sitter. Sadly, many of the younger generation (notice that I didn't say ALL) do not have the work ethic or integrity of generations past. We are still on the lookout. I plan on letting Scott read these posts. Thanks again for the great support and tips.

 

[beth]

Nanny McPhee!...

:rof:

 

[LOSTnut]

Nanny McPhee!...

:rof:

:lol2:

 

[Mayflower537]

There is also www.sittercity.com. I haven't actually hired anyone off of it, but it might be worth a look around. Hope you find someone you can trust soon. That must be so frustrating.

 

[GutlessWonder86]

have you tried the local colleges where students are majoring in child care? see if they have a job posting board or a dept. that assists students in finding jobs that suit their field of work? Where I went college they assisted all graduates in finding jobs in their field but I found mine via the newspaper, go figure.

Over the summer, my folks had friends who were looking for a responsible person and I was looking for work where the employer was understanding with my health issues. During the school year, the little folks I babysat, they were very good because they knew that I'd read extra bedtime stories and Mr. Bear was coming over to see just them. I never dated 9-12 grade (went to an all girls school, my choice, as 6-8 grade was hell b/c I was picked on all the time because I had special privileges to use the bathroom. I'd come home in tears all the time.) I just wanted to graduate on time in between hospital visits and missing a few classes junior and 1/2 of my senior year. That was my main priority. No time for boys but I did have a few friends who were there for me when I had my ostomy surgery which meant the world to me.

Anyway, Andi, I wish you the best of luck. If you lived near me, I'd gladly help out. I LOVE little people. I do volunteer work for MOPS in the nursery for my best friend's church during the school year. I watch the new borns - 2 year olds. They are so adorable and in their own little world. It amazes me how they communicate in their own way & get along. Too bad some adults can't follow suit. lol ~GW

 

[AndiGirl]

We actually live about 3 miles away from the University of Alaska Anchorage. They have a pretty good school of education. I'm sure the early childhood department is good too. Thank you for the idea GW. The only problem, is the University starts up in September, and we'll need somebody by the 5th of August. I think if I post the information on campus, I'm liable to get a call or two.

**If we were closer, I'm sure I'd be honored to have you watch my kids. I'm not bragging, but Scott and I are good employers also. I pity those foolish young women who didn't take the job opportunity seriously.

 

[Mountaingem]

I'm a firm believer in women's intuition, especially where children are concerned. My guess is you felt uncomfortable at first but attributed it to her appearance. Then you got the second warning when she brought someone over without your permission.

I say do what feels right-you don't need to logically explain it to anyone. If your gut says something's not right, listen to it. You gotta do what feels right for your child.

 

[AndiGirl]

I really do believe in intuition. It has helped me out in many a situation, even Crohn's related. I appreciate the support.

 

[tiloah]

Regardless of her appearance, you should feel comfortable letting someone go who works with your kids at ANY time. Even if she'd been working for you for four years, the moment you think something is off you should be comfortable either asking it to change or asking her to leave. These are your kids and you HAVE to be 100% comfortable with the people you are trusting around them.

I am personally a big fan of body mods and I would have a lot more if I had the money... *le sigh*

 

[AndiGirl]

Nicole, please don't think that I would judge you for the body mods. Three of my best friends in college decided to experiment with tattoos, and one with piercings. I love these friends, and would trust anyone of the three with my children. They are all mothers and live in various parts of the state of Alaska. To be fair to those that like body mods, as I reflect back on the situation, I kind of think that it was her very casual speech (there were a few questionable words- not used at the kids but within hearing range) and her revealing clothes. It was her dress code that bothered Scott more than anything. She's a big girl and I do admire her comfort with her body. She wore some skimpy tops. We didn't know at first because she wore sweatshirts over. It's been hot here in Anchorage, so maybe that might have been the reason. My kids are little, "cling ons," they'll grab a hold of anything. I know it was the second day that really changed my mind.

 

[Mountaingem]

Andi, I am the only person in my family who doesn't have tatoos and body art, and I don't think you made it sound like tatoos were the reason you were uncomfortable. I took it as "I was uncomfortable and by the way she has tattoos."

 

[tiloah]

Oh I didn't mean to imply that you would! I just wanted to add my feelings about it to the discussion.

That said, there is definitely a line between what's appropriate for adults and what's appropriate for children. I certainly wouldn't want a nanny who had a scandalous tattoo or who shows off her belly ring in front of the kids, if that makes sense. You should be able to decide what's appropriate for your children to see and that should be a factor when considering who to hire. It's all your comfort level. You should be able to rule somebody out regardless of how silly you think your reasoning seems. Don't feel guilty or embarrassed! It's a big decision and again, you HAVE to be comfortable with who you choose.

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you, Jeannette. I will apologize again to anyone that I may have offended. I really am not a small minded person. Last year, we had a, "Manny," for a while. He was a high school kid that came over to help me out during my busy times. The weirdest was when my dad volunteered to watch them for a couple of hours. What a disaster! If my mom was around it would have been fine. Some guys don't get it! LOL!

 

[tiloah]

Thank you, Jeannette. I will apologize again to anyone that I may have offended. I really am not a small minded person. Last year, we had a, "Manny," for a while. He was a high school kid that came over to help me out during my busy times. The weirdest was when my dad volunteered to watch them for a couple of hours. What a disaster! If my mom was around it would have been fine. Some guys don't get it! LOL!

I definitely do not get the impression that you are a "small minded person" and I don't think I would ever think that about you.

I hope you find a good nanny who you trust and that you like!

 

[AndiGirl]

Why can't this be like the episode from, "The Twilight Zone." In, "I Sing the Body Electric," the family got to create the perfect nanny from head to toe, personality, everything. LOL! If the economy was so bad, Scott and I both agreed that I would take some time off to be a stay at home mom.

I am proud of Scott for taking initiative in doing his own research. He told me that online he got several tips that should help with our search. The one that I honestly didn't think of was, the cell phone. During an interview, the person doesn't need to respond to any calls, but if they have the urge to take out the phone to keep their hands occupied (just running their fingers over the cover), that's a good sign that, that may be a problem. It stated that a person should be comfortable without having the phone at their finger tips. I need to pay attention to that. I am still galled that the two girls had no problems hanging on the phone most of the day, even with us around.

 

[Dexky]

Hah, good luck Andi finding a girl below 30 whose fingers aren't permanently curled in the shape of a cell phone!!